Toxic Grandmother... What to Do?! Sorry So Long!

You start by stopping her visits with your child unless you are there to supervise. She's mentally unbalanced if she's using a young child in this way. Let your son know that while its ok to love his grandmother she's not being a good friend to the family. Let him know that people who love each other don't try to cause trouble between family members. Its a good teaching time,

When your mom complains be straight forward and let her know that what she's doing is not ok and there will be no more unsupervised visits with your son anymore.

If you don't like the way she treats your son why on earth would you put him in that situation in the first place? Stop taking him over there.

It took me a long time to learn that I do not owe my mother a relationship. I do not owe my kids a relationship with a woman who was never a good mother to me, abandon many times through child hood and continues to live a dysfunctional life.
In fact I owe my kids the opposite. We live out of state now, so it is much easier. And the last time we did visit my home town, I did not go to her house. It is stressful, it is toxic and down right filthy. I gave her the option of meeting us out somewhere for dinner or lunch on us and she never responded.
Keeping a relationship with narcissist for your kids sake is actually the wrong idea. I know as parents we want our kids to have grandparents in their lives and feel obligated to our parents, but you are allowing her to bring negativity in to your lives. You don't owe her a damn thing if she can't be a healthy part of your family. She causing you and you kids, and I'm sure your husband to be unhappy and uncomfortable.
You can try to speak to her firmly and directly about what you will and will not accept around YOUR family. If she can't oblige than I'd keep her at an arm's length, if at all.
Stand up for yourself and your family. Do not let her do to them what she did to you. You owe your kids healthy, positive people in their lives.

My father in law used to speak very disrespectfully about me, he hated me and had no problem speaking poorly about me in front of my children, so he was not allowed any unsupervised time with my children until very recently (they are now teens and can better question what he says and tell him to stop when they are uncomfortable, I made sure to give them permission and the skills needed to stand up to him when he talks down about people). As a result of this my FIL lost out on a lot of time with them, they never stayed over at his house even when staying with my mother in the same town, he was never allowed to take them on hikes or trips unless my husband or I could go with them, etc. Over time he changed, he realized I would protect my kids from him and that I got to control who they had contact with. You are the parent, you get to control who your kids are exposed to, stop exposing him to her.

There is a lot of information here, but I think the solution is simple.
1) no more unsupervised visits. If your son goes to her house, you go too. And if she says anything uncomplimentary about you or your husband, you leave, immediately. It doesn't matter if she does it "on purpose". If it's a toxic environment, you leave.
2) you need to talk to a therapist to resolve your own issues related to your lifelong struggle to try to find a way to please your unpleasable mother.

it's lovely to want your child (and why are you only focused on the one?) to have a good relationship with his grandparents.

but if he loved to eat asbestos, would you let him just because it made him happy?

you're the mom, and you are not the helpless hand-wringing victim here (or i guess you are, but you don't have to be.)

you've got an unresolved rocky relationship with this person, and yet you're putting your child, whom you should be protecting, into a bare knuckles ring with her. if you never managed to come out the winner, why do you assume your son is going to have the chops to figure it out?

do not expose your children to toxic people.

stop being guilty and scared. stand up on your hind legs and put some boundaries around both your relationship with your mother, and your children's time with her.

no unsupervised visits with toxic people. this is your KID. protect him from this poison.

mom up.
khairete
S.

Well good grief. Your account name is MamaBear. But you are a wimp. Not a mama bear. If you were a mama bear, you wouldn't allow this to happen. You'd be pulling the plug on your mother even seeing your son.

What's it going to take to get you to protect your child? You are letting her treat your son the same way she treated you. Why do you think that you have to put up with this?

You AREN'T doing a good job as a mother. You ARE making bad decisions for your family. Grow a backbone and stop seeing her. If you need help with this, go to a counselor.

you're scared of your mom but you call yourself mamabear? I don't think so.

You're only concerned about ONE child, not both? That's sad.

You and your husband need to move away from your mom. You need to limit your contact with your mom. Your son should not be going to her house alone.

You need counseling. Pronto

Hi MamaBear - welcome to Mamapedia.

The short answer here is, you don't expose children to the toxic issues from your childhood. If your mother is so awful, why are your children spending so much unsupervised time with her? Why are you giving her this power over you?

