Kids Say the Darndest Things

HAHA I love kid stories.
My son is 21 and just brash, crass, rude, you name it, he;s all boy. I needed to go to Walmart for pads and wasnt' gtelling him so he guesses. He says in a very elaborate, grandiose voice "M. get me a douche will ya dear?"
His little brother who's 9 was in the back seat.
So P asked a what?? C says a douche is what M. needs to wash her vagina.
P says We're gonna wash China, How are we gonna wash China?

Just recently my parents took my almost 7 year old & I on a cruise. While on a shopping spree, my Mom was looking for an XLarge hawaiian shirt for my Dad. I finally found one & held it up & my Dad responded, "You could fit 2 Pops in that shirt" My daughter replies "Go ahead & get it Pop, you'll grow into it!" Everyone in the store had a good laugh over that one! Even Pop.

In a similar vein... when my son was 3 we were in a grocery store and his hands went down the front of his pants. I didn't even have to think to say "Hands outta your pants" (he'd discovered himself some time before)... to which a piping voice that carried from one end of the store to the other replied:

"But my peni is stuck to my balls! Stuck to it!" dead silence, where everyone freezes and tries not to laugh, and he continued "I'm lucky it's little! Daddy's peni is HUGE! I mean like really REALLY BIG!"

At which point the entire store broke out laughing. Which cemented a new phrase my toddler would whip out at inappropriate times (IS there an appropriate time for such a comment) from then on for the next week or so, trying to get that laugh again.

Ohhh, so many. Calling the store clerk Daddy for a few weeks when he as three was a thrill…Gave the poor kid (clerk) a complex. My son wanted another daddy so I could have another baby since his daddy and I weren’t’ together anymore.

One of my favorites was when we were eating dinner with his father (his father was on call, and it was his visitation night, so we went out to eat so they could visit). My son said, “Mommy, how do dolphins mate?”
Me: “ I am not sure, but we can look it up later ok. Eat your dinner please.”
Son: “Daddy, did you know how kangaroos mate?”
His father mumbled a dismissal of the conversation and a hushed “shhh!!!”

Son: “No daddy, the Daddy kangaroo stands behind the mommy kangaroo and he says ‘ungh ungh ungh’!”

At this point, everyone near us in the restaurant is glancing at us.

Me: “Yes honey, that’s right. However, I think that is enough National Geographic at the table for tonight. Finish your dinner please.”

Father: “Yeah, that isn’t something to talk about at the table, so hush.”

Son: “But daddy, the really go more like this” my son grabs the table, makes the ungh sound, and scoots his chair forward a few times to mime the motion.

At this point, I have to stand up and walk away because I am about to laugh as it was so unexpected. People around us were a myriad of laughter, shocked looks, a glare, and red merry faces and snickers. His father sat there with his mouth hanging open, and I put a check box in my mind to discuss appropriate table talk with my then 5 year old.

I returned to the table and let my son know he was right, but we would discuss it later and he replied with an “Oh, ok Mommy!” He had just seen a National Geographic on Kangaroos earlier that week, and he was absolutely accurate. His father couldn’t wait to get out of the restaurant.

Good topic I loved reading the answers <3

My step son is 7 now, he is the funniest kid ever! Here are some examples:

One day he was talking a bath when he was about 5 or 6. He was playing, and I came in to make sure he washed up. I grabbed the spounge and put soap on it. It make sure (i dont invade his private area's since i'm step mommy :) i hand it to him and say "ok wash up!" He gets up and sings "Wash my body wash my body" in the same tone as Mariah Carey's new song "Touch my body!" i didn't even know he new this song let alone make a remix!

