How to Respond to Ex

Stop responding to emails--don't even read them! She is a fire and needs oxygen. You respond and you're giving her the oxygen.

Speaking from experience on almost a daily basis, don't respond. Its super hard. BUt gets easier over time. Save everything. Its just their way of making them selves feel like they are the better parent when in the back of their head they know they are doing wrong. My ex does this to me EVERYTIME we exchange kids. I just smile and move on. It has taken me about a year to be able to let it roll of my back, but I know I am doing the best I can and that's what matters. Good luck with everything!

It's a process and depending on how tenacious and creative she is it could take a while (read years) to reach an even level.

For one never JADE - justify, argue, defend or explain. Any topic, any time. Unless she asks a specific question pertaining to one of the children, do not reply. Commentary, accusations, mudslinging, etc. do not gain any type of response.

Limit all communications to email, text or voicemails. Do not verbally engage her ever. The less you communicate the easier she will be to manage and the more time you have to put thought into your replies.

Limit pick up and drop-offs to neutral locations if communication at these times is out of hand. We do pickups from school or daycare. Drop offs are a matter of dropping my stepdaughter at the curb and watching her walk in the house. She waves to let us know she’s in safe.

Keep all replies strictly to facts only. Keep all communication to answering questions or asking questions.

Follow all court orders exactly and always. It keeps you from chasing your tail. We never switch weekends or holidays or anything else. We've learned it's not worth it. If my husband gives up time to accommodate her, it's because he doesn't love his kid. If he asks for extra or a swap, then he's being a greedy selfish bastard and not thinking of his kid who has a life outside of his weekends.

Keep a written log with photographs can help combat any issues which arise. Make a note of when you picked the children up or dropped them off, take photographs of the condition they arrived in and left in, photograph what they arrived with and went home with, make a note of any other matters of interest (bruises, injuries, poor condition clothing, etc.). The purpose is to create a journal of your care of your children and to refute anything at all. It’s hard to prove innocence without proof and you’ll be assumed guilty with only her word to go on. For instance, we never get extra clothes so we have learned to send her home in her pick up clothes. Yes, they are dirty but if I wash them, it’s the wrong soap. If we don’t wash them and send her home in our clothes, our clothes are thrown in the trash because we bought cheap clothes and hate her. And and and… Never mind the fact she isn’t sent with a bag of extra clothes in the first place.

Expect the unexpected and expect the courts to maintain the status quo. You will most likely be on the less even footing in the courts so get over it now. Life's not fair and the courts are most certainly not fair.

Know your legal standing and respect it. You will probably only learn your legal standing the hard way so breathe deeply. To enforce our court orders there is a procedure which involves us keeping a certified official court copy in the car and knowing the phone number of the local sheriff’s office. We played a game for a few months where she denied my husband all access to his daughter. It was technically legal. For each failed pick up and drop off we had to call the sheriff’s department, have them come out to read the court orders, attempt to contact her and then send us on our way with a slip of paper outlining the details of the event but with no child. We were told we had to do this several times to demonstrate contempt of the court orders. At that point we would have to take her back to court and then have her found in contempt of court. Her punishment if any would be up to the judge and all of the expenses (attorney’s fees and court fees) would have been on us. I can keep going but this only serves to point out it’s not a fair system. You will be on the defensive. The trick is being on the defensive with grace and patience because that is what your children will see.

Walking the high road will be immeasurably difficult and thankless at times. For the sake of your children keep a smile plastered on your face and keep on trying your best. We’ve gotten a lot of things wrong but never once have we ever bad mouthed the ex to my stepdaughter. The garbage we’ve heard first or second hand, though, would turn your hair gray. At the end of the day we realize my stepdaughter will draw her own conclusions at some point and we want what she thinks about us to be based on us doing and saying our best. We are imperfect people but we put her first and she’ll realize that because our actions speak to that.

It took my husband about one year to condition his responses appropriately and another year for them to take effect. We spent three and half years battling crazy. It's been even for a while but we never expect that to last. When the ex has something stressful going on at her end, we will feel it and from the most unexpected directions. Such is life when an adult can’t put on her big girl britches.

IMHO:

1. You do not have to respond to ANY of the e-mails unless it involves drop-off or pick-up or something along those lines.

2. I would not explain myself at all - refer to #1 above. Anything you say will just open the subject up for continued discussion/argument.

