Question for Moms of 4 and More Kiddos

I have 5 kiddos and yes it is tiring, but as most other responders mentioned, you HAVE to give yourself some time. And your hubby!

The part that stood out to me was the "my other kids will suffer" comment...

If by suffer you mean, They will learn patience, flexibility, sacrifice, self-less-ness, generosity, unconditional love, team work, and a "family first" mentality,... then I'd say let 'em suffer! :)

Our 4th has multiple disabilities - we didnt't know until she was a few months old, but I rememeber having some of those same thoughts you are having and then her complications on top of that... whoa!

Now, my kids are 19,17, 13, 11 and 8 and they are sooo amazing! Not perfect by any means, but to see the things they learned from being in a large family I wouldn't trade one nights sleep for it!!

the trick is:

don't give it all you've got!!!... because then theres nothing left for you!
take care of yourself first, you cant take care of four kids and a hubby if you're the one who's sick and tired.

dont ditch hubby to do kids stuff, let him know he is still number 1 in your life. happy marriage = happy family

make sure your kids are clean and fed. once youve mastered that you can move onto the next step, making sure their clothes match or that they are wearing shoes! etc.

take it one tiny step at a time and make sure hubby knows youre doing this or he might look at you weird!

chose your battles. if child number two doesnt want to wear a red shirt, who cares because baby needs a diaper change.

this is how i survive day to day.

the early stage is the hardest. but it is also the shortest! a gift from God in disguise!

good luck!

I'm pregnant with my 4th. My children, ages 11, 8, and 4 keep me busy. I've been a SAHM for 11 years now. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but yes, it has its ups and downs. You have to get to point where you need to evaluate your priorities. For me, having an immaculate house was a priority throughout my marriage...before I had my first baby. I continued to make attempts to keep my house the way I wanted it but it was often a struggle Then baby #2 came along and then baby #3 came along and I finally decided that it wasn't worth the aggravation I put myself through to make my house the "centerpiece" I had always maintained. No, I have not become a lazy slob since having more children, but I no longer put it first on my list of priorities. If the bathrooms get cleaned today, that's great. If not, I don't go to bed at night beating myself up or feeling inadequate because I didn't do "my job." Some things, often times, MANY things can wait. Enjoy your children while they are little/young. They don't stay this way forever. Structure your day so that your kiddos DO have a bedtime and stick to it so that there is a block of time for you and your husband in the evening. IF your husband is not sexually demanding, sometimes the BEST way to create intimacy (without sex, if you are too tired for it) is to turn off the TV and cuddle and talk. Finally, it is extremely important for you to have a block of time carved out just for you. If you're home all day with little children, you have no time for yourself during the day so that leaves the weekend. Even if it's an hour of "out of the house time," take advantage of it every now and then. And yes, it is equally important to spend quality time with your children individually and as an entire family. This does not have to happen daily but do carve out special times (maybe your children are old enough like mine to play games before bedtime...mine love Apples to Apples and Parcheesi), or if you live in area where there is a zoo, or a museum. These kinds of events don't have to take place all the time as we all know it's not practical as a larger family to do these kinds of things but it's important to do them, find the time. You're not a bad mom for wanting them in bed early. By the end of the day, I can't wait for their bedtime either. It doesn't make you a bad mom. Just a human mom who is tired and wanting some much needed peace and quiet. I can totally relate.

The short answer is I dunno, you just do it. Everyday is a new day and I just try to do the best I can to meet my goals each day and if I have an off day, there is always tomorrow to start fresh. At the beginning of every month, I set goals for the month for work and home and check where I am with ongoing goals. I try to spend 15 minutes per day 1:1 with each child and I give myself a check in my planner if I did so. That's an hour total and I don't meet that every day (I work FT and also have a 2nd part-time job so some days are busier than others) but overall, I can keep track of whether or not one child is consistently being short-changed and I will then focus specifically on that child. Much of my 1:1 time with my oldest is in the car on the way to and from hockey practice and games, my youngest gets 1:1 time because he is home from school first and with the two other kids, I need to make a conscious effort to find some time to spend with them.

As you know, those first years with young kids are the most demanding and you WON'T have balance. Sometimes hubby will come last, sometimes you will, sometimes one child or another will. That's OK as long as it's temporary. My youngest is now 5 and life has been so much easier since he's been 3 - that's just the nature of young children and you and hubby will have to buckle up and keep that in mind as you go through the roller coaster again.

