I ended a six month relationship with a nice guy over three months ago. I ended it because I had been honest from the start that I was not equipped mentally or schedule-wise for a serious relationship after my traumatic divorce. I'm a single mom of three, I have very little down time, and I need some of it to myself. I made it clear from the start I needed the relationship to be casual. We would get together a couple times per month for dates. He was never involved with my kids in any way. He fell in love and declared his feelings early on. Despite my reminders that I did not feel the same way and did not want a commitment, he continued to intensify the situation, tried to make plans for every single one of my weekend nights so I always had to make excuses, and he constantly emphasized how much he really loved me. So I ended it (upon advice from this forum actually, thanks ladies!) with kind but clear words that he was great, but I was not equipped and I was too stressed out to keep seeing him. I had said before several times and reiterated that I wanted to see other people and stay "free" for a while after a long and difficult marriage. (Although I hadn't been seeing anyone else because there was no time to!!!) I agreed we could be "friends" thinking we should not be hostile if we came across each other since we met through mutual friends and we could exchange the occasional email.
Once we "broke up" his emails became much more long and detailed than when we were together, and were always crammed with affection and invites to do stuff together. For every 5 or 6 of his long emails, and with less and less frequency, I would send a brief platonic email answering none of the questions and never accepting the invitations. I figured he would eventually FADE OUT. He sent texts and left phone messages which I ignored after telling him I did not want to be in touch by phone. Both his emails and phone messages addressed me as "Sweetie" and stuff even though I had ended our relationship. He would also never act annoyed or acknowledge that I wasn't responding to him often or affectionately, he would simply act like everything was fine on his end all like, "Oh sweetie I hope I can see you soon." ?
About a month ago I met a nice guy through other friends who I'm seeing casually and rarely who is fun and there is no blurring of lines.
About a week ago, the first guy emailed me a long letter (after I had never answered his last several emails) with an invitation to go out to dinner and a movie together "as friends" and to provide a babysitter on a specific night…I wrote back that it was too date-like and no thanks. Just that sentence.
SUMMARY: I said NO to the the dinner date. I have not physically seen him since May. I BROKE UP WITH HIM. I never said I would get together with him again, and never accepted any of the other invites. I have been HOPING I could avoid telling him "Please do not contact me anymore, I'm sorry I said we could be friends but we can't because you are still too intense" because I was HOPING I did not need to…I was HOPING he'd be normal and taper off….I know his feelings will be very hurt if I suddenly shut him down after trying to be polite when all he's been is "nice". If I had known from the beginning he would contact me this much, I would have completely ceased all contact at break up. But I did not know, and now I feel like I somehow led him to act this way :(.
Last night he sent a looooooong email again and invited the kids and I to do something different with him and his teenage daughter. A big weekend family activity??!!
SIGH!! I still maintain that he's got to fade out SOMETIME, right? He can't possibly keep this up forever can he? Or do I really have to tell him to stop?
How would you handle this? Would you mention other guy? (none of his business since we ARE NOT TOGETHER) or would you simply say, "Look. I never want to see you ever again. Stop asking."
How would you handle? I'm looking for tactful things to say. Or should I just totally ignore him now and not respond at all anymore? He's a nice, hard-working teacher, a good dad, handsome, a real catch in this area, I've told him to get out there and direct his energy elsewhere because I am not available to him anymore…I don't want to be mean. Help. I sent a message to the friends who introduced us, letting them know we had parted ways but singing his praises and telling them I really hoped he met someone great now so they should keep their eyes peeled for bachelorettes....
How have you ladies navigated this type of thing?
@ Momof3 G , I appreciate your angle on the topic. And all the nice qualities about him that you list are why I was interested in seeing him to begin with and getting to know him. I'm not completely opposed to meeting someone and getting married again one day. But over time I realized we don't have much in common at all, and I'm not happy when I'm with him in addition to the time crunch since my kids come first and I have very little time for dates. I told him so, and I specified the major lifestyle and belief differences between us when we broke up.
Like you, my mom keeps reminding that "no one will want a divorced mother of three" but to that I say, "That's OK. I don't need a husband. I have a full and happy life and lots of wonderful male friends and relatives. If it's the will of the universe for me to be single forever and ever then I'm OK with that. But if I'm going to commit to someone again, they need to be the right person for me. Not just "willing to take on a mother of three".
To be honest, his immediate possessive interest of me was probably for superficial reasons, since he didn't know me well at all when he made the decision that we should "be together forever." All he knew was that I'm nice, I'm polite, I'm reasonably attractive in a part of the country where most women my age are married and/or not into fitness and health stuff, so I do seem younger than I am. And I'm not needy. A woman my age in my situation: Not desperately seeking a husband- where I live is pretty rare, and I've had several friends wanting to introduce me to their divorced male friends. Oddly, I've had no shortage of attention (neither would you :) and the guy I'm seeing now also has no problem with kids. This is rural central PA! ALL the women have kids!! A man would be pretty darn lonely out here if he would only date women over 25 who didn't have kids. SO anyway, I get what you're saying, but he's just not a good match for me. I think I would be in a less healthy place emotionally if I felt I really needed to nail down a husband right away.
