Mother Problems

Let the older one go, and that will allow you to do something special with the younger one. As they grow, the older one will have other interest and not want to stay with grandma. They will eventually be seperated when only one will be invited to a friend's house or a party or a sporting event. My brother in law invites only my 9 year old to Astros and Rockets games and not my 7 year old, but I can't make him take the younger one. I send the older one and am grateful that he is developing a relationship with his uncle. Lighten up! Make something good out of this difficult situation. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade! Good luck!

I am a grandma of 3 boys. 8,7,almost 4. I love them dearly but I cannot handle 2 or even all three at one time. I have done it on occasion when the other was born or when my daughter was sick but it is just impossible as they are very needy. Their parents have not raised them to be fairly sufficient but instead they are constantly need of something water, juice, food, no sticks around the dog, stop walking on the flowers to get the lizards and so on. It is exausting. Our 12 year old daughter cannot be expected to entertain them all the time either. So I have opted for the one at a time thing and planned what we will do together such as make homemade pizza and craft things. I makes the time so much more special and the Boys are much easier to handle like this.
My daughter has come to appreciate this as well because it gives her time to spend with the other 2 one on one and for the other two to play together un-interrupted. It has become a special time all the way around. I do not take the 3 year old yet as he is still too young to have a sleepover and would wind up crying to go home at bed time anyway so we just don't go there. I do however take him off by himself to do things so he doesn't feel left out.
Sorry so long but felt you needed to hear another side to the coin of the grandparents side. Remember if she works 7 days a week already she is tired and it is not special time if she is working and not doing something special with them.

Hi B.,

I also think you've gotten some great and loving advice from perspectives of grandparents as well as mothers. With that said, I have to agree with them and I do also agree with how important these extended family relationships are: I understand this because my mother and I haven't spoken for a year and her new husband told me in a fit or rage to never call my OWN mother's house again. They have hurt me and my husband in every way imaginable, and NEVER took my daughter EVER, even when we lived 1 mile away from them. My mother was too self absorbed and always had dinner and a movie planned, "sorry." She never even childproofed ONE SINGLE room in her house for my daughter and my family to come over and enjoy some down time, where we knew she wouldn't knock over a thousand dollar 3 ft high crystal vase that sits on their marble floor. She was terribly inconsiderate, and after all the pain, we don't speak anymore. Now my dad is another story as my parents are divorced and he is remarried- it is SO sad, but when I ask my daughter who my mommy is, she says Grandma Joyce, which is my step mom. It's been such a painful ride for my family. My mom has caused the entire rest of my family to ostracize me completely and they have not called for christmas, birthdays, never. It is sad and heart breaking, so I just wanted to give you this perspective. I have a very difficult time trying to figure out how to deal with my situation as my mother is one that makes up her own reality. So i guess the moral of the story is- if you have small glitches with what your mother's requests are, please try and meet her half way. Having to lose your entire extended family over adult angers/problems, and then watch your children suffer is one of the worst and most painful things you can experience in these types of situations. I wish you the very best, and it's really true what someone said. Our mothers have their own limitations, whether it's that they are too old to chase around a two year old, or they are selfish enough to think they just "connect" better with one over the other. We ALL have limitations. But the advice you got is beautiful, and if this helps any, I wish that your problems were the only ones I was dealing with.

I wish you the very best, you do what's best for your children, you and your husband are responsible for their happiness, and that includes if your mother is upsetting you to the point that the children are seeing mommy upset. That's the point I got to when I decided it was time to cut off ties. So take all these things into consideration, look at the positive, and enjoy your mother- short comings and all before you don't have her anymore.

Take care,

S.

Give your mom a break, she works 7 days a week, yet she is willing to keep at least one of your children a couple of days a week. There is a lot of difference in caring for a 4 and a 2 year old. The 4 year old may be capable of occupying himself while your mom works. But to watch a 2yo or both of them, please. What work would she get done.

If you need a break from both, you need to hire a babysitter or find a mothers-day-out program, something along those lines.

Your 2yo may not stay by himself right now, but when he gets older he may. Did your mom keep the 4yo when he was 2? Did she have the 7 day a week schedule?

There are many factors to consider here. You should be thankful that you have a mom who is close enough and willing to take one of them for you even once a week. Be grateful and realize how lucky you are. My parents are 6 hours away, my in-laws 30 minutes. My parents keep my niece at least once a week and this is with her other grandmother and a great-granmother living within 200 yards and also willing to keep her anytime. If we need the close grandparents to keep our son, we are on pins and needles asking, then we have to call and remind her every couple of days, even with it written on the calendar it can still be forgotten. My sister doesn't realize how lucky she is. How would she handle the situation I have.

Be greatful and enjoy your mom taking them one at a time or maybe someday both of them while she can, she's not getting any younger, you know.

I have a strong opinionated Mother as well. I love her dearly. I have 3 children 14, 8 and 21 months. I wanted her to treat them all the same and spend time with all 3 at the same time. The true is, my kids are all different. To ask her to keep all 3 and treat them the same is unfair to her and my children. After, I realized she had her own relationship with each child, things between us got much better. You can't dictate how someone relates or doesn't relate to your children. If you feel that strongly, keep the kids from her. I promise though, the kids will suffer in the end.

Have you considered alternating them? One week your 4-year-old gets to go have some special Grandma time, then the next week your 2-year-old gets to go? This might be a good compromise.

The 2-year-old might be slightly more demanding of her time at work than the 4-year old, but it would be worth it to even the scales so everything is fair and your 2-year old doesn't miss out.

I can understand that working 7 days a week would cause her to think she can't handle both boys at the same time. I couldn't handle both of my kids all day at work, either! Taking one at a time would be manageable.

It might be good for your boys to experience some individual attention. As an example, when we go visit Grandma (one lives 5 hours away, the other lives 6 hours away), Grandma gets some alone time with each one. Sometimes my mom will take my daughter to get her nails painted, then take my son to feed the fish at the pond. It's a great bonding experience that would strengthen your children's relationship with your mother.

I hope this advice gives you something to work with. I don't know if you'd considered that possibility before, but it may be a welcome break for you and a neat experience for your kids. Let us know how it works out!

Hi B.,

Your mom works 7 days a week... give her a break! Remember, she's doing YOU a favor...

