"So, Are You Guys Having Any More?" ...Sigh.

I am the same way, wanting another while my husband is done. If it makes you feel any better I have three kids and constantly get rude comments about that, as if three is so many.

I have had several run-ins with extremely pushy, nosy people regarding the topics of pregnancy and birth. I find that a very graphic explanation like "well, you know we didn't want three kids but we love having sex on the kitchen table at least 3 times a week" gets even the pushiest stranger to leave you alone!

My husband came up with a great quip.. When people used to ask us when was the next one coming or were we planning on more, he would answer "No, we got it right the first time. We are very pleased with her!"..

A friend of mine used to say that she wanted to enjoy her little one a little longer before adding on. On the other side of the coin, I had triplets. The comments I got were that I was done and I had them all at once. How would anyone know if I wanted more?

I felt that way when I couldnt breastfeed. People giving me their opinions all the time, about how breast is best, when I tried and couldnt, it was like someone was beating me up all the time. I wish I had some advice for you, other than, dont let other people get you down. It will happen when it happens and only you and your husband will know when it's right for you.

I totally feel you. Even though we have two, we're in the exact same place. I sometimes answer by saying "we still haven't figured out where these ones came from!" and that normally ends the conversation, but I know it's a pain in the behind to have been asked in the first place. Good luck.

I have only one perfect little girl of 8 years and if you want people to drop it just say" No, we go perfection on the first try, we are done." If you end up having another later just say you changed your mind. I know lots of people with only one child & they like it, no favorites that way.

As for "tricking" your husband into having another child, it doesn't sound like it's in the best interest of a child to bring one into the world if his father doesn't want him. I suppose it depends on the reasons he doesn't want one, I guess, but it's not something I would ever do

I hope that people who talk about tricking your husband are kidding. Surely it must usually be a joke. Yes, birth control accidents do happen (my husband and I can attest!) but that is at the will of God, not the will of Wifey. To knowingly do that to an unwilling party - I can only imagine what that marriage must be like.

My husband's older brother flat-out told his parents that he and his wife didn't want kids. It ended the pressure for grandkids, as none were expected. And when they then began their family several years later, only joy greeted the announcement. They now have several children, but they managed to avoid all of the grandparental questions about when babies were coming by shooting down any sort of curiosity. I don't recommend lying, actually, but you should be able to find a way to close down the conversation.

Instead of saying "Soon I hope" or "Someday," I would shoot down these questions with a simple, "No, not right now," or "Not in the foreseeable future," both of which are entirely true. If they have the audacity to ask why not (anyone with good manners will not), respond with a smile and say that your first one came out so perfect that he fulfills all you've ever needed. That you would like another isn't the business of casual acquaintances - you can choose whether or not to disclose that information to friends and family.

Finally, I want to say that it sounds like you and your husband have a loving and communicative relationship. I only want to add that I hope your husband is as open and considerate of your desire for a second child as you are with his hesitancy about adding another family member.

My heart goes out to you! Close friends (and neighbors) of ours were trying to get pregnant and everyone was asking if they were going to have kids (even before they were married) and when they mentioned they wanted to try...well, the questions never stopped. It was a constant barrage of "Are you pregnant yet?" Well, they found out she has a medical condition where it is impossible for her to maintain a pregnancy. This was DEVASTATING to her. But, as you mentioned, well meaning strangers would ask the question "Are you pregnant yet?"...it made her heart break a little more each time. Unfortunately when it comes to marriage, families and especially babies - people feel it is open for public discussion. We would never feel it is OK to offer advice or ask questions about an illness in a public discussion. People ask me if we will be having any more children and I say in a joking matter "No, 2 is enough!". I have a chronic illness that makes it VERY difficult to keep up with my children so adding more is not an option for us. When people ask me why aren't we having more (I adore my children, would love to have a brood of children if I was healthy and am full of helpful advice as well) I tell them the truth - that my disease prevents me...that ends the conversation. For you, I suggest simply stating, "We are taking time to enjoy our family how it is". You are not lying, you are leaving it open, but the vagueness of the answer will, hopefully, stop them from asking again. Good luck and may your future family be what you, your husband and son need.

I asked this very same question while back. People have been asking me since our second was a year(for me it was it we are going to have a girl, since we have 2 boys:).....yeah like you can choose that) Well he is how almost 3 1/2 and we are preg with our 3rd(hubby finally was ready). I have to tell you that I myself ask that question sometimes, but only when I know other mom pretty well and know that there will be no offence in asking.
And tricking...oh my, I know accidents happen, but I do not think I 'd be able to live with myself after that..... I was ready for a third when our second turned 1, but for hubby it took couple more years. And even though now we have to start all over with the baby stage, it is what it is. It has be a mutual decision.

