Getting over a Marriage

It's hard. I was in a similar position once.

He's a jerk. He left you high and dry and was seeing someone else. He betrayed your trust.

I know. It still hurts.

Take one day at a time, and know (keep telling yourself) you deserve better. In the end, you will be happy - just one day at a time.

Don't rehash the past or think what did I do wrong. You didn't, and it won't help anyhow.

Men who leave look for reasons to justify it. Don't try to analyze or make sense. It doesn't make sense.

There are a lot of reasons people get divorced but these reasons do not assign fault. Your husband is cheating, that is a reason but you can't say that it is his fault you are divorcing. You can say you didn't fill some need therefor he cheated but that doesn't make it your fault either. I feel like I am doing a poor job explaining this but in the end you were a poor match. You made a mistake. That is all, not your fault, not his fault, no I could do something different, no I did something wrong. You picked the wrong guy. You have two wonderful kids so well worth the mistake.

It seems like when we get hung up on assigning blame or taking on blame you stop thinking straight. You need to think clearly, okay?

It sounds like you are both very young. And clearly he wasn't really ready or interested in being a husband and father.
Now is the time to turn to your family and friends for support. If they live far away maybe take a trip home. My girlfriends, sister and cousin were INVALUABLE during my divorce, even just over the phone and online, they were my rock.
But it concerns me that you are not angrier. The fact that you love and miss a man who not only walked out on you and his very young children, and is already seeing another woman, but who also literally took all of your money? How could you care for a man who at the very least doesn't even care if his wife and children have money for food??? I'm haing a very hard time wrapping my head around this :-(

Do not blame yourself, asking him to help with HIS children was in no way wrong of you. The fact is it takes two to make a marriage work and clearly he was not trying any longer. I know it hurts, and if you can find it I would suggest maybe seeking some counseling to help you heal and move forward focused on you and the children and to help you let go. When we mourn the end of a relationship we thought was forever it is much like mourning a death, you are grieving for all the "might have beens" and that is normal. Don't beat yourself up for mourning, allow yourself to do so and then you can move out of it stronger on the other side. Lean of your friends and family for support if you can. Blessed Be.

You're in love with the idea of being in love.
You're soon to be ex is not worthy of you.
If a man is not on his knees begging for the honor to be with you - he can go take a flying leap.
No calling or begging him.
You are in the bargaining stage of grief over the end of your relationship.
This will pass eventually.
In fact - if he ever comes around looking to reconcile - slam the door in his face.
You can do better - but you are going to have to work on you for awhile until you heal emotionally.
You're going to have to learn to be a secure independent woman and mother.
No boyfriends for quite awhile.
It won't be easy and it'll take time but you and your kids will be better off for it.
Talk to a womens shelter - they've heard it all before and worse - but they can help you get through this.

I'm curious what you would tell your best friend if she was going through this. Probably that she deserves better than a lazy cheater whose wedding vows don't mean much to him. Probably that she deserves better than a man that says he fell out of love with his wife and has so little respect for his family that he takes all the money out of their joint bank account.

Seriously he doesn't deserve you and you sure don't deserve him. Be glad to be rid of him. Stay strong...hugs...you will get through this!!!

Edit...I like mamazita's comment too...be angry not sad. Anger at this point in time will serve you much better than sadness and will keep you from acting in a "pathetic" manner.

M., don't apologize for asking a question! You need support and that's the purpose of this forum.

Don't beg and grovel. Even if he came back, the problems would be there. And no, this is NOT 100% your fault at all. It does not matter if he says that. No amount of begging or pleading or promising to "do better" will make a difference. If he cared about the mother of his children, he would have talked to you, he would have suggested counseling, he would have taken out the trash. He works 60 hours - big deal. So do you. And then some.

You're struggling with an infant and a toddler - every mom understands that, and good dads do too. You were abandoned and betrayed by your husband even when he was with you - he didn't support you in raising the kids, he told you he was too tired for anything, he walked out on you, he cheated with his old girlfriend, he took all the money, and now he is manipulating you emotionally and financially. You did not cause this because you had the baby blues, had trouble putting together a schedule for 2 demanding kids, not taking out the trash yourself or not being a better cook/housekeeper or anything else. Whatever you might have done that wasn't perfect (and who among us is perfect???), he walked out without a word. And he took the money. That speaks volumes about how vindictive and childish he is.

