Personally, I've always taken the high road. Never wished ill on another. Or sought revenge. Not a tit for tat kinda gal. A firm believer in Karma, I've never let the P.B.{Psycho B*tch} in me come out. (Willingly. I do have (and take medication for) Dissociative Identity Disorder, I do black out, and no, I don't know or have control over who takes my place.)
However, I've never felt more justified, nay, ENTITLED! to raise my P.B. Flag and seek retribution! An Eye fer an Eye, says Aye!
I broke up with my lying serial cheating ex of 4.5 years 2 years ago. The relationship was detrimental, traumatic, and left me emotionally void. He still texts me how much he wishes he could take it back, and how he wants to be with me.
All bullsh**.
Fine.
I've accepted that.
He wants to be with that Elmer-Fudd-sounding skeez.
Fine.
I've accepted that.
Now he's marrying the *&%#@!!!
Oh Really??!!
I figure I can handle this 3 ways: Egg his cars, Key his cars, or break the windows in his cars....(He loves his cars.) or the Crème de le Crème: crash the wedding and start flipping over tables, throwing cake, smashing glasses....
I know the mom answer is to continue to do me and keep on keepin' on, but I also know I'm not the only one who has or wanted to go all Kelly Clarkson on a guy. We are all women, and friends here. This is a safe place.
Please, share your story and how it felt letting your P.B. out to play, and how you felt after. Did you regret it? or Was it as Satisfying as I imagine? Would you do it again?
Just knowing I'm not the only Mom who has, has had, or has acted on these very unMom P.B. Thoughts would make me feel a lot better and could quite possibly save him (and me) from me.
Thanks for Sharing and not Judging.
So, I expected a few of the "I would never, I'm a mom" responses. Was even ready to receive words of wisdom, and advice. What surprised me, was how many thought was considering or intending to act out my dark thoughts and feelings. Insulted even. Then I reread my post and had to laugh, cause it totally sounds like I am going to act out in some way, and none of you know me so why would you know that I wouldn't? That's my bad. I was freewriting, blowing off steam, and just looking for fellowship in shared tales of fantasies fantasized and/or made into reality. I maybe should have asked that if you did not have a story to share, you need not reply but I wasn't trying to exclude anyone willing to take time out to answer my post.
Those that assume my feelings stem from mental instability or anger issues caused by unresolved trauma or lack of professional help, come on now. That's like blaming it on my period. I'm used to these misconceptions, but I assure you my mental illnesses do not define me or govern every emotion I experience. I am not the only woman/mom ever to have difficulty getting over a relationship or that is left feeling some type of way about it. Especially if you were forced to walk away.
I do still clearly harbor feelings of all kinds (resentment, anger, sorrow, loss, etc.) over that period of my life. Feelings, I agree, should be addressed. But saying I need therapy? Really? How is that helpful or insightful? I go to therapy, thank you. I was attempting to get a little group therapy here. I thought this was a safe place from judgement. A place to express feelings, vent frustrations, and unload mom guilt. A place to share quirks, stories, and insights, and gain strength from peers....
That being said, I want to be clear, my trouble-making days are far behind me. My flag has been retired for 9 long years. It felt good to shake it off and vent though. However, in the future I will do better at making my posts more clear. I appreciate your patience and all those whom replied whether they got me or not.
***Special Shout Out to the Ninjas, Tadpole, birdsfreakmeout, Suz T, gidgit, and those who shared an experience. Thank you for your story, your empathy, for not worrying about looking 'petty' and keeping it real. I was looking for a sense of comradeship and you totally delivered. Respect.
No, I don’t because I don’t want do anything that would destabilize my children’s lives. There is enough out-of-control-violent- craziness in the world around. I don’t want me kids dealing with that within their own family. No way. Not as a mama.
You broke up with your 'lying serial cheating ex'.
I think we can all agree that was a good thing.
But now that he's remarrying you want to do something destructive?
Um, why?
You seem to be having a whole lot of anger that he's moving on.
The opposite of love isn't hate and anger - it's indifference.
If you are truly over him - why should you care or even want to know where he is, what he's doing or who he's doing it with.
I do understand the anger.
My mom divorced when we were young and she always said she wants to out live him so she can go piss on his grave.
I told mom she really shouldn't let her anger define her - it kind of keeps you tied to him in an unhealthy way.
You really should work with a therapist to deal with this anger and get rid of it because the only person it hurts is you.
It might make you feel better for a minute, but really doing something like that is only going to make you look ridiculous and end with you feeling completely humiliated. Rather than giving him that satisfaction (of knowing that you still want him and that's the only reason you are mad), show him that you are too good for him.
