Feeling Neglected

Start with "Honey, the kids and I would like some time with you when you're off work. What say you set aside the bike for an afternoon and let's all do something together."

I agree with some people than men are more selfish or self focused. It's late for me as my kids are older but I spoiled my husband. I never made plans or started an exercise regimen so I think he's gotten so used to me being here. My male friend at work's wife was complaining he does his thing and she never gets to do hers and he said "what does she want to do!??" Bc she's not specific that she wants to go do xyz. I can see his point. I think men need a plan so say you want him to do xyz and you want to go do xyz. I think it would work better than a general complaint...

I don't remember feeling neglected but I felt under appreciated. One day I was walking into the local library and some construction workers out on the street started talking to me and I really felt flattered. I went home and told my husband I felt like I wanted and needed a boyfriend and I hoped it would be him. He took me seriously and things have been fabulous for years. (I am married for 18 years). In return I try to treat him like my boyfriend.

Also, a hot tub has by far been the best purchase we have made to help secure a happy and healthy marriage. Being in the the hot tub under the stars, without distractions makes me feel so connected to my husband. (It is also great for maintaining a great relationship with your kids. We talk about things in the hot tub that probably would not come up out of the water).

Say something like,

Honey, I'm glad you found something you really like to do. We all need outlets for creativity and stress relief. Except your hobby has crossed the line into giving me stress. I feel undervalued and like I am just your housekeeper and babysitter, while you work on your motorcycle. I feel the kids are harmed by the lack of your presence in their life. I know that's not your intended purpose, it's just a fact. We need to find a balance that's not there right now.

We need to put bookends on the time we spend doing our own things. Like from 5:00- kid's bedtime, one weekday night. Maybe till noon on Sat. We can work it out. But things have to change. I need to know our life together is secure.

I hope your feelings are not a result of feeling like you can't enjoy life or your boys without your husband joined at your hip.

Make plans, tell him what time to be ready. Go!

have you talked to him about it? Men can't read your mind. If my husband has been spending too much time on his computer games, I tell him I want him to stay upstairs and spend time with us. He does. If he feels like we havent spent enough couple time together, he tells me and I track down a babysitter so we can go out on a date or something. Communication is the key.

Marie-

By all means talk to him. He might think you are perfectly happy with things the way they are, he might think that he is helping the family with the tinkering (financially?), it might be a hobby/ interest that is his down time from work.

It is fine for him to have an interest, and to spend time on a thing, unless of course, you are put upon by it.

Some would counsel you to find your own interests, outside of the home to force his hand into picking up more childcare responsibilities. It will certainly have that effect.

But in terms of making him want to spend time with the kids, or making him enjoy time with you and the kids. That is beyond your ability, but a change he has to make in himself.

Good luck to you and yours.
F. B.

Have you thought about scheduling something for yourself? Look at the local community college or rec center. Take a class once a week in whatever you are interested in. DH can take care of the family while you go. You'll come back recharged.

Also, my mom taught me the value of just GOING, regardless of what ever DH has planned. My dad is an avid golfer. She got tired of always waiting for him to have time to do things. So, she just scheduled and went. She would let him know "Honey, the kids and I are going to do XXX on Saturday. We're leaving at 10AM, and won't be home until XX if you want to come."

At first, my dad didn't come (and she didn't say a word out it to him). Then he would listen to us talk about how fun it was, realize he was missing out, and he starting to make the time to come with us for our family outings - not every time, but at least some times. This strategy has worked for me too, and there is no nagging or fighting involved.

Many men are immature and more interested in their hobbies than their families. My husabnd is a TV addict. In the Summer (until last year after an injury) he's spend so much spare time playing softball. My borhter who is ao wonderful guy has a hobby for every season - snowboarding, bicycling, rockclimbing, etc. His wife feels like so many of the rest of us.

One of my pastors once said to me that he doesn't understand why - but he finds that most men are just selfish. Women will more easily sacrifice themselves for their families and desire to spend their spare time together with everyone - while many men enjoy their family - but would rather do what they want to do - even if it puts us out.

I don't have a perfect answer other than to wait until you have his attention (that afterglow time after sex is always a good time - he's happy and content) and explain how you feel without putting him on the defense. My husband has matured alot over the years - thankfully! But I don't think the average guy will ever be as mature as the average wife.

