Dr Jekle/Mr Hyde 3 Yr Old

I highly recommend the group:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PositiveParenting-Discipline

The mom's there are SO great at helping with these issues.

C.

Hi, L.... I can relate to your situation. I pray it gets easier for you. I have a few modest tips that I hope will help in some way, if you havent already tried or thought of.

1. Do "mommy & me" time... Have just you and him time ... pick a time when he's normally in a pleasant mood and do something HE likes such as zoo, park, or just visiting Toys R Us (let him pick a modest toy he can have next week if he's good that week)
2. Try not to be negative in correcting him. Meaning, not saying "no", "don't", etc too much. Instead of "don't throw that chair", try "honey, chairs are for sitting" and repeat it in a nice but firm voice until he places the chair down. Praise him modestly when he complies.
3. Redirect. Instead of "no, no, no" or taking something away, redirect him to something else like a car set or sticker book or chalk board. If he likes to hit, <maybe> get him a plastic hammer set or similar and designate that as his "agression area". Or start a play pillow fight with him. Show him love and kindness instead of "drill seargent". (not that I think you do that)
4. Walks on the beach!! This will help slim him down and burn off extra energy. You don't have to spend all day there... just an hour at sunset. Make a routine of it whether every day or every Wednesday or just every saturday.
5. Routine. Yes!
6. Rewards instead of restrictions. If taking things away doesnt work, try extra rewards when he does do nice things. Give him simple, do-able chores around the house that will allow him to build self-esteem and keep him too busy to act out: putting dirty clothes in hamper, feed pet, put spoons on table for dinner (even if you arent using spoons that night), weed the garden (even if it's just a potted plant on the porch), dusting small areas when you are cleaning house, etc. If my kids don't follow an "order", I repeat it over and over and over in the same mellow tone until they break down and do it! They KNOW I'm stubborn and will NOT give in... they give in just to stop me from repeating myself again like a robot!! Hehehehehe
7. www.nickjr.com has great activities for kids of all ages. Sites like that could be used as rewards as well.
8. And you may want to attend a weekly mom & child play time group together (at church or check local rec centers and libraries) ... where he can play with others if he wants or with you or just by himself. Then you can monitor his behavior with others and see for yourself what, if anything, triggers the behavior his teacher is reporting. Sometimes, a teacher with many kids may exaggerate the situation.
9. Consider changing day care to someone who has less kids and/or more experience. If the day care does not have structured activities and schedules, any child will act out. At this age, he needs to be prepared for the strict schedule of kindergarden.
10. CONSULT WITH YOUR PEDIATRITIAN. Rule out any medical issues such as diabetes, A.D.D., etc.

Does he have neighbors or cousins he could play with on a regular basis? Sometimes simple regularity will dull the bad behavior. My now 3 yr old niece would hit my now 6 yr old daughter every time they saw each other (and pull her hair, and take any toy my daughter had, and, and, and)... so we had them over or we went there almost every day. Soon, the niece was over this behavior and now she adores her older cousin!! The niece was just before and just after turning 2 yrs at that time.

My two older kids of my own now will change bad behavior with a simple "look" from me. I never used "time out" myself. I have simply used love, firmness, and consistency and lots of prayer for patience!! :) I also have an in-home day care and can relate to the day care provider's situation. Don't be shy to go there on your lunch break, if possible, to see for yourself how he is. Ask the teacher if he is like this before snacks? before nap time? Ask her to keep a brief log so you can find what may trigger this. I keep blank sticky labels in my pocket all day and jot down this or that during the day and stick them on the child's daily report just before pick up time.

GOOD LUCK!!
M.

You are not alone and your son is probably just challenging you. However, he will be going into Kindergarten next year and good behavior is expected.

Pinellas County offers a program through the school system called FDLRS. They will do an evaluation on your son, send someone to your home (almost like nanny 911) that gives excellent parenting tips and there is no cost to you. We had some troubles with our son and went through this program and it was wonderful. He has started Kindergarten this year and is doing great. The service is offered up to age 6.

I strongly suggest you contact them and get there help.

My best to you,

M.