While you and your husband are the ones who lay down the law when it comes to your children, I feel that you both should revisit the idea of letting your oldest go alone. If you do not allow them to be separated now, you will be in a world of hurt when it comes time for the oldest to go to school and that leaves the youngest home alone. I have seen first hand how difficult it can be with friends children. It is also good for the children to know that they can have a one on one relationship not only with Mom and Dad, but with Grandma as well. The two year old may not be ready at the moment to go, but someday he will, as he will see how much fun older brother has while going. If it is only 45 minutes away, why not try one night the first time, and then build up to multiple nights down the road. Good luck!

Are you using not sending them together as an excuse to not send them to your mom's?

If that isn't the case, then, as a mom of 4, there will be a day that they can't go places together (school, birthday parties, sports etc.). If they become to dependent on one another this could make life very unhappy. Now if she only wanted one and not the other...that would be a different story. IT may very well be that until your younger son is older he won't stay alone. That is fine too. It isn't fair to not allow your older son to go. They need time with famly alone. This will give each child time alone not only with your mom but with you guys as well. That really builds relationships and confidence in your children. I often forget my kids need me alone one on one. It really makes a difference in their behavior too when they get it even though sometimes it is really hard with 4.

Unless you just don't want your mom around your kids (my mom and I are estranged so I understand), I urge you to allow your kids to go seperately. As an older sibling, that could do nothing without her brother, than be a lot of resentment and strain on their relationship as well.

Good luck!

I am a grandmother of a 4 year boy and 3 year girl. I know from experience how hard it is to have both of my grandchildren with me at the same time especially at that age. Your Mom probably doesn't have the energy anymore that you have. It's probably been years since she has taken care of babies. Taking care of a two year old is a full time job. Now that my granddaughter is 3 and a little more self sufficient it has gotten a lot easier. I don't feel so overwhelmed when I have them by myself. So I can sympathize with your mother only being able to handle one of the boys right now. Especially if she is working all the time and is taking them to work with her. You can't take a two year old to work.
I can also see your side as well, but your youngest child is only 2 and I don't think that will harm him if only the older child goes to visit grandma alone. At two he won't remember that he didn't get to go to Grandma's. Maybe you could use that time to do something special with just the two year old. I just had my granddaughter come and spend the night with me without her brother for the first time. I worried about that too, but my grandson was going to spend the night with the other grandparents and everything was fine.

You said that they spend 24/7 together all the time. It is good that the 4 year old can go and do something without the younger brother. He needs that. If you keep them together all the time, then what are you going to do when the 4 year old starts school. It will be even harder for the younger one as he gets older if he has not spent any time away from his brother. So give your mom a break and let her have some special time with her grandson.

Okay, I want to give you a response from a grandmother...I have four and one on the way.

Your mother is letting you know that she has limitations, but she wants to know her grandchildren. Just because she wants time with the oldest right now doesn't mean that she will not want similar opportunities with the youngest. Perhaps she doesn't feel that she can handle both boys together, and certainly they will feel more special if they each have some one on one time with their grandma and with you!

Right now your two year old is not going to grow up remembering that he didn't get similar time, nor that he didn't get to go with his brother. As they get older this will probably change, and your mother's time and limitations will probably also change, so the possibility of them visiting grandma together may be easier for everyone to do.

I have grandchildren ages 7, 3, 2 1/2, 2. I have found that having the seven year old and the three year old together is very demanding and neither seem to be very happy when I ignore one of them for the other. I prefer to have them alone one at a time. We have family time when their parents are around that they are together with me, and no one seems to be hurt or unhappy.

Please, be thrilled that your mother wants to spend special time with her grandchildren, and if you trust her, give that GIFT to your children. Growing up with loving grandparents is wonderful, and I want to give that experience to my grandchildren as my parents gave it to me. Let your mother know that you have reconsidered and can understand that she has her limitations and that you want to foster the relationships between her and your children. It will also help to mend the fence that you two are on either side of!

Good luck

Dear B.,,,,,

Stick to your guns!!!!! My geandma did the same with me and my sister... I was the one she allways wanted and not both me and my sis... My mom said this was ok, untill my sis was old enough to realise that she was getting the "raw end of the deal". Tell your mom that your kids are a packedge deal, and she cant get one with out the other....

Are you kidding, if you worry about thier safety, then who cares what she wants or thinks! I would not let my boys go over there without me, if that was the case. If she wants to spend time with them, she needs to come to you or not see them, or child proof her home! That is ridiculous!!! I did not even let my son go with his dad because he kept getting injured-I cut that off real quick and my kid is still alive and had no other major injuries!!! Go with you gut and intuition, that is what you have it for! They are YOUR children and if she won't watch or care for them as you would, then they should stay with you!!!!Good Luck!

I guess I don't see why it would be such a big deal for your sons to visit her seperately. Yes, as the parents, you get to say who goes where when, but it sounds almost like you're exercising this power just to exercise it. I don't see a need for your sons to do absolutely everything together--I know, growing up, that I relished getting some time away from my brothers! I think it would be wonderful for your sons to get some one-on-one time with their grandmother. My mom's parents always took time to do things with us seperately, and that made the time even more special. And for your mom volunteer to take your child overnight and even to work with her so she can spend time with them is very generous, in my opinion. Maybe your 2-year-old is too young to stay by himself, but have you tried it? You might be wrong about him staying without his brother...and if he IS that dependent on his older brother, maybe this is just the opportunity you need to help him gain some independence and self-assurance. It sounds as though your mom is bending over backwards to ensure she gets time with her grandchildren, and you're throwing roadblocks in her way for some reason--possibly because you don't have a close relationship with her. Your best solution might be to sit down with her and try to remedy that, and the rest may work itself out as a result. Good luck!

I would let the older one go with grandma. I have two boys 6 and 8. I made the mistake of always having them together at first. My husband started taking my oldest to work with him on the weekends(at about 4-5 years old) and my youngest and I had a blast together. They are really different people when they seperate from their sibling. Now my husband and I switch back and forth so we each get time with the boys one on one. I think the same would work for you and they will have an easier time when school comes because they have spent time apart. Make sure your Mom knows that when your youngest turns four that they will then have to alternate spending time with her. Maybe you could make a deal where she has to commit to some time with your two year old. Just take him out for a treat so he knows Grandma loves him too. Now when I have my boys one on one they will talk more about what is going on in their lives.

