Dear L. W.
God bless you and your child for I know first hand that this is a very difficult situation for you and for your daughter.
My sister had to leave her abusive husband when their daughter was only 7 months old. She had no place to go at that time and she went to live with our parents. Both of my parents, including my husband and I all pitched in to see her through the agony of leaving, of divorcing, followed by the fear of her ex-husband wanting his "parental rights". I believe, wholeheartedly, that both mother and father should be in the child's life because that is the way that it was intended to be by God's own design. However, my niece's father was heavy into drugs (my sister was not), and he hid it well until they married, or she would have never allowed herself to be placed in a situation to fall in love with a man who thought more about his drug addiction that anything else. There's a long story there, but I won't bore you with the details.
My sister has gone through many, many questions from her daughter as to where is her daddy, why do all the other kids have daddies but me, how come we don't live with daddy...I am sure that you can relate. Even though this happened when my niece was only 7 months old.....she does get older.....and wiser....and the questions are there. My niece has had absolutely no contact with her father because he doesn't care. It is a shame that she wouldn't even recognize him or he recognize her if they passed each other walking. That is sad, but to be honest....in her case it's the best thing.
My niece and my daughter are as close as any two sisters could be, if not more. They have shared so many wonderful things growing up and they will continue to do so. My daughter who is 2 years older, has helped her tremendously and my niece has, at times, been sort of jealous that my daughter had a father and she didn't, but their love for each other made that feeling go away quickly and forever; not to mention the attention and love she received from my husband. My sister has made sure that she has surrounded my niece with loving, caring, and compassionate people. She has answered her questions age appropriate, and never has she ever allowed my niece to take the absence of her father to be her fault, which most kids do.
So from the age of 7 months until she was the same age as your daughter, the only "father" figures in her life were her grandfather (our dad), and my husband.
As much as she wanted to have a "real" father, we just surrounded her with love and reassurance that his absence was not associated with her in any way. All children will blame themselves first and sometimes when they are blaming themselves, they see the attention that it gets them and so....if it worked the first time, lets see if it works again and from that point on, its a never ending cycle.
Your daughter is legitimate in her feelings when she acts out at school. Of course, she wants a father....what child wouldn't want two loving parents who live under the same roof. That need is in all of us. At the same time, I believe that not all of what you are describing here is solely related to her desire or need to have a father figure in her life. She has expressed her feelings in a negative way and she will continue to do so because she wants someone to pay attention to her.....not only what she is lacking, but also because it gets her what she wants at that time. I am not saying that you don't give her everything she needs...you obviously do. I just think that she is reacting on "both sides of the fence".
Please don't beat yourself up on this. Sit her down and talk with her....but on her level, keeping in mind that she is a wonderful little girl who truly just wants the love of her father. You can not give her that, you can give all of yourself, but you can not ever take the place or fill in the gap and its not your fault. PLEASE, IF THERE IS ANYTHING IN THIS MESSAGE TO YOU THAT I HAVE SAID THAT WILL STICK...LET IT BE THIS STATEMENT ALONE. YOU ARE HER MOTHER AND YOU CANNOT EVER FEEL GUILTY OR TAKE THE BLAME BECAUSE THE OTHER PARENT DECIDED TO LIVE A LIFE WITHOUT YOUR DAUGHTER IN IT. BE THE BEST MOM YOU CAN POSSIBLY BE AND STOP CARRYING THE BURDEN ON YOUR BACK OF THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD....GOD WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO DO THAT. HE DID NOT CREATE YOU, L., TO CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THIS ISSUE ON YOUR BACK ALL BY YOURSELF. GIVE THIS BURDEN TO HIM, LAY IT AT THE CROSS AND HE WILL SURROUND YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER WITH EVERYTHING YOU NEED....YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP BELIEVING AND KEEP PRAYING.
Reinforce to her that you are a family and families come in all different sizes, shapes, and colors. One is not better than the other.
Lay down some ground rules on her behavior and do it right now before you hit a point where she no longer listens and does her own thing. Allow her to voice to you first exactly why she is acting the way that she is and do this as calmly as possible. It may not always be "the absence of a father" that has triggered a negative reaction, it might be something not even related. But, set the ground rules, stick to them, tell her what consequences follow her actions, and carry them out. I guarantee you that it will hurt you far more than it will ever hurt her. She needs to understand that this is her family and you are her mother. Though "dad" may be out of your lives or whatever, it can never be her fault no matter what, and make sure that she knows that whatever life may bring, she will always have you by her side. Sometimes kids need to be told that even adults don't do the right thing, we make mistakes all the time, and we are not perfect.
Hope this helps you and may God bless you and your family.
T.
