Mother's Day: Let Down

I kind of feel like these things are traps.
The moms have all these expectations and the men in their lives are walking on eggshells over it.
I really believe that happiness is a choice.
Look for reasons to be happy instead of finding fault anywhere so you can be unhappy.
I have a collection of mother's day cards from my husband/son that have my son's hand traced on it.
It's fun watching how big his hand has gotten over the years!

Please read this question, which a lot of people recently chimed in on. As you'll see, opinions vary wildly on this...
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/14023278333136273409

You know, I just don't get all wound up about things like this. In our family, we celebrated each other and showed appreciation all during the year. If we found out 1 person really wanted something or needed something, we got it then and did not wait for the "holiday" to make the big deal out of it.

I am blessed because my husband did always make sure our daughter recognized me and I did the same to make sure he was recognized as well. BUT.... it was not something that was expected or anyone felt entitled to.

My daughter is 21 and she was over the top this Mother's Day because it was the first without my husband. We have both learned to appreciate each day because you are not promised tomorrow. To me... it is not worth my time to be upset or feel slighted if someone did not say Happy Mother's Day or Happy Birthday to me. It is another day. I feel better by doing something for someone else.. that makes me feel good.

Wow, there is so much pressure over these man-made holidays. I don't get it. My two children know that we are to celebrate each other every day of the year. Love is on-going and continuous and immeasurable. Please don't confine it to one day. In my home, we no longer "celebrate" any "holiday" traditionally, because I teach my children to be conscious of what we have daily. No exception. I give them gifts throughout the year.....hugs, kisses and quality time throughout the year, balloons and teddies throughout the year, etc. Please see the bigger picture and embrace everyday as a "holiday".

I don't get my panties in a wad over Hallmark holidays.
My family show our love for one another daily.

The fact that you're not his mother is absolutely irrelevant. You are the mother of his child, and for that you deserve his appreciation (sorry, HUGE pet peeve!!!)

I agree that reading Starr's post is a good idea:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/14023278333136273409

Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Don't get upset. Don't speak to him when you are emotional. When you are calm and things are not busy and the two of you can have a few minutes together let him know that Mother's Day is important to you and that you expect him to recognize you next year. Then be specific with exactly what you expect him to do. Be reasonable, but do be specific.

Make sure you model those expectations of Father's Day. He does deserve to be honored as the father of your child. Don't do this just in the hopes of reciprocation. Do it because you love him and you know he deserves to be recognized.

I'm so sorry! My husband is always good at Mother's Day. No, I'm not HIS mother but I AM the Mother of HIS kids. He appreciates all I do and have done for our family.

Honestly if my husband ever said that to me I would be like "damn straight I'm not your mother but I AM the mother of YOUR kids. Jerk!!!" And then I would leave the room! (I like to be dramatic!)

I have read over the last day women justifying their husbands not getting them anything because they aren't their mothers. I don't agree with that. I appreciate that my husband values my role in our family. He knows the sacrifices I have made for all of them. I feel its about respect. But that's just me!

So yes, I believe you are justified to be upset and hurt. Your husband was a jerk and honestly so was your daughter.

Shame on him . . . he should care and should of made sure that your daughter was going to do something as well (she did, but only after the fact - she is only a kid though and it was your husband's job to make sure she was on it). I totally agree that he should be acknowledging your role as a mother and what that means to HIM.

I did have the earlier post about this subject - and my heart goes out to you knowing how much it hurts. Not everyone will agree with how I decided to handle it, but no one knows their own marriage better than the people in it. I believe in finding a way to solve the problem as a team - not walk off in a huff, buy expensive items to teach a lesson, or simply plan my own Mother's Day (I still don't understand the point of that). The one thing I am going to do is this Father's Day, I am going to walk my husband through what I do for him - not as a "here is what to do exactly my way" but rather just some steps that I take that might help him do a better job (like thinking about what he would like or if I am planning to take him to dinner call for a reservation first, that kind of thing). I don't know if your husband would benefit from helping you plan his day? Maybe not, I don't know. But I would never change how I treat my husband on any holiday because of how he treats me . . .

Of course you are. You should read Starr's post from the other day - you might get some great opinions there. It's the one about "are men stupid?"

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/14023278333136273409

I think it's okay for him to encourage your daughter to start to do things on her own as she gets older, but to back off entirely and do nothing? Wrong, IMHO.

What does your husband expect on Father's Day, by the way?

I used to be disappointed. And I realized it was because my husband would go to the store and ask someone what to buy me, and it had nothing to do with my kids. So I got a gift - but it was meaningless to me. I had a very pricey electric fry pan. And I had all these little kids and they didn't even go with him.

So I came up with a list. Each kid picks out one item on the list every year. It's a tradition. I have a son who gets me pajamas from Victoria's Secret every holiday. Another one picks out chocolates for me. It's whatever they think I would like. And it's funny. It changed Mother's Day from being from my husband (who is clueless) to a pretty inexpensive fun sharing thing with my kids.

So maybe think of what you would like as a tradition. And then get them on board. If you have to give ideas, that's ok. To me, I think it's about sentiment more than anything. I know I like traditions. My husband did not grow up with any in his family. So he didn't know what I meant by that.