Your Mom will be your Mom all the days of her and your life and I know you Love her. Why punish the oldest one.
As a grandmother of 3 I know the oldest one is normally the one that is closest to the grandparent. That will change eventually but there will always be that special place for the oldest. It does not mean in any way that we don't love the others. I lost my Mom about 4 years ago and would love to be able to see her get angry with me over anything. There is no doubt, I sure, to your Mother that the kids are yours, but she did a lot right, SHE HAD AND RAISED YOU. Think about how really important this is and I'm sure if the younger one cries and wants to go with grandma,she'll not have the heart to say NO.

You mentioned that they are together 24/7. I have 2 children that are 2 1/2 years apart and it was special when they would sometimes go stay with their grandparents separately. If your mom can't keep both of them at once, for whatever reason, I would respect that and have her plan something special for the 2 year old so that he will feel like it is a treat just for him. Also, it helps the grandparent develope their relationship with each child when they can spend one-on-one time with them.

If you are still on good terms suggest that she take one of the boys for *a few hours* one day, then on a separate day take the other boy for a few hours. Or if she's up to it have them both for a few hours at the same time--it would be more manageable for her than for a longer period of time.
My daughters would go crazy if they were separated for more than a day.

You know two kids are a lot harder than one especially when the youngest is only 2 years old. I don't think you mother should have to take them both. Be happy she is willing to take one off your hands. They are not twins. Your 4 year old will be having friends over or going to play at a friends house before you know it. Your younger son will have to adjust. It is what it is. Let your older one go and you can enjoy the one on one time with the youngest. he will love having you all to himself. And...don't make a big deal out of the visits. Tell the younger one when he is older he will have special grandma time too but for now he has special mommy or daddy time.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but this happened to my younger cousins. My aunts mother in law would only take the older son because he was potty trained. She didn't want the younger son. It was heart breaking to her, but she was just happy that one of her sons could be with her mother in law. On the otherhand, she took the opportunity to bond with the younger son, with whom she had rarely had that chance because the older son was always around. Don't get mad. Count your blessings that you have a mother so close, that loves your children and is willing to see them. I live so far from my parents and if they lived so close, even if they would just help me out with one once a week, I would love the break. Children are resilient... they will get over being separated for a day, I promise.

I don't mean to sound rude but if your mom works 7 days a week and you are a stay at home mom, I think you should be happy that she is willing to help you at all. You mentioned that your mom takes the child to work with her - she must have a wonderful boss. I wonder how she gets any work accomplished with a 4 year old with her. I also wonder if that is really quality time they are spending toether. I agree that you and your husband have the right to decide when they can go for a visit but I think you should try to see things from a different view point. I wouldn't let this ruin your relationship with your parents - one day you might really need their help and they won't be there for you or her grandchildren.
P.S. Your 4 year old will be starting school soon I presume so he won't be able so spend as much time with his grandmother or his 2 year old brother. I suggest you get prepared for some real seperation issues!

My daughter had been in a very similar situation as you. She is also a stay at home mom and they also have 3 children. Her mother in law does not hide that fact that the oldest is her favorite. As a result, the oldest had a very volatile superiority complex and this created other serious discipline problems. The middle girl always felt left out, treated badly and not loved by her other Grand mother. The youngest (boy) does not even know them at all.

My daughter feels exactly the way that you do about her children being treated equally and fairly. It came to the point that she had to stop her mother in laws influence over the oldest because she had lost total control over her. My son in law is totally supportive of my daughter, in spite of this being his mother. He saw first hand the result of her visits and agreed that it had to stop.

The moral of this story is – the oldest is now a very well balanced child who has totally changed since she has not been around her other grandmother. It is sad that it had to come to that point, but the situation was brought on by her other grandmother’s actions. To a degree, the oldest was somewhat a victim in the whole situation. She is old enough now to understand everything that happened because my daughter is very honest with her.

As parents we set the course of our children’s lives, we teach our children the right and wrong way to treat other people. So what kind of message is it sending to a child when they are put in situations like your current situation. They don’t understand that it is wrong – they just know when it hurts their feelings. In turn, this can lead to much deeper issues as they grow older, such as self-esteem.

I know that you are upset, anyone would be… but the best suggestion that I can give to you is to do exactly what you are doing. It sounds like you & your husband are working together to maintain the stability for your children as well as setting examples, and your mother needs to respect that.

By setting and sticking to the guidelines and boundaries you have established, you are showing both your mother and your children that ultimately you & your husband are the parents, and your decision will be respected.

ok, I am a grandmother, so let me give you my point of view to help you understand your mother. I am pushing 50, I get up at 5 am during the week to go to work, and I am TIRED as heck, all the time. The weekends are my time to get chores done, and catch up on my sleep. I have a 6 1/2 yr old grandson. I love him dearly, but having him visit can wear me out sometimes. You are younger and have the diligence and patience that is required of you, being the mom. But being the grandma isn't all fun & games for us. Overnights mean we have to stop our routine, cook special foods, discipline, bathe, monitor the tooth brushing, and for some of us, the grandchild won't sleep in his own bed when he visits, so that kicks out grandpa, and grandma has a kicking, flopping 6 yr old shoved right up against them, with his knees in her back. We can't get many chores done because they want to play games, won't go outside unless we go with them, wants us to watch sponge bob & the disney channel instead of Nip Tuck or The Bachelor. Im just saying, having your grandchild visit isn't all fun and glory, it can be very disrupting to our norm, so to speak. And although we love them dearly, it's a physical and mental strain at times. I cannot even fathom having 2 grandkids visit at the same time, especially if one is only 2 years old. The 2 year old should probably only come for day visits. And lets not forget the importance of 1 on 1 time for each child. They need their own relationship with grandma. 6 yr olds need a break from 2 yr olds too. Are you perhaps being just a LITTLE bit selfish because you want time to yourself with NO kids??? Your children need their separate times, their separate identities. Don't dictate when they can or can't see your mother. Your mother is being nice enough to babysit for you, it should be on her terms. I would never let my son or daughter in law tell ME how long their child will stay at MY house. You shouldn't either.