I also have a 4 year old and get this question asked a lot too. My husband and I have been very content with an only child. She is great, super social and talented and honestly, the idea of having more kids stressed both of us out a great deal. People's opinions about this use to really irritate me, but I no longer care. I just say "we're fine with one" and they generally say no more. I know that you want more, but you do seem to have some contentment with having an only right now.... so try this out and the conversation may end much quicker than it is now! You don't have to explain yourself. Just focus on enjoying the time you have with your son and, after all, things happen for a reason... :-)

I didn't read more than two or three of your last responses....but TRICKING!! oh good lord, my husband would have been pissed. I was ready for my third about 3 years ago. But my husband wanted to wait. So we did. He FINALLY told me a couple of weeks ago that he is ready to try for the third....so we have been trying!! My younges is 4.
As for the remarks...we are OFTEN asked if we are going to try for a girl! Ummm....well I am just trying for a helathy baby, and if the baby isn't we will love him just as much.
I think I would just say, "I'll let you know when if I get pregnant"
L.

I like your style! :)

One thing I've heard people say is "one and done".You could add "for now" to the end of it. It's a polite enough way to tell people to mind their own business. Depending how much you want to mess with people, you could start pulling answers out of thin air. Things like "he's adopted", "this is my third", "when are you due?", etc. I'd be inclined to go that way with grocery store clerks personally. :)

For friends and family, I think it's okay to just say that you don't know what the future holds but that your son is enough. To me, the question of asking if more are coming in some ways implies that the current kid isn't sufficient or something. It bugs me. As though a load of kids means a family is happy but having one kid means that the family is unhappy. That doesn't sound like the case here! Sounds like things are pretty great.

My daughter just turned two and I am starting to get that question a lot. Many of the moms in our gymboree class are either pregnant or had their second already. Thing is...I also have an 18 year old son (whom I had when I was 18) then got married for the first time over three years ago and had my daughter. The truth is I feel my life is complete since I had my daughter and I am in no hurry for another any time soon (I will be 37 in September). I love being a mom but I also feel like I've spent my whole life being a mom. I long for time with my husband and time just being me. I can tell my husband might really like another of his own. I can only offer this advice...my husband is very supportive about the possibility that I may not want another child and that means the world to me. We are far from trying right now, just trying to enjoy our daughter and each other (and handle a teenager) but at the same time I am not giving away any of my baby stuff...just in case! You sound like you have a very close and loving relationship with your husband and that you respect his feelings. Continue to support him and keep the lines of communication open on the subject. Things have a way of working themselves out. The day will come when you and your husband will both know whats right for your family one way or another...your just not there yet. Maybe all your husband needs is a little more time (I get the feeling he will come around). As for what to say to inquiring minds, "We'll see..really enjoying my son right now" then dovetail into a story about the most adorable thing he did recently (that'll change the subject quick). Good luck to you!

You've gotten a bunch of responses and already updated, but I wanted to add my thoughts since this question drives me NUTS! :) My husband and I have not had an easy road with getting/staying pregnant. I have a beautiful little girl who I adore more than words could ever describe and I am always asked about when she will get a sibling....sometimes from people who know the situation...which REALLY iritates me! My latest response has been: "When God blesses us with another....." This usually makes people back off a little because it lets them know that it isn't in my control....because I don't believe it is......You are right about it bringing up all sorts of emotions and I've done my best to let it go as much as I can.....Sometimes people just don't get it because they haven't walked in our shoes....

With your hubby, maybe he will come around and maybe he won't....What you need to decide (and it seems as though you have) is if that is ok with you. If you are perfectly happy with your family the way it is....and why wouldn't you be!?....I say just tell them that you are fine as a family of 3 and if blessed with more....GREAT...if not...GREAT.....

I always wanted to have 3 children....if that happens, WONDERFUL...but my daughter is more than I deserve so I am PERFECTLY happy and life is WONDERFUL with just her.....

Best of luck to you......:)

My husband and I are in your shoes - I usually smile and say, "The jury is still out", and leave it at that.

I didnt read all the responses...I hope I am not repeating. I, too, get this MOST annoying question, (along with if my DD is my natural child, thats a whole other bag of worms) I always say...whether a man or woman, whether old or young, whether white or black, whether tall or short...

Q: "when are you having another one?"
A: "when are YOU having another one?"

Stops 'em in their tracks. (for the most part) People usually will get the "hint" when you ask it back.

I am TOTALLY with you about TMI....how do they know whats going on? It ABSOLUTELY amazes me that complete strangers will ask me if my daughter is mine. What if she wasnt? What business is it of theirs?
If I had a dime for every person who ever asked about my child...I'd be $400.00 dollars richer!!!! (do the math :)

Just remember, you dont have to explain ANYTHING to ANYBODY!!!
Learn to smile.......and say nothing!!! (that 'll get their goat!!!)