L.,
you have a difficult job being a single mom forsure,but it seems to me that your son is acting out for some reasons that you may not know try talking with him ,and I would seek out the help of a professional child councelor..there are many things it could probably be maybe he is adhd? maybe he has anger issues because of something else? you r not going to get different results until you seek help , I feel for you I really do my mom was a single mom for alot of years and my brother was real handful! but never think of your child as a monster..he just may be confused as to how to get attention the right way so he will take negative attention to get it. I will pray for you guys ! it will get better if you & your son get counceling there are plenty of places in the health dept. that will help single mothers, and give you plenty of resources
this isnt just pertaining t oyou in perticular but in this day and age single moms in general have it rough trying to seek out a family when the fathers arent involved and are gone by choice or by cirumstances, I see it alot in the papers and on radio/t.v. the moms go out and the boyfreind who seemed so great molested or kills the babies/children I dont know if there is any way of really knowing that that could never happen
but please if you see signs of your children acting out or having bruises etc. look into it dont just explain it away, like I said before I am not saying there arent genuine guys out there who want a family just be careful, I know because a family friend molested me as a child although I never acted out I did other self distructive things and never told my mother because I felt like a burden as it was...I am not trying to come down on you I just want you to think about these things..

If you want a good book (and TV Series), check out Supernanny's stuff... she has a lot of insight, with positive discipline techniques... my daughter is only 13 months old, but I've used some of her stuff on my 7 and 9 year old cousins that bicker and fight constantly. My goddaughter (the 7 year old) is also very loud and can be defiant, but a lot of the stuff Jo teaches works. I'd share whatever corrective action you take with his teacher(s) also so that they can mirror it while in school to keep consistant.

It's worth a try. Both my husband and I come from spanking childhoods, and while it worked (I don't care what you say, it did- I sure as heck never did the same behaivor again!) I want to try and make that an absolute final, last ditch effort. Hopefully never have to use it type thing.

I'd also look into getting your son into a playgroup outside school, weekends type thing- get him around other kids in a "fun" situation, not a school situation. You can supervise him and guide him when he acts wrong. Possibly coming from mommy instead of a teacher will correct the situation.

Eventually he will grow out of it. I'm not saying to use that as a cop out for being proactive in correcting him when he acts up...

Let us know what you end up doing.

L. was your son close to the person of your past relationship because if that is the case he may not understand and his actions are the result of miscommunication. He may think that it might have something to do with him is the reason that you and your ex has split. You may want to talk to him about the situation, not in too much detail of course, and see what he feels on what has happened. Believe it or not children know when anything is going on whether they show it at the time or not. My husband and I have custody of his great-neice and I have learned a lot in my young age from her. she is also about to be 4 and when her mother (whom is bad for her) comes around or she calls to start trouble Taina knows and will start acting out as if she knows no better. Her mother doesn't even have to talk to her or see her but kids know and it take her a few weeks to readjust to the knowledge that her mom doesn't want her and has other things that are more important (Taina's words and no one elses). So he may think that what ever happened had something to do with him eventhough he wasn't involved. He is acting like he is really mad about something and as soon as find out what that something is the better for everyone involved. Good luck. N.

L., I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your son. My 4 year old sounds eerily similar. His problems began before age 2 and, although we knew it was getting much worse, denied there was a "real" problem and didn't seek professional help until he was 3. The daycare was fed up with his behavior and constant disruption and flat out tyranny. Fortunately they were also kind and loving, particularly as they saw the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome as you also see in your son. They referred us to early intervention through the Florida Center, which is in Sarasota. After lots of interviewing, testing, and hard work, we found out that AJ not only had Sensory Processing Disorder, which was seriously affecting his ability to function in a busy school setting, but eventually we received the mixed blessing of a pediatric bipolar disorder diagnosis. None of what I say is intended to scare you or make you think your son is the same as mine. The behaviors are dead on, but he is an individual and it could be many other things. The point is, the longer you deny the problem or try to keep handling it yourself, the more likely it is that a serious problem will remain uncovered... that is in case there IS a serious problem that may explain the behavior. He may just be bored, tired, angry, or needing more challenge in preschool. Who knows? But I truly understand feeling at the end of your rope with your own child. AJ seemed (and still often does despite treatment) to play by his own rulebook, and no book, advice, or disipline method had ANY effect until we were able to uncover the root problem. That being said, there is a really great book you may want to try reading called The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene. It has some WONDERFUL information on parenting children who live according to their own rules and how to better understand their point of view. It has been very helpful to us. Best wishes and good luck to you both.