Try not to over-analyze this all by yourself. Questions like "did he ever love me?" or "Is there something I can say that will make him want to try?" are eating you up right now, and making you do things that are not in your best interest right now. Whether this marriage can be saved is a question for a therapist, and for the future, but not for today. You need expert support right now in 2 areas: personal counseling, and legal advice. You must protect yourself and your children immediately, and that means financial matters, further protection, and some help with emotional strength. So you have to reach out to others. Call your doctor or a clergy member or your town's office for families (if there is one) and find a counselor who takes your medical insurance or who will give you a low-cost or sliding scale fee. Reach out to friends, neighbors or play group contacts to get some babysitting so you can get to appointments.

I really don't think you should have any more conversations with your husband. The more you beg, the more he knows he's "getting to you", and the more it emboldens him to continue to mistreat you. Right now you are just feeding his ego, and you're not getting any help at all - and you are unlikely to if you continue to pursue this.

I'm going to suggest something that you're going to have a hard time accepting. It's this: Your husband is abusing you. He's not hitting you, but he is abusing you mentally, emotionally, and financially. Please call the National Domestic Violence at 1-800-799-7233 or go on line http://www.thehotline.org. They have trained counselors who will step you through this and refer you to organizations right in your area who advocate for women just like you. It does not matter at all that he hasn't physically hurt you - it doesn't. They will understand your confusion, your sense of powerlessness, your ambivalence about wanting to save this marriage. They will help you focus on "first things first" - what you need to do to protect your children. They will help you find the strength to be strong - and even if it's only for an hour vs. 24, they understand!!! Your husband does not care to protect your children - you are the only one. So do it for them if you can't do it for yourself. It's not that you are saying he can never be a good dad or be in their lives - but he's not doing that now, he's taken away the financial support as a power play over you, and that is cruel and unacceptable. You only need to be strong for 10 minutes to make the call. You've already reached out on line to Mamapedia - you have the strength to do this next step.

You're grieving. You have a new loss added on top of hundreds or more of daily losses. There is no easy way through it. Going through the pain is necessary. I urge you to get grief counseling for support through this.

I've had relationships that ended painfully. As you're doing, I called. I pleaded, I made a fool of myself. Eventually, I realized I have control of myself. I could stop with the calls. I can be proud of myself for not making calls. This realization helped me feel stronger. It reminded me that I deserve to be treated better. "I am Woman! I'm Strong!" Those words have become my anthem when life is difficult. Those words/beliefs and antidepressants. Antidepressant medication helped get me past the intense grief. Where you're at, the grief is unbearable. I urge you to get professional help.

I am woman! I am strong! Is not how you feel. It will take a long time to feel that way. Saying them is a tool to help you eventually feel strong. Singing them. Yelling them. Whispering them. Writing them. fills your mind with positive energy.

What went wrong is that he wasn't/isn't comitted to you or your relationship. He seriously mistreated and still mistreats you. He is abusive. He is who he is. There has never been anything you could do to make your relationship work.

My close girlfriend met her ex husband when she and I were late teens. We grew up together, shared so much together and he was like the big brother I never had.

After 10 years of 'waiting' for him to 'get it together' they married.
She had all these goals for them after they married which included having children and establishing financial security. He didn't have the same goals. He wanted to keep partying, keep her working, gamble and have her take care of him.

So after 20 years, 2 bankruptcies,3 arrests, 3 failed jobs, after gambling away her savings and no children because he wouldn't give her any she left him.

Hon, it took her 20 years and her entire reproductive years to figure out he was not worthy of her.

Before she signed off on her divorce papers she called me up hysterical, questioning if she should do this, and wondering if she should take him back.

I told her to remember this feeling and write all these thoughts down. I told her to feel it and not hide anything. I told her that this is the worst she will ever feel about this. Each day she will feel less and less like this so that she will get through 5 min, 10 min, 30 min, etc. of not feeling like this. Then it will become days, weeks and even months that she won't feel this way. Eventually she may feel like this occasionally, but it is a process that has to happen and to just let it.

One year after she felt she could breath and she felt relief, the second year she was happy and saved money, the third she is a completely different person, so happy, financially dependent and a homeowner. She is in such a great place.

She cannot imagine being that person she was married to her ex-husband. She sees how depressed, trapped and hopeless she felt to stay in the marriage. She couldn't see while in it, but does now that she grieved and let go of what she thought she wanted.

Give this opportunity to yourself.

When one door closes another one always opens.

I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry that this person fell so short of the mark, and will now miss out on having a family, and being able to show his children what a real father is, what a daddy is.

You've suffered a loss. Yes, the person you lost has not passed away, but it's a loss nevertheless. And regardless of whether the loss is a parent's death, a child's death, a spouse's betrayal and/or desertion, losing one's entire possessions through a fire or theft, a dearest friend moving far away, it's nearly impossible at first to think of being strong for 24 hours.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't look 24 hours down the road. Just look at the next step, the next 15 minutes. Your baby needs feeding. Your toddler needs a drink of water. You need a shower and something to eat. Just focus on doing one thing. In time, you'll be able to think 24 hours out. Then a couple of days, then a week.

