Why Does Mother's Day Gift Fall on the Wife?

My husband is responsible for his mother, I am responsible for mine. Sorry, I don't feel a bit guilty if he doesn't get his mom anything...her fault, she raised him.

Yes, I did all present buying, phone calling, event/visit planning with my in-laws too, sigh.

My ex husband enjoyed a very nice stretch of 20+ years where he felt like he actually had a close family. Prior to being married to me, and AFTER being married to me, he rarely communicates with them at all, sigh. (oops, did I already say that?)

:(

Nope, absolutely not. I've never bought a gift for anyone in DH's family unless it was a shower that I was invited to. I've been married 20 years and never took on the responsibility for gifts for his parents.

I suggest you do the same thing for her as you do for your mom - why would she not want a homemade card fromt he kids with photos?? And if that is not good enough for her then too bad. But honestly, I think that she would appreciate that. Your Mom does right?? What grandma wouldn't like a handmade card from the grandkids with pictures?? And who cares if she doesn't like it. Why should you do more for her than you do for your own mom. You are not treating her badly by doing that. I would quit stressing about it. Just my opinion.....

Yep.
It is so aggravating.

I have to do my own Mother's Day... and for my Mom and his Mom.
SO aggravating!

And then *I* do not get much of a Mother's Day for myself.
What the hell?

I can't stand it.

This year, I am not doing anything.
I told my Husband.
Oh and for Father's Day every year, WE all take him out for a nice dinner at a NICE restaurant.

But for me?
I don't know.

I FEEL THE SAME AS YOU. :)

And today I am in a PISSY mood anyway, with my Husband... since he royally pissed me off THIS morning. For which I posted a question on here today.

ALL gifts are my responsibility, from Christmas, birthdays, mother's day... unless it's for his dad or brother then he usually has an idea, but for any female or child relative, I'm pretty much the one who does it.

for her, maybe you can get her a pretty shawl, or photo album.

I work with a couple guys I'm close to at work and they both celebrate the fact that since marriage they no longer have to worry about purchasing gifts for family & friends and that their wives take care of it.

Oh and can't help ya, because in my house, I do all the shopping and gift thinking too.

I know what you mean--same here.

BUT O. Christmas I bought stuff for my MIL and was showing hubs and he was hemming and hawing and turning up his nose--He didn't "get it"--the next day I returned the whole shooting match and have not picked up more than a card for any occasion for her since.

He gets it now.

Sometimes you have to make a LARGE move to make a point.

Your husband needs to grow up a bit and do his own shopping for his family members. This isn't a 'man' thing, it's a 'convenience' thing. For him.

Reading your added message, I have to say this: you *do* have an excuse for your MIL!!! :) If she says "I didn't get a such-and-such" just say sweetly "Oh, really? Because he told me he was "absolutely" going to be picking up a gift for you. I wonder what happened?" and them put HIM on the phone. Or ask "Hey honey, what about that gift you were getting for your mom? Did it get sent/picked up?"

Let him answer his own mother's disappointment.

My husband doesn't send a gift for Mother's Day (family agreement), but he *always* picks out cards for him mom, sis and myself. When any birthdays come up for his side of the family, he's on it. Picks out the cards for the nieces, sends the checks (because they are older and that's what they want). When they were younger, we did some shopping together for the girls and I offered suggestions, but he hand-chose everything, and often without any input from me.

I don't know...I just think women are generally better at shopping and esp for other women. I would actually not want my DH to be in charge of buying a present for a woman because he would have no idea what to get. I know its something I just do better. DH always helps with picking out my dads fathers day present.
If you really do not want to do it send hime to the florist or garden store for indoor flowers or an outdoor flowering plant. THis I am sure he could handle.

It's not a man thing, it's a cop out & it's an inconsiderate person thing. Why do men get a pass just because they are men? The whole notion is insulting. Last time I checked, they were adults & parents just like us, they're not completely helpless idiots. Well, I guess some are, but why would want to have kids with or marry someone like that. Anyway, I digress... My husband is definitely not perfect, but he wouldn't expect me to do ALL the gift shopping. Stop buying the gifts on his behalf, plain & simple. Stop enabling him to be lazy when it comes to gift giving. If anyone says anything about not getting a gift, refer them back to him. Let her get mad when there's no gift. Your husband isn't feeling stressed, & neither should you.

Two words... Gift card!!!

yes pretty much.

I am at the point where all I do is send a card or a gift card so they can go shopping. I did flowers early in our marriage but that is expensive.

I say once in a while if your out and about and you see something that reminds you of them then get it and save it. The ones that talk to each other then yes you might have to buy for them as well. But my mom and his mom do not talk to each other so there are times I have gotten them the same exact thing.

What about stationary...there is an idea. A nice journal and some post its.

been there. done that. dont you just hate passive-aggressive people ??
what do you do ??
the next time his mother "hints" to you that she would just LOVE to be taken out to lunch for mothers day, groundhog day etc...
say, "gee, your son and i were talking about him taking you out just a few minutes ago, he is right over there, why dont you go talk to him, he would just LOVE to take you to lunch", then when he "hints" that YOU should go with them , all you have to do is say, "why, i would love to, but i think i should sit this one out, i dont feel very good, i dont think i should have eaten the chili."
problem solved, and you didnt have to do anything except direct her attention away from you
K. h.
heres a suggestion, that once worked for me, my mil told me, not her sons what she wanted for mothers day, i told her why are you telling me, you are not my mother ??

