I would really appreciate your comments. I've been thinking on this a long time. Do you believe some individuals are just born unhappy, is it learned behavior, or completely neurological (as in clinical depresssion)?
When I was younger I always believed I was a happy person. The older I get, the more unhappy I seem to be. My mother has always been somewhat of a negative person. I find the older I get the more negative I am. I complain until sometimes I get sick of hearing myself complain. Am I destined to be unhappy?
On a side note, I've been taking anti-depressants for about 6 months, and I feel right spiritually.
So what do you think?
Thank you all for your comments. I want to add that although I have been thinking about this for a long time, the question was the impetus for my finally posting the question was because I was fired from my job on Friday. When I asked for the reason, my supervisor told me legal counsel has advised him to say nothing more than what my letter of termination stated which was the board of directors of XYZ voted to terminate your employment without cause under the "at will" provision of your employment agreement. I was stunned. I am a hard worker and give way more than 100% working above and beyond my contracted duties. I am an analytical person, so of course like a pit bull, I hung on to as much of his and the business manager's time until I exhausted all questions I could think of.
The more I thought about it, the more I looked back over my employment history and thought about all the times I complained and would try to "fix" things that I thought were wrong. I'm also a vocal person, so I thought I was being helpful (most of the time). However, from time to time a close co-worker would comment to me that she was worried, because sometimes I would just bitch then laugh and she knew I was venting, but other times, she was truly worried for my well-being.
I knew I was reaching the end of my rope, because I was feeling extremely burned out. And although I had no warning whatsoever, I had just at lunchtime on Friday told this same friend, I thought I wouldn't be working at the job long. That I would be let go. She pooh-poohed me, because she knows how good I am at what I do, but it kinda freaked us both out that I had this premonition.
Anyhow, I digress. I have been thinking about counseling in addition to the meds for several months, now I guess I have the time to actually do it.
Thank goodness my husband still has his job, he is understanding and loving (we've been married for almost 17 years-together for almost 19), and he has insurance. The loss of income will make finances a bit tight, but not impossible.
I commented about the spiritual part, because I didn't want a bunch of comments such as "are you right with God?"
I asked my ministers and several friends, should I have a pity party or a life plan party, and knowing that I do have a sense of humor. The overwhelming response was life plan party, and I say I have to agree. Being fired will give me an opportunity to spend more time with my family, go to counseling, exercise more, and decide if that particular career was really what I am passionate about.
Again, thanks for your comments, ideas, and input. It has been very helpful.
J.
I became depressed after years of disappointment from friends and family. I was a very happy person until I graduated high school and began to see life for what it was.
What came to mind was "Man's Search For Meaning" by Victor Frankel. Completely agree with Elyse E. What I've learned is that my happiness comes from gratitude.
I think it's a combination of temperament and learned behavior. If what passed for conversation when you were growing up was "what went wrong today" and "something someone did I didn't like", it takes self awareness (which it sounds like you have) to stop.
Start putting your focus on what went right, things you like, and so on. Talk about these things. Write them down. With effort, you can change. Good luck to you!
I don't believe people are predisposed to happiness or unhappiness.
I do think a chemical imbalance could be responsible.
I also think having extreme parents: optimistic/pessimistic *could* influence a person's standard responses and outlook on life.
There's a difference between being wiser, more prudent, realistic and being a pessimist.
I think life is largely what you make it.
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
What types of things are you "complaining" about? Are we talking a basic life situation or getting too many red lights? LOL
Have you read Peace is Every Step? Very good book for focusing on your center and being present during ALL of life's moments.
All the best!
I don't honestly know. I was on anti depressants until I figured out it was my thyroid. I was put on synthroid and now I'm fine.
My mom was a very negative person. Fear ruled her life. But she also would be soooo nice to people and the minute they were out of sight she would say the most hatefilled things about them. For years I thought everyone was like that. But I learned.
I learned about being a truly nice person. If I don't like someone I don't spend time with them. If I have to be around them I am polite and that's it then I walk away. If I am around people I treat them the way I want to be treated. I smile. The more you smile the happier you will become.
I learned that being happy is a decision I make every day when I wake up. Do I like everything about my life--no. But I decided to subscribe to the attitude of gratitude. I am grateful for my kids and grandkids, my house, my car, ect. I tell myself daily how lucky I am to have my health and energy and a loving heart. I am a lucky person even though my life has not been easy or exactly the way I planned it.
Instead of complaining about having to clean your house or mow your lawn or weed your garden -- tell yourself how lucky you are to have a home, a yard and a garden. Tell yourself how lucky you are to have two arms and legs that work and you can take care of your home, you have good health and the energy to do what you need to do. You have the mental capacity to make positive changes in your life.