Now I love Mother's Day. I get the rock hard pancakes ... but just ask your daughter to make you breakfast in bed. Tell her that would make your day. Or what about getting manicures with your daughter? To me, it should be more you and your daughter. I think your husband should facilitate things - like book an appointment and pay for it.

I do the same for my husband for father' Day. I have a list. One son picks out lures. One son knows what magazine Dad likes. Another picks out a ball cap that's usually ugly. Beer. Etc.

It makes things fun is all. I don't think men should be excused. And they should put effort in. But no harm in asking for what you want. I was a lot happier when I did.

I would ask hubby in private, why he didn't coordinate anything when he always has in years past. Why the change now? And then I would let 12 year old know that next year she's old enough to do it herself...ahead of time. But it sounds like a cycle of entitlement and ingratitude to me...that's a shame :( Sorry mom. If this is the way they are and have always been, I'd say you created your own monster by allowing yourself to be treated that way. But the fact that you say normally dad organizes something, makes me wonder what's different.

I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I understand. I will say this....it's a day that was labeled by somebody.
I try not to put too much emphasis on it. My husb is happy with just sitting in his easy chair watching tv
all day long. This is what Ive learned over the year...."Don't expect anything and make of it what you want".
That means I never expect anything, my kids make me some cute craft and if I want to go out to eat, I ask.
Now on my birthday, I like a little more but again I never expect anything and I do what I want meaning I buy
myself a mocha, some cheap flowers and get takeout from wherever I want. Somebody chose this day so moms get
some credit. Was it Hallmark? Maybe. Who cares who started it. My husb says I'm not his mom. He's right so I loved
the card and picture my youngest made me. Next year, I might say to hubby "I won't be making breakfast, how
about if we go to this place to eat?" If he doesn't want to, say ok pull out the scones, donuts, juice you
bought ahead of time and let them all enjoy. Then drive yourself to Starbucks buy a mocha, go to the nearest
grocery store buy a magazine and go get a pedicure. Maybe even go clothes shopping. Try not to let yourself
get down. Make what you want out of life and let the stuff like this roll off your back. Treat yourself to
something today....when you read this. Hugs and best wishes.

I would be upset, too.

That is a bummer, I'm sorry. Sweet that your daughter stepped up in her own way, that's awesome of her. Mostly, I love the way Mom of 1 thinks- Father's Day could be payback! Though I'll bet you wouldn't want your daughter to see that, but you can dream!

Why are most folk more upset at husband than daughter? She is 12 and not a baby. She seems very self-centered and savvy. She threw the blame on her dad, rather than shoulder it and apologize to her mama. Why?

And WHO (probably mama) bought her that phone that she so late and lazily used to make the picture? She is the daughter, not dad.

I bet she needs no reminding that her birthday or Christmas is near.

It is odd that your husband planned something every year but this one. I think you should ask him about that.

As for your daughter, you have to teach her what you want her to know about you. This isn't something to leave up to her father. If you want her to make a card or buy a gift (meaning she should ask daddy to take her shopping) then you need to gently make suggestions in the couple weeks leading up to it.

I'm not into Mothers Day as an event occasion so I prefer that my husband not plan something. I mail cards for mothers & fathers days. Sometimes I'll send along a gift but not always. My husband likes to tease me by asking if I want to go out to brunch. With the hordes of moms/grandmas?! No, thank you!

Because I don't think it is important, my kids have grown up not making a big deal of it either. After elementary school, the moms day projects and such stopped. I don't need any more cards or clutter, I just like spending the day at home with them. When they are grown and out, a call would be nice.

I can forsee this being an issue should they marry women who do think it is a big important day. I guess the topic of occasions and expectations should be added to the list of pre-marriage discussions along with kids, in-laws, money and religion.

I always thought Fathers Day should be before Mothers Day so that guys can have something to go by, because these silly Hallmark Days are traps!

I actually think your daughter is plenty old enough to do something for you herself. She could've made you something or asked Dad to take her to get you something.

You have choices; let it go, treat him on Fathers day how he treated you, coach your daughter on what you expect (she is old enough), buy yourself something for Mothers Day.

Personally, I don't get into these Hallmark days. Once in a while my husband will do something great for me, other years he'll say Happy Mothers Day and thats to the extent of it, usually because I tell him not to do anything.

I would be upset only that he made a comment like that. Your daughter is 12 and could have done something...my oldest is 12 and she did her own thing. My boys are 9 and 11 and they helped my husband in picking cards and gift cards.

Mother's Day isn't for us moms to GET something though. It's a day to spend doing what makes us happy (because Hallmark says so) and it doesn't have to be what is normal for anyone else. You decide on what makes you happy and you make it happen. It's not up to others.

I'd talk to your husband about the comment and then let it go. It's Hallmark, not your anniversary.

I have heard alot of men say that!..I don't agree..your his daughters mother and since she is young he should be the one helping out with bday, mothers day gifts:(
I would of been upset..I would talk to him about this.

What a jerk your husband is. I'm so sorry that he said that he said that to you. Especially in front of your daughter.