I had a similar problem w/my son, who has always been way taller then kids his age. When your a single mom its very hard to be the main disaplineary b/c its much easier to just give in. You need to stay strong & constantly disapline him, even stuff that you would normal let fly.... Stick to it & it wont take long for him to straighten up. I also suggest karate. It helped my son sooooo much. It teaches them disapline & respect. My son is 9 now & is wonderful. I rarley have any more problems.

Hey there.
Nobody REALLY knows until they are with you and your child what's really going on. The thing with child therapists is they will try to label your child sometimes. Be aware of that and be careful. They are helpful but not all knowing.

Also, there are a few fundamental things. One is to remain calm even during the worst hair pulling, biting, kicking scene. T o remain in control and patient until it is over even if it's 45 minutes. When the child is finally answering you and listening, that's when it's over.

I used to take my son into my bedroom and put my back against the door and do deep breathing in between talking to him. He would claw and scream and freak out trying to get through the door, he would try to manipulate me by wanting to be held....I would hold him to see if it would calm him, but if he continuedd, I would make him get off me.It was an exhasting push pull.

Eventually we got over it. I had to take toys away and put em on the fridge and he's earn em back, etc...

The most important thing was to set a reasonable limitation. Don't pick at EVERYthing. Choose your battles, buckle down, breathe, remain calm. Don't freak out and start screaming(I've done that too!). I don't agree with hiting. Some people do. I don't think you can teach a child not to hit by hitting them, but that's just me. I did hit my son for biting me so hard it left a purple mark on my arm for two weeks! I usually apologize when I hurt him because I do it out of anger and I've told him "I am not allowed to hit you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. You just made me so upset by doing bla bla, and I should have done bla bla instead"

This teaches him to apologize when he is wrong and that ALL people have to respect each other. Not just child to parent.

I didn't apologize the time he left the mark. I told him "I usually apologize when I hurt you but look at my arm. Look what you did. It really hurts. I don't want to apologize this time, I think you need to know that hurting people can lead to people wanting to hurt you. I wish you wouldn't bite me like that. It hurts. Look at it"

I showed it to him for two weeks. Not preaching at him, but telling him "I am not going to yell at you and you ar enot going to yell at me. " Then I tell him how we'll work it out.

We go through this a couple of months before and after every birthday. It's normal. You should let him talk if he wants about his Daddy, but don't bring it up too much. You don't want to create a stigma for him

I know a lady who adopted and she openly talks about his mom in front of him all the time. She acts like he's not there and talks about him. I know some of the things she says effect what he thinks of himself. You know, instead of "my son is a monster and he ALWAYS hits people: you would say "well, we are working on understanding that we want to be nice to people and not hurt them"

That kind of thing. Instead of "Oh, it's so sad. His Daddy isn't here any more and it's just so sad" when someone says "Why doesn't his Daddy teach him how to ride a bike ?"or something, you could say "well, his Daddy isn't here to do that but I know he can do it if he tries! We'll have to work on that! His Daddy would be proud of that!"

You know, be positive, watch what you say. Know that you create what you say....it effects his self image.....take a step back. Start over. Give him a clean slate. See it coming and try to avoid the conflict. That kind of thing.

Mostly, if you love him, you will keep working and you will find the answer. It is a parent who loves and who tries that does a good job. Tell him everything great about himself....it will create that greatness....be consistent. Don't threaten a punishment yo won't serve out....if you mess up, tell him you messed up....

Oh, and diet. Too many grains and processed flour and sugar (soda also ) will make ANY child feel crazy.

Good luck!

A.

