Frustrated with Friendships

I feel your pain mama! We were at swim lessons the other day and another mom offered me a cup of coffee... yay! Then proceeded to "pick my brain" about her child's development (kid pshrink and now special ed admin so it's a double-whammy). Outstanding. Really? I just wanted to chat and watch our kids swim. Oh well.

Honestly, I have gotten to know my husband's friends' wives very well and we have a little group. We get together every-other-month as a group of women and we have an agreement... we don't talk "shop". We are all (except one) educators or work in that field and we agreed at our first dinner that work was "off limits" and it is wonderful! There are so many other things to talk about!

When I first moved to NY a couple of my sorority sisters were living in NYC and it was great! We went out every weekend- dancing, dinner, drinks... they didn't ask me for my clinical opinion b/c to them, I was their sorority sister, not a pshrink. They have all moved away and for a while I really missed that connection, mainly (I think) because I missed that version of "me".

The best advice I can give you is to clearly let people know that you are "off the clock". For me, I have told potential friends flat-out "be careful what you ask for" b/c I'm pretty good at "turning it off"- although I can spot a delayed child a mile away- but if you ask for my "clinical opinion"... you're going to get it, unfiltered! Most people don't realize that being a psychologist is NOT the same as writing an advice column! People ask me all the time whether or not I'm "analyzing" them... I usually launch into why the term "psychoanalysis" has nothing to do with my training or say "yes, do me a favor and draw a house-tree-and person. You'd be amazed by what that will tell me" and turn it into a party trick.

Things I've said to get the message across:
"I'm off the clock, but would be happy to charge you an hourly"
"I only work with people under 5' tall" (in your case, and behind bars?)
"I'm in mom mode right now, but would be happy to give you the name of someone in the community if you would like"- this one stops it pretty fast!

o.

You need a degree of separation between your professional life and personal life.
Leave your work at the office. You say you do, but if people think you are analyzing all the time, maybe your work is leaking over more than you think.
When you socialize, don't tell people what you do or be very vague about it.
Find a hobby where the focus of conversation is the hobby not what people do the rest of the time.
It's great to be a good listener, but when a conversation begins turning into a hearing about too much of someones problems it's time to put brakes on it - "Too much information!" then chat about something neutral - weather/traffic/sports/etc.
If anyone persists in asking for advice, deflect it - tell you have no idea what they should do and tell them they should see someone (else) about that.

No one is allowed to call us after 9 unless someone is dying and calling out for us. Seriously, we need down time and to relax. And only my MIL gets away with calling on our vacation as it is family time. I would distance myself from these and wait for someone worthy. You have a lot to offer and I would love to have an intelligent conversation not about problems.

Are you in private practice? I'm curious for purely selfish reasons. Here I am using you... (tongue in cheek)

I just wonder because I fear private practice may be lonely. I'm hoping to re-form a peer supervision (review) and maintain contact with the SD professional organization to widen the social circle.

I do hear you regarding people believe that you're above or contantly analyzing. I also tend to present as aloof because I don't want what you've described in your post. I'm closest to peers (known them for three years) and, I know, they to me. We can be silly, analytical, we speak the same language, and free to be human.

I've made some, what I'll call, mama friends (known them for four years). When I took time off I met a few women who are reliable, fun, different from me, but good, solid women. There is a bond of motherhood, and we see one another on a regular basis, but it is not what I would call deep or kindred spirits. I do connect with these women, but ...

Nothing replaces lifelong friends. I get to see a few of mine this Wednesday and when I see them it is like coming home. We all love one another so, but we've have 25 years. Precious, familial, just true.

No words of wisdom, could just be timing, just I hope for good girl friends in your future!

Could you explain to me why you chose Maple Valley when more sophisticated cities exist in King County? Yes it is hard to make friends in Washington State. We lived there one year. I had a few friends and we went to the Quaker Meeting in the U district as often as possible.
It's where you live that is the problem. For a few years I worked in Bellingham from time to time and made great friends there.
And, yes even some of my friends visit me with their problems but most do not. I won't put up with it.

It's hard to make good friendships. It's not something you should have to work at. When the right ones come into your life you will know. There are a lot of weeds to go through before you get to the flowers sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with friendships - doesn't really sound like those are friends anyway. I don't have any advice except to say that maybe you'll have to keep your profession a secret for the first little while when you meet someone. But I can relate. I am not from here either and I have had a difficult time meeting people, too. I really miss my old friends who know me for who I am. I moved here when I was six months pregnant and so everyone knows me as so-and-so's mom and in fact no one even asked what I did for a living before I came here for the first two years I knew them! I do have a handful of friends here, but yes, I totally miss my friends from home. What's that old saying? "Make new friends, but keep the old - one is silver and the other is gold." So true, right? I just hope your friends come to visit or that you get home now and again to visit them! I try to get home once a year, but it's almost impossible to see everyone and especially so now that we all have kids. Still, it's nice to keep up on email, facebook, etc. I'm hoping to get a group together and meet somewhere for a girls' weekend with my old friends. That would be fun! I just spent a weekend in LA with a girlfriend I've had since I was 5 years old - what a blast! We could totally forget our real lives for a moment and hang out without distractions. Anyway, I suggest a weekend away with some old friends - it'll do a lot to renew your energy for getting out there and meeting some new people, people who won't take advantage.

That really sucks, I would probably just start telling new people I meet that I work at a small corporation doing consultant work. That way they aren't apt to use you or flake out on you. When you feel like you've made a good friend then tell them the truth and tell them why you lied about it.

Maybe it's just me but at least then you know who your true friends are.