My mother dealt with this my whole childhood! I'm an only child, and they DID try for years to have another. She almost never got pregnant with me. It was a sensitive issue, but people constantly not only asked if she was ever going to have another, but would go ahead and ask "WHY" when she said she didn't think so! Personally, I have two beautiful boys who I'm delighted with, and I'm so sick of everyone asking if I'm going to try for a girl I can't stand it! NO, I'm NOT!

I think you should do what my mom finally started doing -just say "No." Nothing else -just "no"! It shuts the other person down. If you and your husband do decide to have another, good luck -if not, only children are great too!

We get asked this question ALL THE TIME (we have 18 month old twins). I want more, and my husband only recently decided he wanted another child. Before I knew for sure he would have another baby, I would simply respond, "We're really enjoying our boys right now, and that's all I'm focused on."

When they ask, just tell them, "We haven't decided, but once we do, I'm sure you will notice"

I always say "Nope! we're complete with O., perfect child."

i think that your sensitivity to it is because you really really do want another one. i have been there. mine is 3 1/2 and hormonally i have been feeling it, plus it seems like about now is when everyone starts wondering. eventually people stop asking, but it sounds like your responses kinda leave the window open to them asking next time you see them. instead of "sure someday!" why not just say, "no, for now we're sticking with one." or "no time soon! i have all i can handle!" or "we're really not ready yet." i was always a little offended by family members who seemed to assume they knew me better than i did (we have a lot of kids, in our family!) and would just roll their eyes, and be like, "sure that's what you say NOW!"

no. really. we're happy with one. it might change someday down the line, but for now, really. we're good. i always try to be firm in my "no". but be honest. at some point that could change.

eventually they do stop asking. just be a little firmer and they will. personally i don't think it's anyone's business. but people love babies, especially when it's not them having it. so everyone wants to know. but that's the key - THEY aren't having it. hang in there. (NO i wouldn't ever consider an "accident"...i could never forgive myself, and i would feel SO much guilt over it, it wouldn't be worth it! plus how could you live with it if your husband suspected?)

gee wiz, it's just a question, are we really all so sensitive and intolerant?

First of all, you sound like you have your head on straight...good for you! I commend you for honoring your husband's desire to wait for more kiddos, and for not having an "accident".

You and I are in the same boat, although my husband and I have made the decision to stick with just one child. I also had surgery in January for a uterine tumor, and it's unlikely that I can even get pg again. We have a 4-year old son, and have been getting constant pressure from family to have more.

We attended my cousin's out-of-state Bar Mitzvah a couple of weeks ago, and I couldn't believe how pushy people were being about the child issue: "It's your family duty to have more", "Of course you'll have more children!", No no no...you can't have just one", etc. Even after I told people I couldn't have more they kept pushing. I finally started telling them I was sterile, and took a sly pleasure as they realized their faux pas and started apologizing.

I don't have a problem with people asking if we're planning on more, but when I tell them no I wish they'd respect my answer.

From now on if people push me after I've told them we're only having one, I'll just say, "We've considered all the options, and one child is right for us. I hope you'll respect that."

Well I have 2 kids.... and people always ask me if I am having more... !!!
Geez.
I just say "No. We have enough thank you. " And that's it.
I don't tell them anything beyond that... because even if my Hubby and I were trying for more (or not), it is none of their business.
Or you just say "No. We love our family the way it is."

If people are pushy/nosy about it, just say "Its personal.... "
You don't have to give them a "real" answer, because frankly... it is a PRIVATE topic. Just give them a perfunctory answer. Strangers don't have to know your inner-most private thoughts or if you are trying or not.

And don't take it personally if they ask. It is mostly just surface chatting anyway... just to make conversation.

all the best,
Susan

Oh I hear you! I had some major problems conceiving and it seemed like as soon as we announced we were getting married, people were asking my husband and I when we were going to have children. It drove me to tears over and over again. How insensitive! They couldn't have known what I was going through, but yes, people need to learn to be more sensitive! I guess all you can do is answer "some day" or "maybe" or "we're not sure" or if you're really fed up say "I can't have anymore children". That might shut them up! haha.

And yes, I know a few women who had birth control accidents. Crazy, but true. That biological clock is pretty strong!