I am a 63 yr. old grandmother of 6 -two grandkids in each of my 3 children's families. I love each grandchild DEARLY and try to see all of them at least every other week (its usually more often that that! For grandparents to keep a child overnight is difficult and REALLY hard to keep two at once when they are much younger than 6 & 4. What I do is let one child spend the night or an afternoon and then keep the other one within the week for the same amount of time. To keep both of your children at one time does not allow the grandparents to have that wonderful one-on-one time with each child that is so precious. Also, you are doing your older child a disservice if he is never allowed to do or go anywhere without his baby sibling tagging along. What are you going to do when the older goes off to school - the younger child should have already had experiences without the big brother before he encounters that separation of an entire morning or day! Please don't deny your children or your mother the pleasure of spending valuable time together.

I agree with you. The boys need to be kept together. I have two boys that are close in age and didn't like to be seperated either when they were young (they are now 8 and 9). In my case it was just as easy to watch one as it was to watch the two since they playrf well together and could entertain each other. My younger son would't want to go if his older brother was not with him so he would never get a chance to see g-ma if they went seperatly. At that age my kids took comfort in being together and I see no problem with that.

My Father in law's girlfriend took my older son to the museum and mall a couple of times when he was 3 to 4 years and never wanted to take the younger one. He was always too little even though she took the older one at that age. She is no longer in the picture and hasn't been for years but the younger son still remembers that she favored the older one.

B.,I think that you are being selfish as far as being understanding where your mother is coming from. My goodness, if I were a grandmother who worked 7 days a week I'd probably never keep them overnight. The woman is obviously a hard worker and does not want the responsibility of an over-active 2 year old who is not yet potty trained, which would mean changing diapers. You are blessed that she will take the 4 year old off of your hands for a couple of days. If you want to be completely free of children during those days then ask a friend or another relative to babysit. Don't be angry with your mother for making that choice when it comes to "your children". I had a similar situation with my God-daughters 3 of them, the older two were great to have around and care for but the youngest was totally rotten and cried constantly for no reason. When I finally put my foot down and told their mom that I would only keep the older two from now on she told me that if they all couldn't come neither could come, so guess what, I've never kept them overnight since. That was my choice. A lot of parents don't understand that people don't have the same level of tolerance for their children that they have and you really shouldn't expect people too. Additionally, you and your mom should mend fences life is too short for divisions and hatred, you both are losing precious time that at some point you may want and can never get back.

I think that you are blessed to have a mom at all. mine died before my son was born! and that she wants to spend time with your kids even though she works so much! and I am sure when your 2yo is 4 then she will take that one too although it may be on alternate weeks! your mom is a loving member of their extended family, not a daycare center that you can drop the kids off at any time. I think that you are being a little selfish and not being greatful for the wonderful mom that you have. I don't think that you realize that you are being selfish, I just don't think that you have looked at this from your mom's point of view. If it were me(and I am old enough to be a grandma) your resentment would deter me from taking the oldest one , it would not push me to take the youngest one with the oldest.
my best friend has 2 grandchildren. her son and daughter in law try to force the baby on her whenever day care is closed. She finally told them that she works 2 jobs and she has raised her kids, she will help out when she can and she loves her grandkids, but she is not going to allow a guilt trip to force her to watch them any time that her son and daughter in law decide that she should! they realized how blessed they were to have her close by and willing to watch them at all (the dil's parents live in mexico!). so the moral of the story ...be greatful for what you have, if you ask me you are blessed with the mom that you have!

Honestly, I do no believe you are being fair to your mom. This poor woman works 7 days a week and is only trying to spend some time with her grandchildren one at a time. The oldest is much less work for her than a two year old so of course at this point that would be the child of choice. It is also a good idea to start separating the boys and let them be their own person. You do not want them to be totally dependent on each other. Give your mother a break and let her have quality time with her grandchildren. You will also find that spending quality time with one child while the other is at grandma's has it's rewards too.

Let the 4 year old go with his grandmother. You know that a two year old is a lot of work. Is the two year old potty trained? If you were working 24/7 could you care for a 2 and 4 year old? Ask yourself some questions. Be fair. Sounds like to me you want a break for both of your children but for this you must wait a few more years. Take advantage of what you have and let Grandma build a relationship with the 4 year old. I love my grandchildren but I could not cope with both of them until they got older now I keep them every summer for at least 2 weeks. My Children would not let me keep them both until they were potty trained and talking well. Good luck and Love you Momma she will always be there.

Read or listen to Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a great book. You're the parent of your children, you have the say on what they get to do. If she doesn't want both at the same time that is fine, it is her home. You both have boundaries/limits that need to be respected by the other person. Based on the info. you gave in your post, you both have boundary issues.

I'm a stay at home mom to 3 and so I know that mom's need a break every once in a while. I really think that in this situation, you should let the 4 yr old go alone. You may not realize it now since you're right in the middle of it, but a 2 yr old is much more difficult to take care of than a 4 yr old. I really think you should use it as a bonding time with your 2 yr old. My 9 yr old doesn't get to do everything my 11 yr old gets to do. She doesn't always like it, but it's just part of life. And her younger sister doesn't get to do everything she gets to do either. Over the years she has learned to accept it.

If your mother is playing favorites then by no means should you give in, but if she's offering to handle them one at a time or even when the 2 yr old gets a little older, then I think you should let her.

I imagine that your boys are really close but look at this situation as a test run for when your oldest starts school--what will the youngest do at this separation without some practice? Also, being a grandmother, I can identify with being "out of practice" so handling one child (and lavishing that one with LOTS of attention) is not as difficult as taking care of two. Also, a 4-yo is easier to reason with where a 2-yo pretty much has to be chased after constantly. Also, you said she is taking the child to work with her--even if it is her own business she has to be able to do her job--watching two children will not allow her to do that. Down the road,when your boys are older, you will see how this was a wonderful opportunity for each of the boys to get one-on-one attention which most children crave. So give your mom a little slack, be patient and when your younger son is a little older and more reasonable and less nomadic, he will probably have both his opportunity for grannie's one-on-one visit and then both boys may be able to go together on occasions also. Try to be happy that your mom really wants to be a part of the boys' lives as there are many out there who don't care enough to do so! Barb D.

