My husband and I are getting a divorce. We have 3 boys, ages 4,3, and 4 months. We have gone to court and temporoary custody was not established for either of us. I get to live at the house Sun @ 7 pm to Fri @ 7 pm. THe children are with me during this time. Then, Fri @ 7 pm to Sun @ 7 pm, I have to leave the house and my husband comes. I have expected acting out from my children, but I have become worried about my 3 yr old. Yesterday, Monday, he was being very mean. And then, he just stood in the living room and wet himself. I have a consultation with his dr on Fri. Is this something I need to be very worried about?
I want to thank everyone for your advice. My son and I went to his doctors appoinment and she was extremely helpful. She said that he feels is life is out of control, and the one thing he does have control over is what comes out of his body. She suggested to give him more control. Example, picking out what he wears, what movie to watch, what he wants for dinner. She also reminded me to tell my children 3 main things: 1. Mommy and Daddy will always love them; 2. Mommy and Daddy will always be here; and 3. It is NOT THEIR FAULT. She also told me that he needs to be able to express his anger. It can be drawing, hitting the couch a few times, counting, getting a punching bag..... anything that can help him. Because we do not want him throwing stuff or hitting others. Luckily, when Friday came for his appoinment, he had already stated behaving normally. Monday was really the only "bad" day. She also told me somthing that broke my heart and I started crying. She said that there is something between a mother and son. Boys are like hard wired to worry about their mother. She said even right now, that they are probably more worried about me than about what is going to happen during the weekend with daddy. She said it is probably just on a subconcious level right now, but it is happening. I have to reassure them, my sweet boys, that Mommy is okay. And that Mommy will be back. Thank you all, again.
My heart goes out to you and your children. It is normal for children to act out in response to stress and situations they can't control. The moving in and out of the house is probably the hardest thing because it means things are changing. Hopefully you and your soon-to-be ex will be able to console him and let him know that even though things are changing with you two, that will never change the love you have for him. Best of luck to you.
Divorce is hard. Especially for the children. He is only 3 with a limited vocabulary and limited understanding of his emotions. It could just be a matter of him being a middle child looking for attention or it could be that he just can't express himself. No you shouldn't be worried. Divorce or no divorce you need to help all of your children grow into mature and responsible adults. It is a process. All of the children minus the 4 month old may need counseling to help them express their anger, sorrow, frustration over the situation. They don't understand what is going on. The living arrangements are odd but this too will pass.
It would be great to get the boys a stable living situation. Keeping them in the same space is nice but stable really means stable adults for the kids. I hope you and the soon-to-be ex husband are stable loving adults for your boys.
I come from a family of divorce and it was very hard. I wrote an article for our local networking site that gave some tips I found to prepare children for divorce and also to help them once it's taken place.
http://www.momaha.com/article/20100311/MOMS02/100319922/1...
Bathroom functions are one of the last things a toddler knowingly has control over. I wouldn't read too much into it other than it was his way to express the loss of control over all the changes. I applaud you and your soon to be ex at leaving the kids in their home and you an your husband doing the house shuffle.
This new life is still VERY new (to you too!) and change is confusing and scary. Mean is a shield for hurt and scared, just like us adults:)
Don't be very worried, but don't ignore... Give him, and each of your boys, a little extra love, touch/hugs and attention, maybe even just 5-min one-on-one for each boy each night (that's eons to them:)). Maybe get some books from the library (librarians are GREAT at finding things for us Moms!) you can share and cuddle all your boys in your lap to read and talk each night -- just a small bit and not too weighty -- about Mommy and Daddy, Change and Unconditional Love, that divorce is about adults, you would never divorce your children.
These small bits will add up fast, and even faster if you can share your "strategy" with your husband so he can put in his advice/share as well. You will both always have your children in common, so learning to act together for them even while distanced is a great way to transition and show your boys you both care for them no matter what.
When I was 3, my parents divorced and I regressed with potty training and would check to see if my father was coming to pick me up during the day. After a month, these behaviors went back to normal. My father never returned, but my mother never talked badly about him -- it just "was" and that made things easier.
Much love and great courage to share with your little men!
Potty training regression and behavior changes are very normal for children going through stressful transitions, such as moving, divorce, mom going back to work.... Family counseling for the children could really help.
Poor little guy. It seems like it might be attention-seeking behavior. Or is he expressing his 3 yo opinion on the situation? :)
I would see if it continues. Plus many 3 yo are not even fully potty trained and even if he is, regression is pretty common. Good luck!