I always try not to ask people personal questions like this, and since I have four it is the opposite for me as well. I get more of the you have too many kids. Seriously people why the comments in the first place. It is a very personal matter!
Now about tricking your husband. I wouldn't straight out trick him, but I would be blunt and honest with him. He deserves to know exactly how you feel about more children, any spouse does. I had my first two closely together, and when I wanted a third, I just told my husband that I wanted another one, and that if he was okay with it I was going to stop taking my BC. He didn't say anything, and I got pregnant. He was a bit annoyed with it, but he wasn't upset, since he remembered I did talk to him. He thought I was joking. Well #3 is his baby! I know not all men are that way, but he and #3 have a connection and my hubby loves him to pieces. Now he is 4, and we just had a genuine surprise #4 (for both of us)!
Good Luck, but honestly there are days where I wonder if I shouldn't have had so many, don't get me wrong I don't regret it, but life was easier back then!

I know everyone asks me all the time and my LO is only 16 mo...they asked me like the minute I took her home. I always say that I am not ready bc I am not...I have also said yeah as soon as she sleeps! stuff like that, it does not really bother me so that is why I answer this way...but yeah it is rude!!!!!!! I dont think you should ever ask anyone this, they dont know your situation at all. and shame on those 'tricky" people. that is awful, it would not be so funny if it broke up a marriage.
oh and now that I still have a belly, sometimes I think they are asking as a nicer way to say "wow, do you have one in there." but that is just me.

I too am tired of people's comments. With friends and family where it comes up repeatedly as casual conversation, I just gently state that we are happy and for now there will be no changes and I am tired of this subject and then change it. They'll stop asking.

As for strangers or new acquaintences, I use the silence is awkward technique. Look at them and say nothing for literally 3-5 seconds. They'll start to shift in their shoes or maybe look down and then you can either say something in response or simply change the subject. They won't ask again!

The decision between you and your husband is simply that your decision and your timing as a family.

As for tricking your husband, I think you are right about it being wrong. Deceipt in a marriage can do nothing but harm. If you really want another child, then it's time to sit down and talk to your husband. If you are ok with waiting for now, give him time and space, he may surprise you and suddenly broach the idea that he is ready too!

It sounds like you and your husband have a great marriage!
I agree that many people are just trying to connect or make conversation. I love your answer of "sure, some day" . I few other suggestions
When the time is right.
Right now were happy with our bouncing baby boy.
You never know what God has planned for us.

Thanks for reminding people of that. I've had friends who couldn't have kids and have become more careful about asking about that--they obviously found it rather hurtful when people would off-handedly ask when they were having kids when they'd been trying for years and knew they couldn't. My husband also used to joke about how if I wanted more it was up to me since I was the one who could forget to take my pills, but I've always told him that it would be completely unfair for me to make that decision on my own, not to mention deceptive and manipulative. Thankfully, both of our kids (and hopefully more) have been "intentional," and we've been pretty like-minded about if and when. I can't imagine anyone doing that on purpose to one's husband. :(

When asked I say no, because we are done, but really people should not be asking that all the time. You are right, what if you had been trying and could not conceive? It would be hard with people always reminding you!

As for your note on the bottom, I knew a couple who got married after agreeing to wait 3-5 years for children. The woman wanted a baby right away, so from the day they got married she started flushing her pills. After having the child she was very proud of her self and bragged about her deceit to a few neighbors. The husband found out, and although he loved his child, that kind of dishonesty he could not forgive, and the marriage ended. I think tricking someone into parent hood is worse than cheating!

I am right there with you! I always respond with a casual "we'll just have to wait and see what God has in His plan for us" when I really want to say "None of your stinkin' business!". That usually shuts the further questions down. Don't worry yourself about future infirtility, you've had one successful pregnancy so just focus on that fact.
I whole-heartedly feel like tricking your hubs into a second pregnancy by means of an "accident" will always burn you in the end. You and your hubs should be on the same page and it sounds like you have some open and honest pillow talk. Remind him how much you love him, can handle another child, and how it takes 10 months until the wee one actually arrives! That's a long time!
Being married is all about give and take. Best of luck and good question!

I have to commend you and your husband for having open and honest discussions about how you feel about expanding your family. It sounds like you have both been very mature and handled this very well, so there are no hard feelings. It would be great if more people did that! I think many of those responders who "tricked" their hubbies into it never got to that point with their husbands.
As for how to respond, I think it's perfectly fair to say, "We're not sure yet", or "When we're ready", especially to strangers. I know people are very well-meaning, but as you mentioned, they have no idea about your situation, and any problems you might be having. My husband and I tried for 2 very long years (including one miscarriage) to get pregnant, and it was very painful when people would ask when we were going to have a baby. I felt like saying, "IF ONLY I KNEW!!!!" So I think you can be direct, and honest, and also let them know that it's really not their business, but in a way that is not completely rude. Good luck to you, C., and whatever the two of you decide. It sounds like you are handling things very well for yourself. :)

T.
www.readandGrow.com

First off, I would say that I would not be comfortable tricking my husband with a birth control "accident." Our first child WAS an accident, but not on purpose! Our second was planned. There is a possibility that I am pregnant with a third (but it's too soon to really test yet), and if I am, it will have been a bit of an accident, but no deception intended. That just wouldn't be right to intentionally go against my husband's wishes just to get a second child. I think you're doing the right thing. As much as I think every child should have at least one sibling, ultimately your kids will grow up and leave home, but you want to live the rest of your life with your husband. More kids isn't worth ruining the relationship, if that's what it would do.