Whatever your mother's problems are, and whatever was inflicted on your during your childhood, as an adult you have to stand firm and protect your children. Your mother doesn't need to like your husband. If he's materialistic and arrogant, that's up to you to deal with or leave behind. It's great that he's taken your son under his wing, but only if this is a positive situation and he's a good role model. Your son will learn to be a man and a husband and a father from this man.

But there's no way that you should allow manipulation of your son by your mother, and there is no way that your son should be put in an adult role of "reporting" to you what your mother said to him about you and other issues. If you are scared of her, get to the bottom of that - what it comes from, what power you think she has over you, and what power you have willingly handed over. If you need help, get counseling - ask your doctor, your children's pediatrician, or a local clergy/pastoral counseling center for referrals to someone who either charges a sliding scale or accepts your medical insurance.

There's an old saying: "No one can make you feel guilty or inferior without your permission." She cannot have an influence over your children unless you let her near them. And do not decide that your children need a grandmother above all else, even if she's toxic. Say no.

But I do have concerns about your profile info, and I have grave concerns about anyone who would put her child's real name on an internet forum. Please stop that immediately and edit your question to take the child's name out of it. That's totally unsafe and an indication that you need way more parenting classes and support than you have.

Just want to thank Diane for your wise words.

We are going through something super similar right now. This part "she's not being a good friend to the family" is very helpful :)

Your mom is not right mentally. She tries to manipulate your son. She tries to manipulate you. She does not have healthy relationships with people. Honestly, I think you should start seeing a therapist and work with them to come up with methods to deal with her and set better boundaries and not let her get to you. One boundary you need to set right away is your kids cannot go to her house without you or your husband...no time alone with her anymore. She is not to be trusted. I have a very difficult mother also, and what has helped me is I live very far away from her. I call her once a week. We see her about twice a year. Please do start seeing a therapist. Once I started setting boundaries with my mom she exploded...she threw a fit...she was very angry. She even disowned me for a bit...said she never was going to see me or talk to me again. You will need to be prepared for this. It's the right thing to do though. It's hard but it puts you back in control instead of letting the mentally unstable person have control. What helps me is I now kind of think of my mother as a toddler.

Wish I knew how old your son is.

"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you." Steve Maraboli
You don't HAVE to spend time with her. Neither does your son. YOU have control over that.
I am trying to understand why your son is with her so often if you have such a bad relationship. Is she watching him while you work? Are you dropping him off to spend time with her? Why?
If she is watching him because you work then you need to find a daycare. If you are wanting him to spend time with her. Stop.
You can only feel badly because YOU feel badly. Not because she "makes" you. People can't make you feel a certain way.
You control your time and your reactions. Take control.

Isn't this the same 14 yr old who's been trolling the site lately?
If it is - as always - quit trolling and get a life.

If it isn't - it's perfectly fine to cut out toxic people from your life.
As an adult you quit playing games, tell your mom good bye - block her numbers, emails, send mail back unopened marked 'return to sender', stop seeing/meeting her and go on to live as happy and normal life as you can with your husband and children.
It's not your job to raise her or fix her.
She won't change unless she realizes she has a problem and wants to change - and she doesn't and won't.
In the mean time - see a therapist and explore why you are feeling guilty all the time.
A therapist will help you work through your feelings and make peace with them,

You know, between this post and your profile info, I get the feeling that there is WAY more going on then you are letting on. The first thing I wonder is how much parenting were YOU doing when your son was born and how much was your MOTHER doing for you when your son was born. 19 is young, but not really too young to take complete responsibility - but I get the impression that your mother was quite involved in your son's early child rearing, and may even be angry that you had yet another child before she felt you were even ready to parent the first one. I'm not saying she is or isn't right, but is that how she feels? It also sounds like you are doing a lot of projecting of your feelings of inadequacy and anger onto your son so as to have an ally in this "fight." This will only confuse your son further and drive a bigger wedge between your whole family

I would seek a therapist to help you sort out what exactly is going on, and who needs to own what, rather than just throw your mother under the bus and run. I am guessing there is a whole lot of two sides to the story. You should also get your mother involved with your therapy process so the two of you can learn better how to communicate and perhaps discuss what has brought the two of you to this point.

Stop the cycle before your son learns these same patterns - seek help for all involved.