On Teens: Your Tips Worked for a While, Then It All Resurfaced. I Have an Idea.

Hi S.:
You made the mistake of listening to those who believe in raising their children with an (Iron Fist)The reason your son went back to his old ways,is because he learned nothing by the extreme actions you took. The only reason he was A (Little Angel) for that short time,is because that was the amount of time it took to get his STUFF BACK.I'll never understand,why some individuals,are so desperate,that they don't care how they get something,just so long as they get it! Respect,is earned,and Love comes naturally,for those patient enough to wait. If you want any relationship to be meaningful,and sincere,you don't DEMAND someone feel that way towards you.Just as you can't force someone to fall head over heels in love with you. You want them to feel it from the heart.You can't make your son respect you.Even if you were the type to beat it out of him,you still would fail.As His true feelings,would be that of fear and resentment. You won't teach your son,how to be responsible,or respectful,by taking away everything he holds precious.You won't gain his respect by taking away A door,and depriving him of any privacy in his life.Stripping a child of all this,only tells him,that he's still A child in your eyes,and that you remain in complete and total control of his life.However miserable he may regard it."Ok so I'll kiss her butt,for a couple months,till I can get my stuff back" That shouldn't be what your goal is here.You want him to have some responsibilities,and learn that if he doesn't follow through,that there are consequences. You don't have to make his life miserable,you don't have to rant and rave.You don't even have to be the bad guy here.If you handle it correctly,he will blame only himself,for his short-comings.You calmly sit down with a reasonable list of chores,then ask him if he feels its to much to ask. He will say NO. It looks very simple on paper.Ok "Now the consequences if you don't follow through" Cut computer time,for a day. "sound fair to you? "Yeah I guess" Second time,he doesn't follow through,one day without phone."Is that fair? "No,but ok" After he assists and agrees to the terms,his neglect to follow through,will be entirely on his shoulders.He didn't do his chores,he's aware now of what the consequences are, He will not be shocked,when he loses a privilege and he has only himself to blame for not following through with the agreement made.You don't even have to squabble about it.Merely hold up the agreement he made with you.There is no weakness, in showing him compassion,or some diplomacy on those days,it can't be prevented.Your his mother not his drill Sergeant.I hope this helps a little.I wish you and your growing son the best.J. M

Okay I don't have a teen... but with my kids, I have found that teaching a child what "reciprocate" & "reciprocation" means is invaluable... and it has to be demonstrated.
I also tell my eldest child these words in conjunction with the word "compromise" (which I taught her at 2 yrs. old), and it makes a difference.
I also teach my daughter that "you come from a good family that loves you... each time you think I am your nagging Mom, think about how you are loved each day... then see HOW you want to act in return..." Then, I leave her be and let her think about that. I 'teach' her that her actions is a CHOICE... and SHE chooses it. If her choice results in something she dislikes...then she can choose something else to be or do.

I always emphasize "team work" to my kids... and that they come from a good family that loves them... and so they need to act 'responsibly' and respectfully.... to have honor.

Anyway, well I know it's not easy.... but I found these things to help my kids...and their formation of their attitudes and actions.

All the best,
Susan

How about a reward system rather than a punishment system? Of course there will still be the natural consequences of stuff like no e-games until HW is done, but try this... next time he wants a new video game/ipod song/money for pizza/whatever, he has to EARN it first (as opposed to getting it, and then taking it away).

I also really like the idea of sitting down together and having him agree to the contract--my mom did this with her 3 girls and it was good.

And, from a HS teacher's perspective... feel free to require him to keep a calendar/planner where he writes down all HW and upcoming dates like tests and such. Check his planner frequently in the week to make sure he is studying and doing HW. And call/email his teachers to check in on him too. This way you are being proactive rather than reactive.

i like julies answer (ill have to remember that for when my 2 year old is a teen haha).
what i think you need to do is sit with your husband and talk about the basic ground rules and chores that are to be done. then make a chart with a space for each of your children. on each day they will have specific things to do (and since your at home you can monitor these things). so say monday your son has to straighten up his room, take out the trash, do his homework and study for any tests. then once he completes that then reward him with a couple hours on his video games, internet etc. use this for all your kids to help them also stay on tract. this way they will all know what is expected of them.
i hope this helps good luck!

Hi S., I'm going to share a family's story with you, it doesn't matter who they are, what matters is what they did worked. It sounds to me that you and your husband haven't established in your home who is in charge and who isn't, so he's not taking you serriously. They used grounding, during the day, if for some reason he had no school, they took him to daycare, at 15, if he left the house while he was grounded, they called the police and reported him as a runaway, these were good parents with a good marriage, he just got caught up with the crowd, you maybe saying to yourself that is to exstreame, to harsh, but this is after they had tried everything else they could think of including getting him counceling, none of it worked, but with this exstream he realized that they weren't joking, and that they are the ones in charge. They moved out of San Diego after retirment, but last i heard he was doing good, this was 9 years ago, todays parenting is very different, and that maybe why so many family's are having behavioural problems with there kids, starting as young as befoe 2. Hope this helps, if this is to exstreame for you, I pray you find something that does work for you and your son. J. L.