I want to have lots of kids. I'm not quite ready (I think) for #3, but if it's on the way, then I'm fine with it. At least my son is over a year. But when that one gets older and I get pregnant again, I know people are going to start asking the opposite question. "So, is this the last one?" It's not like I plan on competing with the Duggars or anything like that, but I know some people just aren't going to understand why I don't want to stop with the "2.5 children" that the average American has (or had; now it's more like 1.8). I know I'm going to have to come up with answers to satisfy them.

So if I were in your situation, what I would do is come up with some pat answers depending on who they are. If they are the clerk making small talk, joke about it. That "Sure, someday!" would probably be fine. If it's your mother wanting more grandchildren, just say that you and your husband are thinking about it and drop it. If she pushes, tell her that it's a personal decision that you and your husband need to make together and to please bug off (not in those words, obviously!).

Of course, you could always get a custom-made T-shirt that says something like, "Mom of one and content" or "Please don't let me put your name of the very, very long list of people who ask me if I'm having another kid." Or something humorous like that. I know I've been tempted to do something like that for my final trimester of pregnancy. I enjoy my pregnancies right up until the last week or two, and when about 2 months before the due date people keep asking me if I'm ready for the baby to come, I say, "Actually, no. I'm still enjoying this pregnancy." And I get tired of it. I feel like making a T-shirt that says, "No, I'm not ready for the baby to come. I'm enjoying this pregnancy. Thank you for asking." Not sure if I ever will, but it does make me laugh when I think of it. :)

So... kudos for putting your relationship with your husband first. May you have a long and happy marriage!

We are family of 3 and we feel complete. We do all the things that family of 4+ can't do and we love it. I do love kids, actually I'm crazy about kids and I'm really concerned about they future and well being. The Earth is overpopulated anyway and the only way to help is a voluntary, mutualy agreed reduction in family size. Such a reduction is put forward as a responsible course of action, in order to care for nature. When I am asked the very same question as you, my answer is: "We are done, being family of 3 is our way to show we care for the nature.". If you need more info about that, here is a link:
http://www.populationmedia.org

I'm so glad you asked this question. I am a mom of a beautiful 4 1/2 year old daughter. When my daughter was one year old I was ready to start trying for another baby but my husband was adamant that one was all he wanted (for many good reasons). I was crushed and it took me at least 2 years to get over my sadness and disappointment. So whenever I got the question "when are you having another one?" I wanted to burst into tears but would have to force a smile and say "we've decided to just have one child." Sometimes the person asking would give me a hard time trying to convince me that having a sibling was really important for my daughter, etc. This was so devastating for me. Thanks for bringing this issue to people's attention.

I so know where you're coming from. My husband and I didn't have our daughter until we had been married almost 10 years. She's now 4 and a half. When we decided we were ready to have her, we discovered that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I was able to get pregnant with some medical intervention. I always hate it when anyone asks if we're having another one because how much medical information are people comfortable with hearing? PCOS is part of who I am and since it's a disorder most people have never heard of, I don't mind talking about it. I don't go into any great detail about what it took for me to get pregnant, but I'm probably not ever going to be one of those women who doesn't take their birth control for a few days and winds up pregnant! My mother constantly reminds me of our "late start" and how my husband and I are closing in on 40 and haven't had a second child yet. She also likes to bring up that women with PCOS are more prone to have multiples if they wait until their 40s. Right now, we are stalled in our plans to have a second child because my husband's job will be ending soon and we need to wait until we have consistent health insurance. Now, we are getting hints from our own child! She told her dad a story last night about her favorite stuffed animal bunny and how sad and lonely the bunny was because it didn't have a sister. My husband said she actually had tears in her eyes. Hopefully, she'll be distracted by starting kindergarten in the fall!

I am really surprised this comes up so often for you. I think the only time I was ever asked such a thing is when I was actually pregnant! I would answer that you are not sure...... because that is the truth. Yes you want more but you are not sure that will happen. I appreciate and respect that you respect your husband's mind and opinion on this.
Tricking them is not an option. How ever...... I would like to point out that truely (honest to God's truth) I have had 2 of my 3 children while on birth control. My husband was done after #2 and then surprise!

Simply smile sweetly and say "why, what's the hurry, is there a shortage of people in the world?"