Hi B.-

I know it's frustrating but it can be hard to handle 2 small boys at one time especially for an older person who isn't around children all day long like us! I would suggest that you encourage them to go separately so that your boys can have special one on one time with Grandma and then the one that is at home with you can have special time with Mommy snd Daddy. Once the boys are a little older I'm sure your mother will be better able to handle both children at once.

Good Luck!

Hi B. I can tell you my moms side to this cause she is going through it with my sister. My sister says it isnt fair that one goes and the other doesnt even though my mother has told her that the next day she will swop out the boys. My sister wouldnt go for it. My mom is hurt because she wants to build individual bonds with her grandsons but not getting them one on one she doesnt see it happening. Boys too need that one on one time. Not always having to have their younger sibling following them everywhere they go. They need to know that there are some things they can do with grandma without the other one tagging along. Now if the younger one wont stay with out his older brother then your mom needds to make arrangements to bring him back home by bedtime. Hope this helps.

I have a 4-year old daughter and a 15-month old boy. My daughter is the first and oldest of all of the grandchildren and my mother is constantly telling everyone in the family that she is the favorite. My mother will make the drive to pick up my daughter from Friday to Sunday but will not let my son go because he is 'difficult'. My son spends all weekend checking rooms in the house for his sister and becomes abnormally clingy to me. My mother and I have not spoken several times for weeks at a time since she insists on doing this and claims I am trying to keep her granddaughter away from her when I've had it with the favoritism. I guess all you can do it make the trip over to her yourself like I do once in awhile with both children and kind of force her to pay attention to how they interact and play so well together.

Yes, you and your husband are the parents and should be the ones deciding who goes when and where, I agree with you :). I can see your mother's point though. I know if I worked 7 days a week it would be very hard to handle two little boys, esp with one of them being a two year old! The 2 year old is probably not old enough to spend the night anyway, I'm sure when he is a little older and easier to care for, he will be ready to go and stay too and she will welcome it. Plus its good for each child to have some separate, special time, with their grandparents.

Besides, if your boys spend every waking minute together, it might be good for them to have some individual attention.

Try to remember, your mom isnt your age, so it isn't going to be as easy for her to chase around two little boys as it is for you.

edit: i just read your reply about your fears. i have similar fears about my moms house. the biggest one is she smokes, and she smokes in the house. that and her house is just a disaster from having grandkids over all the time and big dogs inside. i dont' know how to tell her that I don't want her smoking around my baby but I know I have to do it, same way you should tell your mom the fears you have when you send your kids to her house.

I know how you feel, it took me a little bit but I eventually let my oldest go with Grandma and it turned out really nice. Siblings love each other but they don't always need to be together 24/7. When they get older, they will not be together 24/7. The 4 year old is getting ready to start school and the 2 year old won't go for a few more years. They will already begin that time apart to help them become more independent and allow them to discover themselves and who they are. You should start that time away now to help the 2 year old understand that he can't always go when brother goes. It will help the transition when the 4 yr old starts school. When the second child is older and sees that older brother goes to Grandma's by himself and comes home happy because he had fun, the little one will then go by himself just to see what the fun is. That will be his "Grandma time". Then they will start alternating and when they are both old enough usually school age your Mom might be able to take them both to work with her. Right now it is a little hard to accept that she can only take the older one but you know a 2 year old is not going sit still for 8 hours; they are too busy, too interested in everything, they are learning. They require a lot more attention than a 4 year old. If you have to work you can't chase a 2 year old around and expect to get your job done so I see where your Mom is coming from. Sometimes you have to let things play out and see how it works for you. Hope this helps...
Good Luck!

I have a 10 yr. old girl and a 7 year old boy. My mother and I let my daughter spend the night alone with her until my boy was about 4 or 5. He didn't want to spend the night and although he missed her when she was gone, it was good for both of them. My daughter got some one on one time with a caring adult and my husband and I got to have one on one with our youngest. It was great because he never got to be an only child. Now, they both go over to her house every weekend that is possible. It's easier on her because they are older and they love it. I hope this helps.

Personally if it were me..I did not let my kids go by themselves anywhere I did not think they would be properly supervised.....including relatives.

I went with them...even if I spent the night. I planned doing it on weekends occassionally - a couple of times a year other than holidays.

I also made sure my kids had done things like swimming lessons, basic safety stuff such a show to call 911 by themselves, etc.

And...yea it is your decision and ulitimately you who will be dealing with it. It would be your child with brain trauma, lost limb or anything else that can happen when a small child gets hurt on things like farm equipment. So you have to make a decision you can live with. ;-)

Hng in there. I am sure you can find a compromise.

I enjoy one-on-one time with my grandkids. My daughter in Nevada has three, and when the oldest was old enough to fly alone, he came out here by himself. A few years later, he flew out with his sister. The youngest one has never been here alone. We also have two grandkids a couple of miles from us. Just yesterday, the 5 year old wanted to come over and stay with me during the day. She enjoys the full attention of her grandma, and it's easier to give all my attention to one. It makes her feel grown up and special. ON other days, her brother may come over alone. I can certainly understand what you're saying, but I think it's important for the kids to get their own special time with grandma, AND it gives you time alone with the one who stays at home. It ends up being a win-win situation all the way around.

J.
www.prepareandsucceed.com

HI,

I decided to reply to your message because my mother and I have NEVER gotten along until recently. I had twins (1 boy 1 girl)last November ('07). She has been a HUGE help and I have therefore became more loving towards her. I was raised as an only child and hated it. Parents were separated when I was very young - I met my stepmother when I was three. Out of spite my mother moved us to Atlanta where we had no family and I rebelled. I was a rebellious teenager and my mom was no push-over; we fought like cats and dogs. I left home as SOON as I graduated high school to be close to family. Then had family close but I left all my friends!! I have been so bitter from the memories of my tough love upbringing that I have went months without speaking to my mother and years without the urge to even check on her. My mother had to force her way back into my life. Many people would talk to me about changing my ways with her but I was stuck! But before I knew it, God brought us together and now I look forward to her phone calls (but I can't tell her that). Now I have 4 children and a step-son. She may take two at a time or just request my oldest girl or just want the twins. However she decides to help is just what it is HELP. I don't look at her as being selfish or being mean to the ones that stay home. Everyone has their turn. So as long as your mother is not just ignoring the baby, let her help. She might feel like her older grandson is more mature and therefore she can stand to have him around more. But the other one will get older and they will have a good relationship too. I do not know your mother, but I do know that us daughter have to become more appreciative to our mothers. More understanding and positively more loving. You even said the two yr old won't stay long by himself. It is because grandma don't play games! And grandma knows that. She knows her tolerance level. So she is going with what she knows. And she just does not see why you can't understand her tolerance level. But she loves them the same.
Take Care.

