SIL Has No Children but Likes to Criticise Mine - UPDATED

"Wow, she's being defiant. Have fun when she's 16."
--- "Since you know so much about raising kids, I"ll just send her to you then."

I would talk with both of them.

If she IS Aspie, you are correct. They do NOT pick up on social cues, even if they're in giant neon flashing signs two inches in front of their faces.

My 10 year old was diagnosed with Asperger's (now just Autism Spectrum Disorder) and ADHD two years ago. The kid will NOT shut up for anything, and says some of the most idiotic things at all the wrong times.

Talk to both of them together. This way she can't go back to your brother and mis-represent what you said.
Be firm. Tell her her insulting remarks are not helpful but HURTFUL.

Tell her to remember the old adage "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all".

I would either ignore her,laugh at her, or tell her, "oh good it is always nice to hear advice from people not willing to have their own children" then roll your eyes. or "hang on, let me write this down, I am collecting advice from people that do not have children, you will find it in the fantasy section of the book store. "

Without going into the details, we have a family member who has been a parent (grown children) who really has a sensitivity chip missing when it comes to talking about the kiddos (my sisters' and mine). In fact, because my family is rather disjointed, we have two--one is an elder and one is a sibling.

I have had to really just learn to ignore things being said unless there is a good reason to challenge the speaker in the moment, and the only reason I would do that would be if the child being commented on were present. The reason I ignore is because these people aren't known for spreading their joy, if you know what I mean, and it's typical of them to come up with these obnoxious and broad, dramatic statements like what you describe. If the child is present and the comment is uncalled-for, my response is more empathetic toward the child and more "can't you see this kid's perspective/be an adult about this?" to the speaker. Or if the kid gets called out for some bogus reason, to offer up a personal story about challenges or how people change, etc. Both of the people who do this, though they aren't related, do seem to like conflict and confrontation, so I actually work hard to approach these things in a more sideways fashion, I guess, so even if we are alone, I am likely to offer an empathetic perspective back to them which explains the (often very understandable) actions/comments from the kids.

If you feel that this can't go unaddressed, I would try an "I don't think you deliberatly meant to hurt me, however, when you said ABC, I felt (bad, sad, frustrated) for (myself, my child) because XYZ. " or "I don't think you are meaning to be hurtful, and the way you threw the comment out there that (what she said) really bothered me (my child), and in the future....."

But honestly, if it were me, I just try to avoid those who feel they need to use their 'zingers' on others. That seems like an angry or insecure person. And some family members-- well, I think it IS okay that when kids are noticing that so-and-so is saying/doing certain meanspirited things, to just agree with them, "Yeah, Auntie So-and-So isn't always very kind with her words, is she? That's too bad."

say something calmly in the moment. " that was not a helpful thing to say to me." period. walk away.

There were a lot of things I thought I knew...til I actually had to be a parent. I would 1. minimize the time the kids are around her and 2. call her on it.

If she has Asperger's there's still a line between the condition and being a twit. Friend of mine's husband is perfectly sociable and knows not to speak ill of people's children. The only problem I've had with him is getting him off a topic he likes. ;)

Depending on what she says you can comment or ignore it. "Our pediatrician assures us that Suzy is a normal three year old. Please pass the olives." Or, "You're entitled to your opinion" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "This is how we are handling x with our child." Make it clear that you are not getting into a discussion about it.

Yeah. My SIL does this constantly. My youngest kiddo has ADHD, and although we work very hard with her on her manners and remaining calm (or at least not being a total spaz) in public... she's not on any medication for it, and despite our mutual efforts, she's still a handful. I know it, my child knows it, and we do our best. It's hurtful when my SIL says things in a condescending way, such as, "I don't see a child with ADHD. All I see is a child who has nobody to understand her." (Implying in her passive-aggressive way that I make no attempt to understand my child, and that her ADHD diagnosis is not valid.... #&*% off, SIL.) The best part about it is that SIL's kids are absolute monsters. She can't bring them to even the most kid-friendly of places, because they will do things like spit their food onto the table, stand on their chairs (or worse, the table) or run around crashing into servers (by the way, these kids are 7 and 4, so it's not like they're toddlers).

So basically, when she says obnoxious things, I completely ignore her. She's not the ninja-level parenting expert she likes to pretend she is, and nobody is fooled.

With regard to your SIL, I would just ignore her. You know she's an idiot. She always will be. Telling her she's an idiot will only make things awkward.

Yeah - I gave out all my best parenting advice before I was a parent.
Then when I had a child of my own I quickly discovered what worked and what didn't.
She ought to know better but she doesn't.
In fact, she might still be in her 'teens to mid 20's I think I know everything' stage and hasn't yet discovered that she doesn't.

You could get a tee shirt that says "Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do" and wear it around her.
The thing is - she doesn't see herself as a snarky know it all - they never do - so it'll go right over her head.

I suppose if I were in your place I'd have a private word with her and tell her that although she might be an expert in some areas I don't want to hear her opinion about my kids unless I specifically ask for it - because when it comes to my child - I am the ultimate expert and no one knows him better than me.
If she slips and snarks about your kids in your hearing range after that - call her on it.
"What exactly do you mean by that, Matilda?".
Either she'll back down or insert the other foot into her mouth to go along with the first one.

I think that if you're going to take this head on, that you are right to talk to both your brother and SIL together. This way, neither of them can put a different spin on your remarks.

I recommend that right now, you sit down and write out the remarks she has said that are examples of what you're talking about. As many as you can think of. Even if your SIL sees nothing wrong with saying them, your brother may be shocked to hear all these and realize that his wife does this as a matter of course.

Now, if she tells you in front of him that she has never said these things, then you will know the score.