Hello L.,
You are not alone, except my youngest daughter was like this as an infant, she has gotten much better now.
For example, as an lil one, she would stand straight as a board, throw a tantrum and fall straight back - butt and head would hit the floor at the same time; spanking did not work, she would laugh. She had no fear of the water or other individuals. We had a hugh list of things she should not do at the sitters, example no hitting, biting, pushing, snatching, wrapping her hands around another childs throat, ect ... So we told her to use her words with the sitter,not her actions. Basically, tell the sitter why she felt compelled to do these things and then we would redirect her to do something as alone time - example, sit quietly and watch tv; play her leapster without the other children interrupting; and even count to 10 slowly before she got too angry. We also took evening walks around the neighborhood for 10 to 20 mins, it seemed to help her.
I have found with my daughters, that if I reason with them, meaning to put the other child in their shoes, example of this would be: would my youngest enjoy if her friend and / or cousin hit her how would it make her feel? happy or sad? This has been found to be very useful for me. After receiving their answer, I would just tell her then don't do what you don't want your friend to do to you. I know it is hard, but it slowly getting better when you find a method to work for you.

L., Keep trying and stay positive.

It sounds like, in your "A little about me" section that both you and your son have been through an awful lot this last year with the moves and the loss of an additional adult figure for your son. That is a lot of stress for both you and your son and could be at least part of the reason for his currently personality.

You could try talking to your pediatrician. Let him know what has been going on for the last year and the current problems your are having. He may be able to give you some good advice or refer you to someone who can.

If you are happy with his preschool and like the teacher that he has then I would talk to them also and see if they have any ideas that they can do at school and you can do at home that way there is total consistency.

My 4 1/2 year old daughter has told me that she hates me, that I am no fun, that she doesn't like me, etc. etc. Course these statements all come from when she is in trouble and can not do what she wants. I look at her when she says these things and just tell her that what she is saying is not very nice and that she could hurt someone's feelings but that I still love her. She has actually pretty much stopped saying these things now so I don't know. It does hurt your heart to hear them say things like this but just keep in mind they do not really mean it they are just angry and want a reaction.

I agree with the people that said to try to spend some quality time with just you and your son. I am sure that this is difficult with you working full time but take full advantage of the evenings, weekends and morning time that you have together. Just remember that in that last year a lot of significant changes have taken place, you have moved 3 times, left a long term relationship, I am sure that your son probably had some type of playmates where you lived before and also the adult that you had the long term relationship is probably not around anymore either. This is all very unstable and can be very scary and traumatic for a little mind to try to understand. You son may be feeling like everything he has ever known, except for mommy, is different and that can be pretty scary.

Good luck and try to stay positive. We all live for the little extra hugs that we get and the I love you mommies that just come out of the blue. It will get better.

M. N.

I am sorry that you are going thru this with your son. My recomendation is to visit the pediatrician and explain what is going on. Ask if it will be a good idea to take him to the psycology or behavior therapy. Good luck!!!

I would start by getting rid of the word monster. I used to call my son , "little monkey." He acted like one. Our words can have that effect. I do think it is wise to rule out behavioral disorders. It doesn't sound like he is a bad boy, just having difficulty perceiving and responding to his surroundings appropriately.

Pam

you are describing my son all over again. the mom that said to stop calling your son a monster is right. I call my son my darling prince or my darling angle. It helps. Sounds silly, but it helps. When I call David to me, I say, "Momma's angle boy, come here." Or "My darling prince, come here."

If you son knew his father and knows that he has passed, I strongly would suggest therapy for him. Children really do understand more than we give them credit for.

My son only remembers me separated from his father. He has no memories of us married and living in the same house. But the divorce was still hard for him - even at 2 years old.

Also do try the positive when disciplining. "Honey, please set the chair down on all 4 legs" or "Please hug me gently" I found better results that way too.

I can tell you that he sounds angry about something - I am thinking his father passing or not being around for him. Please consider therapy - also discuss this with your pediatrician and see is he/she has an idea of what might be causing it.

Also, I would recommend limiting the sugar (Sucrose, glucose, fructose, dextrose) and the yeast he eats. I know it sounds dumb, but I found - by trial and error - that by limiting my son's intake of sugar and yeas, his behavior improves.

L., I hope it won't offend you if I pray for you! I had a sister like that, it got so bad that in third grade the police came to the house and escorted her to school because she wouldn't go. I don't know how, but she turned into a wonderful person all on her own. So there is hope.

