I Laugh, So I Don't Cry (Errr.... Strangle, Maim, Dismember)

Did you ask him if he could take care of his child one night a week? I think he has an ulterior motive. Perhaps he and this friend are going out together and he doesn't want you to know. Perhaps he's spending time with a child and his mother. This way he can talk about the child. His reasoning is just not believable. Something is up with him.

Good that you could laugh. I think I would not have been so nice. I suspect I"d have made a comment something along the lines that it's good to hear he's sympathetic to that situation since it's happening to you and walked out the door for an evening on my own. Gone to see a friend, walked the mall, took in a movie.

I feel for you!!! I think a lot of us do here as you are not alone. If I were you I think I would describe the friend's situation like you did here, and then what YOU do. Do not put any names on it, don't let him know that you want him to see what you do, but instead, just leave the two listed in columns on a piece of paper. Tell him that you were wondering which of these people needed the most help, and if he had any suggestions for what would help each one individually. Let him think about this for a while, and when he comes up with something to help each one, say ok. If you want to help friend X one night a week, then how often would you like to help friend Y (you)? I wouldn't tell him its you until he comes up with answers and then sit down and have a real talk with him. He probably has no idea what you life is really like. I know mine didn't until I broke it down for him one day. He told me, well, you just take care of that. I had to explain that its not magic, its work, energy, time, and stress. Remember, he has to come to the conclusions on his own and in his own TIME. Men physcially need longer than women to think and need much longer to process because their brains work so much differently. I hope this helps, and tweak it whatever way will work best for you if you decide to give it a try. Good luck!

Oh, not only are you NOT the only one....but there are books, movies, & even greeting cards addressing issues such as this!

A couple of years ago, my mom gave me a card - unsigned. The front of it was a woman banging her head against a brick wall....& inside it simply said, "whenever you feel like this...please know you are not alone". !!!

She left it unsigned, because she knew - at some point - every woman in the world would need it! Peace.

Want I should come mess him up? You know I will.

I know why smart strong girls pair with guys who Miss Everything, cuz we're thinking we can SHOW them what they're missing. Rarely works out that way, sigh.

LY R..

:)

For what it's worth, I can commiserate with you, R.. My first husband ran on blind self-delusion, and had such bizarre explanations for the way things / people / social expectations worked that I often wondered if he ever listened to himself talk. However, he came from a different culture, and so I tried to excuse his world view for many years, quietly tearing my hair out when he wasn't looking. If he noticed me tearing my hair out (figuratively, of course), he would get furious at me, call me terrible names, and punish me for my lack of adoring foot-kissing.

Fortunately, I finally realized I didn't have to be trapped in that relationship. Getting out was hard, and I left pretty much penniless, but several years later I married one of the sanest, kindest, most reasonable men on the planet.

I understand you're convinced you can protect your son best if you stay married to this man. Until your son is big enough to protect himself, I wish you many deep breaths, belly laughs, and moments of parenting joy and beauty. Meanwhile, if your husband does help his friend out one night a week, maybe the end result is that he prioritize his values to include his own son, and you, in a way he seems oblivious to doing now. You can always hope, right?

I have a feeling you've already read this book, but in case you haven't I *highly* recommend it. The way you've described your experience with the book "You mean I'm not lazy, stupid, or crazy", ((I'm finally reading that and it's blowing my mind)) is how I might describe my experience with, "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts", by Dr. Gabor Maté.

Indecently, he also writes a book on ADD/ADHD. I haven't read it yet, but my best girlfriend speaks of it highly. The American title is VERY self-helpy because publishers thought it would sell better here if it had that sort of a ring. Unfortunate really, but I digress.
_______________________________________

No, you're not alone sister.

But we're not really talking about "men" are we? We're talking about our experience with dysfunction; this doesn't seem just an anecdote about miscommunication, blind spots, and gender patterning - it's about the overall damage that your husband (as well as many, many others - including my husband...and myself) drags around with him. This is addiction, not seen only through the limited (though helpful) disease model, but in the almost universal, deep, gnawing, raw hunger that precedes and fuels active addiction.

Is the rest of mankind this blind? At times, yes, I think so. Of course we're blind. It comes hand and hand with duplicity. How else do we lull ourselves into comfort?

So, really, what are you going to do? Throw yourself across the table screaming, "ARE you KIDDING ME??? Do you ACTUALLY NOT GET IT?" (seeing a John Malcovitch like scene here).

Nope. Because what does that *actually* accomplish?
This. Just. Is.
Better to laugh. Then we can find tears when they are ready. Big hugs. Yes, I've been there too.

You are definitely NOT the only one who has these issues! I'm attending University of Phoenix Online and working more than full time as a Domino's driver. On top of that I have to do I'd say more than half of the parenting, chores, etc. He works 5-6 hrs a day, comes home for a while and then goes to the "shop" to work on building a race truck with his best friend. So I guess that'd be a workaholic too. Anyways he gets mad at me when I expect him to put his child before the truck, because "I do that anyway," which isn't always true. When he's home with her he's glued to the bleeping computer screen and basically ignoring her. On top of this he won't even help me when I'm trying to do my homework and she's crawling all over me. He wants me to get this BA so I can get a better job, but yet he can't give me 2 hours a night for reading and homework.
So I hear you, believe me. Funny how they always seem to notice friend's parenting issues but never their own.

Sounds like a flimsy excuse to get away from you and your kids. There's a lot more going on here that has nothing to do with "his friend's problems". RED FLAG.....for your marriage,,,.no laughing matter.

Blessings.....

well, at least he didn't volunteer YOU to do it.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

my husband is disabled and in a wheelchair. He repeatedly tells people that i do nothing as he does it all himself. of course he doesn't and it is infuriating.