"This just isn't working for me. I think it's best that we not see or stay in touch with each other. I hope you find someone."
And then stop responding at all.
Anyone who would go after you like this has got to be nuts. Have you considered a restraining order?
You need to be strong and clear, and don't worry about being polite. Just say it. "I thought we could still be friends, but this isn't working. We need to go our separate ways. It's over. Stop contacting me."
And do not respond, at all, to anything else he ever sends you once you send the 'stop all contact' message. However, keep a record of your message where you tell him to stop contacting you, and keep anything he sends after that. Because if he turns into a real stalker (and he sounds well on the way), then you may need this documentation to file a restraining order in the future.
(and no, do not expect him to fade because he clearly doesn't take a hint. And don't mention the other guy because that is irrelevant (if you do, he'll think, I just have to wait for them to break up and then I'll have another chance). At this point it's clear, you are going to have to be very explicit that you don't want to see him again.)
I would be very brief and to the point.
Bob, we are not dating and I am not interested in further contact. I do hope you meet someone who will make you happy but that person is not me.
I would block his email and I would not respond to any more texts. I would also not mention the other guy. Not his business.
Respond one last time nicely...but keep it short and to the point. "Bob, you are a nice guy and I enjoyed our time together. Please respect my space and my wishes. Please do not contact me anymore."
Leave your email or text at that..and only that. I have a feeling you are a little wordy and too worried about hurting his feelings. You have to be short and direct. Then if he responds back to you, you know he is disrespectful and a little on the crazy side. Do not contact him at all after your one message to him. Just let the messages come in from him and resist the urge to respond. He needs to see you are done and it is just a one sided relationship. He will get tired of chasing with no reward..he should fade out. If he doesn't then you take it to the next level and contact the police.
Good luck and best wishes!
I think silence will encourage him to contact you.
I agree with Fuzzy and Mynewnickname.....be brief and to the point. And make sure you write/say 'do not contact me'.
Should his behavior continue (I hope not), the first thing the authorities will ask is if you told him to not contact you directly.
Make sure you copy yourself too.
Creepy
unfortunately you set yourself up for this by 'making excuses' not to see him every weekend night instead of being completely upfront and firm right out of the gate.
for most guys your lack of response would have been plenty. for this fellow, apparently not. ignoring hasn't worked, making 'excuses' hasn't worked, so how about trying honesty? honesty is not mean unless you make it mean. no need to use the new fellow as yet another excuse. it's not about seeing someone else, right? it's simply that you're not interested in this guy. so say so.
'raimondo, i don't seem to be making myself sufficiently clear. you're a wonderful guy but it's not going to work out between us. i wish you well, but please don't contact me any more. it's becoming uncomfortable.'
ETA i know some folks feel like momof3G does, that a woman with children is 'lucky' to have 'anyone' pay attention to her, but clingy needy men who can't read social clues and foist themselves where they're not wanted are no prize. even a divorcee with kids really really really doesn't need to leap into the arms of a potential psycho lest she <gasp> be lonely for a while.
khairete
S.
I would email him and tell him that we broke up and although I thought we could remain friends and keep in touch via email, it clearly isn't working. I would tell him that him continuing to send me long emails and texts and ask me out is not appropriate so unfortunately I will have to end all communication and will not be responding any longer to any contact. And I would wish him the best and be done with it. Good luck.
I would quit being friendly because apparently he interprets that as encouragement.
For future reference, other men may misinterpret your friendly actions and words in the same way.
Explaining you are "not equipped mentally or schedule-wise" is not the same as saying "I'm not interested in you".
Saying he's "a nice, hard-working teacher, a good dad, handsome, a real catch in this area" is not the same as saying "You are not someone I want to be with now or ever."
Saying "You're great but this is getting too intense" is not the same as saying "I'm not attracted to you, and I wish you luck but it's time we both moved on."
Don't mention the other, new guy. Guy 1 sounds like he might go off on a tangent of "if I'm not good enough for you, why is HE?" or whatever.
You have your own answer right in your post, with some variation: "I realize that I said we could be friends when I broke up with you in May, but that was a mistake. I still find your contact and invitations too much and too intense, even as 'friends.' I don't want to take my children with me on family outings with you, since I know you and I are not going to be a couple. Please stop the invitations either to me individually or to us as a family. While I know you may be interpreting this as friendship, it is what I'd define as attempts to date, and since our definitions don't match -- please stop contacting me."
I guess others will say you need to scream at him (via e-mail) and tell him to cut it out, or yell that he's stalking you or whatever but I'd at least try the politer approach first. It sounds as if he's making a very ham-fisted attempt to get you back and you need to be very direct rather than expecting he will fade out. He can't take a hint, so stop hinting.
Don't be too soft and tell him things like, "Gee, I'm sorry it didn't work out" -- that gives him an opening to say "We can make it work!" Don't contact him again if he responds to you with either more intensity and invitations, or with anger. If anything other than "I get it now, sorry to bug you" is the response from him -- change your e-mail address and tell your mutual friends he is off the rails. Are these friends supportive of YOU or are they (even quietly) hoping you'll see the light and fall for Mr. Perfect?