Stop accepting his texts. Block him. Do not speak to him, do not answer his calls, do not give him any attention at all. You won't be able to see his reaction, but he will know that he no longer has any role in your life. He cannot affect your emotions.
Fake it till you make it! Make him believe, in all of your actions, that you really never give him a second thought. Your life is too full to even remember him. "Tom who? Oh, right, that boy I dated years ago. What about him?" Keep up that attitude and it won't be long before you really do forget him.
There have been some people I've met along my journey that I really don't like. However, I could not stand to let anyone else wield that much control over me or my thoughts, so no, this is no fantasy of mine.
I let the universe and natural consequences take care of the jerks I've met along the way. I would never want to risk my life, my well-being, or that of my family for someone I don't care about.
The best thing I can think of is when you cut someone loose from your life, sever the emotional ties as well.
The fact that you give so much emotional energy to someone who shouldn't mean anything to you anymore suggests that you still have some detaching to do from him. Don't do that publicly. You will only end up hurting yourself. Talk with your therapist how you can best let go of the the very strong emotions you have that still keep you tied to this ex.
Our energy and time are limited resources. There is no need to waste this much of your precious energy and time on this ex.
I really wish you the best and hope that you'll soon be putting all of that energy and time into doing great things for yourself and your children!!
I'm not familiar with the disorder you have so I can't relate to that, but have been very hurt and angry - sure.
I left a bad relationship and it was pretty stressful at first. I found focussing on me helped - not focussing on him.
I also found I was angry at myself and forgave myself. Then I let the anger/hurt go. I wasn't really angry at the guy.
Not sure if that makes sense. All my friends and family saw he wasn't a good fit for me, and knew he was kind of a smuck. I didn't see it - had to learn through experience. So I had to give myself a break and say "Ok ... I figured it out in the end". When I did, I realized I had that knowledge going forward and have done better. When we know better, we do better.
I ran into him later, and was indifferent - as B said. I smiled and he was just someone else - like everyone else on the planet. It was great.
I know that's not what you're asking, but focussing on you - treat yourself to something you really want to do - might be the way to go, instead of keying his car or crashing his wedding :) I know you won't, but it's far more healthy and positive. Remember, when you fill yourself with positive thoughts - then you attract better people into your life. I know that sounds corny, but don't let this guy fill you with negative thoughts. Block his number as Gidget says. Leave space open for better people to come in.
Don't let the negative (anger) define you. Move on - he doesn't deserve one more second of your time. You deserve to be much more happy :) He was just a learning experience and leave it at that.
ha ha!
what fun!
well, i think you should enjoy fantasizing about going all PB on your ex, and then you need to do some good hard thinking about why a lying cheating hound dog whom you righteously booted TWO YEARS AGO is still occupying your thoughts to that degree.
the closest i ever came to this was going to the bar where my husband's ex-wife worked. she was being a tw&t about the divorce and i wanted to shake her up. she got me tossed from the bar and we ended up in the parking lot yelling (fabulously creative) insults at each other. we both made a show of having to be held back from an actual fight, and i don't believe either of us actually wanted to go there.
it felt all adrenaline-y and macho at the time. but once that wore off, it was just sordid and embarrassing and jerry springer, long before jerry springer was a thing.
at least it was over a current relationship, not one long over.
and i wasn't a mom. being a mom ought to force a somewhat more mature response.
good luck.
khairete
S.
Committing vandalism is NOT right. No way. No how. If you feel that violent towards him? You need therapy.
No, I've NEVER damaged another's property. You shouldn't either.
I'm sorry...it's not right that you are so pissed off about an ex you broke up with 2 years ago. I personally would never act on thoughts like that because it would be unlawful and would make me too unstable for my children/family. I would never want to risk my children being taken away due to mental health issues. Instead I would stop caring about an ex and what he did or currently does...because he is not a part of my life anymore. I would just put him out of my mind. I would surround myself with healthy mature people that care about me and focus on them. If these thoughts kept being persistent I would make sure I talk to my doctor about it and I would make sure I go see a therapist every week who I'd make sure knows my diagnosis and specializes in that. It's exhausting to carry a grudge and not healthy to focus on past hurts. We all have a hard time with this sometimes. I wish you the best.
