Hello again. I want to thank everyone for their responses to my post last night about my sister and nephew. I wanted to give an update and let you know that there is a problem with my sister, and my nephew wasn't manipulating anything (I akready knew he wasn't. I have known both of them their whole lives and I would have called it on either of them!) I found out that my sister has been doing some recreational drugs and was at least partially acting out because of that. We also believe she has some other issues and are trying to lovingly encourage her to get some help. I did appologize to her for making her feel like I didn't support her, but she still isn't speaking to me. I am sorry I hurt her, but not sorry I was honest about the situation.
Someone mentioned that it didn't matter if I was right or she was worng...I never cared about being "right" with respect to anything other than protecting the safety of my nephew. I went with my gut and it turned out to be a good choice for him although I am still really sad that she hates me now.
Here is my new question. Someone made the comment that I shouldn't have "broken ranks" with my sister and that I should have backed her up in front of my nephew and talked to her about it later. She mentioned that it was similar to a husband and wife presenting a united front with their kids. Just out of curiosity, would you back your husband or s/o up on something if you sincerely felt that a child's safety was at risk?
Oh, I also want to make it clear that I am not bashing the woman who made the comments. I am just curious about how other moms feel about the whole concept.
***Jessica, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I didn't know about the drugs before. I just knew something wasn't rightand she wasn't being rational. I was just going on my gut and found out more details afterwards. Our family is working on helping her and keeping the kids safe until she gets the help she needs. This is new territory for us, so I'm sorry if my explanations aren't clear. ***
Yes, I remember the post and am glad you were honest. Yes, I would help set up arrangements for the child.
Absolutely not. I can give you some examples of me not sticking my husbands guns...
He can be a yeller when he feels the kids are ignoring him. I on the other hand hate yelling. I will jump to my kids honor when he starts raising his voice. I tell him that if he cant talk to them like the are humans he needs to go have a time out. I cant stand that he feels he has the right to raise his voice. They are not allowed to raise their voices at him, if he is not responding to them right away.
Now that is not anywhere near what you had to do. Still, you did what you felt was right. Family is never about RANK in my mind. It is a playing field where you all watch out for one another. You all are on the same team. You are watching out for your nephew, who needs help. Your sister needs to take a long look at what she is doing to herself and her family.
I wish you guys lots of strength and patience right now. Stay true to what you have been doing. Your sister needs help. Her kiddo needs it more.
Your sister apparently has a drug problem. Generally speaking, when an addict's lips are moving, what you're hearing is a lie.
Obviously you sensed this on some level and were able to separate the b.s. from the truth.
Can you imagine what it must have been like to get to the point where he actually left the house? He sounds level-headed.
I'm glad your nephew has you on his side b/c I suspect his life and environment might get a whole lot worse before it gets better.
Best of luck!
I read your other post and I have to say that I'm glad you were honest with your sister in front of your nephew. From what you wrote, it sounded like your sister was being overly emotional and irrational; I don't see why she wanted your unconditional support when it seemed apparent that she was having some problems. Your nephew was trying to be rational and explain the situation, and your sister acted like a crazy person in response. Good for you for being honest with your sister and letting your nephew know that he has family that he can trust.
Personally, I think that having a united front with your husband or s/o or anyone always depends on the situation. If my husband is being emotional or irrational or just plain crazy, then there is no reason to be "supportive" of that because it isn't right to act that way. I might ask to speak to him in another room so that we can discuss things and not fight in front of the kids, but I wouldn't blindly support him if I thought he was being completely irrational. (By the way, this is just a hypothetical, my husband is actually a pretty rational guy and I'm the one who can be a little overly emotional sometimes). :-)
I really hope your sister is able to get the help she needs, and that her kids are safe. Good luck with everything.
I would go with the child's safety and mental well being.
My Spouse, would understand that.
Your Sister is a Druggie.
You cannot reason with someone like that.
You need to look out for your Nephew.
What if, someone calls CPS on her????
She is endangering her child.
I would DOCUMENT everything.
I will ALWAYS without a doubt put the saftey of my child first and above anything or anyone else. Including my husband.
It's extremely unfortuante that your sister is upset with you. Or down right mad. Either way you have to remind yourself that you did the right thing, and now your sister can get help, and your nephew is safe.
I would bet that your sister doesnt "hate" you, I bet she is just mad at the moment and it will take her awhile to understand what happend, and get over it but you have to remain firm. You did the right thing, you put the child's saftey first and that to me is most important over "backing" someone up.
Everything will work out, and this too shall pass, just stay strong and know that you did the right thing.
Best wishes!
Like I said before, you did good.
My personal opinion only: other family members besides husband DON'T rate the same "unified front" status. When my dad has gone over the top losing his temper with my children, I have stood up to it (and so has my mother) because they are my responsibility, and it's not okay for him to treat them that way (yelling and generally being harsh, nothing more). Now, from time to time, my husband will fly off the handle (get irritated, raise his voice without being civilized first), and while it is tempting at times to intervene, I try (not always perfect about it) to at the very least hold my tongue until the child in question is not around before addressing whether his approach was necessary and/or appropriate. I will, however, calmly state the facts if he believes one of the kids to be guilty of something or if he has misconstrued the situation. I do this in a very neutral way, though, not like I'm "saving" my children from anything.
As for your situation, I did read your original post, and didn't know what to think of it. But when you added that she has been doing drugs, I say, you are under absolutely no obligation to back her up even with her son. People on drugs are irrational at best but can also be dangerous, especially when in a bad mood. Easier said than done, but don't feel guilty. Just do what you can to support her family and urge her to get help.
You did good. I am curious about the other kids. What is being done to keep them safe while she gets the help she needs?
Obviously if it's a true safety issue, then no, break ranks. But in your first post you didn't say anything about your sister being on recreational drugs and your nephew being in real physical and emotional danger. You left out some very important facts that would have changed my response to you. You made it sound like a one off in that thread and presented your nephew's side and your sister's side evenly.
Had I known all of this about your sister then, I would have suggested your family getting a family lawyer to advocate for your nephew. Talk to him about wanting to protect him, and that may mean going with the lawyer to file a police report against your sister for whatever she did and is doing. Like endangering a minor among other things. Get it all documented.
Then the family might have a case of placing your nephew with someone in the family who isn't sympathetic with your sister until she's clean and sober. And a court could set up visitation based on her sobriety, going through anger management, and detox/rehab.
I back off my husband when I totally agree, I stay quite and talk to him when is something I don't complete agree, even if sometimes I have to step up.
But if my kid was a risk you bet I would not think about it.
Say that they get in a fight when my child is 17 and he lost control and kick her out, I would totally step for my child.
My husband and my daughter also know that the day my husband put a hand on my girl he better RUN!
Of course that the day my daughter (she was little) told him: "Ha, you can't touch me or my mom would get you" I remind my daughter he can't but I can so better watch out too, lol.
I think you did what you felt it was right, I understand that education and discipline is for the parents, but when a child is running away I would rather for him to have somebody I trust next to him.
I truly hope your sister get the help she needs and they can be reunited, all of you.