3. You have to change your mindset. Instead of becoming defensive, think of it any other way you can that will invoke sympathy/empathy on your part. I would say that she's looking to make herself feel like the better parent and if she needs to feel that way, let her. You don't have to care what she thinks/feels, you only have to worry about what the kids think/feel. So, take it with a grain of salt, smile and move on.

The reason that this continues is because you respond. A few unanswered e-mails and the thrill will be gone.

She's saving all these messages and will use them against you in court in the future.

Simply say "Thank you for bringing that to my attention".

Nothing accusatory, nothing blaming anyone, no "it's not my fault", nothing.

I would not respond to any of the emails, ever. Do not engage her at all. How you spend your time with your children during your custody time is none of her business as long as they are not being abused. If you engage with her in this back and forth it could hurt you in the custody case. I would save all the emails though, and any where she is derogatory to you or she shows she is trying to manipulate the children should be talked over with your lawyer.

Only engage when you need to, and don't get into tit for tat. If she's just informing you, then OK, you're informed. No need to reply. My DH also got very good at ignoring all the emotional fluff and focusing only on what pertained to the kids. If the bottom line in her email was that she was picking them up at 6:30 instead of at aftercare, then he didn't reply to her whining about how she felt he was being unreasonable to not drive them half way. Or whatever her whinge was. He might say, "I will have the children ready at 6:30 per this email." and that was it.

We also got things like "SS is quite stuffy and I gave him tea and Mommy hugs (this was about a 14 yr old) and he's feeling better but not great..." AKA she didn't want to bring the kids back on time/you're a bad dad/I'm a good mommy, etc. We had to ignore, ignore, ignore.

If it makes you feel better, print it all out, keep a documentation binder the kids can't see and keep your documentation unemotional.

It stings. It's stupid. But don't let her get to you. With the kids you can simply say, "I'm glad it made you feel better. If you ever need a neti pot treatment, you can ask anytime."

Your kids are 10. Expect in the next year or so some internal thought processes on their end. Both my sks went through a tough spot realizing that their mother spoke in half-truths at about the same age. Be steady and stable and true. They matter more than she does. My sks are adults now and I think that while they still love their mother, they also see her for who she is. And that has nothing to do with us.

Speaking from experience, she is using emails for documentation for the hearing. You should response with FACT only. Something like, "Yes, it's allergy and sick season and our kid has allergies or may have caught something that is going around. I take care of his needs at our house the same way you do at yours. I will keep you updated if something changes but he appears to be handling it just fine." THAT'S IT. You do not want to get into a pissy fight back and forth. Good luck.

What Cheryl said, below. Confine responses to issues related directly to dropoff and pickup (or of course actual medical emergencies). Remove the payoff she gets when you defend yourself to her. That's what she's after.

If she comes back at you about "Why aren't you answering my e-mails and texts?!" be prepared. Don't wing it. Tell her--when you see her in person--"I'm paring down the electronics and keeping things to details of dropoff and pickups and things like that."

As another issue here: It sounds as if she might be the type of parent who tells the kids how the other parent is not as attentive, not as smart, not as good a parent, etc. If you feel she is sending your kids these signals when they are with her, that's a problem, because your kids could end up believing her when she says she's better to them and for them than you are. It's tough, because courts can order parents not to badmouth each other, but the more subtle criticism of "Oh, she didn't use your neti pot? You poor thing! You would have been so much better if she had just used your neti pot! I'm shocked she didn't think of it for you!" -- that's tougher to fight. Just be aware of the fact she might be setting your kids up to think she's ideal and you're lacking. Counseling for you, on how to handle this with the kids, could be a good thing if you think it's warranted.

These all sound like good questions for your attorney.

I'd email a few samples to your lawyer. Ask about raising the issue of "parental alienation" which is what your ex is doing if you are being badmouthed to the children.

Believe me, the courts do not want to be involved in this level of detail for health reasons that do not require a doctor's visit. (Actually, they don't want to be involved in routine medical care either.) Nobody's going to be branded a bad parent because a kid was stuffy. If you two agreed on everything, you would still be together.

Unless the lawyer tells you to engage in this stuff in detail, I would respond with "thank you for the information" or "Thank you for your input." You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to.

Next time you're at the pediatrician, ask about how many Neti pot treatments are recommended and how many are excessive. You can also talk to a counselor about ways to co-parent if you think your ex will participate - but putting the kids in the middle is likely to backfire on her and make them draw away as they get old enough to make a decision about where they want to live and when/where they want to visit. This may be at the route of her insecurity and need to micromanage.

In response to, do you "have to" respond, perhaps that is something that is in your divorce decree, therefore, would be a question to your attorney.

