Don't Judge Me!!!

Generally I skip posts that use that phrase.
It means they don't really want advice - they just want sympathy.

"don't judge me" comes from people that don't really want others opinions on what they are asking they just want people to agree with them.

But I've also found that the number 1 problem with a forum is that you can't read tone. You can't hear the person that has typed it so many things are taken the wrong way simply because it's a matter of reading into it.

I think one, you have to NOT personalize anything written on here. People don't know one another... take the advice and or comments for what they are worth to you.. Secondly, consider this... While a poster might think they are conveying one thing in their post, readers might take it a different way. It's just like when two people read the same book, each one might view the story completely different and therefore, have different reactions.. same goes with posts.. Lastly, when someone is answering a post, most talk about what they themselves would do... which many times might be VERY different from the poster.. that said, it's not that they are judging.. it's that they would make a different choice.. and therefore, the poster might see it as judging..

I think you can express your opinion or disagree with someone without personally attacking someone or saying what they are doing is flat out wrong. Well, in most cases anyways, some people are just duh and need to be told straight forward. This site used to be a lot different, eveyone was kind to each other and very helpful, Im not really sure what happened. But I cannot post anything anymore without someone being really negative and just flat out rude.
I wrote a post about predicting a baby's gender and few basically jumped down now throat about it. Its getting a little ridiculous. Come on ladies, lighten up. So I can see why people are trying to express they do not want nor need negative comments.

Yeah I have seen that too. I actually have a little different take on it I think. I believe when someone posts that it is because they are probably sharing something that is close to their heart and they feel vulnerable. We really don't know each other on this site and yet we do bare our hearts and souls at times. So I think sometimes a "don't judge me" comment is really a "be gentle because my fragile heart is on the line". I think sometimes when others start going off about all the judgemental comments on a post it is most likely that they identify strongly with the poster or they feel that vulnerability and want to protect her or occasionally him. I put up some personal stuff once and just flat out said "hey this is tender, please be kind" not saying I wanted to avoid the truth only saying that I was just fragile in this area and needed a softer approach. I do think the fact we don't really know one another is huge. I mean I think a sign of friendship is that you can have an all out cat fight and then hug and make up and actually be closer, like that is true friendship to me. To someone else that could mean you shouldn't be friends. So in answer to your question, I think that everybody judges or they wouldn't even have an opinion but we are all tender in some areas and really want to be handled gently and feel beaten up at times if the replies are harsh in our opinion. Anyway, I am probably starting to talk in circles bc I am so freakin' tired right now, hope that made at least a little sense!!

I think that its sad that I just posted a thing on here few minutes after yours about how people should try and be nicer to others in their time of need because really when people are down on their luck and life really sucks these women dont need others writing in and being unecissary and mean to them, if you dont have anything positive to say then dont.
Anyways it really sucks that it got deleted. Makes me really sad, and it proves my point even more.

Updated!

Totally think there should be a "That wasnt nice flower!" Lol!

There is a huge difference between disagreement and judgement. Judgement is usually based on assumtion and I see that a lot on here. Where the responder fills in the gap with their own imagination.
I am very straightforward and blunt, but there is nothing wrong with being wise about how to say something.

I used to be blunt to the point of harsh with everyone around me.......until I was on the receiving end of my own personality. It was ugly........I understand why posters ask for no judgement.
What I don't understand is why a "no judgement" statement makes people want to judge all the more. Are we that lacking in compassion for hurting people?

We can be straight to the point and still tactful. I have flagged people. One woman's response to a poster's question simply stated, "It's because you're a b*tch".

There are some women on here that can give a dissenting opinion with firmness, grace and intelligence. I appreciate them so much! They don't seem to know about being petty, catty or assumptive. I always look forward to their responses.

