Is It Just Me? - San Francisco,CA

It only frustrates me when he disciplines in a manner we have no agreed on. (That has only happened once, I think.) I do NOT want to be the only one who disciplines all the time! That would be the worse job ever! I like the help, and I need it.

My mother is that way. When I was a kid and we did something that deserved a punishment. She's say, "Oh you just wait till your father gets home!". He'd come in the door around six in the evening and she'd place us before him and give him the rundown of the days events. He'd begin to deliver his punishment (waiting for it was always worse than actually getting it) and my mother would stop him mid way to kiss away our tears and hug us better. It was stupid. My sister and I would start wailing before he could do anything to trigger my mother into action.

She couldn't suffer herself to be "the bad guy". Anyhow, watching my parents argue and fight over how to "deal with us" was enough to make me hold my tongue and stand as my husbands wing-man when punishments must be delivered to our child. Most of the time I'm the disciplinarian anyway but when he's there to nip something in the bud I'll either stay out of it or stand next to him with my arms crossed and a stern look on my face to let her know we mean business. Both of us.

United we stand. Divided we fall.

You need to work as a team.
If you can't be a team your son will eventually divide and conquer you -- you must not let that happen.
You need to present a united front... no matter what.
My cousin didn't like the way her then husband disciplined their little boy and she wanted to be the all in all to that child. What happened? Their marriage fell apart, the little boy figured out how to manipulate both of them, and now the boy is an adult with issues.
YMMV
LBC

If your husband is kind and respectful, you would be doing your son a disservice as well as your husband by objecting. You want your son to know that he has a father that cares enough to guide him through life. And you want your husband to know that you value and appreciate his love and concern for your son. The fact that it bothers most likely comes from oxytocin. It is a chemical all moms have that bring out mommy instinct. But you are protecting your son by honoring his relationship with his dad . Save the comments for a time your husband is too harsh or in the wrong. Wait, think over it and then express your concern privately. Most times a parent will have already realized they acted in haste. Children learn the most from their same sex parent. And you want your son to marry a wife that will honor and value his relationship with his children. Good luck and know you are just momma lion. We all feel it.

Better to stand united as long as his discipline is reasonable. It sends the right message to your son and makes your husband feel like an equal partner which he should be.

I think it's pretty normal. It's hard to watch anyone tell our kids what to do. I think Moms just feel like they have the patent.

I'm glad I"m not the only one! I have a REALLY hard time not saying something, though. We don't discipline similarly half the time. He responds without a lot of thought at times and upsets the kids when he could just approach it a little different and all would be fine. then other times he is obviously thinking it through and does great.

Then when he comes up with discipline (or whatever exactly) and expects me to follow through with it if he's not there - drives me crazy. He needs to ask my opinion first before he signs me up for it. Sometimes he'll discipline for me. Like he thinks I would be irritated about something and will get after them, when in reality, I'm totally fine with whatever or I already told them they could do it. That gets frustrating too because I'm right there and can discipline if I want.

He's just not as easy going as I am when ti comes to the kids. And we don't have crazy kids. They are well behaved. But he can be a little too picky in my opinion. He needs to take a breather some times.

He is a very good father, don't get me wrong! I don't see many as good as him. He will play for hours with them when he gets home. He loves to spend time with them. He's awesome at it. But sometimes he doesn't seem to realize how he comes across when he disciplines.

I don't always bite my tongue, but I really should. I try, but sometimes it's so hard when I see a situation getting all worked up and kids feeling sad/hurt when they really don't need to. I know I need to work on keeping my mouth closed. It's been one of our major sources of disagreements lately. But, we're reading a discipline book that I think we'll both like, and I expect things to improve in that area. We really need to approach it the same. I refuse to discipline like him (as that would cause for very unhappy kids!) and he's yet to learn what I've been trying to teach him about the disciplining I feel is best...but, again, the book should resolve all of it and we'll be back on the same page again!

Sorry I rambled so much! I could keep going:-) I love my hubby. I'll just be glad to have this going a little smoother. When he is thoughtful about it and not just knee jerk reacting to them, we parent very similarly. It's just when he stops doing that where we disagree.

But, even if we did discipline similarly (which we used to when we only had one...adding more kids has made him in "survival" a little more often...hehe!). Even when we were similar, I still felt protective. I'm sure that's what it must be for you.

Yes. As they get older it sometimes is better, sometimes not. I agree with Shane that it is probably instinctual for us moms to want to defend and "protect" our babies (even when they aren't exactly babies anymore), and even from their Dads. Unless he is really over the top in his discipline method, to the point where it could be considered abusive (and that doesn't sound like what you are trying to describe), then I have often found it easier to just leave the room. I got tired of my split urges to support my husband (because he is doing what is right and needed) and defend my child (because he's "MY BABY"). So instead of sticking my foot in it (or my nose, depending on how you look at it) I just walked away.
My husband is great at coming on like a bear, then leaving and giving himself and our children some time to think about what was said, mull it over, let it sink in some, and then going back and talking to them more so that they are sure the kid got the message AND the kid knows Dad does in fact love them immensely and wants to teach them to be better people.

I think what you are experiencing is completely normal. Otherwise I am a lunatic too. ;)

Walk away. It's sometimes much easier.

There have been times I thought my husband was being too hard on our son, or that the discipline he was enforcing didn't match the crime. But I never say anything in the moment, or change the punishment.
I have sat him down after the kids are in bed to discuss what he was thinking, give him my input, and we come to a conclusion for the next time a similar behavior may occur. Sometimes, yes, it turns out his thinking was perfectly logical and I just have to admit that I was being a sappy mommy!
It's ok to want to protect your child, but it's counterintuitive to interrupt appropriate discipline. So just learn to walk away and know that your husband loves your son and wants the same things for him that you do. Take time to cool off and give your husband a hug while remembering that sometimes you, too, have to be the bad guy.

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Since I'm the one who does 90% of the disaplining, I love it when hubby does it and I don't always have to be the "bad guy".

It did not hit me until just now when I read your post why I would get heated. I personally asked myself the same question and realized for me it was because I saw how I acted and did not see this until I watched my son's father act it. It thoroughly was appalling that he would discipline in this manner and yet when I said something - he did not want to hear it and said I do the same thing. Until then I did not realize why. It was because I saw myself in his action and was disgusted with how I was treating my son. Now, I have changed my discipline with my son who is only 4 and we get along great and I rarely discipline him any more.
Remember this is only me and may not work with your situation but you never know... Good luck and just remember - your child and discipline is how he will learn to handle every day life when he gets older - make sure you are not too controlling or not controlling enough.

That is too funny! I do the same thing! I think it's the momma grizzly coming out in me, even when I think his response is perfectly appropriate. You know the old phrase - no one can insult my mother but me? Well, it's the same idea. My husband thinks it's endearing, not insulting, luckily.

Your not alone. I too have trouble not saying something when I feel he shouldn't say something a certain way or whatever it is. The way I get through it is to remember that I love my hubby and he loves our kids and he is parenting the way he needs to. It works for him--it may not be the same way that works for me, but thats ok. As long as we are united together with what we do as parents, we are doing just fine. Hang in there!

M

I love what everyone said.
Thank you for making me "know" I'm normal.
Hubby needed to hear it too from the masses.
Can you say "mama bear"? Hey they came up w/that phrase
for a reason and I don't think it applies just to the furry animal. :)