See how fortunate you are? You are a lucky person.
i think feeling right spiritually = happiness so i'm a little confused by that comment.
but to answer your other question, i think a lot of happiness is your attitude and that is part nurture and part nature. who is to say that your mother's negativity isn't just your "normal" so you feel somewhere deep down that this is as it "is" when you get older? or maybe it is truly chemical/biological and you can't help it.
the first thing i would suggest is to monitor yourself and curb the complaining. if you are getting sick of it, you can imagine people around you are probably sick of it too. if you keep the complaints to yourself and try to find the positive maybe that will help. it's possible this is just a bad habit of thoughts you've gotten into and that consciously trying to change how you think about things could help.
i would also have a good think about what you think would make you happy. everyone's definition is different, from what would make them happy to what the definition of true "happiness" even is. are you stressed about money? marriage? is something keeping you from having a good relationship with your child/ren? those things would be major happiness-breakers for me. but if those main things are okay, i'm usually good. (not talking "having a bad day/being unhappy", but true long term happiness). but again, for each person it's different.
i really hope you find your happiness J.. :) hang in there, it's worth it!
Life is what you make it.
You can see the glass as half empty or half full - the choice is yours.
Focus on the positive - find something good to say instead of the nag.
For example: Your kid empties the dishwasher but doesn't put the stuff away correctly. You focus on the positive: Thanks for emptying the dishwasher. You can put the stuff away again or you can say: Hey - you emptied the dishwasher last - where did you put the red spoon? I usually put it here, but it's not here. Any ideas?
They will get the picture and you have gotten your message across. This takes time... lots of time.
And patience.
Focus on the positives.
Enjoy your life and your kids.
They grow up WAY too fast.
LBC
J.:
No. I don't think you are destined to be unhappy.
No. I don't think people are predisposed or are born unhappy.
It sounds like you need a gratitude journal to focus on all the good in your life. When you start feeling the negative feelings, start writing about all the good things in your life.
Life is what you make it. If you have lemons, make lemonade. Heck lemons are a GREAT thing!! They smell good, are GREAT natural cleaners and so much more.
YOU CAN BREAK THE HABIT!! No, you are NOT destined to be unhappy.
DO NOT expect ANYONE else to take care of your happiness. That is YOUR responsibility. NO ONE ELSE'S.
If you have been taking anti-depressants - have you been talking to a therapist as well? Just taking the meds isn't going to break the habit - you need to learn how to break the habit of thinking negatively. YOU CAN DO IT. You have to have faith in yourself. Do not let other people determine who you are and what you want to be.
Like Ladybug says - it's your choice - half empty or half full? I choose half full. How about you?
I'm not really sure. As an adult, I'm pretty happy with what I have in life - husband, 2 kids, roof over my head. My kids make me smile daily. With that said, sometimes I just feel really sad with no real reason. When I think back to my childhood, I think it was the same way. My oldest daughter seems to be a lot like me. She is happy, smiles a lot etc. However, it doesn't take much for her to feel sad. Sometimes seeing a tree cut down makes her sad for the tree or she is sad anytime anything happens to someone she loves. I wonder if this is just part of being overly sensitive and in tuned to others feelings or if this is just the way we are wired.
You may not be a unhappy person, but you possibly are just looking at things in a negative way. So I think that can be entirly two different things. It is a habit for me to consistantly point out the negative and to want to change it, fix it, nag it. So I am workly very hard on myself to not do that. To be observant of the positive things and really pick and choose what is said and how it is said so it does not seem negative or bickering. So my advice is to work on the daily comments and enrich someones life each day including yourself. And the journal idea is a great idea as someone said. I would do that too. Lots of prayer to guide and change and be consistant.
Happiness is an attitude along with gratitude. The glass is half full in my case. Be grateful for what you have as others have said. There is always someone somewhere worse off than you. You have a home, food, a car that works and a job. How many people do you know that don't? Count your blessings.
Attitude. You are going to get up and you are going to do or finding something good to do for someone today with a smile. The more you smile the easier it becomes to be happy. Now find something that you really like to do even a hobby and make that a focal point. Meet people who are happy and that you enjoy and become friends.
You are responsibile for your happiness no one else. Now I have to get back to my pile of manure because there has to be a pony in here somewhere. Just like the lemons into lemonade. Use what you have in a positive way. Take a walk and smell the roses.
Life is too short to be grumpy.
The other S.
PS Sit back and just let the world go by and watch the clouds in the sky. what do you see? Peace and contentment.
Good questions. I will be back to read the responses.
I think that there are two components to what you are speaking about. There is happiness, which I might define as the state of being content. There is also attitude - whether you see the glass as half full or half empty. I think that attitude is where the negativity can come in. All of us come to the world with different genetic disposition and nurtured with certain attitude within our familiy. I definitely tend to be negative but I will usually see the behavior and try to soften it. However, as I get older (turning 50 this year) I feel crankier. I now know what it is like to view social changes (example: no need to be married to have a child) and sort of feel as if the floor fell out from under you. I feel it's these changes in the social mores that make me feel old, a little sad, and somewhat disconnected from society. I think it is this feeling that causes a person to felt more negative as they age.