I have three children,4,7,and 11 and they love spending time with their grandmother. I believe it is very healthy for one child to spend quality time with their grandparent. It might be too much of an effort for your mother-in-law to take care of both. It really does not leave any special time for anyone. Also, I think it would be hard to take a two year to work. When your 2 year old gets older, he will get his own quality time and really get to know his grandmother better. Grandparents are not just our babysitters but can be our children's friends and mentors too.

I guess I see it from a different point of view. You're lucky that your mother wants to take either one of them at all. It's hard enough taking care of a 4 year by themselves. There will come a time when she will take both but it will probably be sometimes after their toddler years. It's admirable that your mother works 7 days a week and still has time for her grandchildren. Be grateful and patient. I wouldn't burn this bridge because there will come a time when you really need her. Your children will survive being separated for a few days. I would try to see things from her perspective.

REPLY TO RESPONSE

I'm not understanding why you would insist that both children go at the same time if you have safety/trust issues about them to begin with. I would think the 2 year-old would be the most at risk. I'm not understanding your logic about sending both. Is it more about you wanting to take a break and less about your mother being selfish with her time?

First of all, you would be amazed at how many of us do not get along with our Mothers! Sadly, it usually means we are just like them!

I too am a stay-at-home Mom with stairsteps aged 2,4,and 6.

What I am getting from the situation is that you are not really frustrated that your Mother doesn't want to take your 2 year-old, YOU just NEED a break from BOTH kids at the same time. What you need is a babysitter. The old-fashioned kind that you have to pay. Find someone who will be really nice to your two-year old so he is getting a "date" like brother, and you and your husband go out...you should try for once a week. Also get involved in a MOMs Club locally, it will give you some adults to relate to and keep your kids busy with other kids so you can visit some. Momsclub.org will help you find your local branch...some aren't listed, so e-mail me if you can't find yours.

I agree with other posters that you are lucky to have her take your children at all. My in-laws won't take the kids at all, they say they are too old and too tired to deal with little ones. I know if I wanted to drop off my 4 and 6 year old that would be fine, but lets not kid ourselves, two-year olds are a huge challenge. I also think it it is good for both kids to have a break from each other on occassion. Just make sure that your Mother develops a relationship with the little one too, but be sensitive to her age and the fact that work has to tire her out more than the average person.

Hi B.,
I have a suggestion that might help. I believe in age appropriate activities. Do you? If you do you can approach it like this. As far as the two year old, he doesn't even know what is happening and doesn't even understand. Your four year old needs to be able to expand his horizons. Your mom wants to be a part of their lives right? She is not neglecting your two year old is she? I would suggest Start by letting her take your t.y.o. for activities by himself so that he gets a liitle more used to her. In the meantime turn that time into mommy and me time with the your 4 y.o. and vice versa. As far as this go around try to lock your mom in on a time she can take the little guy and you and your husband and 4 y.o. can do something together or just you and your 4 y.o. I have had experience in this and I turned it into date night with each child. I cherish the time because we share one on one time and that converts into valuable connection as they grow older and especially into their teen years. Inevitably they will have to hang with kids their own age anyway and this is time with a family member that's willing and wanting to do this even though she works so much. Try to give it a shot. YOu would be amazed at how quickly kids can adapt to these types of things. Besides no one said it has to happen all the time.
Hope this helps.
MM

sorry to hear that you mom is driving you crazy. with the question that i would ask ... have you ever thought about asking why she always want to take her oldest grandson with her to work and not her youngest? that would be the first thing that i would ask. yes knowing the you have an older child there is always a reason. i have a older child but he not ready to do things like my youngest and yes i love having them together all the time!!!! more than you may know. my boys are 14 and 12 and i will tell you from the experience that are handful at the age that they are now. boy i can remember those days like yesterday LOL and i did not have anyone to help me out at all. it is important to keep them together more than you know but at the age that they are at now they need one another so they can help each other out. i see that you 2 year old feels left out without brother and wants to be able to be apart of something so whenever he
comes back from your mom's do something together as a family or have his brother do something together so he does not feel left out. one thing that i have learn when one of my children go with my parent either one i always make sure the then other son does somethings really fun with me rather it and movie or ice cream or whatever it just me and him. and when he get back from my parents well they talk what they and we talk about we did and amen to that and we move on but the important is we had fun and both of my children did something and then they got to see each again and talk about what they did instead of being unhappy. i guess what i am saying is that by cheering him up at the moment you other one is gone in the moment, until the come back together again the stress for you will not be so high, and when they see each they can talk about what they did and maybe things between your mother and you could be diffrent. i will tell it going to be hard at first because they are used to being together all the time, but i think that over time it will get better and you will not be a stress.

i hope this will help.
i still go through this once in awhile with other thing, so i feel you pain.... it still a battle even when you kids older.

I think we are all going to have to agree to disagree on this one. The 2 year old knows he's being left behind, and its only going to get worse. This was constantly happening to my middle child, everyone wanted to take my oldest and my youngest, but never him (everyone except my mother). It got to a point to where I put a stop to it, because it upset me and it upset him. My kids ARE a package deal. My mother-in-law was so blatant about it that I don't even go over there anymore. I know your two year old is a handful right now, but I wouldn't let your mom do it either. Luckily my mother has never even tried to only take one. That's why, even though she annoys me beyond belief sometimes, I call her first when I need someone. She knows its the equivelent of picking a favorite. Good luck on this one.

B.,

My husband and I are raising our three children. Ages, 17, 17, and 16. There were many times we were faced with decisions allowing special situations for one or all three. As you can imagine as their mother I struggled with one of them "feeling more special" than the other at any give time. Than I realized they are all special and should feel that way and it didn't have to be at the same time. Life as you know does not always work that way. We have experienced...the sleep over stage, "boyfriends and girlfriends", dying their hair and finally driving...yikes. Age does give them some "special treatment".

