My Mother Drives Me Crazy!!!

She needs Therapy.
Seriously.
She is harming you/others/herself... with her TOXIC behavior.
She has 'arrested development" and is acting like a child.

Do NOT let her, manipulate you.
Tell her, YOU got over it... so she should too.
A drama queen, cannot manipulate others, if they do not feed into it.

all the best,
Susan

HA! My mom did this to me too sometimes I just get her back... "yeah, remember that one time you acted like a crazy b*#@ in front of my friends? They still think your nuts to this day. You're welcome."

But seriously, I think I would stop listening to her stories and tell her honestly how it makes YOU feel for a change, "You know, that was a long time ago. I really don't need to hear it again. You hurt me in a lot of ways too and I have enough respect for you to not constantly rehash it and give you the gift of forgiveness. If it seriously bothers you this much, then perhaps you need to be talking to a therapist, but please don't talk about these ting with me anymore. How can you enjoy life while hanging onto all of this baggage all the time? Seriously, it's not even fun being around you anymore."

Whatever you do, do not apologize!!!

I think I would ask her flat out, "Why do you bring these things up? I can only assume you are trying to hurt me." Maybe that will make her stop and think.

Sounds like she doesn't have the whole "forgive and forget" thing nailed down yet--especially the FORGET part. Remind her of that.

Personally, I'd hang up when she starts a rant and if she calls back just tell her "That's in the past. I've apologized and you still haven't forgiven me. Call me when you do." Insist on her saying the words "I accept your apology (ies)."

(Bet you never flipped anyone off near a mirror again!)

you can't change what she does. you can only change how you react. the fact that she can still make you nut up is apparently sufficient incentive for her to keep it all alive. yes, the advice for her to get counseling is probably good, but YOU can't make her do that, and she's not on this site asking for help.
you need to figure out a coping technique that's in keeping with your personality and ethical structure. it sounds like you have already tried many useful strategies, so maybe sift through them and figure out which ones a) felt best to you after you did them and b) which ones had some effect on her.
it may well be that there is nothing you can do to change her. so you need to define your boundaries, draw them firmly and stick to them. it may involve cutting her off to some degree, although i hope not.
good luck!
khairete
S.

my mom is that way, only she's that way to people who've done her wrong like my dad for walking out on me and my 2 brother's (one half, didn't know him growing up still have not found him) and she's that way about her current husband whom she's in the process of divorcing. I'll vent to her about my ex husband who does not help fiancially and really gets his life handed to him (his house is in his mom's name-and yes i'm going to ask for proof that he supports his household alone) yet he still gets to see his daughter on his scheduled visitation then some and when i vent to her she brings up every little thing my dad did, i finally asked her if she wanted my dad's number i'll give it to her and she can call him about it, and she started hushing herself about it a little better.(i may be an adult now, but it's still between mom and dad)

some people have a hard time letting things go, i know i do, but i don't let the world know the grudges i hold and in person i try not to show it

Sounds just like my mother. She always turns everything around to make it about herself and was a bully to me and my sister while we were growing up. For so long, it has been very difficult for me to really let go and tell my mother everything I feel about her, I guess those old feelings come back of being afraid to set her off. Finally, I did. On my son's first birthday on October 24, she picked a fight with me! I let her have it. I told her what a bully she was and how selfish and childish she could be and how she dredges up ridiculous things from the past. I didn't hold anything back, it was so liberating for me!! I told her that I loved her, but I didn't want anything to do with her until she took a good look at herself (I, of course, admitted my shortcomings). She got mad and we didn't talk for 3 weeks, but she called me and we had a great talk and she admitted that she knew how she was and she is trying to change those things. Anyway, maybe you should just tell her. I know for some people it is hard to see themselves the way others do so maybe it won't do anything. I just exploded after holding everything in for 30 + years. Don't apologize anymore for things that you did as a child, that's insane and it's equally insane that your mom can't let it go. It seems as if she has some lingering issues that are about her, not you. I can't really give you any real advice, its just that I have a mom just like yours, but I've learned that it's not my fault its hers. You have to stop acting like you did something wrong, because you didn't. Maybe you just need a break from talking to her so you don't stress about it anymore.