I have to say, this has all gone on too long. If you had started out by telling her "Well, that's not my opinion about this" or "This is all painful enough without your hurtful remarks" when she starting talking about your dog, it would have helped her see that her opinion wasn't welcome. About the kids, the first time she said something rude, you should have said "You don't have kids. And even if you did have kids, it gives you no right to heap criticisms on my head." Just because she is a teacher and sees herself as qualified doesn't mean that you let her continue to mouth off her criticism to you. I do think that you're doing the right thing NOW by trying to put a stop to it.

If indeed she has high functioning autism, then you will have to be VERY blunt and direct with her. No beating around the bush. You need to say "I don't want to hear anymore ugly remarks about my children, like x,y.and z." Tell them both that this constant biting commentary not only isn't appropriate for her to say, but also makes you feel that she doesn't care about her nieces and nephews - that she sees them as bothersome and irritating. If she feels that way, that you are sorry, but you don't want to hear about it anymore.

Then let the chips fall where they may. If they are resentful and decide to "shun" you, then accept it and hold your head high when you go to family functions. If other family members ask you what's going on, just tell them that you got sick and tired of her constantly badmouthing your kids and when you sat down and talked about it with them, they decided to be offended. Decided to be offended. THAT'S what you say. Because that's exactly what it's really about. If they aren't sorry that they've acted this way (and yes, your brother is part and parcel to this) and if they look at this as your fault, then they are deciding to split the relationship.

I do think that separating from them is better than letting them treat your children badly. I really do.

Good luck in your talk - stay strong. KNOW these specific things she has said and parrot them back to her. If you speak in generalities, it will mean nothing. People like your SIL and brother have to have concrete examples hit them over the head, believe me...

Do we have the same sister in law????

Bitchy, nasty and sometimes hateful remarks. She is unmarried and has no children but she knows EVERYTHING!!! Don't get me wrong, sometimes we get along really well but disagree with her or say something she doesn't like and look out!!

I just do my best to ignore her.

M

Gee, I don't know. You're autistic thing there at the end is throwing me. Maybe you should ask your brother. I mean.. if she is and you don't already know about it, maybe they don't want anyone to know for whatever reason. Or maybe she has never had any testing or diagnosis.
Maybe you should just mention to your brother that she is making comments about your parenting/children that seem rather blunt or socially inadept, and see what he says. Maybe point out that her comments aren't really helpful, and are really not appropriate, but you are trying to be helpful in asking him about it, b/c if she did it to someone outside the family it could really be offputting... or something.
But, I think the autistic angle is way out there from what little information you posted here. There are TONS of people who say things they would be better served to keep their trap shut about. But they don't.
Your whole reasoning that she knows about kids b/c she is a teacher (or rather that SHE thinks she knows about kids)... flies in the face of her saying things b/c she is autistic and doesn't recognize it's socially a faux pas.

Maybe she is trying to engage with you, and offering "advice"(?) in an effort to try and be helpful. Just b/c she doesn't use it herself (getting dragged by her dog) doesn't mean that her advice isn't good advice. You can know information and not use it, after all.

I didn't respond when you first posted but I wanted to say that you did a great job by taking to your brother and sister in law. It's so easy to let things fester (I know from my own experience) and not stand up for yourself. From everything I've observed from your posts and responses, your are a great mom. Keep on doing what you know to be right. You rock.

Unless she has done or said much worse then what you explain here I really don't see why you are so up in arms? Some people believe that you should get a dog training before just giving them away, that when you adopt one it is forever, but even if that is what she believes there is no reason for you to get bent out of shape when she expresses that, just explain you had your reasons and would appreciate if she would drop it. As for the "have fun when she is older", that is a joke I hear people say all the time, it means nothing more then a simple pointing out of the fact that teenagers are often hard to deal with. I don't see that as a slam on your kids in any way or her putting them down. I think your husband may just stand by because he thinks you are overreacting to these comments, and if this is the kind of stuff she says that you are reacting to, I would have to agree with him.

If you really feel she needs be talked to then you should talk to your husband and have him talk to her, you should not put yourself in the middle of his relationship with his sister or do anything that may damage it.

It's like back-seat driving. The one doing nothing but "evaluating" the person doing the work thinks he/she's a pro!

What can you do to make her comments roll off your back? If she angers you, she has conquered you. Can you turn off that volume switch in your brain when she starts to talk? Can you find something to laugh about in all this? Imagining her actually with your children (or your former dog) might do it.

If it were me, I'd talk to my brother and ask him to talk to his wife. If he won't, that says something about him.

P.S. I like Fuzzy's comeback, too.

I hope you let us know how the talk goes. Best wishes

Is she aware that the people with the most excellent advice about kids are always childless? Lol
If not, maybe she needs to hear it from you?

Actually you should talk to your brother, not his wife. If he can't or won't handle it, you may need to speak with her. But that is much less likely to go well.

I do not believe that you should involve your brother at this point. I also wouldn't speak with her privately because I wouldn't necessarily trust the reports of that discussion. I think that you should hit her right back in the moment with something innocent, like, "Sooo, what do you mean by THAT?" It's annoying to you, but if you don't believe that she is intending to be nasty, then give her a casual opportunity to explain herself. Every single time--for a few times at least, enough to show her that it's a pattern and to give you fuller insight to her perspective--let her know that her comments are not going unnoticed and that you want to understand what is behind them. When she tries to say, "Well, I just meant...," you be sure to tell her, "Well, this is what I hear when you say that. It feels critical and hurtful, and I really wish that you would refrain from always needing ot offer your input." Know-it-alls don't always realize what they look like until someone gives them a mirror. Don't be so defensive that you can't see her as being a person with her own issues that show up this way in YOUR life.