Find a hobby of your own that is outside of the home and the kids can't come. Then get some adult time away from the house. Make hubby babysit the kids, cook them dinner, bathe and put them to bed. Let him take some of the responsibility. He is their father, he needs to spend time with them too. You allow him to ignore them. As he starts spending time with them he'll start getting used to being in the house.

Yeah. Pick up a wrench.

So I am going to assume you have spoken to him about this a few times already. What does he say?

What are his suggestions for spending real focused time on you and the children every day? He give the kids a bath every night from now on.

What will he start doing to help around the house?
He will start doing the laundry each week? bathing the kids, putting them to bed?

I like to put the weight of these things on the person that is having trouble solving a problem like this.

Honey so glad you are enjoying your new bike. It is awesome it is coming along. But the kids miss spending time with you. How can you schedule some time each night to spend with the kids and then have an hour or 2 to work on the bike?

On the weekends, which day would you prefer to work on the bike and the other day for us to spend as a family?

There are some people that need a break after work. They fill this time with an activity that they see progress and have time alone.

But when we have families, we only have them for a short amount of time. Men are better when children are older and can ""do things".. The sad part is that is such a short window in our children's lives, before they decide to find their own friends and interest.

The other thing that your husband may not realize is that he IS also a parent. YOU are not the only parent. If he honestly is not parenting the children by spending at least an hour or 2 with his children, he is depriving them of him being their father.

There are people that CANNOT spend time with their children for serious reasons. They have to work, they are ill, they are divorced and do not have much custody. They would beg borrow and steal to be able to spend time with their families.

I recall a neighbor mentioning that her already distracted husband wanted to take on college to get his Phd. He was going to move (during the week) in with his parents out of town during the week days and come home on the weekends.

She was not sure this was a good idea for her and the girls. I asked her "what are you and the girls going to do when you realize your home is happier without him during the week and all of you realize your home life is smoother and happier when he is not here?

She said,
"that will never happen. The girls adore their father." We are going to miss him all week , I am not sure I will be able to do everything alone while he is gone."

They did great. They were happier, there was not a feeling of being mad because dad was not picking up the slack, instead they just redistributed the expectation. Until he was more of a hassle than when he was living at home, but not participating or was making excuses for not helpin gout and acting like they were a real family.

I would not warn your husband, I would tell him. Honey we miss you. I am afraid you are missing out on time, that you will never get back with the kids. If they only see him working on HIS projects they will not remember how wonderful and fun he is.

And mom, you need a break, the kids need a break from you too. They need to understand dads are parents too. They parent their own way. You may need to write down what your husbands week is going to look like for each week. Maybe he needs a timer or an alarm. he can come home play with the kids, eat dinner, he bathe them and THEN he go outside to work on the bike. If you want to go out, give him the baby monitor so he can hear the kids. And mom, remember, dads do things their own way. He may horse around with them, he may allow them to take a shower instead of a bath, sometimes, dads count it as a bath if the kids played in the kiddie pool.. Let it happen. Your children will survive, just have your husband suffer his own consequences,. He lets them horse around and it takes them 2 hours to calm down? That is his problem. No I" told you so", instead, "hmm, I wonder if they are having time calming down?" "Maybe next time you can horse around with them when you first get home."

Have you thought about getting a job yourself, outside of the home? I stay home with my kids all day and recently got a part time job a few nights a week, it's been wonderful to get out of the house and work with other adults. I feel more balanced because of it. Maybe when he see's that you're not always going to be home with the kids it'll spark something in him.

Talk to him when you are not feeling angry. My guess is that he, like you, is probably feeling overwhelmed at having two little kids. Who doesn't? And this is his way of escaping. If you try to explain that you understand his need to get away, but want more balance in your family life, that would be a great place to start. Maybe on a date night if you can afford it. And I would also imagine you would feel better if you had a hobby too - an evening exercise class, book club, whatever gives you one night a week where he agrees to take care of the kids while you take care of yourself. It is hard to talk about these things without making our partner feel attacked - so plan out what you want to say as neutrally as possible.

is he getting paid for working on other peoples car? if he is, encourage him, even part time mechanics can make serious money! men need hobbies , otherwise, you would never have a minute to yourself...K. h.

You don't say that you've talked to him, so I'm going to assume you haven't. You need to. How is he supposed to know that this is how you feel? He may not realize that there are things outside of the house that you would like to do. He may not realize that you feel alone even though he's out in the garage.

I will say that soon your boys will be old enough to "tinker" in the garage with him and you will love seeing your hubby and your boys bonding like that. Everything in it's own time.