Stop reading his messages and don't respond at all.
In this case your SILENCE should be golden.
This situation would creep me out and if my silent treatment didn't get silence in return after about 1 month I would have one of my male relatives or friends sit down and talk with him then I'm certain he would get it.
You just don't entertain or feed crazy. This is more than a little over the top. I would definitely be running and screaming from the building. I would go as far as getting a new email address. In my book done is done. He doesn't love you because he isn't willing to give you the space you said you needed.
Go silent and go ghost.
I see this a harrassment. You told him you didn't want to be involved with him. He is continueing to email and message you. You need to be firm and tell him "I'm not interested".
If he continues to message you BLOCK HIM. If he tries to see you by coming to your home or work he is stalking you.
I see red flags all over the place with this guy. On the outside he may seem like a great guy but he comes across as a desperate lonely man. One of the signs of an abusive partner is the fact he said I love you and started planning a future with you even though you told him you wanted to keep it casual.
This man sounds like trouble --- be truthful with him. If he reacts violently call the police and file a complaint if you need to get a restraining order.
It's time to be blunt and just tell him you no longer want to be friends. He sounds very co-dependent and you don't need that right now. Also, if you don't have strong feelings now then I doubt you ever will. Cut all ties to this man.
I think you need to be firm and direct that being friends is not working out for you and you are not interested in going anywhere with him in a friendly way or otherwise. And then put his email to filter to your junk folder so you don't see the letters.
Do not do anything out of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt (FOG). That is manipulation which is inappropriate under the circumstances.
It's time to be more blunt. I like Fuzzy's verbiage. The other guy has absolutely nothing to do with it and it really is none of the first guy's business whom you are seeing or what you are doing.
I'm feeling red flags with guy #1.
"Bob. You are a great person. You are a fantastic dad, a good teacher, handsome. All the things that a woman would want in a man. BUT NOT THIS WOMAN. I need to be direct with you. Please, please....stop contacting me. I think YOU think that I am going to change my mind. I'm not. I'm not interested in going out with you. Not interested in dating you. I know, it sounds like I am being rude! I promise, that was not my intention. But, I tried to let you down easy and you don't seem to be taking my hints. So now I have to be "mean," if you will. Good luck on your future endeavors."
Email it. Then block his email address, block his facebook, block his phone numbers.
Good luck,
L.
I liked what Fuzzy had to offer. Good luck!
When I was dating, I was straight up with the men in my life. (My husband and I met at work, and he started calling me in the mornings to wish me a good day. After the second or third call, I said, "What are you doing? Why are you calling me like this?") You seem to be afraid of setting real boundaries and expecting him to do the hard work for you. Are you really interested in nurturing a friendship with him? If not, then DO NOT suggest a friendship as a consolation prize. (I cannot stand when peopel do that.) Stop speaking and behaving cryptically and expecting him to read you loud and clear.
"Please stop asking me to go out with you."
Women have taught men that if they just change their methods, they can find an in. You have to take responsibility for your communication. Apparently, YOU have not been clear.
This is not about his behavior it is about yours. It is time to let go of the excuse, "I don't want to hurt his feelings." Let him be responsible for his own reaction.
It is time to take full responsibility for your well-being and stop making him responsible for figuring it all out. You need to understand, set, and keep good boundaries. You need to communicate openly, clearly, and directly.
You are still engaging by reading all the emails and you are still leaving room for him to HOPE that you will change your mind.
I would suggest that, if you haven't already, you find a good counselor. Whatever issues brought your ex-husband and then this man into your life are still there. You are thinking that it is just the men and eventually you can find the right man and everything will be okay. It doesn't work that way. We bring in a match for our own woundings and as long as we don't heal our issues we will continue to repeat the patterns.
Stop leaving this up to him. Stop wishing, waiting, and hoping for something outside of you to change. Take 100% responsibility for your own life and choose boundaries and open, clear, and direct communication. You will be amazed at how well most people will actually respond. Yes, some people will not like that you are not meeting their needs, however, it is not your job or responsibility. It is theirs. Let him have the responsibility for dealing with his own disappointment, obsessive behaviors, and moving on with his life.
You tried the nice thing now it is time to be blunt and honest. Some men do not get it if it is in flowers. Remind him that you broke up in May and have now moved on and not to send any more emails or texts. I would then block the texts and change my email or send his emails to spam and leave it at that.
You do not have to read every email that comes into your box.
Keep your distance and find out who you are before you start dating anyone. Seek counseling if necessary to help you get over your divorce issues. Your kids are your priority right now and not a new man.
Good luck to you and do keep us posted.
the other S.
You need to ignore him at this point.
A., I'm so sorry. You have a stalker on your hands.
Please don't answer any emails or texts or calls, anymore. None. You don't need this in your life. Don't delete any of these. In case he escalates to sitting in front of your house in his car, you will need these in order to get a restraining order. You also need to make sure that the school doesn't allow this man to take your kids anywhere.