Another time he was playing at the park- a little boy was saying bad words. He asks the little boy, "how old are you?" the little boy answers "six why?" Anthony says "welll i'm seven and you shouldn't be saying bad words!" The little boy says "what! Do you want to fight huh? huh?" and gets in Anthony's face. Anthony calmly says, "do you want to have a dance contest???" (thinking of the Michael Jackson Beat it Video!) The boy just walked away. My husband is like "did my son just say that?!" haha we laughed for days.

and lastly! I could go on forever with this kid! When he was about 5, we have a neighbor who is Vietnames (like my sons) and she is like 3 years older then my step son. They play all the time, when her family permits. One day it was really hot out side, and he went to see if she could play. He comes back with out her, and says "she can't play, her grandma said she cannot because she doesn't want her to get to dark"... he sits there with a confused look on his face and then comes to the conclusion " I think she doesn't want her to turn into a "African American" (and yes he uses the air quotes).. I was baffled for one where does he come up with this stuff?? and two, where did he get the idea of air quotes and people changing nationalityies.. this kid is too funny! He says it all in good faith and is always so witty!

Ohh yes, a few weeks ago, grandma (we live with her) needed to be taken to the Dr. and said to me and her son (my SO) with our son in the room, I do not care who, but can someone take me to the Dr in the morning? My 3 almost 4yr old at the time pipes up with "I can drive" after explaining that he can not a few times (kept insisting he could drive), he finally said " I can drive, I have KEYS!" conversation over we were all bedide ourselves in laughter ... daddy drove grandma the next day!

My daughter (5) asked me if it hurt to have babies one night. I replied oh you'll find that out when you're older. After stewing on that answer for a couple minutes she says, wait Aunt Angie just had a baby right. To which I replied, yes. Well then can you ask her if it hurt and tell me what she says. :) I reply with a smile, yes I will do that. Thinking that was the end and I got out of answering her. She says, but you had me and my sister right? I say, yes, feeling defeated. .......Well did it hurt to have us? I said well you see it hurts but women are supposed to have babies. Then its quiet for another few minutes until she says "I don't want to have a baby" Thinking she is afraid of the pain, I ask her why. She says "I just don't know how shirts will fit me when I have a big belly"

HAHAH! THAT'S FUNNY! my daughter (6 at the time) was commentiing to her oldest step sister that was ALWAYS getting in trouble, then one day at the dinner table with the other two sister's, myself and husband, my daughter told me, mom i'm glad ___ gets in trouble so much, i'm like ??? told her, what on earth? she said hold on let me finish...then finished with , because i can watch her and learn what i can't get away with.

We are not a "redneck" family. At all. My elder brother had recently been to a Nascar race and the group he had gone with had all bought these rubber fake "bubba' teeth.. you know the kind: bucked, crooked, and discolored. A few weeks later, when they came down to visit us, he popped them into his mouth before greeting my 2.5 yr old son and grinned at him, big and wide.. He waited for the reaction, it was cute, then he took them out. The end. Right? Wrong.

About a MONTH later... I was in line at the gas station waiting (the pay at the pump thing was broken - so of course I had to unload my son from his car seat and drag him into the store with me for the interminable wait to pay for my gas)... and the clerk turns to the person in line in front of me and is being very social and smiling. My son turns to me and LOUDLY says: "Look Mommy! She has "BUBBA TEETH"!" He thought it was a great joke the lady was playing.. I was completely mortified!

Son: Mommy I don't have boobs yet.
Me: Nope, and you won't get boobs either.
Son: Nooooo...Cause I'm a boy!

My niece in a restaurant restroom. Mommy, why do you have hair down there? My sister could hear the laughter from the other stalls, and could barely contain herself as she rejoined us. We then whispered it down the table so that everyone could join in.

Out of the blue yesterday my 4 year old son asks me, "Mommy, why doesn't Daddy like to drive the piece of sh** car?" I had to tell Daddy he HAS to watch what he says in front of the kids.

About a month ago we were in Target getting my 2 1/2 yr old a booster seat. My husband noticed that they had soups on sale. Since we were only getting the booster seat we didn't get a cart. He asked my daughter if she would take one of the cans for him. She looked at him and said "only two hands!" Well I thought that the woman next to me was going to die laughing. That was the first time that she said that and has been saying it ever since.

