How Do They Do It? - Littleton,CO

The people that have the "perfect" kids don't do anything differently. It is genetic, ya know, personality. No matter who raises my kids they will never be 100% good, they are just not knee huggers. The knee huggers would probably cower in the corner if I were their mom.

Another thing, you don't see other people's kids all the time. I have had plenty of compliments about how well behaved my kids are. They are not. There are plenty of times I would have loved to have a band of gypsies going door to door looking for kids to buy.

Everyone that meets my kids says they are so polite and well behaved. Well I kind of wish they could see them at home and when we are meeting new people. They know the places they need to behave, doctor's offices, grocery stores - and usually it isn't a problem then. Yesterday when we went to see a daycare my eldest hit behind me and everytime the director asked her a question all she would say was she wanted a snack. My social butterfly stepped into her cocoon. I definitely think they have their moments and after being around some kids I understand why people think they are well behaved but I generally ignore those comments of parents that say that their children are perfect angels all the time. Kids are just not built that way.

Here's another perspective..... My husband and I like to eat out. When my son was born, we figured we could handle one kid in a restaurant and continued to eat out, so my son was used to it. However, as he got older and more and more people would randomly come to us and commend us for our very well-behaved (read here: quiet) child, it became sad to us. He's quiet because he's Autistic. He just hit the tantrum stage usually associated with two-year-olds a little later. I have learned to read the signs of an impending tantrum and get him to a controlled environment before it hits.

Point being, you don't know what these children are like when you're not around or why they behave as they do when you are around. Be thankful for your kids and understand that all behavior, good and bad, is part of typical development.

Best wishes.

I will never forget being in a discussion type setting with an older mom friend of mine who is the mother of many kiddos. She mentioned how when the kids were all younger she felt like her kids were the wild bunch and often compared her family to another very large family at church. This other family came to church all very well groomed, sat perfectly still and quiet and were always promptly 15 minutes early. My friend said that later in life she found out that these kids all have moved far away from the parents and rarely come home to visit. The kids opened up later in life about their parents,especially the father, being abusive and beating the daylights out of them if they ever crossed him or got out of line.

I am not saying that the "obedient" kids you see are having the snot beat out of them but just giving you another perspective from a like minded mom who compared her kids to someone else. You just never know what goes on in another's home. The angel kids you see may save all their wild antics for when they are at home...or you are just seeing them on their best day. We all have good days and bad days even as moms.

You mention in your post that you feel out of control. If that is the case, then you need to reign in a little bit on the few rules you are going to be firm about. Personally we don't allow climbing on furniture and especially no screaming at me whether on the phone or not. Those are things you can take a stand on. You can practice adult greetings at home as a fun family activity...do some role playing. Get your hubby and make it fun...dress up and do role reversal so the kids see you acting as the child. Put them in a dress shirt and tie etc....then have a sweet treat after and talk about how happy it makes people feel to be addressed respectfully and kindly.

Make up a chart with behaviors you want to see change in your home and they can earn rewards after earning a set amount of stickers.. Saying hello to a neighbor...you get a sticker on the chart. Sit on the couch properly...you earn a sticker. Reinforce with positive rewards and behaviors will change over time.

Something we have been doing is finding ways for our kids/family to serve others. We take cookies to a family, adopt families at Christmas time, go work in a neighbors yard etc. Times like these have really helped foster good feelings within our family and teach them to look beyond their own noses and also makes others happy.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Kids are impulsive, self centered and needy for the most part. It is our job as parents to help them while growing up to move away from those childish qualities and hone in on their sweet, trusting, loving, funny, and honest qualities.

Take one day at a time...we are all in the same boat...some days are better than others.

I have relatives, friends, and strangers come up to me all the time to tell me how well behaved and polite my children are. And, for the most part I have to agree. Except when they don't listen to me. And think they can debate what I've told them to do. And bicker with each other over stupid little things. And tattle on each other over even stupider things. And think they know more than I do. And........ you get the point. : )

IF my children had ever done what your 5 yo did, (they've never been shy!) I simply would have said to the new neighbors, "I'm sorry my child is acting shy right now. Usually he/she is not like this." Then, to my child, "I need you to go in the house right now, because you are distracting me and not being polite." And my child would go in, because he/she would know that otherwise I would walk them in, and that would cause them to lose a consequence.

