Am I the Only One?! - Fresno,CA

Hi V.. I haven't had the experience of someone coming back and saying they don't like my "helpful" responses, but I've only responded to a couple of requests. It's too time-consuming.

On the other hand, I know how you feel about the "empty-nest" syndrome. Once my youngest (I have two adult kids) left home, I was telling everyone that it was overrated.

I can only tell you what I did and hope you don't make the same mistake. I was so lonely that I hung out in bars and married a guy just so I wouldn't be so alone. I was his fifth wife. That should've told me something, but I was blind. He was abusive, so after nine months, I was not only alone again, but beaten down emotionally. That's been 11 years ago.

Sorry that I can't tell you what would help, but at least I can warn you what not to do. Have a happy and safe year-one day at a time.

Dear V.,

You are still a Mom and this is one of the hardest parts of being a Mom. You can stay in her life, but you can't see her everyday - maybe you can talk to her and email her often, and send little things in the mail that make her life a bit better - but,
everyday momming is out now. She may come back, you know. This is the era of the swinging door children - out and in. Just be glad that she is alive.

I lost my son 3 years ago, and many families are losing their adult children in Iraq - it is hard to be a living breathing, honest to goodness feeling and loving human being. The goodness of life is that we had these experiences and that we, ourselves, were even born ! Just think of the odds of that happening, and it did happen to US !! I finally had to agree to hurt and to be so happy that I got to be his Mother.

You don't have to listen to other people, just be yourself and listen to God. He will guide you to a meaningful life .....as they say nowadays....to find your voice in this world. Just be patient -do you fingernails. I finally have been taking better care of myself personally, and doing things that I want to do - I am thinking seriously about taking piano lessons, not to fill up the hours, but to do something I have always wanted to do.

You will find a lot of comfort in your girlfriends. My girlfriends are in their 70's, 80's and even their 90's now, and they are just precious and a source of wisdom for me. I do not talk to them about my worries, but I listen to them, and how they take the slings and arrows of their lives. When you get older you take things a little differently - I guess you still hurt a lot for what is happening to your friends, children, country, but you are less judgemental and that, my dear, is a big burden that I am happy to have given up.

....and about someone not liking your advice - that is just normal. Lots of times when someone disagrees with you, that means that you have hit a nerve and that they will be thinking of what you said for a long time, and if it fits with their lives, they accept it as wise, and probably pass it on to others. So don't pay attention to that, I know - it is shocking and hurtful - but you have done the best you could and have reached out to another human being in sincere caring. So you did nothing wrong, and it may turn out to be better than you could possibly know. So hang in there.

One Mommie just sort didn't like what I wrote last week too. Friends? C. N.

I've never experienced that but I wouldn't give a second thought to what that woman wrote back to you. She's the one who doesn't get it. I've written about 3 requests on this site with about a dozen responses to each one. I've agreed with some of the advice and disagreed with others but appreciated all the responses. It shows a tremendous lack of class to lambast someone who has taken the time to respond to a request no matter how much you disagree with the advice. The majority of women who use this site appreciate the advice given. In fact, your advice might have assisted someone else with a similar problem even if it didn't assist the requestor.