No, you're not the only one. But R., I mean, we're talking about your husband here, and from everything I've heard about him, this seems like the least of his problems. I mean, what are you gonna do? You've got a lot of patience.

No, you are not alone! You dealing with it by laughing is better than the alternative (strangle, maim, dismember)! I'm assuming discussions with him about such things ends up with the brick wall syndrome? If not, at least attempting a conversation might be worthwhile. My ex was similar and had temper issues as well, not to mention being clueless. I hope it helps knowing that some of us share in your frustration!

I figured out your problem:

You are banging your head against the wall instead of your husbands!!!! he needs some sense knocked into him.

Maybe you could pay this kid to be *extra* naughty for your husband

No you are not the only one.
Men are totally clueless.
Some men are more apt to help outside their home because they see "a need for help" while others just prefer to help other people instead of those in their own "backyard/household". These people seem to fulfill some need of their own in doing this while missing the point and letting their own immediate familes down. Totally clueless. I've seen this with my dad, my own husband and others.
AMAZING. Helllllloooo..
so you are not alone. Sorry you are dealing with this. I have not suggestions as I have realized in my own experience that it does not change. I do hope, however, that your situation does!

ooohhhhh R.!!! I'm sorry!!! if we lived closer you could drop your son over at our house and we could go out while my hubby takes care of them on Friday night!!!!

Well....okay, now on to your problem....have you "mirrored" this with your husband or does he not recognize himself consciously?

It's a shame the kids don't get along...or else I would recommend him taking your kid over too!!! URGH!!!!

OOOH GIRL!!!! you have my sympathy!!! I'm not sure how to help you!!!

I think that is wonderful that you have a sense of humor about this. It is probably what is keeping you sane amid all the chaos that is around you.

I think that you should hire yourself a babysitter once a week....even if your husband is at home, just so you can get a night out for your self. You richly deserve it. Plated in gold, studded in diamonds and rubies, and served on a platter of silver. Then go see a good movie, or eat out at a fabulous restaurant where they serve the dinner really slow. Have a real conversation with someone, even if it sometimes touches upon the kids.

Perhaps the second time you hire a baby sitter you husband will get the idea that he needs to take you out on a real date!

He can't even take care of his own child and Wife.
How the heck is he going to babysit another kid?
Yah right, Dude.

What a lame-o attempt at altruism.
or a shallow attempt at vicarious living and atonement.

This has shady written all over it. I read this to my husband and he agrees. I don't know any guys who would offer to babysit someone else's kid. This is a little strange.

Oh geeze! Some people want to help others so badly, without realizing they have a family to help as well :)

Remind him that, his friend has more time off than he has.

Gah, I don't blame you! My husband tells me I never put anything in "it's place" Well, that's pretty damn hard when you change "it's place" three times a week. For example:

I keep my daughters nail clippers in the bathroom drawer, with all of the rest of her bathroom things. So, one day, after a 15 minute fight to get her nails clipped. I set them on the kitchen counter, the forgot about it. So the next week, I go looking for them and can't come up with them. I remember i had left them on the counter, but alas they are not there. I finally ask my husband where they were. He put them away but couldn't remember where! So finally I find them in the kitchen drawer. Clip her nails again, and put her to bed. I come back out and they are missing. So I ask, "Where did you put them?" "Oh I put them back," he says so I go to the bathroom drawer...not there. Hmmm...maybe he meant where he put them last time....not there. "Where exactly did you put them?" I finally say, he gi es me a big sigh, "Where they are supposed to go." and pulls them off the top of the refrigerator! Really, who the hell puts nail clippers up there? I am 5'6 I can't see on the top of the damn refrigerator. GAH!

I think most men will only do what rewards them in a manner they like. Some how your guy isnt getting something he needs by being the good dad at home, but feels he will get some better reward from the friend if he does this favor for him. It might be that the guy treats him like his hero, or best buddy, buys him a beer, brags about him at work or wherever. Maybe you should make sure you are making him get those same, and better rewards at home for being the dad, and see if it changes his mind. Make sure youre telling him how much you need him to help, need him home, love that he helps, and brag to everyone and anyone how good he is with the family. Make it worth his while to stick around instead of spending time and energy on someone else.
I know I get real tired of cleaning my house but still seem to enjoy going to a freinds and helping her clean when shes in a bind. Its because she makes it fun, turns on cool music, buys me lunch, we laugh and get the job done. She helps. At home, I dont get the big pay off so sometimes I just dont want to clean. Im not saying my husband doesnt help around the house because he really does a lot. But when he is at work all day, and Im home, its just boring and dull and no fun at all to clean house. Maybe your guy needs more fun with his own family to show him how much better it is to stay home.

You mean everyone doesn't have issues with not seeing the forest for the trees? It is just easier to see everyone else's problems before our own.

Every now and then I am like oh poor so and so her husband is such a tool. My older daughter would give me a withering look and say you mean like dad? Oh, yeah, but I am used to him. This was after out divorce mind you.

I think I would be with you on this one, laughing at his lack of perspective. God knows my daughter laughs at me, a lot.

Ya know I just had a brilliant idea. Agree with him, a kids night out would be great! What would make it better, more kids! :p

Step back a minute. maybe, just maybe, being responsible for this other kid will make him realize what he needs to be doing help-wise at home?

I would say that I do have some sympathy for the other guy...because he's doing the same thing at home!

It's a man thing. They don't get it even when we spell it out for them...not sure why but they don't. You could try but be prepared to be disappointed.

On the other hand, it could be more than this and be shady like Leah C said.