I'm sure your new neighbors understood - especially if they have children themselves. And I'm sure you are a great mom and your children are always much better behaved to the outsider than they seem to you.

Have a great weekend!

EASY! You don't live with them. So you don't see all the various lapses in behavior. Everyone's kids misbehave. They just do it in different ways at different times.

AND we all have DIFFERENT definitions of "behaving".

For example; you may have a friend who says their child never misbehaved when meeting people BUT had you been sitting on their shoulder when their kid was meeting new people you might see their child doing the exact same thing. Because she may just call that "shy", or "nervous", or "slow to warm up".

AND kids go through phases at different times. Your kid might just be the "first" one to be shy, or to be rough and tumble. Or their kids may have gone through that earlier. Or, or, or, or.

We all have different challenges and definitions. And none of us live together.

Trust me, those kids are not always well behaved!!! Give yourself a break mama, you are doing just fine! And remember we are our own worst judges.

Your kids sound normal to me. They are testing the boundaries, seeing what they can get away with. When they misbehave you admonish them, when discipline is necessary you discipline. This teaches kids the rules and boundaries, proper behavior, manners, how to interact with other people, and that you love them.

As for your 5 yr old hiding behind you and not wanting to say hi, I think that is normal too. Your kiddo is learning how to interact with people outside of the family. If a kiddo doesn't want to talk to a new person or a stranger, there is nothing wrong with that as long as they are not outright rude.

I think you are doing great. You love your kids, don't want to change who they are (which to me translates to allowing them to mature and develop their own personalities), and you want to be the best parent you can be. Nothing else could be asked of you.

Keep up the good work!

I have been in a playgroup for about four years. Most of the moms in the group use Love and Logic and their children are very well behaved. The times I have used Love and Logic principles with my child they have always worked very, very well. I was not consistent with it like I should have been and I can see a real difference in my daughter's behavior. I went to a refresher course and want to start using it again. It is a great discipline program to use. It teaches children that there are consequences for the behavior and every decision they make in life has a consequence. Good choices=good consequences and bad choices =bad consequences. I highly recommend it!

NO kid, is good all the time.
Nor do we even know, how the kids/parents are behind closed doors and in private.
There is the "public face" and "private face" of all people/kids/families.

NO kid, is consistent, either. Nor every parent.
There are good days and bad days and crazy days, and mellow days for EVERY kid and parent.

We, cannot fathom nor predict nor conclude, that our window of seeing another kid at a moment in time, is the way that kid is all the time. Nor of the parents either.

What we see outside, of other kids and parents, is ONLY a moment in time... not a conclusion, of how it is, finitely. Nor conclusively.
Every parent/kid, has a bad day and sometimes this is displayed in public... beyond our or the kids control.

ALL kids, scream/tantrum. ALL parents have bad days too when no one is listening to them.
ALL kids, are physically active and climb/run/don't listen sometimes or often times.

So, we do not know, conclusively, how the other kids are nor their parents. Unless, we are with them, consistently and know them. In the homes and personally.
And, we cannot judge, the other kids/parents.
We as parents, all try our best. That is what we do. Some days are easy. Some are harder. Some days are impossible. Some days are just nuts. Some days are peaceful.

All families/kids are different and per cultural and ethnic ethos.

All of us, try to be the 'best' parent. That we know how.... per our own instincts/attitudes/and our frame of reference per how we each grew up, individually... and despite all the back-stories, to our lives and how that affects us, as parents.

We all try our 'best.'
If that is good enough... is personal and individual.
How our kids are... is dependent on how we feel as a parent and if our kids are happy or not. And how we handle that. In order to give our kids a happy life. Despite.
We all try our best.
Each person/parent/child, is different.
We are NOT all homogeneous.
That is the... difference.
In parenting, in kids.

We practice situations before they happen...like I pretend to be a new neighbor or one of my friends, etc...and have the kids practice how to respond to things like, "what a pretty dress/bow/babydoll you have" or how to greet with a "I am fine, thank you. How are you today?" Then when it doesn't happen that day with an actual friend or neighbor I just say, "we are working on our manners, please excuse (my little one's name)...then we talk it over later at home.

We talk before we get out of the car about the rules for in the grocery store or mall. And my children know that if they misbehave we will go straight home. I even took them once without actually needing to go, so they could see I meant business about leaving...we left.