Regarding 4 vs 3, I've always said that 1 kid is 1, 2 is 10, 3 is 100, and 4 is 101. Meaning that in my experience, there are exponential increases in the amount of work and stress from child 1 to 2, and again from 2 to 3, but after that, more is not that much more. At least some of your older kids should be fairly self-sufficient and can be a help to you with the new baby.

Be kind to yourself and forgiving of yourself, accept as much help as you can get, delegate, delegate, delegate and realize that in a big family, all of the love and attention isn't coming from the parents, it's coming from siblings as well. Remember to have fun! I am from a big family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just a trick on coming home:

DON'T.

INSTEAD: Bring a change of clothes to work with you in a bag/backpack. Stop somewhere VERY nearby home (coffeeshop, cafe, library, whatever). March into the bathroom. Wash your face, climb into "at home" clothes/ comfy hair & shoes (put your work clothes in the backpack). Reapply your makeup. Walk out and order a coffee/ lemonade/ cheese & crackers/ whatever. Read a book. Goof off on your laptop. WHATEVER you find relaxing. Stay for 20-30 minutes and come home RESTED AND RECHARGED with a big ole grin on your face.

You want to make sure you stop somewhere within 5 minutes of home. OTW you'll undo the "changing gears/ rest relaxation" by fighting traffic.

I have four kids. Think about "the kind of mom you won't to be". There can be a lot of fallacies in that statement. When you have four, you can not do everything for each child that you could do for two. You are one person who can do one thing at a time and be only one place at a time. I think my four are more independent than many who only have two because of this fact. I don't think that is bad. For example if I was getting the baby ready, I can't be dressing the older child. I am often amazed at how long mothers will do things for their child when the child can do it themselves. Another example - getting snacks ready for school. My fifth grader has classmates whose mother does this every morning. Mine has been doing this for years. He knows what is allowed for snacks. He picks and puts in his backpack morning & afternoon snack. If he forgets, oh well. He will learn to remember. He won't starve. There are times two kids have actinides at the same time. I vary which child's thing I go to and I explain I am going one place instead of the other. If they all think I am favoring another child. I am doing well! In general my kids are close. I love that. Doesn't mean they can't fight or intentionally get on each other's nerves. That's part of being siblings. I make sure no one is injured. Now my kids are 11, 14, 17, and 19. Despite the teenage stuff, it's so much easier coordinating only two kids schedule. Looking back I am not sure how I did it. I just did it. I wouldn't change it for anything. BTW I also work full time with a crazy schedule and my husband travels at least two weeks a month. You can do it too! Just be careful about your expectations. The house can be less clean. The kids can do things to help out. It won't be done exactly how you want, but that is not important. That it is done reasonably well is important.

It sounds as if you're tired! I wonder why! :^)

You're probably doing better than you think you are. But do yourself a favor, please, and talk with your doctor. You want to make sure there's nothing else getting you down. Being pregnant is fatiguing all by itself. But you know that.

If it helps you, quit reading magazines and books about parenting unless they're recommended by someone you really trust. And don't even come to this site too often. Too much information can keep you up nights.

You don't have to be a perfect mother! You just need to do the best you can. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, but when you meet a real-life mama (or grandma) whom you respect, pick those women's brains.

The best thing I read - and it was years ago - about a large family was a comment of a grown-up child: "There were ten of us kids, but with our parents I never felt like one of ten children. They made us feel as if we were ten 'only children.'"

You probably already know that the simpler your home routines can be, the less stress you'll have. So just do what you can. With four, everything takes more time, but you also get more efficient. Ask your husband what are the most important things to him - because you can't do everything - and concentrate on those. Take advantage of any opportunity for household help you can get - even if you can hire a high school student for an afternoon a week to catch up on what you couldn't get done.

Thank God every day (or twice or three times a day) for each person in your family. Be sure to SEE each child, and your husband, every day - don't just look at them, actually SEE them. Listen to them. Find the good things about each one of them - and about YOU! Change laughter from something you wish you could do - make it a top priority on your to-do list. Look for the funny things, the little things that can be overlooked when there are dishes in the sink. This all may sound silly, but it's a real way of taking care of yourself so you can take care of your family.