It doesn't sound like you were born unhappy, and actually, it sounds a lot like my experience. It is partly biochemical... clinical depression, and a lot learned. When you don't have a good example growing up of how to fix what is bothering you aside from just complaining about it, it's pretty hard to do much else. My solution has been to as you said... take anti-depressants, but then also, go from there. Go to counseling. Spend time with others that seem to have a good handle on life. Try to listen to them, and ask questions... and try not to use their conversation to bring it back to you. Focus on what they're saying. It can be so easy to want to complain, but it pushes away the people that can teach you positive ways of dealing with situations. I've created a mantra in my head... the age old one of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". This doesn't mean let people walk all over you, but there's a time and a place to address issues, and until you figure out part of it, you can't get it all. You're still going to stumble, and you'll probably piss some people off, or offend them, or wish you had said something and didn't... but... eh... you're gonna learn from it.
Another really important aspect is to try to create meaning in your life, and try to keep yourself busy with a purpose. If you are busy doing something fun, it takes away from complaining time, and can help you meet other fun people. Try not to gravitate towards other complainers, but if you do, be quiet, and listen as well... you'll really understand why you don't want to do it anymore.
I have found it to be a combination of many things...some that are not easily explainable. Some people are born that way. My youngest is one of those that seems to walk around in wrapped up in a bubble of joy. Other people, like myself, have to make it a daily priority and examine things thoroughly.
Within the past couple things, I've found two things that make me ecstatically, joyously happy, and they were things I never really expected. It really surprised me because I couldn't believe that it took me this long in my life to figure these things out.
I'm sure there is a lot to do with body chemistry and aging, too. But that being said, I think the only way you are "destined" for unhappiness is if you chose it.
I think happiness goes along with personality to some extent, but it doesn't have to be your destiny to be an unhappy person.
My mom is one of the most positive, happiest people I've ever known, and I'm just like her. My students comment on my happy nature all the time. They ask me if I smile even when I'm upset with my kids. :) I see the goodness in everything, and I appreciate the little things in life. When disappointments happen, I automatically start trying to find the good that is to come. I don't know if I learned it from my mom, or if I got it from her genetically. I also married a man who is much the same. I guess I was drawn to a positive person.
I also think there are people who truly suffer from chemical imbalances, and others who simply look at things more negatively. It sounds like you are getting the help you need medically and spiritually. I hope you are able to find the happiness you seek.
The first thought I had was: happiness-what's that? haha
But seriously, I always thought I was happy. I find there are circumstances where I am more challenged than when I was younger, which can certainly create unhappiness. But I also think we have a role in some of it and can choose under a lot of circumstances (not all I say- A LOT). You see we cannot chose to sit and chuckle at a funeral, because the circumstances don't really warrant it, unless like a brief moment of joviality, we talked about putting a phone in my sister in law's coffin when she died because she was always on one. But is it possible to be happy all the time? NO. This world tries to make us think that if we aren't happy twenty four hours a day (look at the ads on television for instance) then by golly, we must have a problem. Now if we want to pout just to punish people for their misdeeds fifteen years ago or what they did to me when I was five, then I really think we are choosing unhappiness.
Do I get unhappy when there is no sun out? Yup, feel really blue. And I am positive it is chemical, I can physically feel myself change.
I think my mother and yours are cut from a similar cloth and my mother, despite life long beauty and fairly good health (she did have breast cancer), she is negative and jealous of so many people and I try to ward that off.
And then there is my son who appears so depressed and he has been classified with a depression condition. But he appears to fight it for the most part and is very actively taking medications, busy, busy with his life and sometimes does go way low and I cannot tell if it is his choice or if he really does not have control. But he seems to be okay in public.So is that learned behavior? So, I don't think I answered your question at all. But I applaud you for writing it, and for actively participating in your own decision to make life happy -by taking your medications and seeing that negative behavior can be wearing on others.
To answer the final part of this: No, no, no you are definitely not destined to be unhappy because you actually think about it and know that you don't want it. Hugs and happiness to you.
Read "Awakening Joy"! It addresses all of your questions directly! You build your habits!
Try a different antidepressant... SSRI's never worked for me. Most people need to try several different kinds to find the one that works best for you.
I've been feeling the same way recently. I want to sleep all the time (everyone is different) and welbutrin helps. And of course exercise and eating healthy.
Good luck to you.
I raised my daughter by myself, having left her father just before her third birthday. He wasn't around much for those first three years.
I realized then how much of a person's personality is inherited as opposed to learned. So yes, I think unhappiness can be inherited.
You have half the battle won - you recognize this in yourself and you recognize it in the moment. When you start hearing yourself complain, take a minute and think, hey, I'm seeing this glass as half empty. Let me start seeing it as half full. If you make a conscious effort you can change things around.