Me and my husband have 2 wonderful daughters that we did have while on birth control, but they weren't a trick or a mistake just God telling us we needed them. Which we did! LOL! I want another, I want the chance at having a baby boy! My husband however is now not wanting anymore! He says he is so happy with his little girls he could never imagine haveing another! I get the opposite response and actually some that are really mean! My husband and I are very young and began our family young. People are always asking why we 1)kept our kids 2)why we started so early 3) Why I got pregnant so soon after our first? People say mean things to me all the time about being a young mom, but they don't know me or my family and they have no bussiness messing around in it! My usual responses are "I love my kids and I can't picture my life without them." "Why does it matter to you?" "My kids are happy healthy and none of your concern." "God decided he wanted me to have kids after all" "My BC failed, but its failiar brought me a wonderful gift" "This is truly none of your bussiness and I would perfer you leave it be!"
I get some really hard things about haveing my kids, but I take care of them, I feed them, I cloth them, I spend MY money on them, I take them to the park, pool, shopping ect, and they don't so it is none of their concern!
As for asking if your going to have more they more then likely dont mean harm, just asking. I can't belive you are asked so much though! Thats crazy I hardly ever hear someone ask that!

I get this question all the time. As we are TTC it can be a sore subject at times. However, I look at it from the other side of the fence. Pretty much any question you as a new aquantance can be a sore subject. I could ask some one if they have brothers or sisters and open a wound because they just lost a sibling. I could ask if you have a pet and you just put Fido to sleep - eek! What I am saying is that any question could be insensitive if you knew the history, but then you most likely wouldn't be asking if you knew it was a sore subject.

I have a one year old and a couple friends with one year olds, and they say that as soon as their kid was mobile, people started asking this question. These people do not have mal-intent, they are simply trying to be interested in you. Even though it is a touchy subject for me, I still grin and say "we will have to wait and see if that is possible for us." Because that is the truth - we want another kid, and we are waiting to see if or when it happens. If I did not want to have another child, I would have no problem saying that (and in fact the question would be less upsetting).

As far as people telling you to disrespect your marriage by lying to your husband, I would stop telling others that he is the hesitant one, because as you stated, that is between you and your husband. I also don't think I could tolerate those statements, as those seem like fighting words to me - but if you chose to air your laundry in public, passerbys may see your undergarments. You can't invite those types of responses and then be upset/offended by them.

I guess what I am getting at as someone who experiences the same types of behaviors from strangers - you get to chose your feelings, your reactions, and your responses but you can't control what others say. You can chose to be thankful that others are taking an interest in your life, or you can be upset that they accidentally touched on a sore subject for you. You can chose to respond with a snarky comment, with the truth or with a vague answer. And if you make out a problem, people will most likey offer a solution, although their solution may not fit into your ethics.

You are doing the right thing to respect your marriage and be a mature and loving grown up in a relationship. I am sorry other people have given you a hard time about that. And remember, you always have the right to answer a question you think is inappropriate with "I am not comfortable talking about that topic with you"

If it makes you feel better --- we got the opposite when we had more kids. I am pregnant with number four and we had family ask "Why?" when we shared the news. Some had more to say then that.

Part of human nature is the assumption that others think like us. It's why cheaters think "everyone cheats." It's arrogant and kind of ignorant, but most people carry around this idea that their way is the right way.. and sometimes the only way.

Anyway, when it comes to parents - people do this too. They feel like what works for them really is what is best for everyone else. So.. parents with two kids feel like everyone in the world should have two. One isn't enough, you're robbing your child of the chance for siblings, they will be spoiled, etc. Three or more kids and there is no way you're able to give your kids one on one attention, at that point someone is being left out, middle child syndrome, etc. Because they feel *so* sure they are right... they speak without thinking.

Then of course there are others that don't know they are hitting a sensitive topic, and consider babies a pleasant small talk. I'm assuming you have both kids of people around you. I can't imagine hearing it that often and it just being from random strangers?

As for comebacks.. I would probably do like you are. If they ask "Are you guys having more?" my replies would be, "Maybe someday" "Perhaps" "Not right now" and change the topic to something else. If its someone close to you - nagging you about having more - I would have a more serious conversation telling them you would appreciate if they were less concerned with your baby making, and when or if you have more is up to you and your husband.

As to tricking your husband. I would never do that. My husband and I have a lot of trust and open communication. If this is something you *really* want I would talk to him as much as you can. Tell him you don't want the kids too far apart in age, and that he may never feel "ready" for a second.. but to think how amazing it is to look into that newborns eyes and see something you guys made together looking back at you. The rest will come, feeling ready, having enough money, all of those worries will seem like frivolous reasons to put off having this wonderful new life in your hearts.

Good luck, let us know how it works out for you.