I do think that many people who post here asking for advice or opinions truly only want to hear people agreeing with them. Which kind of defeats the purpose of this type of forum. My opinion is that if you are a sensitive type who cannot take criticism this is not the forum for you. There are many places for "support" in cyberspace that will not "judge" you for your particular situation. As for mamapedia-it is an extremely diverse and mulitcultural online forum -people from all walks of life post here. You are going to have to expect a little bit of "judging" when you post here.

That being said.....I do feel it is wrong to be mean when giving your opinions.

JUDGEMENT: the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.

People just hate it when someone doesnt agree with them. Yes, you can answer nicey nice or you can be realistic and say exactly what you feel. Some topics bring ire out in some of us. I think everyone should appreciate an answer they recieve, it means someone was interested enough in your post to let you know how they feel about it. People shouldnt judge the answer posters :)
What I find very rude and offensive and very emotionally immature is when some says "I dont agree with Lucy Loo's answer, who do you think you are?".... I think it's very rude to bring each other up negatively on the face of this board. If you have something nice to say, say it. If its mean or negative either pm it or better yet say nothing at all. Sometimes the last word should be silence and not something bitter and hateful. Practice that in your marriage and when finding yourself in an arguement with anyone. Rather than going on and on and on.... just stop talking, stop fueling, stop making a fool of your self.
Merry Christmas.

Perhaps if we notice a rude response, then each mama should empower herself to privately message that poster and say 'Hey, I think your recent comment sounded harsh. Maybe a touch more sugar instead if vinegar next time...?'

I mean, heck! I hope my responses don't come across as rude or offensive. However if they do, then how would I know if someone doesn't tell me? You write your post in your own style of writing; you read it in your own voice, but someone else might interpret it differently...

I think people parent differently, and I am okay with that. I get irritated when people think their way is the only correct way.

I think I understand what you mean. It seems some responses are truly harsh and hurtful -- and if someone takes exception to the tone, the commenter justifies it by saying the offended person "can't handle the truth" or that she only "tells it how she sees it" or anyone disagreeing is "judging" her. Our discourse here shoud be as we want it to be between our children: honest, courteous and respectful. Yes, sometimes it takes a bit to find the correct words, but other mamas who are looking for advice are worth it.

Jen B. said it well! There are certain questions I have posted and the tone of some of the responses really stung to read....I don't mind disagreement but I do think it can be done nicely. And there are some things that are personal and sensitive and I think it is ok to need and ask for polite support and advice in tough situations.
**And advice that is given in a neutral or non-judgemental tone is MUCH more likely to be taken into consideration than that which is given in a nasty tone. It is easy to see who disagrees yet still CARES and who disagrees and is only judging others to make themselves feel better.

Yes, I agree! I have seen "don't judge me" a lot lately and it is annoying. The posters who write this automatically put the postees on the defense. By writing "don't judge me," it really backfires b/c it makes the postee want to do nothing else other than judge them!

I totally agree with you. I think "don't judge" is kind of a dumb thing to say. Everyone judges each other all the time. And I agree that that phrase is used the most when someone is disagreeing with you or calling you out on your own faults.

However, as far as being really gentle when conveying our opinions. . . I think that is a personality thing. Some women are more gentle and sensitive than others, and may take direct, blunt communication as mean, instead of just direct/blunt. And some women, like me, are pretty straight forward, but that is how I prefer people to speak to me. Sometimes I forget that it can rub certain people the wrong way.

Personally, I feel like the best thing to do is keep the forum open. Free speech. If people are occasionally perceived as rude, I still think they should be here and I never flag other people's posts or responses. I hate the Thought Police and the PC police, so I would prefer rudeness to censorship.

I agree that there is a difference between "opinion" and "judgment" - at least there is for me.

None of us are right 100% of the time . . .

people say that when they cant handle the blunt truth that they really messed up. if they dont want an answer they may not like then they are asking the wrong set of moms lol. i have gotten down right mean things posted to me and i just let it roll off my back. i know that people have their own opinions and i try to take each one and work it into a way i can correct things.

