My daughter has a group of friends that she talks to daily, has a group text chat with daily and does things with outside of school. Recently one of the girls that used to be her "best" friend started leaving my daughter out of doing things. Now my daughter understands that perhaps her and the best friend are going in different directions. My daughter also understands that she is not going to be included in everything all the time. However, why am I so upset about a recent event? Why does it bother me so much when my child is left out? Some of the girls were making plans to go to the movies this weekend. They talked about it right in front of my daughter, they made plans on the group text chat, but never once invited my daughter to go. My daughter did not speak to them about the plans because she was not involved in the initial conversation. My daughter would have loved to go too, but did not invite herself. Was she wrong in not saying "can I come too", should she have been asked, or should she just have expected this is one of the things she isn't invited to? Am I too upset to see the logical side perhaps?
Thank you everyone for your input. Yes, to answer some of you there are so many more details that I did not add. If I had given all the details, this post would have been soooo much longer than it already was. The former best friend has just become so nasty lately that it feels like an intentional situation rather than a "oh sure you are invited". It just bothers me when people are rude and it is passed off as "you misunderstood". I do stay out of it and try to help my daughter see both sides of the coin, just some times it hurts me that people who are supposed to be your friends and just mean. Thanks again for all points of view.
I don't know what all the back details are but if they were talking about it in a group text I was included in I would have assumed I was invited.
stay out of the teenage drama.
yes, you are way too upset and way too involved.
it was rude and bitchy of the girls to treat your daughter that way.
teenage girls are often rude and bitchy.
you cannot and will not fix other girls.
you can and should be working with your daughter.
she could have been simple and forthright about it. 'that sounds like fun. i'd like to come too,' and dimes to doughnuts she'd have been included just like that.
if not, it would have been on the other girls to explain their rude bitchiness. rude little bitches often find their manners and kindness (which they do have) when the ball is punted back to them thus.
she could have a quiet word with one of the girls and inquire as to whether or not there's a problem.
she could make plans of her own and invite the girls she wants there.
she could approach it with humor, 'hey, do you not like my deodorant? why am i not in on this, ya skeezes?'
you can certainly work with her on coping techniques, including role playing.
but your job is to empower your daughter to handle a wide spectrum of circumstances, not to wring your hands over the woeful state of the world.
khairete
S.
Girls are flat out mean. I had a rough time at her age too. My best friend ditched me to get in with the popular crowd. It seemed like a lot of work pretending to be someone you aren't. Tell your daughter to keep on being herself. Don't try to be someone you aren't to get people to like you. She'll find other friends that will care and respect her.
You are a great mom for feeling this way. She will always be your baby and you hate that she's hurt. Be there for her if she needs to cry or talk.
If a few of them made the initial plans and then they continued the discussion with additional kids (including your daughter) via group text/chat, what makes your daughter think she was excluded? Was there language used along the lines of "just the 3 of us are going"? I'm wondering if everyone is misreading this situation and overreacting.
Of course we never want our kids to be hurt, and the older they get, the more they are involved in relationships that we aren't supervising. Now, while no one wants their child to be excluded, let's remember that "teenage girls who leave people out" are just teens learning the ins and outs of social skills. They're going to make mistakes just as kids do when they first learn to walk or ride a bike. Just as you get your toddler to stand up and try again, and you get your bike-rider to pick herself up and get back on, your job now is to teach your child to speak up and get involved. There would be nothing wrong with your daughter saying, "Hey I wasn't involved in the initial planning so can someone fill me in?" And we do, like it or not, get tougher and stronger by either advocating for ourselves or recognizing that the world doesn't end if we miss an outing. Work on building her backbone and her verbal skills - letting her solve the problem by saying, "Well, what do you think you could say at this point?" or "Have you told Jennifer how you feel?" - is the best thing you can do for her.
I have teen boys, but assuming this is somewhat similar, if they didn't want someone to come, they would not mention it in front of them. They would specifically not bring it up around the kid. So I'm going to guess (although could be wrong) that they just intended for her to assume she was invited.
I'm a quiet person and kind of shy. The few times I can remember this happening to me, I was supposed to come. I actually remember someone calling me up and saying Why aren't you here? So I learned to speak up and just ask.
If she asked "Hey does this include me?" or whatever, what's the worst that could happen? they could say no, but how is that any worse than girls planning this with her in the group chat? It can't hurt any more.
As for feeling hurt - I remember feeling hurt a few times and yet my kid was ok. Once I realized I was more upset than my child, I reminded myself to let it go.