Just prepare them before hand and follow through with consequences.

We do this over and over everyday...they are still a work in progress...sending you a hug!!

It sounds like your kids are being kids. In my experience children who are well behaved all of the time are not free to be themselves and grow up to resent their parents, hide things from them when they think their parents will not approve and in general are not secure in who they are because they always had to be perfect. It is also possible that you just happen to see the times when they are being good and they are terrors at home.

Kids are all human, and we all have "days". Hang in there! Consistency is key. I hear good things from Love and Logic, but have never tried it, but I think we kind of do the same thing. i.e. Since you mentioned furniture... we have nicer furniture in the family room than I would prefer, but it make it nice when we have company. No food is allowed in the living room except the occasional "picnic" in the living room in the winter or for movie night. If a kid is climbing or jumping on the couch, they may not use the furniture for 10-15 minutes depending on the frequency it's been happening. Yes, there is some complaining, but not always. If a ball is thrown in the house it is mine for a week., etc. If they aren't responsible in some way, they loose the privilege of the opportunity for a period of time. And remember, the other mom probably reminded her kids what she expected before they left the house, too, they are just having one of those days where everyone is doing it. :)

Personality matters, too. I can go anywhere and do anything with my oldest and my youngest, together or alone, and never have a minutes problem. Their brother, on the other hand, can instigate anything with anyone, so throwing him into the mix either alone or with one or both of the others can lead to disaster really fast. I've learned to see it coming and can avoid it for the most part, but still, when it gets bad, it's horrid. (Think of the screaming 4-5yo that you wonder what's wrong with the mom -- that's me when he's in a mood.) Have fun! The best thing I have ever heard from another mom was from my best friend's mom. I asked her what advice she had, and she said the only reason I was under the impression I was, is that I wasn't family. She would spend all day cleaning before company came over, and then the kids were just too shy (personality again) to fight and argue in front of someone else. The kids have all agreed with that statement. They are as close to the perfect family as you can imagine, so everyone goes through it. GL!

I have a 3y/o, 6 y/o and a 4 month old baby, and I totally know what you mean! For some of it, kids are kids, but I do think there are things we can do to help them. Sounds crazy, but I think the biggest thing to help my kids behavior is to make sure they are well rested and well fed. If they are hungry, stayed up too late last night, or had a sugary snack (we do like sure in moderation!) that's when my kids start doing the stuff you described. The other thing is those teachable moments. . . . talk to your kids about a situation that happened or is about to happen in a calm conversation tone (when they aren't getting in trouble for what just happened, lol). Sometimes I just don't have TIME for this and I can tell those times. For example, we're going to meet the neighbors "There's our new neighbors, what could we go say to them?". Or, when they were rude and didn't say "Hi", likely cuz I didnt' prepare them or whatever, than later we talk about meeting them, and how it's nice to talk to them and make them feel welcome, etc. and explain what 'rude' is. I get frustrated that it takes them about 35 times for each situation to remember it on their own, but they get it eventually. And they always have relapses, lol! My husband is a youth pastor and I'm a musician, so many times my kids are "on their own" sitting in church when we are both busy with the service. I can TOTALLY tell the days I prepared them (sometimes I start the preparation on Saturday morning) and the days we just rushed in. When we have time to talk about what is expected of them, they often want to rise to the occasion rather than have a free-for-all! Good luck!

My kids are very well behaved - but even they have displayed the behavior you are describing. They are humans! And they don't quite know how to say, "nice to meet you, but I really don't feel like company right now!" Your 5 year old was just feeling a bit shy and doesn't know how to handle that emotion. It does NOT mean he was behaving poorly.

You are doing a GREAT job. Do not let something like this get you down. If your 5 year old goes up to the neighbor and kicks them next time, then we can talk!

=)

My boys are almost the exact same age, 2 1/2 and 5 this Monday :) They are really well behaved, we're always suprised at how good they are in comparison to other children we see at restaurants, amusement parks, etc. But, they also have their days and I guess I'm thankful that 95% of the time they're good and so what if they have a bad day, don't you have yours? I know I do! Parents of other children understand and the behavior you're describing could describe my kids to a T!!!

Your kids sound perfectly normal to me. Don't worry about it. And be glad that you are raising kids and not vegetables.