When my daughter was 2 yrs old, my husband and I were with her in Target walking by the Lingerie dept. There was a manikin wearing a red nighty that was very see through and delicate. As we pass by the dept. my daughter looks at the manikin and says to us. "Mom, you would look just RAVISHING in this one". We were cracking up so hard. Such big words for a 2 yr. old. I had to think back to where she would get such a big word from and the only thing I could come up with was the Disney movie "Beauty and the Beast" were the amour picks a dress out for Bell and then says what my daughter said. Kids are so impressionable aren't they?

I've been fighting a cold and the other morning when I woke up with my 3 year old daughter, I told her mommy was sick and didn't feel well. She told me, "Get down here' (made me get down to her level). She said she needed to "feel my brain", put her little hand on my forehead, and said, "You feel warm! You need to go see the dentist!"

My three year old says "Mommy only boys can do high jumping. I say why? and he says "its too dangerous for girls". I think it is hilarious and think where did he get that from?. Mommy is a strong independent woman who wouldn't promote this lol!!

Too cute! I have a tattoo that I forget that I have until I'm reminded. It's 20 yrs old and on my butt so I never see it. This morning my 4 yr old son saw it and said "mommy you have a stamp!" the last time the kids saw it, it was "ewww dirty!". Gotta love kids. =)

Funny!
My 1st grader came home from school yesterday and said, "Mommy...I did drugs with Ms. Joan today!!" My older daughter and I looked at each other and burst out laughing! Of course she meant that she learned about not doing drugs from the school's counselor :)

Oh - what great stories. My daughter right now is enthralled with how people get older.
1) at the dentist, an older lady came in. my daughter said in a stage whisper - "mom - there's an old lady at your dentist"
2) "Mom, when you get older and have wrinkles, I'll still love you" gee - thanks -hello Botox?)
3) Just this morning - "I love everybody's hair. Just not old people's." (luckily we were in the car).
4) Her Oma (great-grandma) can't drive "because she's too short".
What a nice post for a Friday laugh! Thank you!

Sometimes I think that my son should be a comedian-not so much that he's funny all the time, but when he does say something funny, it's all about the timing. Several years ago, we were channel-surfing & stopped on "America's Worst Police Chases" or something like that. Some guy on a motorcycle ran a red light just as a motorhome was coming through. Motorcycle guy hit the motorhome just after the rear wheel & we hear this little voice say--"Oh so close".

And, just recently, my daughter is 3, will be 4 in a couple of weeks. She firmly believes that she can do anything her big brother can do. He has recently decided that he can jump from the top bunk into a bean bag. He doesn't so much jump as slide down. I happened to walk past the bedroom just as my daughter was thinking about jumping. She hadn't gotten to the point that her legs were over yet, but you knew what she was thinking. So, I ask-"What are you doing?" She: "I'm going to jump down into Ben's beanbag." Me: "Um, no you're not." Her: "But why Mama? It could be fun". Me: "So would a trip to see the cute ER doctors, but no you're not." She looked very defeated as she got down. This one was more about the look she gave, then what was said, but I thought still very funny.

Now that my son is 4, I decided to tell him that Papa (my dad) had died (actually two years ago). When he was young we told him Papa was gone and he never asked anything else. So my son said, "Where did he go?" to which I replied, "He went to heaven".

Two weeks later, he said, "Mommy, Papa died right?" and I said " that's right, honey" and he said " and he went to Kevin's". I love 4 year olds!

My 8 year old daughter asks me one morning "Mommy, do you know what Adulthood is?" Knowing she is going to have a great answer, I tell her "No, what is adulthood." Her response "It is where adults live!" HAHAHAHA! Of course adulthood is where adults live, in the adult "hood", just as the child "hood" is where children live.