Hi V.,

Don't worry about it. I know you are trying to add good advise but some people aren't as open to it as they would like you to believe. It goes comes with age. Let it go. Most people are nice and I haven't had that experience with that yet, but pleas don't let it discourage you. There are more people out here to talk to.
I was an empty nester and nothing seemed to help. My husband and I had been trying for many years to have another baby as my son was leaving we found out I was pregnant. That was over 5 years ago. I have a daughter who turned 5 years old on the 3rd of July. Things turn out in different ways. I did not like the feelings I was having when my son left. I thought he was too young and he signed up for the Air Force before his 18th Birthday and moved out with his wife's family out in Georgia and waited until he turned 18, then he went to Germany for 3 years. It's been a roller coaster. As soon as he went into boot camp his wife left him, of course and things changed for the better. The one major thing I changed in my life was getting my daughter into the Church. She is very busy so I said out the door with my boy and hello to my daughter. I wouldn't advise getting pregnant unless you wanted to, but boy how things change. It went from one extreme to the other. Church at Grace Baptist has been key. There are so many groups and women and kids and families to help out with and it makes it more fun. At the beginning with my daughter, Carlie she cried a lot and it was driving my bonkers. That's was I started going to Church. Just for my sanity. Everyone was sooo warm and friendly and at the time I really needed that. In closing, I would like to say just try to be there for you now and have fun. It took me many years to stop being so sad that my son was gone. I am 46 years old and sometimes I feel like I bit off more then I can chew, but my husband is the best. He takes her to the Mall and the pool and the movies so I get a break. She loves getting her nails done with me though. I think she has ADHD, but my husband won't let me talk about that word. She is busier then most kids her age.
She started School about 4 weeks ago so we will see what the Teachers have to say.
I do love both my kids to pieces and wouldn't change a thing. My son is in San Antonio, Texas and just had a Birthday yesterday. He got married last year and married into a little family and has three kids now. Two are his and I love all three. I love being a Grandma, three times over. It's blessing.

So, see it will work out but it takes time. So don't worry.
Write me at anytime. If you'd like.
You have a great day and never worry about what others say.
Be the best you that you can possible be.
R.

Hi Vicki,
I am the mother of three 18, 21 and 25. Plus a beloved grandson 21months.
It is difficult at first........and gets better....I chose to sing in a gospel choir, dance tango, run, swim and am pursuing road biking, and to be honest with you there are moments when I just feel that longing for my family. I call every once and a while. I am blest my 25 yr. old calls me a lot.
I love my kids and realized that most Holidays they want to spend with their friends and enjoy the time off from their work schedules, so I am part of a church community as well and loving that.
I have learned trusting my higher power has brought tremendous wealth to me spiritually as well as emotionally. I get up some mornings and ask my God how can I help someone.
Seems we can still be of service.........there is always someone who needs a helping hand....just a friend to talk with.......and then there is creating boundaries around that as well.....You are a beautiful courageous woman who has put hours of precious time in with your daughter......this is your time to soar like an eagle ........Jana Stanfield has some wonderful songs that touch the heart and speak of these moments......
Bless you Vicki,
M.

I'm sorry you feel discouraged. Please don't let one person's reaction keep you from these boards. There are many other mom's out there who will benefit from your experiences. We all have different opinions on things. It's just too bad someone would have such a strong reaction to a difference in opinion. That's what makes these boards wonderful! Take care.
J. M.

I am very sorry that your good intentions were not well received. By posting questions or requests on this site, Moms should expect to get a variety of responses, some of which may work for them and some which will not. Please do not let one Mom who did not like your advice stop you for participating. Everyone had a different style or circumstances and you should feel free to share what has worked for you.

E.

Dear V.,
As I am sure you have been told, you can't let one person's opinion stop you from sharing what you feel or know. I actaully went onto your profile and read a lot of the advice that you have been sharing and have yet to read one offensive or harsh reply. You seem to offer genuine help and always wish the recipient good luck on their issue. If that mom was offended she shouldn't ask for advice, and simply follow her heart. I hope her situation, whatever it was resolves itself and that you continue to be interactive on the site!
Gaby

I'm so sorry someone behaved in such away to hurt your feelings. I'm aploligizing for them.I hope you will continue to interact there might be a mother out there who needs your advice and forget about who hurt yer feelings.

Hi V.,

Hey don't let other people get to you. This site is about giving each other our experiences and advice (opinions). Who cares what that person thinks anyway? You sound like a really nice person who obviously cares and is sensitive to other people's feelings.