It's not bad, it's not abnormal, it's not weakness. Grief and loss often make people unable to plan that far ahead. That's why, when someone in the family has died, a best friend will come over, and they'll say "hey, you need to sit down and eat something", and they set out some food. They don't ask "how are you going to get through until next Thursday?". Take care of the immediate.

Reach out to a friend. Don't apologize for yourself. After awhile, maybe you can do some self-evaluation and understand why this guy appealed to you. But now, right now, take care of your children and yourself. Don't make any huge decisions.

Glad you're back to hatred. That's healthier than feeling that something's wrong with you. But don't stay in hatred too long, because that will only hurt you. Just move on. Eventually you'll find someone better. He doesn't sound that great anyway.

Here's what went wrong -- parenting and marriage is hard, it's routine, and often it's not a lot of fun. Your husband is a selfish, immature jerk who has moved on. Don't bother to call him when you feel sad again. One day you won't care at all, and I know, because it happened to me when my oldest was a baby.

Be strong, be better than he is, and think of this wise saying, "Living well is the best revenge." It's what I've always used, and it's true.

He is telling you what he wants...and it isn't you and your children...believe him. No one is 100% at fault or 100% innocent in any relationship. It's fine to want to work on things...but both of you have to be willing to do so. He isn't. You cannot force him to want what he doesn't want. The best thing for you to do is focus on your children and getting yourself to the point that you can support them. You should not waste any more time on him...the well being of your children and yourself is much more important. Get an agreement in place that he pays child support...he still does owe your children.

My friend that went through something very similar tried things like this. She'd call her husband at his girl friends house and try to barter with him. She'd let him have all the girlfriends he wanted if he'd just come home, he could continue being married to her. If he wanted to go to his girlfriends house for the night or what ever he could just say he was going to go to a friends house and would be home on that next time he'd be home. So the kids wouldn't know he was doing the girlfriend.

She'd get a job for spending money and let him do what he wanted. Just please come home so they could try to work things out and be able to live together again.

What she really wanted was to continue living in their house, on their land, with her livestock and garden, and having to not do anything outside of the home. She was hoping he'd come back, screw her until she couldn't stand up and get him to remember what was good between them, then he'd come home and adore her again. Not going to happen.

He laughed at her and told her mean things.

Most were true, and I was her best friend. He was telling the truth about her being a slob, lazy, letting the kids do what ever they wanted from trashing the house to trashing the land and trashing her van. They were pigs. She would walk for weeks on trash.

He was completely right to move on. He got full custody of the kids and she had to pay child support and spousal support.

She eventually got one of the kids when they turned 12. The other one didn't want anything to do with her. So they took my friend to court and demanded she give up her parental rights. He said he'd give her this and that and she could have the other one that was 12 and wanting to go live with her to her without any resistance from him. He signed away his parental rights to that one. So she signed the papers. She changed so much over that last few years that I stopped being around her at all.

Here's my thought on your hubby. He sounds like a big baby that didn't know what real life was like. My husband worked 40+ hours a week and he had chores just like the kids did.

He does the dishes and takes out the trash, he also does all the outdoor stuff. That includes vehicle repairs. I don't care how he accomplished his chores, they just needed to be off my list of things to do. He could hire someone to come in and clean for him, teach the kids how to do them, do them himself, what ever, I just didn't want to do them. Period.

Your hubby sounds like he wants a maid. Not a wife.

Think like this, please, please, please think a positive thought about this. That's the way it is meant. Men "fall in love" with this amazing woman, pays him attention, spends time with him, listens to him, adores him. Then they get married, she's stuck with everything he doesn't want to do, she has kids and her body changes, she is cranky because she's tired, etc...she is NOT the woman he married anymore. So he goes out to find another adoring fan. Some day he'll grow up and figure out what's important. But today? He's not who you need or want. He's a child wanting someone to take care of him and letting him have his fun.

Don't fall for that, okay? He doesn't sound like a nice guy.

I am so sorry you and your kids are hurting. Believe him when he says he is not in love with you anymore. He is being honest. If he wanted to try again, he would. He doesn't. I'm sorry to put it like that but I don't want you to keep begging someone to love you. You shouldn't have to beg for love.

Get your financials in order. Steel your heart. He helped make those babies so fight for what your children are entitled to. Tell him he can have his girlfriend and you will take the kids. Sounds to me you are getting the better end of this deal!

Of course it hurts! But again, he is telling you how he feels. No begging. You are worth so much more!! Be strong.