The year AFTER my divorce, my husband actually asked me what I was doing for OUR moms this year. I don't know why. Probably the same reason we buy the Christmas decorations and plan Thanksgiving dinner and pick up graduation gifts and send thank you cards and watch out for to the neighbors when they're out of town. We care and they do not. It is not a priority to them and it reflects on us. If it were up to men holidays would not be celebrated at all, other than thier birthday and fathers day. If you dont celebrate his mother the same way you would your own, it sends her a message that you really don't care for her very much and don't think of her as a motherly figure in your life.

I think it is a man thing. Personally, I think the child should get the gift for the mother but it doesn't seem to happen that way. Shopping and gift purchases seem to just naturally fall on the wife unless she insists that it be otherwise. I purchase all the gifts in my household because my husband is truly a terrible gift giver. I purchase the gifts so that I know the receivers will get something they actually like or want but sometimes I do think she is your mom, you get her something.

No, that is not the norm in my house. I take care of my side of the family and my husband takes care of his side. I don't have to ask him to do it either, he's the one reminding me!

Although, now I wonder what he'll get his mother for mother's day. :D

I am baffled that people actually tell you it's the wifes responsibility. Granted, I have a 3 month old, but I couldn't dream of having someone else besides him get me a mothers day gift. That doesn't mean when he gets older and gets married, his wife won't end up being the one to do it, but if I didn't get one I would be upset and hurt by him, not her. I raised him not whoever he ends up marrying.

I send cards for Mother's day, anniversaries, and birthdays. As for Christmas, then yes it is all me. Typically I have to plan all of the gifts, pay for them, wrap them, ship them etc... My DH isn't usually involved with any of htis. It drives me absolutely batty because I KNOW that if I don't do it, then it will reflect badly on me. And then he wonders why I get stressed at holiday! Perhaps it is just a man thing.

I think it's typical but I'm not overly fond of my MIL and she lives far away as does the rest of my husband's family so after the first year or two, I said no more. So I don't buy gifts anymore. If it reflects badly on me, I don't really care. I refuse to do EVERYTHING. I can see how it's much harder if you do like her/them and/or are close-by. But it is liberating to just say no. And just don't do it. If she blames you, she's perpetuating the whole "women do everything thing" and she's wrong for doing that. If she doesn't see that, it's really her problem. If you keep doing this, then it's your choice and really no one to blame but you. I mean that in a nice way. :)

I take care of my family and my partner takes care of his. I am so busy with work that I don't have time to be doing all this "emotional labor." I love my MIL and she's a lovely woman, but it's her son; she's not my mom. Of course, my husband would never not do something for her--but that's because of the relationship they have and doesn't have much to do with me. It's a tough call because it would make me feel bad to think my MIL was not going to have a lovely Mother's Day, but at the same time I'm only one person and can't do everything for everyone and still be a sane woman.

My husband takes care of the gift-giving for his family. I think I 'broke him in' early enough in our relationship and let him know that I am not his personal secretary. Fortunately, he is a great gift-giver and rarely disappoints!

Yes it is a man thing. I go crazy around bdays and christmas but come mother's day I only get my american mom something. If he wants something for his crazy looney mom, he should get it. I won't get her anything.

If I didn't get keep the holidays organized then DH would either forget to do anything or give too much $$. I keep us on track :)

You should mention to your husband to get his mom a gift and if he "forgets" then that's on him. ****edited to reply to OP's reply** If your hubby doesn't get his mom a gift and she's upset with you then that's her issue not yours. If she says anything about it you can just say that he probably didn't get her anything because of the way he was raised. That'll shut her up. Lol

Every marriage has its arrangements. In some families, the men do all the investing, or all the yard work. Perhaps your husband does something like this for you that you feel really clueless at. Woman are often the ambassadors of the family. If you really need to change this arrangement, make it happen. When it comes to these things, I often remember a time my husband and I went on a house boat trip with a bunch of friends. We women were hours in the kitchen cooking and cleaning, though we had agreed "equal time for men and women in the kitchen." I bitched and moaned, commented and remarked about how the men weren't pulling their weight. Then funny thing happed, we had to pull up to a pump station and pump our sewage out of the boat. All us girls hid, literally, from this job. But the boys didn't notice, they just jumped out and all took charge of our sewage. I was so grateful, I apologized for complaining about kitchen duty, and gladly did 70/30 kitchen duty the rest of the trip. So, either reflect on the proverbial sewage your husband pumps for you and be grateful for your jobs, or tell him you need to change things and put the responsibility on him.

I make suggestions and reminders, but DH is pretty good. He's just very busy so when I was looking for flowers for my mom, I sent him a list of possibles for his mom, too. He will chose one and order it himself on our behalf. I did pick out her card from the kids, though. Maybe he doesn't buy and is happy to abdicate the role because she's so hard to buy for.

Unfortunately it is up to us most of the time. I have to constantly remind my husband of someones birthday because he never remembers (or so he says). Luckily though for me, for our extended family a card and/or a call is fine. So no stress over a present. Now Christmas is another story!! That one I do stress. LOL.....Just get her a gift certificate to her favorite place and a card. Good luck!

Just another thought (I didn't read your other responders). Your anger is at your husband and the situation so be careful not to let that affect your relationship with your mil. I would say love your mil as your mother and let go of the frustration with your husband. You will be happier and so will she. As for suggestions about gifts, what about a journal? There are some really great ones out there that you fill in (similar to a baby book) and they record your life. Good luck!

Yep, it's a man thing. My husband has NEVER shopped for ANY presents, not for the kids or any other family members (except me!) When it comes to mothers day I decided years ago to skip all the running around and just send flowers. If that's out of your budget you can always go to your local garden center, buy some flowering plants, and a pretty ribbon and a card and you're done!
Mani/pedi gift cards are nice too, IF all your giftees live nearby, you can do one stop shopping at a local nail salon