I read your "a little about me" section. I know how you feel. Just lately it really hit me how my girls are growing up fast. My oldest daughter is going into 10th grade in high school. That means I only have her for 3 more years. My little one is going into Junior High - that means only 6 more years. The worst part is they are probably going to ditch me long before they actually leave anyway. I was the opposite of you - I didn't intend to be a mom. I had no idea how much I would love it. I miss them already, but I am trying to spend the last years with as much quality time as I can get. oh and of course I am divorced and have to share my time with their father too. :-( you take care and know that you aren't alone.

I was in the same postion starting to feel a little unneeded but then my daughter had a baby and now I am needed again so hold on to your life and enjoy the sleep while you can.

Hi V.,
I hope that was a one time experiance ! If you come onto this site & ask for advice you shouldn't blast someone if you don't like that advice. It's just advice...not written to hurt anyone. I do find that most mom's on this site are younger than I and have very small children,while I have mostly grown kids. A lot of the time I find the requests bout diaper rash & teething & how can I get my baby to sleep in thier own bed a lil boring because I am way past that stage in my life. But there are many who appreciate the sage advice of someone who has been there & done that. I have given advice a couple times & so far it was appreciated. I say try it again. Maybe that was just one person? And when you find something fun & interesting to do let me know I'm in the same boat as you. Of my three kids, two are adults now and my youngest needs me less and less. I am however looking forward to more time with my husband, I'm not sure if he is though...LOL...Did you ever think of helping kids ? Foster parenting ? Maybe working at your local school ? Day care center ? If your missing having your kids need you, I'm sure there are plenty of programs out there wishing they had someone like you to help out.....Think about it & Good Luck..It was nice meeting you.....

Hi V.,
I am sure that you are not alone although it sounds like you feel that way. Lots of people take their anger or frustration out on others and I am really sorry to hear that it happened to you through giving someone else some advice. Please don't be discouraged from using this space. I'm sure that it was a shock to you and that it really hurt. Just know that whatever the other person was dealing with was much bigger than what you could have ever "done" to offend them or not "get it". You did a good thing by responding to someone elses' post. Whatever they do with it is up to them...Feel good that you were trying to help. Take care, I wish I had more advice to offer-

You seem very similar to me. I have offered my opinion and have been told that I'm trying to take over situations, groups, etc. It hurt my feelings at first, but now, I just say what I believe. We are all different people with very different personalities. I have learned that I must choose wisely when I interact. I will not hold back, but I will choose who can and can not handle me. I love my strong self and you should too. I come from a very male-strong career and I have learned to take on that hard nosed personality, which has hurt me since I have become a mom, but I have also gained from it as well.

I also am feeling like I have not found my niche since I have become a mom, but I'm close. I have too volunteered, worked, hobbied, but I have come to the realization that one must try everything before they can find their true "love". My husband makes fun of me every time I try to start a hobby and I give up. He says I can never stick to anything, but I say, I just haven't found a passion yet, but I will find a passion, I'm just trying to work towards it! Take care!

Everyone can be sensitve and that is why she might have felt the need to lash out on you. When we dont hear what we want we sometimes have a need to get angry like it sounds like she did. I asked a quetion and one response that I got was basically stating why did I want to change my methods of doing something. I was asking for help and she wanted to know why I wanted to change, sometimes the answer/questions are not what the other is looking for. But dont get upset about it. She might have been having a bad day.

But that being said I am also responding to your a little about me blog
I think that it is important for you to look for the ways that you can release yourself from the thought of being a needed mom. Maybe your daughter is growing up faster than you thought. Part of being a mom is changing as your child changes. You can not always have expected to be a needed mom. But I think that it is always to remember that you are still a needed mom just not in the same form. Your daughter will always come to you when life is good or bad. You might not always be the first on her list but you will be the most important. I think that now might be a good time to work on you. You say that you have tried to do other things, but were those just substitues for when you can be back to being a needed mom? And why is it so important for you to be needed. I have a mother who is very hands on andI love her but her need to still be that hands on mom can be suffocating. I can call her anytime everyday but there is a huge part of her that needs to step back let me breathe and do things my way. I am not saying this is your case but everyone needs to be themselves without someone there the whole entire time. You ask who am I now. You are V. who I am sure is great person but who has forgotten that by being the mom to (whatever you daughters name is ) and you are still a mom you just have a daughter who is no longer a child.