S.,

You are entertaining the drama by your reactions. Accept that it IS the way your mother deals with her problems. She is NOT going to change if you've had to deal with this many times before. In a case like that listen to her talk about it over and over and then YOU let it go. By you letting it affect you, means you are playing into her victimization and going back to a child again. Ignore, change the subject, acknowledge her hurt "Ok M., I understand you are hurt, but you need to let that go" versus getting upset with her ALL over again because she is repeating herself about what you did. She is not doing it to directly annoy you, it is her way of venting, it so happen that part of the vent is what you did way back when. So next time, listen to her, occupy your mind with something else to avoid getting emotionally involved, or just tell her to vent to someone else. Good luck.

Parents that do things like this are just vile to me.

Perhaps she's jealous of you and has to knock you down to size, keep you in your place, etc.

You can try letting her know how you feel but it probably won't do much good. If it were me I would DISTANCE myself from her.

Good luck and I'm so sorry you've gone through this with someone that you ought to be able to trust with all your heart.

Hi S.,

Be thankful that you still have a mom and that she has her memory. I lost my mom 4 years ago and I would give anything to have her driving me crazy again :) and she did drive me crazy at times, but I miss her so much. Please keep in mind that you will not have her with you forever and please don't waste the precious time that you've been given with her. I pray you're not offended by my post...I just wanted you to see another side.

And she's NEVER done anything hurtful to you? If she has and you've moved on, maybe now would be a good time to share the wisdom of how you moved on and why it was beneficial to your well-being?

Otherwise, maybe you can recommend a good counselor to her to help her through it because clearly you are not the answer and don't have a solution that would be beneficial or such old things wouldn't still be so painful for her.

Either way, you have your own life to worry about and make happy right?

Just my initial thoughts:)

Yes, completely ignore her when she starts. I mean get and leave with a stone face. Do it every time. She will eventually stop beating a dead horse.

I like the answer about singing "Memories..."
I think your mom actually can't help talking about memories as they occur to her, much like some people break into "Take out the papers and the trash..." every time they take out the trash (OK, so maybe that's just my personal problem). She just needs you to provide her with a cue to let her know that she's already revealed that memory to you before and doesn't need to again. Tell her you like listening to her and that you want to, but that you need her help to come up with a cue to tell her when she is bringing something that you would rather not remember. Maybe suggest the phrase "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt" as a cue, or yeah, the song "Memories!"

How about belting out a really annoying song and singing over her when she does this, like "Memories" from Cats or something. I don't think she is still hurt by any of this, I think she is just trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself so she can get her way about something?

What are some really annoying songs about apologizing or something. How about "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston where if you can't sing, it sounds extra annoying.

Wow! How old are you now? And she's still living in the past? I'd probably just ask if she did any stupid things when she was a teen and if her mother held it against her all the days of her life? If the answer is "I'd never disrespect my mother like that!" Then, say, "I wish I could take back every stupid thing I've ever done, Mom, but I can't. That was over 20 years ago. If I've done anything now that equates that, I'd think we have a problem, but I as a child. But, I'd like to think we've grown past that and have a much better relationship." If that doesn't help, you'll have to understand some things about life. Sadly, we don't get to pick our relatives. If she continues to stay in that place, you can't make her move out of it. After you've given it the old college try to let her know that this is really bothering you, you'll have to decide what you will do if she never changes. Honestly, it's Mom, so you're not going to stop talking to her over this. But, you can control your reaction. If she never changes, have a plan of how you will handle your calls to her and the frequency. When you pick up the phone, take a deep breath before calling her and find something positive to do when you get off the phone with her. It's almost like dealing with a toddler, sometimes you have to redirect them from bad behavior. Change the conversation, and if that doesn't work, let her vent, cry, change subject again, and think about the new color of nail polish you'll wear when you end the phone call.