Updated
I'm sorry...it's not right that you are so pissed off about an ex you broke up with 2 years ago. I personally would never act on thoughts like that because it would be unlawful and would make me too unstable for my children/family. I would never want to risk my children being taken away due to mental health issues. Instead I would stop caring about an ex and what he did or currently does...because he is not a part of my life anymore. I would just put him out of my mind. I would surround myself with healthy mature people that care about me and focus on them. If these thoughts kept being persistent I would make sure I talk to my doctor about it and I would make sure I go see a therapist every week who I'd make sure knows my diagnosis and specializes in that. It's exhausting to carry a grudge and not healthy to focus on past hurts. We all have a hard time with this sometimes. I wish you the best.
On the plus side, you decided to unload a cheating low-life and you decided you were worth more than that. On the negative side, you’re still letting him dominate your thoughts.
So, your prior post refers to a 9-year-old daughter. Based on the math you put in this post, the ex is not her father, right? Do you have another child together? If not, why are you taking his calls and texts? Block his number and stop getting an ego boost out of him wanting to get back with you.
And stop calling the other woman a skeez. She’s not your problem. She didn’t cause the break-up in your relationship – HE did! If he cheated on you with her, he’ll cheat on her with someone else. If you can’t sympathize with her, then ignore her.
While you’re at it – ignore him.
You have a child. Are you seriously entertaining the idea of resorting to vandalism and mayhem to prove that he’s a lowlife? Three things will happen if you do that: 1) you will be arrested and your name will appear in the public police log for your child to hear taunts about, 2) you will be forced to take money that could go for her education, care and benefits to pay fines and restitution, and 3) you will teach her that it’s okay to lash out physically if she’s angry and that a woman isn’t strong enough to be without a man. You already had him in her life for 4 years; now you want him back in?
You say he was really bad for you. But rather than be better than he is, rather than STAY better than he is, you’ve held on because somehow you need to lower yourself to his level and show you can be as despicable as he is. I think you want to show him how strong you are, but upending tables and egging cars doesn’t show strength – it shows a lack of restraint, and it shows a lack of impulse control (which is exactly what cheating partners have). You are saying you haven’t had the last word, and you won’t stop until you do. But you know it won’t end there – you’ll be arrested or publicly humiliated at least, and you’ll show yourself to be the weaker person.
Anger, they say, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn’t work that way. It shows he still has control over you. It shows you cannot be content without a man – even a squirrelly, devious, cheater of a loser man.
Don’t be that woman.
Anger is your enemy. Time is your friend. Look, my husband’s ex has always been a shallow and bitter person. Always playing the wounded person, always trying to be mean and vindictive. Was I tempted to stoop to her level? Of course! Was I pissed when she said things in court that weren’t true or lied about doing drugs or spending the child support money on rock concerts instead of shoes for the children? Sure. But I forced myself, with help from other women, to take the long view. I did well at work, did great community work, and got my name in the paper for some nice things. My husband and I raised our son and continued to make a good weekend home for his daughters. Our son was written up and got his photo in the paper for some athletic stuff but also some charitable work he did on his own, and I’m sure it was super fun when my stepdaughters showed his photo to their mother. That’s not why I did it, of course! But you say you believe in karma – so wait for karma. And get some counseling for your anger so you can move on.
Even when he cheated, and when I was talking to the "other woman", I controlled myself and acted in a way that I felt was setting a good example for my children, because I am a mother and that has to come before my petty feelings. No matter what he has done he will forever be the father of my children and they love him.
Most of the time, doing the right thing is not the easy thing.
What will you accomplish by going psycho on him? You will be stooping to his level, that's what. You WILL be called the crazy, jealous ex.
I can imagine how angry and hurt you are by him. But egging his car, crashing his wedding..??? That all sounds like you are NOT over him.
My really good friend was left out of the blue by her husband. For a younger woman. She had small kids and was blindsided. For about a year she cried, and was a mess. But she NEVER reacted in a crazy way, and believe me I don't know how she didn't. He broke her heart and the kids heart. But she kept it together. Even when HE was an a**whole to her she maintained her dignity, and her class. I gained even more respect for her. And I asked her one day how she did it, and she said What is the point of being nasty, causing fights. It's over. My kids need to see that I'm ok, and I need my kids to be ok. And I'm not letting them take that away from me.
Four years later she is so happy, enjoys life and has a great time. And the new woman is so jealous and it actually causes fights between them.
Starting a relationship out of cheating usually never works. No trust.
Sit back and watch them implode while keeping your dignity. Vent all you want, but leave it at that. Show them you are the better person.
I would just sit back and relish in the fact that I didn't marry him and he is her problem. I could fantasize all day long but you don't need to get arrested and all those things could get you arrested. And I suggest you get with your councilor about these feelings and try to keep the DID under control. I know it's not always in your control but there are ways to work at it. And with the proper help you can integrate. My mother has DID and has almost full integrated and has been for years.