You ask why does it bother you so much? You are her number one cheerleader! It should bother you! Mean girls grow into mean women. It does not really get any better. Stay in her corner!
D.,
if they included her in the group chat? she was invited.
STOP WITH THE DRAMA!!! Stop playing into the drama your daughter is helping to create. Really. STOP.
It's POSSIBLE your daughter is doing this to herself and whining to you. She needs attention like many teenage girls.
Some relationships don't last a lifetime. She needs to get involved or walk away. Keep the drama out of it. Don't whine. Don't assume. She was included in the group chat.
Why does it bother you? Because we were teenagers once too. We love our children and want them to be happy. We are protective over our children. You are being protective of her now. However, you are feeding the drama. STOP. Let her talk with you and be her soundboard. If she asks you for your opinion or guidance? Give it.
First, it bothers you because we project our own selves, our own feelings, onto situations our kids are in. It's natural, and it's also good to take a step back.
It does sound like your daughter was included in the conversation. Maybe she isn't comfortable asserting herself? That might be something to look into.
Be wary of being dismissive of these girls as "mean girls"... they are all learning, growing up, friendships wax and wane. That is life. An individual person doesn't have to be 'mean' for friends to grow out of each other. I think that's a healthier perspective than just saying "they are mean", blaming the girls, and not helping your daughter realize her part in the relational transaction. We all play a role-- don't make her a victim, okay?
ETA: I just read your SWH... if the best friend is behaving in a nasty way, then GOOD on your daughter to start taking distance. Smart thinking on her part! Again, support her in finding new friends and don't get into a victim mentality over this. When I was younger it took me a long time and heartbreak to realize that some friends were actually bad for me. It sounds like your daughter has her eyes wide open. Good for her!
To me it sounds like she was included, if it was discussed in front of her and in a group text. At least that would be my assumption.
Might be time for her to start seeking out others for friendships. She and you must remember that these friends will or may not be friends in the future ever again.
Do your best to stay out and possibly suggest others to connect with with like interests.
It is hard to be the one excluded but you also learn that not everyone is going to invite you to everything. Sometimes they will do things without you as she is finding out. Just keep a positive outlook and look for others interests and people.
the other S.
PS I have been there and done that being on the outside looking in. In fact the "in" friends were the ones that did not go anywhere in the long run and got into trouble.
I believe kids know when they are being excluded. It's a gut feeling, and not a good one, when others are distancing themselves from you. If your daughter wasn't actually being included on the conversation, I can understand why she didn't speak up and invite herself. It sounds like from what you've observed those girls probably were passive aggressively trying to exclude your daughter. Groups can be such drama. Sometimes it's so much better to focus on friends individually. The former "best" friend, and/or the talkers/planners of the moving outing, it's really OK if she takes a step back from them. And instead focuses on making her own plans with others (in the group or not in the group). And yes, it does hurt to see your child be excluded. I think it does help all of us to remember that not everyone person is invited to everything, and that's OK. Nastiness aside, its not wrong for a few other girls to go to movie without the larger friend group. It's just the talking about the planning of it around others who aren't included is rude. It's also worth her considering to step back from the group chat and stick to more one on one texting conversations if she's open to considering.
I have been in the middle of situations where adults do this. Oftentimes I realized later, they probably didn't think about it, thought maybe I was coming? or decided I didn't want to. There is nothing wrong with being proactive in life about going along with the crowd. I have also learned, even with my own family-INVITE MYSELF. All they can do is say no and usually it's with their heads down if that's the case. Congratulations -you sound so caring-I think you have raised a wonderful daughter.
Last August my parents got my daughter (13) and I 4 tickets to go see Phantom of the Opera at the Kennedy Center in DC. My daughter picked 2 friends who she has danced with for 11 years now to join us. On the way home, the oldest girl was talking with the other friend about how she would invite her to King's Dominion for a day and over for a sleepover and such...my heart broke for my daughter. A few other times they have done things and not included her. But you know what, it's life. I encouraged my daughter to push her school friendships (which she has done) and she is much happier. The school kids, part of the STEM program, are more on her level anyways, their focus is the same in life.
This all sucks to watch as a parent, but it's simply the way things go. I find myself being hurt and upset for my daughter as well, but I really try to let it be. Also, encourage your daughter to speak up for herself.
I agree with Diane B and AKmom - did you maybe leave out some details? Because everything you wrote points to, your daughter was absolutely expected to be there, was invited, was included. Is she just sad because no one mentioned her by name?
