Advice Needed - Rochester,NY

I would probably go, and I would probably tell my mom that I was going to go. I wanted to share my own "helping to fix a family relationship" story. I've learned a lesson about people's relationships, that they are more complicated than we know, as outsiders, and also that we should stay out of other peoples problems and disputes, except to be there to listen.

I strong-armed my husband into contacting his mom and inviting her over for mother's day, 3 years ago. He hadn't spoken to her in 7 years. I didn't understand why someone would be holding this "grudge" and thought it was awful that he wasn't making an effort with his mom. We all live in the same area (within 20 minutes). It went fine, meeting her, having her for dinner, sharing our new house with her. They even talk on the phone sometimes. But I forced this on him.

Now that we have our own kids, I understand why my husband was hesitant about having his mother in our lives. I don't want to say mean things because I honestly believe she did the best she could as a teen mom in her situation, but she's not the grandmother I expected or hoped for. She never sees the kids. She refuses to babysit. She doesn't help us at all. And we're resentful of it. My mom does more and sees the kids more, and she lives 800 miles away. Would we be in this situation if I hadn't gotten involved in other peoples' relationships? Probably not. I've helped to open wounds that I didn't know were there, which have made my husband sad and even more resentful of his mother.

So I would go, and develop your own relationship with your uncle if you want to, but I would stay out of trouble trying to fix what's wrong between him and your mom - that stuff is truly between them and no matter what you do, you can't fix it.

I would definitely tell your mom but in the end he IS your brother and you going to diner with him could mend fences to maybe help heal the rift between him and the rest of your family. If not - he's still your brother and if at least you can have a relationship with him then that's still a good thing.

Our family has a similar situation but It's between my sister and my brother. I still talk to him and visit him and she knows about it. She just doesn't want to hear about our visits or talks together. Some in my family try to cover it up or pretend they don't talk to him and I think it is very disrepectful to my brother and to my sister. She's not dumb, she knows so being upfront is always best.

The thing I am worried about is your brother not knowing his girlfriend contacted you. I would not ambush him at dinner. He might get angry at everyone, including his girlfriend for making decisions for him. He needs to know he's getting together with you. If I were you, I would call him and be the one to invite him out instead.

Hey J.,
I totally agree with the advice Dianna gave to you...I would definitely go...what do you have to loose? At least you are being the better person by going...Life is too short to spend it not talking...Ive learned this over the years with my Dad..I have to set aside our differences, especially for my daughter!! Let us know how everything goes...I wish you the best!!
Meg

I would go. If you are able to talk to him you can act as a go between for them. Talk to him. Maybe you can get him to understand that life is to short to hold this kind of grude against her. Talk to him about making amends now as once your mother is gone there will be no going back and it will be to late. There may be a way for you to let him know that he lost a relationship with his mother at what cost. Tell your mom outright that you are going. You have nothing to hide. Tell her that you are going to find out some info as none of you have spoken to him. But don't lie. As a mother, I'm sure she'd be greatful to hear any news about him. Is he happy, is he health, is he doing o.k. Any info like that would be priceless to her. Go, your already not talking to him...what more do you have to lose??? To gain...you have the world.

Dear J.,

I would first talk to my mom and make sure she is okay with you going. I am sure she will be happy that the lines of communication are opening up. Maybe you and your precious child can help him to realize that life is short to be stubborn and help him towards forgiveness towards your mom. If mom is okay with it I would go and not discuss what happened between him and your mom and see how the evening goes. Maybe after the dinner you can have a dinner party at your home and ask if it is okay to have your mom as well. The holidays are coming perhaps that is a perfect time to reconnect. I have the same situation with my brother he did not speak to my mom and I for three years. Last week he contacted my mom which I am so happy for her. They are due to go to lunch soon and hopefully things will get better. My situation was over my sister-in-law and this is not the first time we have not spoken because of her. The sad part is my brother, my mom, and I were so close that her manipulation has torn my family apart. Here is my fear when and if we all do talk how long will it be before she creates another problem which will again cause us to not speak. They have been married for about five years and most of it has been us not speaking. My mom and I have tried everything to make this relationship work I just hope this time it will be different. We have always been a very close and supportive family and her family is not so I think it is her issue, but who knows time will tell. I hope for your mom and you that whatever the issue is they can get past it and your family can reunite. Good luck!!