This has never happened to me, but I would be hurt if it had. At the end of most messages (not too sure about the private ones though), there is a link that you can report messages such as the one you recieved that says report as inappropriate. If I were you I would click this. There will be disciplinary actions taken. If she can't take the advice that you gave, then it is her problem and she should have to live with the consequences of her actions. Hope this helps!

V.,

I think it stinks that this mother reacted the way she did. She wanted advice and opinions. She should not have outed you for your particular advice. She should keep her opinions of your advice to herself. After all she asked for it, didn't she. She could have just read your opinion and what you thought and used it or left it alone.
C.

Yes, this has happened to me. It is not at all uncommon, especially online when people don't have tone of voice or inflection to go on. It's very hard to convey intent online, and combine that with the fact that we are often stressed out hormonal mothers talking about highly emotional subjects -there's bound to be flames.

This woman's reaction was not about you. It was about HER. Unless something you said resonated with her -unless she believes deep down somewhere in her heart THAT YOU ARE RIGHT- she wouldn't have felt the need to so vehemently deny it. Anyone that sends private messages to an online stranger blasting them has, well, issues.

"When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else."

-David A. Bednar

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

V.

I would not let one person prevent you from offering your suggestions here. I think that if you are posting here, that you are asking for advice and suggestions. Isn't that what the purpose of this site is? Please don't stop participating. I hope that you change your mind and I am sorry about this person who seemed to find it necessary to jump all over you for a suggestion they did not like. If you are going to ask for opinions and suggestions, you are bound to find some that you don't particularly like. I wish people would learn that they don't have to act on suggestions, if they don't like them they can just ignore them.

Please don't stop being an active part of this site. I know you are here for a reason and think of all of the other suggesitons you have made that might have already made a difference. Keep your chin up!!

I agree with Elizabeth. Why ASK if you don't want to read various people's responses??? I don't want to be cliche', but you really shouldn't let one person's opinion get to you, both on her side and yours. And wow! It even sounds like you are at a place in your life with some awesome experience. If you miss kids, my church sure could use a volunteer, just name the age you want to work with. We need people like you at Central Christian Church! Just let me know if you are interested. And please don't let this one woman shut you up on this site. I'm sure you have great advice to give that others will appreciate.

vicki, i believe everyone advise is there own opinion and for someone to shoot down YOUR opinion, that person is about herself and chooses to not listen to anyones advise. everyone gives there own opinion and feelings. i believe you take it as you take it and just because this happened doesn't mean you need to stop givin advise, you never know someone might need you. Please give your advise and if someone doesn't like it they shouldn't be on mamasource. isn't that what this about? Getting other moms advise?

Hi V.,

I'm sorry for your experience. I also had someone tell me I was totally wrong in something I responded to them about, and have had someone respond to my response to someone...also telling me I was completely wrong. But I was just giving my "opinion," and also what has happened to people around me. But I have also had someone respond and thank me,...so just remember that because some people can be rude, don't let it ruin you for everyone else! I'm sure you have good "opinions" to give, and that's all these people should expect! Take care.

Haven't experienced that yet. I figure if they don't want my opinion why ask for it on an advice column that is public? So far all the advice I've given has been taken nicely, which is how it was intended to be given. I wouldn't let one person mess things up for you though. You can keep answering if I ask things cuz I like everyones perspectives.

I'm sorry to hear that you got a nasty reply. I haven't had this happen but I think it was rude. If you are asking for advice then you should be ready to receive advice and realize not everyone is going to tell you what you want to hear. I hope that you will reconsider about giving advice in the future.Most of us that are asking for advice truly want it....T.