My four are grown up, and I regret my fatigue and short temper and wish I had done better. But I did the best I knew how. My children, in turn, are finding out now what it's like raising children!

Well, your pregnant right? I am too, and have two kids. I feel the same as you. I do a happy dance at bedtime, and my house is a mess! But, for some reason, after I have the baby I get a rush of edrenline and everything always has to be perfect and running smoothly. I think when you are pregnant, you dont have a lot of energy after taking care of the kids and yourself for much else. You'll do great, just try to stay organized, and you NEED to do stuff for yourself. My kids go to bed at 8pm, so after I put them to bed (when Im not pregnant) I go to the gym or out shopping with a friend. Right now when I put them to bed all I can do is lay on my big butt! You have to have you time for sure!

My family is BIG....my grandmother was one of 9. She had 4 kids when more than half of her siblings had 6+ kids. One thing that I've learned from them is that 1. mom isn't the center of a family...family is the center of family. You are a unit. Your kids will always want more than you can give, until they're crazy teenagers! They will bond with their siblings to help fill in the spots when you can't give them 100% of your attention. My grandmother talks about her parents like they were the best people who ever lived. The level of respect and love that she and all of her siblings hold for their mom and dad is because they have each other. There are so many things you could give your kids. Giving them the bond that's formed between siblings is the greatest gift you can give. It seems really cheesy but it is amazing to see the bond they have. There are 3 of them left and they've mourned the loss of each one together. They are in their 80's now but that closeness that they shared as kids is as strong as it was 80 years ago! Looking at your baby for the first time and loving them for that first moment is nothing like watching them all love each other even if it's just for a second. You've already got 3! It's not like you don't know how to do this. You won't have a quiet house but there will be no shortage of love there. As for hubby....he'll have plenty of your attention when you're telling him to wipe juniors bottom cause he made a poopie in the potty while you change a diaper and tie somebody else's shoe at the same time! If you had a 'job' you'd never put in the hours and energy that you put in when you 'stay' home. You wouldn't try to be all things to all people all the time. I think SAHM ought to be after your name like MD or PHD. Don't allow yourself to be the center of their world. Put your energy into making your family the focus of your kids lives. They will grow up and do the same. The sum is greater than all of it's parts. Most of my family is LDS and they have the most beautiful saying about family. They build families to be a masterpiece that will last for eternity. In all of our homes you'll find something somewhere that says 'families are forever'. The life's work of a parent is to make sure their kids love God and each other. I'd love to be able to have a house full of kids (all potty trained of course) but it's not an option for our family. Hindsight is 20/20 and when you look back at what you've created as your kids go to college, get married, and become insanely wealthy (so you'll be able to stay ant the fancy old folks home) you will be in awe of yourself and your children will too.

Like Jennifer says, you just do it. When my trips were born, i always got the comment of "I don't know how you do it". I went back to work when they werew 3 months. And with an exceptin of 18 months, have worked since. I have an almost 3 yr old who is at that stage of OMG! challenging us. Some days you just....Agghhh! But you pull through. There will always be if only or I wish. For me, I wish there were more activities for my older kids so they could make more friends. If only we had bought in a different neighborhood, my son would have more boys to play with or hang out. Yes, it sometimes seems there are not enough hours in the day for EVERYTHING. But you don't have to do everything. At least not at one time. If you try too hard to please everyone, you will get burnt out. A few years ago, I decided I wasn't going to anymore. I also think my kids are more independant and more responsible than some other kids because they do have to do for them selves sometimes. But I do step in if needed. I always tell them they are part of a family and family does it together, not just mom.

Hello, My husband and I had four kids. We used to try and take each one out alone for dinner once a month. I realize that today's economy might not allow that, but maybe you could take each child for a walk alone. I used to do that, too. It give them time to have you by theirselves. Maybe have each one pick up things that interest them and then get them all together and have them make pictures with their finds.
I also went on to do licensed daycare and still had to try and find ways to make each of our kids feel special. They all had their activities (baseball, soccer, ballet, gymnastics, tap, etc.). I was not "super" mom, and I also got tired. Finding time for my husband and I together, was a little harder, but we did try to get out occasionally without the kids.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.