Special times with Grandma can be individual. As they got older, ours spent a week each alone with their Grandparents that lived in another commuity. They still compare stories and pictures, and laugh at the fun times they had with them. Their Grandmother even recorded the visits with photo albums she sent home each time.

As your two year old ages and he realizes the visits with Grandma are special he will be less apprehensive, and want to experience that time as well. For now, I would suggest the 4 year old "as the big brother" be given his special time. His oportunity to be loved and treated special by Grandma. The 2 year old in a very short time will catch up! LOL!! Trust me it doesn't take long.

Good luck and congratuations or loving them both so much, you want to protect them always.

I am not taking sides here at all. I know how hard mother/daughter relationships can be. My mom and I do get along more times then not, and she too will only take the oldest one when it will only be one parent. My dad is at home too, but if my mom is working and dad is home then the oldest (just turned 5 this week)will stay with him, and if they are both around then both of them will stay out at my parents house. It is hard for them to take care of both kids, and especially the younger one (2 year old) when there is just one parent. We all know that it is easier for them to take care of the easier child, and they forget the work that they too had to put into making that child the easier one. I do agree that you are the parent and you get to decide, but if you aren't willing to try and let the younger one go out to grandma's on his own then that is something that you need to explain to him and not your mother. My youngest has tried having an over night with my parents, and the first time I came out and picked him up because he didn't like being away from home. (Did I mention that my parents live an hour away?) The second time was a little better because after 30 minutes of crying he did end up spending the night, and now he has little to know problem. You have to put the work in if you want it to work.

B. -

Wow, you've gotten a lot of good responses. And numerous perspectives. I hope you don't mind if I throw mine in the hat too.

First off - i totally relate - NO ONE can make me batty like my Mom can. With you on that one. But I made up my mind long ago that my children would not be pawns in my relationship with my parents or in-laws. I have seen this happen and it always is a lose-lose.

I believe it is the parent's responsibility to aid in developing and nurturing the relationships in their child's life. And some of the most important of those relationships is the one with their grandparents. My parents live 8 hours away and my in-laws are 45 minutes away. I actively nurture the relationship all 3 of my kids have with these important adults in their lives.

My kids and I talk about my parents. In loving and fun terms. We speak to them on the phone. They exchange mail. Then when we do go home to visit them - my kids are thrilled to see them and comfortable spending time with them.

Each child visits with them individually during the summer, spring break and certain holidays. Not because my parents can't handle them together but so my kids have this opportunity to build their own individual SPECIAL relationship w/ my Mom & Dad. They get all 3 together when we go home as a family & when they come here to visit us.

With my in-laws, I also nurture this relationship. And although I detect a slight preference from my MIL to one of my kids(one of my kids is special needs & is named for her) This preference has never been blatant & I choose to ignore it.

But my in-laws can only handle one kiddo at a time. Mine are 9, 6 & 4. And it has always been this way - regardless of the age of my kids. There are evenings when the hubby and I have a meeting or such and they will watch all three for a few hours. When we do go get them - they are visibly exhausted.

It is wonderful that your boys obviously adore each other. Good for you in nurturing that relationship.

We are also charged with raising our children toward independence and not dependance. And that lesson does not start when they are 18. Overnights with Grandma on their own is a great way to start giving them their wings.

When the little one is older, he will have his turn too. If you have to - look at it this way - the 4 yr old had you all to himself for two years before brother was born. If nothing else - this evens out mommy time for the baby.

And if in fact, you are like me in that you would like to have some serious Mommy time, when one is with the Grandma, Send the other with an Aunt, Uncle, Baby sitter or another trusted caregiver.

You do have control over where your kids go and with whom. Absolutely! Just remember to excercise that control with loving care for all involved - including YOU!

Wishing you the very best!
t

I can't imagine having a 4 or a 2 y.o. w/ me while I'm working - let alone both. I think a grandparent / grandchild relationship is very important, and it seems that you are punishing your 4 y.o. If your children are together "24/7", they could probably use some alone time. I pray that your mom will be around for many more years to come; however, our years on Earth are numbered. Let your 4 y.o. go and have fun w/ grandma, then when you feel your 2 y.o. is old enough to go on his own - let him go, and they can take turns going. (And i'm not a grandmother - I'm a mother of 9 y.o. and 6 y.o. girls. I know all about "but, it's not fair - she gets too, why can't I. Thankfully, I really don't think your 2 y.o. is at that stage yet.)

Maybe you should respect your mothers preferences. My mother will only take one of my children at a time- because she is nervous that she wouldn't be able to handle both and something might happen. I think it is great that my children go one at a time to her. It means they get her undivided attention. Don't they deserve that?

B.--I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I am a grandmother of two, ages 4 and 3, and I keep both of them sometimes, but I don't work. Your mother at least expresses an interest in her grandsons and wants to spend time with them. It seems that you are saying "Our way or no way!" That's not a very mature or understanding attitude. If your little one won't go by himself, perhaps he just needs a little time to mature. If he sees his older brother going and having a great time with Grandma, perhaps he'll want to have that time with her, too. Anyway, having one of your boys at home by himself will give you an opportunity to spend quality time with him that is not possible when you're having to divide your attention between the two boys. Try to think about this from your Mom's perspective. It isn't that she doesn't want the two boys--she doesn't think she can care for them properly if both of them are there. Think about it. It takes a LOT of energy to keep up with two kids under 5!

