How to Make Him Listen

Hold his hand. At three, he doesn't have good enough judgement to keep himself safe in public - not get out of your sight, run into the street. touch a strange animal, etc. Hold his hand. If he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't get to be independent.

Save the "fun" ways for when you are at home. Get some books out of the library, and talk about pedestrian safety and stranger danger. Talk about where you are going when you have a trip planned and what your expectations are for him, as well as consequences. For instance, if you don't come when I call you at the playground, we will leave. Follow though. Listening when you are out and about should not be negotiable.

It won't take long, but your trips out will be a great deal more enjoyable if he respects the rules and learns to walk next to you. I hold my four year old's hand most of the time when we are out and expect to be doing that for another year or so. Only recently am I starting to trust her a little bit to respond to me at the playground or a store - that is, she now knows that she needs to see me. If she can't see me, I can't see her. And for the most part, I trust her to stop at curbs and not run into the street, although in new settings I still remind her.

It sounds like he just needs to learn to listen when you are out, wether it is fun or not. Of course letting him run around like that at the playground is okay, but in other situations, it can be dangerous if he doesn't listen to you and your safety percuasions. He is still only 3...maybe you should pull back out the stroller, and pop him in it if he doesn't listen. Explain the importance of why he needs to listen, and stress that it is dangerous, and if he can't be a big boy and listen, he really needs to be in the stroller so you can keep him safe. You can offer a warning, whatever you choose...but I wouldn't worry so much about it being fun, as it being neccessary. Good luck!
K.

The ideas below are great, D.. I want to reinforce what one person said: Make very clear to your son that if he chooses to behave certain ways, you WILL take him out of the store/mall/playground/anywhere. Give him perhaps a one-warning system -- "Dylan, this is your one warning. If you (whatever) again after this, we will leave." Then if the second time happens, leave. Immediately! That's the part that's hard for the adult but must be done: If you have to walk away from a grocery cart full of food, do it. If you have to put down your purchases right there on the floor of the aisle, do it. If it means carrying him out as he screams and kicks, and it might, do it. I've seen this be very effective with kids who had issues not touching/running away etc. in public places (like with the brave dad I saw who quickly and wordlessly scooped up his shrieking son in a toy store and calmly carried him straight to the car). But the key is that the departure must be immediate, the instant he does the thing he was warned about, or he will not connect the departure (and the loss of his pleasure at being out and about) with his own behavior. Stay calm and tell him in the car, "You made a choice to (do whatever). So you have to lose the fun of shopping. I'm sorry it happened but when you make this choice, this will happen EVERY time. Let's go home." Or, "You made a choice to ...and now we have to leave because of your choice. So we won't be having that pizza we were going to buy for dinner, because we had to leave the store." Calmly and firmly. Immediate and every time.

Playing is fun at the playground, at home, at preschool, etc. Walking on the street, behaving in the grocery store, shopping... is not play time. He needs to understand that if he does not behave properly (you need to define EXACTLY what that is in clear terms)... then X happens. I like the going home idea... but if you want to reinforce it quickly... sitting in a boring car with no stimulation work, as well, could allow reinforcement to occur more quickly.

Example:
Take two days in a row and plan to spend them at the mall... and in your car:-) Go to the mall. When he exhibits one sign of bad behavior, tell him that if does not behave you will go to the car. When he does it again, immediately leave... no matter what you are doing in the mall. Go sit in the car... no music, no portable DVD player, no snacks, no cookies, and no talking to him, etc... kind of like a time out. When he calms down, ask him if he wants to go back into mall. Be happy and positive and take him back into the mall. When he misbehaves (e.g. does not hold hand or stroller or whatever you want him to do), no warning, immediately go to the car and sit. Then repeat. Do this 2 or 3 days close to each other... and then implement whenever you go out... he will listen to you... otherwise, he never gets to leave the house. Clearly, he enjoys going out too much to let this happen.

I agree with the previous poster, hold his hand.

Also don't forget to bend down to his level and talk eye to eye to him, reminding that he could get lost, and that would make you both very sad. Remind him you want to keep him safe.

Tell him that you know he wants to explore, and that he may explore (mention what he's allowed to explore within your limits). But, that the rule of (the facility) is that we stay within these limits, and the workers will be upset if he breaks rules.

(BTW, I have 2 active boys... one is 3.5 and one is 5. I also have a baby girl. So I know active boys!!)

Depending on severity of how they are acting, I toss in a "we'll have to go back to the car if you continue running off, because I need to keep you safe" but you must be willing to do that.

D., your son is old enough to understand the idea of consequences, to a limited extent. What I used to do with my son was if he ran away and did not listen, I ran up to him and grabbed his hand and made him stay with me. We explored everything, but it was with me limiting his movements. If he said that he didn't want to hold my hand, I told him that it was needed because he didn't listen, but if he would listen, then I would let go. If he promised to listen, I would let go, but would grab it again if he didn't stay close. After a few times of this, he learned to stay close to me and hold back if I called him, but that he would get to explore and could do it independently if he listened to me. The consequences were immediate and a logical consequence of his actions, and were very concrete, something that a 3 year old could understand.

In terms of safety, we have started to play "red light green light" with my 3yo. It took him a bit when we first started to get the concept, but now if he is running away from me, I can say red light, and he will almost always stop.
If you find some magical way to keep your 3yo at your side in public- please let me know, it seems to me it can't be done! :)

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