What you can do for yourself is to be proactive, both to make the situation better and to make you feel better that you know you're doing the best for your son. A great website is http://www.positivediscipline.com/, all I did was read the free articles and I felt more empowered. An oldie but goodie is Between Parent and Child, and this book changed my life. It helped me not only raise my kids with respect, but be more respectful to my husband and myself.

What else can you do for yourself? How about some respite? Can you befriend a neighbor or a mom at the preschool with a son your child's age, and take turns doing playdates or sleepovers? You are really blessed to have a child you can take anywhere. I've seen that before with only children with single parents, they relate better one-on-one. Use that as a strength. Maybe what would help is a different childcare, where you tell them ahead of time, this kid needs one-on-one time, too. For example, he can help the teacher put the mats down for naptime. He feels responsible, and at the same time gets the attention he needs.

::Climbing up on the soapbox:: It isn't a failure on your part or his part if he needs a little extra attention, kids weren't designed to be stuffed into group care so young, even though due to circumstances beyond anyof our control, many of our kids have to go, inclusing mine ::Climbing back down::

Take good care of yourself, you're doing great! Keep coming back, the moms here are awesome! (((L.)))

Dear L.;

I would strongly recommend family counseling. Check with your preschool, church, children's advocacy group, etc. Then give yourself a break; it's hard enough raising a child alone, without extra worries.

I'm sure your child is a loving, wonderful child. He's just not showing you that side right now! I do know (from working with boys in school for nearly 10 years) that boys tend to show their sadness and depression through anger and rage. Which is totally normal, btw. He just needs to learn to express those feelings in a more acceptable manner.

You might also want to check into other daycares; the staff should not be giving up on your little guy.

Did he ever know his father? Maybe he misses his father figure, that has to work so much. You might also check into food allergies; they can make a child quite erratic.

Just remember -- this is your child, and you love him. He is behaving this way for a reason. You are not a bad parent. It's okay to go to a professional and get some advice. You wouldn't try to set his leg if it were broken, would you? :) So let a pro help you through this. Now is the time to do so; otherwise, he'll be incorrigible by purberty.

Best of luck, and I'll be sending loving thoughts and prayers your way. You can make this better. Your little guy is depending on you to help him through this.

Hi L.

I am a former child care Director and I understand what you are going threw and I also sympathized with your son.There have been many changes in your lives You might want to consider a smaller setting for him I retired from being a Director and I now do child care in my home I have 3 children of my own and my youngest is 4 and he tends to be a loner.If you are interested in talking about this futher you can email ____@____.com

Hi L., I am also a single parent. The best advise I can give you is pretty much what the other parents suggested. Instead of being negative try positive response for good behavior. My son's favorite besides "I hate you" was "I want a new mommy", I always tell him that no matter what, or how angry I can get I will always love him and send him to bed at night with that reminder.

If you choose to have your son tested which is not a bad idea, please get a diagnosis from at least 2 different testing facilities, DO NOT GO WITH ONE DIAGNOSIS - I learn't this from experience. I went with two, if you need help finding testing call the universities, I had my son tested where my pediatricin recommended and the results were dead wrong, had him retested at NOVA university and he is now doing fine.

There are very few places that test children at the age of 3, st. Mary's in west palm does but after my experience, I would not recommend them. NOVA University,in Davie, FL does the testing, it is worth the drive. Believe me I called all over FL looking for testing for my son at that age, it was not easy.

I know how difficult it is as a single mom, and my son acted out really badly every time we moved locations. He also did not transition well, it took a lot of work and patience.

If you would like to Email me my email is ____@____.com

Hey L.,
Chin up......You must first find a discipline that suites your purpose of discipline and use it over and over. Be consistant.
But I would recommend for having a man to be involved with him to look into a church. Most churches will have children programs much like boy scout or something along those lines. Men head up the class and they learn manly things along with learning how to serve our awesome God.
Plus too it will give you a break from him while he is in a class to have your strength renewed also.
It is tough going through life at times, but the saying is true.
When you do your best, God will do the rest......
I will be keeping you in prayer and hope you find time for him.