I'm so sorry you experienced that. You know, whenever I give advice or words of comfort, there is always a little anxiety when I see that I rec'd a privat message. But your experience hasn't happened to me yet. I wouldn't worry too much. But like you said, take a break for a little while. You don't need that stress. Maybe she was off her meds or hormonal that day or something. Take care.

don't worry about it..people have different opinions and preceptions on everything and not everyone gets along...if its just one person don't let it ruin it for you...like the old saying goes "its takes one person to ruin it for all" don't let this be the one.
hope this makes you feel better

I think I sent a response to the same person because I got the same response too! I wouldn't let this person get to you. I sent a response to someone and she told me that I didn't get it either. I responded back to her stating that she asked for the advice and if we don't get her then maybe she needs to use different words because everybody responded the same way. So I was a little bit confused on what she was really asking. I must say this, I have a son who has a congenital heart defect. He has severe ADHD and I chose to put him on medication but after I consulted his cardiologist, pediatrician, occupational therapist, psychologist, etc. You have no idea how many responses I got from mother's who blasted me for medicating my child with a heart condition. I couldn't take it personally because they don't know the whole situation. Just because one person was negative, doesn't mean that the advice you give to the next person won't help them in some way. You may have something wonderful to give here and it would be a shame to keep that from helping other mothers. I hope you change your mind.

So far this has not happened to me. However, I wouldn't let it get to me. She is obviously the one with the problem, not you. If she does not want to hear other's opinions then she should not be posting a question. Perhaps she has other issues and is just looking for someone to lash out at. Either way, you shouldn't let that keep you from commenting to others who might value your experience and responses.

Yes, the same thing happened to me. Except the person who sent me a personal message was just another person who responded to a question. She claimed to be an expert and told me I shouldn't be giving the advice I was giving. So I did some research and responded back supporting my claim. It seemed to just make her more mad. This site is to tell other mothers what your PERSONAL experiences have been, not what a textbook says (even though I have no idea where she learned the 'facts' she was claiming). Oh well! There is a reason why they send private messages, and that's because they don't want others to see them acting that way!!

Don't stop contributing because of one person. You know, I have put in many requests on this website. I don't always agree with what moms advise, but when you ask for help, you have to be ready for that. That's why you ask, to get some different insight. It's a very different thing when no one is asking, and you kick in the door, so to speak, anyway. I've had experience in Mommy groups where you get that one mom who wants to run everything. I've found that people like that are still questioning their worth as a person because they have gone from career woman to 'just a mom'. It's a difficult transition that some women never quite get. You seem to be on the other side of that, finding yourself as a person outside of being a mom. I can understand that. You define yourself as a mom, but who are you when you aren't 'mom'? This is a question I've been asking myself for a while. I think it would make me a better mom to know. I spend a lot of time writing. You should give it a try. Once you sit down and just put out whatever is in your head on paper, you might stumble across that thing that makes you happiest. Even writing about your experiences as a mom and the transition you are in right now. Who knows? You could be the author of the book we all buy to help us sort out our own transitions. Give it a try!

I've never had anyone do that to me. I'm sorry it happened to you. I think some people leave notes one here so they can have people agree with them or tell them they're doing the right thing. Not everyone is ready or willing to hear something to the contrary of their belief. Hang in there and don't take it personally. They asked for help, you responded. If they had a problem it is theirs, not yours. Don't stop giving advice. Someone who really needs you might be left out in the cold and your advice might be the ones thing they need to hear. Don't get discouraged.

This board is to ask opinions and you can give your opinion on anything. If someone doesnt like your advise that is their peroggotive but I don;t think it should be blasted. I always say to take things with a frain of salt here, take the advise or leave it. But it is public forum. I post what I feel even if I feel it might be uncomfortable with the one who posted it. I have never been sent a mean email though only nice ones. I don;t know what your situation is or what the post is so I can;t say if she was justified or not, but I wouldn't stop posting on the account of one person!