Can This (My Cousin's) Marriage Be Saved?

I don't see the marriage as the most immediate issue here. I see Lana's mental health as the main issue. If what she is telling you is the truth, she has a severe case of depression and maybe more. Yes, shock treatments are still used to treat this today but only after medication and all other options have not worked. Eight sessions seems extreme, but remember, you are being told this by someone with recognized memory issues (shock treatments cause memory issues, that's how they work) and on-going mental health issues. Please take all information gotten from Lana "with a grain of salt".

I've been to couples counseling and known many other couples who have, also. Often, when someone says the counselor is "taking his/her side" it's because they don't want to hear what the counselor is telling them.

I don't know that there is anything you can do for Lana. If you have any kind of relationship with her older daughter, you might reach out to hear another opinion of what is happening in Lana's life. Otherwise, all you can do is listen and be supportive.

honestly, honestly, I recommend that you stay completely out of this one. My heart goes out to you, to your cousin....& more importantly to her family.

Take a step back & really look at what's being said:

Lana has been & is in therapy. She's on meds, she's suffering memory loss, & has high b.p. She's had 8 shock tx this year - that's almost 1/month! (completely astounding as far as I'm concerned!)

She quit her job due to her mental health issues. She's lost her DH & her family due to her mental health issues. Even her psychologist is on her husband's side! To consider her a victim....would mean that everybody else in her world is wrong. Not likely.

Doesn't this raise red flags for you? You, as her cousin, may "see" that she is a victim.....but what about everybody else in her world? Aren't they also victims? Aren't they paying the price for her mental illness?

It's not up to you to "tell" her what to do....or even what "you'd do". It is fully Lana's responsibility to take charge of her own life. You can pray for her, you can hold her close when she needs it....but, ultimately, you cannot heal her. Only Lana....& God can do that. I sincerely wish you Peace.

First off living with someone on xanax is like living with a zombie.. i get some people need it but my mom was INSANE when she was on it.. it changed her SO much and I couldn't stand to be around her... and shock treatments? They still do that?! It sounds like she needs a new psychiatrist AND a new therapist.. You may also need to consider that she's not telling you everything and it could be a way different situation than you think and the husband could be going through his own personal hell dealing with her mental illness (if she really has one?) I think it's too complicated of a situation to answer your question when you don't even have the whole story I'd stick with giving her advice to find a new doctor and new counselor/therapist.

Ok so she even admits to not telling you the whole story. You say she lives in a different state than you and she is seeing professionals.

Be an ear to hear but really she is getting massive help as is and you don't have the full story!

I believe any marriage can be saved with a lot of work. I would try doing The Love Dare. She can buy it at Wal-Mart for like $15. It would be a 40 day commitment on her part, but I have heard positive outcomes!
Best of luck to both of them and you!

It sounds as if your cousin may have Bi-Polar disorder? I think what needs to happen is that you don't take your cousin's problems on as your own. Don't take everything she says literally right now, and just be a shoulder for her to cry on. It's not your responsibility to hold her together per se but if you can guide her gently when you do speak with her, it would be a kindness. Just know that you don't have to make her your "cause." It sounds like what she needs most is knowing that there's someone in her corner who is listening to her. She has a lot of chaos in her life right now, and probably a lot of opposition from her perspective. She's lucky to have you.

Yes, I would say something in her life isn't right. Really, she is undergoing some extreme therapy, in which I would say it is probably true a lot of the marital issues are also her partly fault, as well as the issues with her daughter. She shouldn't be chatting with her daughter's boyfriend on fb by the way. Perhaps she really is insane and is having a victim mentality, in that case, not everything she tells you is likely the whole truth.

And I very, very rarely say those sorts of things. I think she and her husband need a new marriage counselor, and she needs a new therapist.

They can do things together like read the Love Dare, or Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue, but marital things like that can only go so far when one is suffering from mental illness.

Unless, her depression stems from being in an emotionally abusive marriage, but then I seriously doubt she would need 8 shock treatments.... which is an aggressive form to take for people who don't respond to anti-depressants. Memory loss is a symptom of shock therapy by the way. More about it here:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26044935/ns/health-mental_hea...

My church has 2 very short (3 mins long) inspirational videos about marriage, perhaps they will help her:

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

I agree, any marriage can be saved if both parties want it and want to work for it.

I know you are only getting your cousin's side, and she's family. There are two sides to a story, maybe she can't see her husband's side, maybe other outsiders see her depression at the cause. She has to find her own happiness and not depend on anyone else...

That breaks my heart about her pastor stating he is not a counciler. she truly needs to find a church family! Her hubby might be embarassed about his man hood! I suggest that Lana go with her husband to tend the animals, spend time with him and become friends again. She also needs a different source for a councler. A christian one. Hopefuly she will take notes on what she needs to work on that day and read it every morning. Even if you need to text, call or email her to remind her to look at her list to remind her due to the short term memory issue.

Your cousin has some severe mental health issues and I hope she is getting the right care. The scariest part of this, to me, is that she may not be qualified to evaluate a doctor, her care, her treatment or therapy due to her use of Xanax, and memory issues, and her husband sounds pretty well distanced from her, so I doubt if he is all that involved.....

More likely is that her mental health issues may be the cause for the distant husband, the absent daughter, even the lack of understanding show by her parents....

I agree with Sue W. that her mental health is most likely the more pressing issue and I agree with Sue H. that it would be wise to stay out of this--or very neutral at the least.

You sound very concerned and like a very good person. The Love Dare is an excellent book but she is not in a place to apply it right now.

Mental illness is the most important thing she needs to deal with. I married into a family that had bipolar, schitzophrenia(sp>), and such. Shock treatments are used on people with SEVERE depression. When a person is severely depressed, her perceptions are skewed. I honestly would NEVER get it, but I know others who say it helped. It is not done until many things have been tried.

Sometimes, in these cases, the person needs to be compelled to take medicine under the threat of being hospitalized against their will. It gets messy. If you are two hours away, there is not much you can do. Plus, you need to make sure you are not interferring with those who are daily involved and their attempts to get her the right help. I can't tell you how frustrating it is for some outsider to come in with their opinion and supporting the wrong things. Unite with those who are getting her help so you know how to help her and what she needs.