Sometimes the "don't judge" comments are made or written in because someone made a choice and they do not want to hear why they should not have made that choice in the first place, or hear what they did wrong. Really, it already happened so why judge that choice is where I think they are comming from. The poster is now posting in the wake of the hurricane needing guidance to move forward thru the situation and that answer is the only answer they are looking for. I know you can not tell people how to answer however it can be VERY difficult to read a response that very well may have a great answer when it begins with "Well you shoulda, coulda, woulda ... and you would not be here now!" The responses that start along those lines are the ones where you as the reader/poster feels judged. I hope I got this across correctly.

I have to agree with the somewhat "Rude" replies. I am new here...I have only posted one question and don't get me wrong, I had alot of nice, caring good responses and advice. But there were a few very rude comments eluding to me not caring for my ds by making a plea for me to follow "her" particular advice. It has certainly made me stop and think and not post another question as of yet.....

I can honestly say that I have been on here for a long time and on occasion see women post this. I am confused too, primarily since I haven't been able to find the responses they are referring to. There was only one time a long time ago where a woman had a ton of really rude answers. Outside of that one instance, I think that some of the responses are just taken personally and misunderstood as judgment.

Come to think of it, I had a woman really give ME the third degree about her son having severe allergies. She wrote three paragraphs about how insensitive I was. Ultimately, I have a son with these kind of allergies and has been hospitalized numerous times for it. As a responder to her question, I was trying to give some thoughts and insight on dealing with it. From her perspective, she had no idea I was dealing with the same thing.

So you can see, we all just need to take the advice and answers on here for what they are, you can take it or leave it. More than likely, they are responding from experience or a first hand account not judgment, so need for "lest ye be judged" here.

Happy Holidays!

You are right--it is overused. I get a little annoyed when I see it in so many posts. But I just answer the ones I want to answer and skip the ones I don't.

Molly

I think that most of these kinds of posts are really seeking some validation instead of an opinion. They have deeper issues running instead of just simply asking a question.
I've learned the hard way and got caught up emailing with someone on here back and forth and I got uglier than I would have liked.
Also some people are frustrated and simply do some "trolling" on here.
I'm staying away from these types of questions.
And yes, some answers are just down right ugly.
There is not much accountability and people are hidden so anything goes.
C.

I agree with you. I sometimes realize what I say may not agree with other people, but I try to be as tactful and respectful as can be and still try to express my opinion. I think that's actually the beauty of a site like this- we can get a different input and we don't know the person.

I second the that wasnt nice flower :)

I don't mind when people disagree, but I think it's probably best to say things like: this is the way I dealt with this...
or I think that this is not great because... (instead of how could you... or you are not thinking... or other things that could be seen as insulting).

I usually am glad when I get all kinds of posts, and some I have to take with a grain of salt because they don't really know the whole situation (and I can't possibly explain everything about our family dynamics). but some really point me in a different direction than I have considered before.

95% of people can't see or understand another persons point of view or opinion. It's either their way or no way. I can be a blunt person, but when answering question on here, I just give my answer in a " This is what I would do, if I was in that situation".. kind of answer with a little bit of background of how I parent. I"ve seen women be mean, rude and downright hateful over spelling or how someone writes on here. Some women front different cultures can't speak english very well, let alone type, and some women from different economic situation don't type well. There are also ..yes I'm going to say it.. the " breastfeeding nazi's" on here. While breastfeeding IS best for baby, and at one time in our evolution as people that it was the only way to feed. More babies died back then, then they do now. Some women just can't do it, or don't produce. I've seen sooo many nasty comments about how the women asking the question, how she's not trying hard enough, or she's not thinking of the baby... Sorry got off on a tangent!

Like many women have said, when answering or trying to help someone, try to be as tactful as possible. After having a baby all our hormones have been all messed up and even the best of intention can be taken badly. I do also think that when asking a question you need to take into consideration of all comments, and not get offend.

Good topic for discussion!!

I say blame Wendy Williams! She says it all the time on her show. I'm guessing that's why that phrase is being over used. :)