As far the tricking your husband route, for all of you who are in favor of that, think about how you would feel if your husband got a vasectomy behind your back and "tricked" you by making the decision himself. Wow!

As for what to say, I have found that a simple "I don't know" usually ends that line of questioning. They seem to feel that asking why is too far over the line. Also, "who knows, we'll see" is an honest answer. You could also go with the snarky sarcastic "You know, we haven't really thought about it much because we are having so much fun with little Timmy still". I personally just say "I still have my hands full, and maybe when he's older we'll figure it out".

As a mom with 3 I don't get asked too often unless i'm out with my older son or 1 of my 3.My family doesn't ask ever.But what I do get tired of hearing is OH you have your hands full let me get that for you really ya think but I do manage as a sahm.This is a question that starts conversation it's like saying Hi how are you?DO they really want to know how are you becasue that can take a while.I would just say i'm happy with my family that i have(maybe not really)but it's an answer.

Please do not be mad... but... from what i see here is that you want another and your husband does not. Did you know this when you said "i do". It is very hard to have a spouse that is not on board with another child. I know that you say he has many reasons for no. So did mine, but he came around (and that was for #3 and 4). Fortunately not too much convincing here :) Life is so short. Is there anyway you can get him to see your side? I just feel like you are caving because you want to appease him. Like i said... please no judgement... i am just giving an opinion.

I haven't read all the responses but my experience in this area consists of the fact that I have had 5 boys (4 of which I have raised and live with me). Some infrequent stupid people (if I do say so myself) never fail to mention how I need a girl. Well, my husband didn't want anymore kids after our twins and I'm not so sure my body could've handle it anyway, so I got my tubes tied after them. Not only this fact, but OBVIOUSLY a girl is not possible. He's proved he's a boy maker this many times - which is no surprise because his dad and brother are too. Also, as a backdrop to this story, I've longed for a girl to dress up and bond with my whole life. Each pregnancy getting my hopes up. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys. But even to this day I harbor the hope of maybe having a girl someday... So, each time these retarded, inconsiderate people ask if we're going to have a girl, or say we need one, it reminds me that I most likely NEVER will. It's very painful and I am very resentful to the idiots for that. Just my 2 cents. :)

People always ask. I don't know why. I don't think I ever did. At least I hope not.

We had 8 kids and after we had #3 the question always was , "Don't you know what causes that yet?" Then I came up with the perfect answer. "It's not that I don't know what causes that, it's just that I never forgot." That stopped all comments. Find your perfect answer and you'll stop all comments too!

BTW, Having more that two was one of the wisest decisions we ever made. We now have 16 grandkids with two more on the way. My oldest two live over 1500 miles away. If we hadn't had the other 6 kids we wouldn't have any of our kids and grandkids around us. My life would have been very sad, bleak and dreary.

Good luck to you.

Your answers to those questions are fine. You could also just say, "We'll let you know if we ever decide to!"

Yes, it would be great if we could re-train the general public not to "blurt." We are all blurters at times, though. Just comes with being human, wanting to be social, and having our mouths running before engaging our brains. And we all have our sensitive areas.

As a mom of one lovely daughter, I was asked this endlessly. Some moms kept urging me to make another baby, or preached long sermons about how I "owed" it to my daughter or to the world to have more. It did get wearisome, and I imagine it would have been more so if I had wanted more children. But I knew my limit.

I'm so glad you aren't "expecting" to accidentally be expecting. Your relationship with your husband sounds warm and deep, and it wouldn't remain so if you were to selfishly override his needs and wishes with your own. Parenthood and marriage are plenty challenging enough without playing such games.

The only advice I can offer is actually something I learned early on, and seem to recognize the value in it more with each decade: Reality is beautiful, fulfilling and complete if one invests oneself in it with heartful gratitude and acceptance. I've known a few women who would have loved to have more children, but they didn't let it detract from the life they did have. I recently talked to one such mother, now a grandmother of two, and she said she sincerely wouldn't want to go back and do anything over.

Blessings to your lucky little family.

I know this is a really late response to your post but I just saw the "So what happened" post rather than your initial post. So here is my comment:

Wow ... I can't believe how much I relate to this post. I am in EXACTLY the same situation as you. We have a 4 year old son (who will be 5 in March) and I would love to have another child. My husband, however, has for the past four years never given firm and resounding "NO" but ultimately does not want another child. I can sympathize with you on so many levels. All of my friends have two (or more) children and can't understand why we aren't having any more. It hurts to have them ask "why doesn't your husband want any more kids?" And I, like you, have heard several well-meaning friends say "oh well, you could just forget to take the pill, etc." I would never in a million years "trick" my husband into having another child. Ultimately I feel very blessed to have my son and would really only want another child if my husband TRULY wanted it. It helps to know that there are other Mamas out there who understand our situation. Thank you for sharing!