I recently discovered a book called Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility. It's a very good book and it gives you real situations and how to handle them. You can check out their website at www.loveandlogic.com.

Hi, L. I can understand your frustration, esp as a single mother myself. It sounds like your son-as much attention as you might be giving him does not seem to feel as if he's receiving it. I had this problem with my daughter and she is now only 18 mos. I suggest to take clear and keen note of when he is reacting positively. He is old enough to know what he is doing and I believe he is doing it simply to get your attention. I think what he would really want to say but doesn't know how is he needs you more at his level. Now obviously as parents that is just impossible to do all the time. But you should sit with him and ask him what would he like to do that would make him behave. Make him feel like he plays a roll in his choices. Try taking time out with him( I read that somewhere) and no matter how old they are sometimes you have to go to the basics. Tell him he'll be on time out for a small amount of time. Hence you are disciplining and he knows that but what he also sees is that mommy is taking time out with him and for him. When his time out is up you hug him and tell him he was a good boy- even if you had to tell him over and over to stay still. You praise him with hugs then you distract him into a new activity for him. The lesson is that you won't reward bad behavior- bad behavior gets disciplined but that you do understand that he is trying to get attention and time with you and when you interact with him at his level he will learn to connect that he gets what he wants from mommy when he participates with what mommy wants as well.

Hope this helps. You got also get more suggestions from the babycenter.com and click on preschooler- ages 2-4. There are loads of disciplining suggetions on there.

The soccer will also help esp if you participate as well.

First - stop calling your son a monster. He may behave like one sometimes or even most of the time but he's not a monster. The reason I say this is because what you say becomes what you think and once it's in your head as a fact - you will react to him like that instead of out of love. I know from personal experience.
Second - Stop reacting to the behavior. When he behaves like that do you get all tense and yell or speak very angry? He might be looking for the reaction. When my son used to say "I don't love you" or "I hate you!" after his father and I divorced - I learned to say "Well, I still love you." He said that just to see if I would react. He misbehaved (Major) in preschool and a few years later was rude to his Step-Father. He would say things like "You're not my father" and all the typical stuff. I simply told him that he wasn't his father but he was the father figure in our home and he deserved respect.
The key is consistency. If you switch your tactics every time just because they didn't work the last time, you're never going to get anywhere. You have to try something for maybe a week or two or even longer. The point is that you don't buckle or give up. Keep at it. Most of us fail because we want our children to like us and we don't want to be mean. I was there, too. But then my grandmother told me - You aren't a parent for your children to be your friends. You're their parent to mold them into the person they're going to be. Then when they mature and have children of their own - they will thank you. Respect is so much better than having them be your friend.
It will be hard and you will probably shed a few tears but it's worth it.
Just think of it this way - if you don't change his behavior now, can you imagine that behavior in a teenager? You think it's out of control now? What until then and it will be too late.
I hope this helps and I will say a little prayer for you.
-S.

Can you say ADHD and ODD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder & Oppositional Defiance Disorder)? This child needs help in the form of meds and YOU need to go to parenting classes QUICK. NO, I'm NOT saying you need parenting classes because I think your a bad mom, I'm saying you need them because you have a "special needs" child on your hands and they have "special" parenting classes to help YOU learn how to effectively and appropriately deal with his problems and issue. I have a daughter JUST like this one. Dear, do yourself a favor, don't mull it over about the child psychologist, DO it! There are so many places to find them. Call social services, get on the internet, etc. Hurry before it's too late! If he WANTS to be good but can't, you don't know how close to suicide he may be! And YES it can happen. My daughter tried it at NINE years old. Her reason, she told everyone it was because she "Wanted to be a good girl but couldn't."
Blessings,
Lady Athena

hi i kinda know how u feel my nephew acts that same way really mean or really nice his school is now trying to get his mom to put him on drugs. His mother does not want to do that but i think maybe the moving and ending of your relationship might have something to do with it rember how hard change is for us as adults imagin if you were four with no controll. He can some what controll his tempure he chosses to get mad maybe help him find an activity when he gets angry like jump rope or somthing i dont know hope i helped u good luck

god bless you
S.