Time spent with grandparents is very special.
I have 2 children, 4 years apart. The older spent every Friday night, since he was 4, with his grandparents 15 minutes away. As my daughter got older, she noticed that he was gone on those nights and wanted to go,too. Her grandparents told her when she was 3, she could start to spend the night--forgot to mentioned that they would get her once a week, during the day for a few hours. When she was 3, after her party (which was at home), she disappeared, when she reappeared, she was dragging a packed suitcase behind her, and informed her grandparents that she was 3 and she was ready to go. If course they could not turn her down.
Then it was my son's turn to notice that he did not get to stay every Friday night with his grandparents, that he only got to go every other weekend, because his sister went on the weekends he did not. He adjusted to this.
Both of them spent special time with their grandparents that never can be replaced.
Their other set of grandparents live an hour away. My children had thier special time during the summer. When old enough, my son would stay for 2 weeks for swimming lessons, and my daughter would stay on a different date for several days, so they each got to have the individual attention. (Oh, I forgot to mention that my son is very laid back, and my daughter is very active.) When they both were old enough to take swimming lessons, they both went the same 2 weeks, and they were okay with that.
I hope this helps in seeing the side that your parent is presenting...while the older one is with his grandparent, you can do special things with the younger child (and when your younger one reaches the age of 4, then they can have alternating time)...and soon your older one may be attending school and the younger one will be at home.

Of course you have the right, as well as the responsibility, to say where your kids go. Don't let your mother put you on a guilt trip. It sounds as if she's too busy to properly care for even one child anyway. Tell her politely that you don't want to impose, and that it would work out best if the boys grew up a bit before staying with her. If she protests, just keep saying the same thing, with the same polite tone. She'll drop it soon.

I have four children, all two years apart and know both ends of this spectrum. My mother-in-law will take all four gladly, which comes in handy if my husband and I want to take a trip, etc. but it overwelms my mom to have all of them, and sometimes even two of them. At first I was somewhat offended by this. I think the girls are good kids, not too hard to look after, and when one is going to Grammy's, of course they would all like to go. But what I found is that by sending one, they get a lot of special attention and it is good for them to be away from their siblings from time to time. My youngest wouldn't go by herself at first either, but she will now. I would suggest trying to understand her side, especially because of the job situation and know we can't always understand what someone else is feeling, but try to respect it just the same. And before you know it, your little two year old will be old enough to go by himself, and he'll get some of that special time as well. If her job situation changes, maybe she'll welcome taking both of them more often. I hope you both are able to come to a compromise on this quickly. I don't always agree with my mom but I wouldn't trade the relationship she has with my girls, even if it didn't always go the way I thought it should.

When my daughter was born, I was 19. Still lived at home. My mother thought that since I was so young that she would call the shots when it came to my daughter. My daughter and I moved out and she has let me make my decisions ever since. You just have to stick to it and she will cave eventually. Of course, you know your mother more than I do, but when she calls asking for your oldest, just remind her how you feel without getting angry. I know that will be hard to do especially since the 2 of you had this conversaion b4, it may be awkard. Just act like this is the first time. Say it like this, "Oh, that'll be great, but you know how his little brother is. I'll tell you what, let me know when you can get a couple of days off and I'll send them over for the weekend." Her work schedule may never allow it, but I bet she can call in sick or something. In other words, this is just an example of how you can get the ball back in your court and polietey remind her that you are their mother, not her. Good Luck...T.

Hi,
Just some food for thought, I agree with your mom in wanting to take the 4 year old "right now" and the reason why is because its a bonus for both of you. She gets to spend quality time with him and you get to spend some quality time with your youngest son. The boys should never be a "package" deal because they are both individuals and both deserve "individual" time. When the younger one is a little bit older, I'm sure your mom would love to have them both and also will want to spend some one on one "grandma" time with the younger one as well. Please try to be more "open" with your mom and I bet down the road, you all will be happier for it. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I think its a simple solution and makes perfect sense. (K.- mom of 8)

You have received some good advice. Your mother isn't being difficult. She has limitations.
Your four-year-old can have special time with her and you can make that your special time with your two-year-old. I'm an older grandmother and keep a watchful eye when tending my grandson. We have a great time together.
Also, be sure you don't over-extend your child's time with his grandmother. Both get tired.
Far better to have them want more time than to wish it were over.
This is a busy time of life for you but such a special time. May you enjoy your children and appreciate your also-busy mother who wants to share one-on-one. Time will come when your younger child will have a turn too.
Happy visiting! M. T

What are you going to do when the oldest goes to school? Just because they are brothers doesn't mean they have to do everything together. You need to encourage them to have their own friends and experiences. I have 4 sons and 2 daughters and they are all very different in personality and interests. If you continue to insist they always do everything together the oldest will soon start to resent this and that will cause real problems. Please let them be themselves.

they are separate people. maybe when your youngest is older he wont mind spending time with grandma without his brother around. I dont think she is being unreasonable. maybe when they are both older she wont mind having both of them. I think right now the impt thing is that they spend time with her! grandmas are very impt and special to have in our lives. You never know how long grandma will be around so any time with her is precious!

I'm sorry about your relationship with your mom. I think that closeness it seems everyone else has is probably more rare than common. Reality is, though, that we can't make other people do what we want or even what we think they should do. Shoot, sometimes we can't even make them do what they admit themselves they should do! I agree that they are your children, but how I see that is that means you are responsible for them 24/7 excepting for the kindness of someone who offers to take one or both of them for short periods of time. Now this is Grandma, so she shouldn't be playing favorites, but assuming she isn't, since she is the one doing the favor I think she gets to call the shots. If the 2-yr-old won't stay there by himself, maybe he needs more time to mature before going places without you. Parenting is a huge, huge, job, and I'm sorry you don't feel you have your parents' support. Maybe you can accomplish that with your boys and in the process help things go better with your own parents.

I would suggest that you let your oldest go with his grandparents. That relationship is so very important to our children and our parents won't be around forever. My mother and I do not have a good relationship either, so know how you feel. After 4 children and many issues, we hAve learned that as we get older we have less patience. I have a 20 year old who stayed with my parents for 60 days once when he was only 4 and then my now 13 year old only was able to stay with them for short visits every time they were in town (my parents are winter Texans and split there time between Texas & Arizona). They would never take both boys as once, it was considered a prvilege to go to grandmas and special on on one time with each child. Then 2 more kids and we recently went thru this during the holidays my 6 year old and 3 year old - they could only take one at a time and my 3 year old wouldn't stay by herself, but you know the time apart is really good for them and when your younger child is older they can have the same privelege of staying with grandma. Make it a reward. Also, what I learned is that I could have some real quality time with the child who stayed behind. All of my children love their grandparents and they all value the time they have spent with them, and even with the issues and arguments we had about it, I am so blessed that my children were able to spend any time with them at all.

Good Luck
L.