In any event, if it were me, I would not respond. There would likely be emails I would ignore completely and some emails that I would respond with a very simple, statement that he was not stuffed up when you had him, but thanks for letting me know. Please keep an eye on him and let me know how he is doing through the week.

Show care, but don't get drawn into the drama. Always keep your emails about the children, when you read them and when you respond. If need be, read it, break it down, write your response, take a break, read it, edit, send.

Best wishes.

Hello,

The only thing I can suggest is model the behavior you want to get from your ex. She will in time, behave in a manner that actually puts the kids first. I totally get what you're saying....especially the visceral!

I would respond back, but with no energy on the matter as well as with no details (bday part, chicken, etc.).

I would say "Please trust that I'm doing my best with the kids and although I may not parent like you, I do parent in my own way." I appreciate your feedback and next time if I make the connection sooner, I will give him the treatment. I'm glad he's feeling better, thank you."

Something like that. Trust me....it takes only one person to make the positive change in these challenging circumstances. I'm the change in my family...and dad it following nicely....and the kids get to love both their parents with no guilt.

Sometimes when I'm angry, I chant....but talking to a good friend, or reaching out to this group is all you need to do. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of the twins.

Oh Yeah! Don't worry about what she thinks, you only have yourself to answer to! You know your strengths and weaknesses and what you need to work on.

S.

Let me clue you in about judges, your case will not be their first rodeo. All the stuff you are saying about your ex your ex is saying about you. You are dragging your kids into your drama just as much as she is. Just stop it already. I feel really sorry for your kids, this is hurting them. All you care about is your feelings, that it makes you feel like a bad parent.

One of you needs to be the grown up, since I speaking to you, why don't you give it a try.

Some great answers. I like the one about the oxygen - don't add to the fire!

I also really like the one that suggests feeling empathy/sympathy for her need to feel like the better parent. I've never tried that with people who aggravate me (usually I just don't respond) but I wonder if that would take the angst away for you.

Know that she needs a reaction from you, but of course you don't have to respond. It's a stuffy nose - not something major. And what's done is done. At this point, it really doesn't matter - as others have said, will just keep the conversation going.

My MIL enjoys drama and I had to cut her off. She's just that type of person, it wasn't anything personal, I think her life is a bit empty. If I engage in it, it never helps - nothing pleases her. So I learned just not to go there. I feel better about her (less stressed) when I don't respond, so it's healthier for all concerned :)

The thing is, you don't owe an explanation. If you were still married, and you forgot the netti pot or didn't think it was necessary, would you feel you owed your spouse this explanation or would you just say "Oh well, I didn't". That's what I would say to my husband. It's just not worth it which ever way you look at it. I agree with you.

Good luck :) I hope it all goes smoothly for you!

You need to go on Google and check out Neti Pot. Some new info. I gave up mine. Dr. Has excellent nasal drops probably could be used by 10 year old. I have had these problems for 50 years. Done it all to improve.

Let her "check in" with you all she wants, you do NOT have to respond to them tho...& for petty stuff like that I would not...

...but you do need open dialogue.

well, the obvious answer is to take the high road. but i'd be like you, and the snotty passive-aggressive tone would set my teeth very much on edge.
unfortunately the well-being of your kids depends on your ability to grit those teeth and not rise to the bait.
no, don't respond to all of the emails, and if you do, don't get tricked into 'explaining' because that's just what she wants, to put you on the defensive.
'thanks, druscilla, i administer the neti-pot when i find it appropriate to do so for my kids' is the most i'd send back. but really, anything you say will probably be leapt upon and used to escalate. the best response is probably 'thanks for your ideas, i'll keep that in mind' if anything at all.
then make a poppet of her and find some really creative things to do to it......
khairete
S.

I had almost the same drama with my husbands ex and their daughter and still. My suggestion to you is ask your partner to talk to her and if their is something that she feels that should be better addressed. Because to my experience she just wants to get involved in the relationship and make nonsense something big. And your partner should be able to set her straight because at the end if she has a concern with the kids she should be calling or emailing the dad.

Dear ex:
Did the child die? No.
Dd he come home comatose? No.
Bleeding from multiple orifices? No.
He came home with a stuffy nose. Get your own nose out of the air before you drown in the next thunderstorm.

I know you can't actually do that, but IF you choose to respond at all (which you do NOT have to do), I would point out that the child was not on a prescribed medication, and that he did not show symptoms indicative of the need to have a saline sinus flush. (And no, that's not a dig at Neti pots - I use one myself in occasion).