Oh my gosh, no, I could never have a planned accident! My MIL did that, and I just can't believe it! Even if my husband were (and it's very likely that he could be) a total idiot about it, with major misconceptions (he does that), I would have to work it out with him. I could never force him. If it were the other way around, women would be in an uproar, like if a husband replaced BCP with sugar pills. But it's fine to trick a guy into being a dad?
And wow, the guilt would eat at me for the rest of my life.

On the other issue, they say to turn the question around. So you could say, "Maybe. How about you?"
If everyone were to think of every possibility (such as infertility) before they asked a question, there would be no conversation whatsoever! I have a friend who's been married longer than I have, and while she's 3 years younger than I am, they have no kids and we have three! I'm no spring chicken, either. So right there I worried that they had fertility issues and didn't bring it up. I am super cautious that way. But it really hurts my conversation abilities when I'm too afraid to "pry." People actually get offended, thinking I don't care enough to ask.
So it goes both ways, I guess!

I get the same question all the time. I simply tell them I'm not sure and then I'll ask them the same no matter how many children they have. My wonderful daughter is 4. My husband was ready for a second when she turned 1. I've always wanted 3+ kids. But I had an extremely tough pregnancy - hyperemesis gravidarum - and wasn't so sure I could go through it again. I've been able to devote my time to her and she's advanced in so many ways. I doubt I would be able to do the same with a second because my time would be split. However, a friend really got me thinking a couple of months back. She said she had a second because she didn't want the first to be alone. I explained that's what friends are for. Then she said, "No, I mean when we're GONE". Oh! Well, that got me thinking and now I'm really thinking.

I'm fortunate that my husband does want more children, should I decide to TTC again. But if he didn't, I'd never trick him. If he were to trick me, I don't think I'd be able to forgive him. It would be such a complete breach of trust.

Hi C., I didn't see your original post, just your "so what happened". I definitely understand where you are coming from. When I was in high school I would have said I wanted a dozen kids, as an adult, at least the typical "2.54", but married to my loving husband, the answer is just our one, my daughter who is now 7. It's extra hard when your child is one of the people asking. But I am now 43 and my husband is 15 years older than me, and I think that another child would have put way too much stress on him and therefor our relationship. We did have one pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage when our daughter was ~5, and he seemed to embrace the idea of another child then, and we definitely would have made it work - and I think a second child would have been great, but it wasn't to be.

I wholeheartedly agree with your aside, I would NEVER sabotage birth control to trick someone into an unwanted (mutually) baby. The most serious relationship I had before I met my husband was with a guy I dated for 5 years. He had some baggage, and one of the issues later identified was he was adopted and didn't want to have children. This man was AMAZING with kids, the idea never crossed my mind that he wouldn't want some of his own. You cannot believe the number of MEN that told me - just get pregnant! It was never my women friends, I was dumbfounded. To this day I do not know if they think women are just that sneaky, or if they really believe "all is fair in love and war", but they all talked about it as if it was no big deal (granted it wasn't happening to them). Anyway, it was not something I was willing to consider and if the tables were turned and my significant other was that sneaky and dishonest with me, I would be both devastated and furious. I think relationships need to be built on trust and honesty.

Be aware that your husband may never come around to your way of thinking, I don't know if you or he grew up with siblings and/or with cousins, and what your relationships are with them. I feel that this is a loss for my daughter, and I'm sad that we didn't give her that, but is IS what is right for our family unit. On a positive side, she nows sees her cousins fighting with each other as siblings and how a younger sister "can be a pain" so at the moment, she has decided she likes being an only child :)
Best wishes!

For me it did hurt me when they would ask "so when are you becoming a mommy?" i had a bit of a problem getting pregnant in the first yr with my bf, and actually he'll be the one asking "y havent u gotten pg?" i would be around women who would get pg the time and me nothing!!! So it does hurt when someone ask u y dnt u have a baby? Are u infertile?" god i was cryin days and nights thinckin that i could never have kids, but after a year and 3 mos with my hubby we found we were pregnant and it made our lives so much happier!!! So just ignore them and tell them u just want to be more financially stable!!!!!!!!!!

Its funny how arrogant ppl. can be when it comes down to when? Its between you and your husband and thats' that. If anyone asks' just say I'm thankful that I have my one little son that I've been gifted to have. I deal with so many moms' in a day that at this point in time, no I don't want anymore right at this time. I already feel like I'm a mom to so many. By the time I get home from work having another one is just not my number one priority. If they don't like your answer then they may just possibly give up asking. I realize in your heart that yes you do want another child but its just not going to happen tomorrow. When its time you will have more experience than most moms' have and your son will be happy to be the big brother. I hope this has helped and good luck!!