Would This Bug You, or Am I Just Being a B*tch??

Sounds like we have very similar MILs.

Here are some tips I use:
1. Expect NOTHING from her. Anything she does "for you" is a bonus.
2. Deal only in factual-exchange conversation (Ex. What time should I bring/are you picking up the kids on Friday.
3. Smile & say Thanks--even when you want to rip her face off.
4. No O. can live up to "what you think they were going to be like."

well, it's not such a big deal that i'd make an issue out of it or prevent her from seeing the kids or anything (not that you've suggested any such thing.)
but to be aggravated and vent about it?
you betcha!
khairete
S.

I cringe when I hear women suggesting that they (or other women) are bitches. My personal wish would be that we just accept that all our thoughts aren't always rosy. That's human, and it's okay to be human!

But let me ask you a question that springs out at me from exactly what you wrote:

Is it possible that you also do exactly what you are accusing your MIL of doing? Two points seem apparent to me.

One is that you want HER to be available only when YOU want her services. The rest of the time, she can cease to exist, and you'd be all right with that.

The other is that you may have a touch of the martyr yourself. Your MIL didn't follow through when your husband was out of town. You're nursing a grudge over that, and it's affecting your feelings toward your MIL, and it sounds like you haven't told her that this was/is a problem for you.

That, my dear, is martyrdom, pure and simple. You will want to 'punish' her for the way she failed you, without ever letting her know exactly what you need and want and expect from her. If you will have an honest discussion, you may be surprised at her responses. She may have a perfectly good reason not to have called you that week. Perhaps she thought you didn't want her help because you didn't call. Perhaps she was reacting to some unspoken message she thought she got from you. Perhaps her son told her she should have persisted in spite of your lack of communication, and perhaps now she's over-compensating.

Perhaps something else. Point is, you'll never know until you both have a chance to air your feelings, needs, and misunderstandings.

I hope you'll do it. All the best.

so....you're mad that she DIDN'T call to offer to take the kids when he was out of town. And you're mad that she DID call to take them Friday. You didn't take her up on her offer to keep the kids that week and you didn't return her repeated calls this week. You are mad that she doesn't answer her phone and takes a long time to answer, but you didn't answer her calls and are are not returning her calls in a timely manner. You are mad that she wants them when it's convenient for her, but you only want her to have them when it is convenient for you. Your husband married his mother. Of course it bothers you. She IS you!

I dont know how you guys built that "wall", but you ought to take it down. If you need her to watch the kids you should be able to call and ask and if she feels like she wants the kids she shouldnt have to feel bad to call and ask.
Neither of you are mind readers. You seem like you dont really want to even talk to her, since you dont answer your phone, and she you since she doesnt answer hers. You guys need to sit down with some coffee and have a talk and fix the arrangement.

My honest opinion, you sound pretty selfish. No grandparent is obligated to help you with your children or watch them so you can get a break. If you need help, then ask. I personally never offer help if the person needing it beats around the bush waiting for an offer instead of asking. I will offer if I see a need that I can meet, but not if they are just hinting around for it. There is something to be said for humility and thankfulness. I say, reach out more and I bet she will start to reciprocate.

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Peg M. Sounds like alot of the same traits on your part (self martyrdom). Grandparents should only to take care of our kids when its convenient for them as they already did the work of rearing their own kids.

You have decided how your mil "should" be. How is that working for you? It sounds like it is just creating a lot of frustration and stress. What would happen if you dropped the "should" and just saw who she actually is (regardlesss of whethere she should or shouln't). If you step back, observe, release the "should", and really be curious you might be amazed at what happens. Even if your mil has behaviors you don't like, you can simply learn to set boundaries, communicate openly, clearly, and directly, and make choices about how you interact with her.

What you are doing instead is getting stuck (banging your head up against the brick wall of "shoulds") and basically giving up your power. We usually do this unconciously. We get so focused on what we think the other person should be doing (which we will never have any control over) that we never see what choices we might have.

Define what you would like to do within this relationship knowing full well exactly how your mil is rather than how you want her to be. See what is and then choose accordingly. We can wait our entire lives hoping that the other person will show up differently. Why do that? Take your power back. Stop "shoulding" on your mil. And make some choices that you actually have some control over such as boundaries and communication.

Look at it this way, shes offering to take your kids off your hands for a little while. Why not call her back and let her take them! I know I would in a heartbeat, specially if I needed a break!!!

I also agree w/ Grandma T, if you ever need help call and ask her. A phone call goes both ways. My aunt annoys the heck outta me, but when she calls and asks to take my almost 2 year old, I jump on it! Even if that means I have to take 5 phone calls from her! I'll take a little bit of me time any chance I get (which isn't very often). I also have no problem asking for help from my family...even though they don't help much (maybe 2 times out of 10).

If she only lives minutes away, why not stop by her house :)

I don't think you are being bitchy, you are just annoyed. Theres no right or wrong. Everyone has their moments!

She does seem to be a lady who has her fair share of quirks and those quirks can be annoying for someone so close within the family circle like you are. What you have described would have really bugged the heck out of me when I was a lot younger but now that I'm older, I'm doing a lot better at accepting people for who they are (both the good and the bad -- we all have it) and not allowing myself to get drawn into their drama. If you MIL is not reliable or has a tendency for setting you up for disappointment, then it is best to accept her for who she is and don't expect any differently from her. This is just her method of operation and there's no use fighting it or getting upset about it (although I know it is hard not to) because she's probably always going to be like this. No use expecting her to be something that she is not or expecting her to react a certain way when she is just not built to think and behave like you. It would be like hitting your head against the wall repeatedly for no good reason.

That's just how I see it.

I can understand how that can be annoying. =) I have to let things go because I'll do that too. I had a rocky road with my MIL in my early years of marriage so I'm kind of zero tolerance with her. She's changed a TON we have a great relationship but I still have to approach situations with a good attitude because she can be a bit persistent when she wants to. I usually just let my husband plan things unless it's a situation like what you describe. If my hubby is out of town, no one will check on me or anything unless I call. I prefer it that way. I've been invited over for dinner before when he's gone but otherwise, they let me be. I don't think it's intentional or disrespectful. She may not have realized how important it was for you. Also, try to ignore her persistent phone calls. If you miss a few calls, get back to her when you can and ignore her drama. If you ignore her drama and treat her with respect (I'm not saying you're not) then she'll come to realize that playing the martyr with you won't get a response so she'll get board with it. Good luck!

It sounds to me like you need to work on communicating. If you wanted help you need to ask for it. I understand not wanting to ask. In my own life I have to ask for payment from my daycare parents sometimes and it makes me feel bad. But I choose how I will think about things. A bad thought comes in and then I reframe that thought and think about it another way. The parents get busy. Your mother in law must have interpreted you not calling to mean you hand things well in hand. I'm sure you did. It's been my experience that we are less in need of a break as we are feeling like other people should just KNOW we need a break. I agree with the other poster. People are not mind readers.

Sounds like a lot of miscommunication. Maybe she didn't call while your husband was away because she was waiting on you to call her. Maybe she just has an odd way of asking if she can take your kids for the night or whatever. It sounds like you're so defensive already. You have to let it go, seriously. If you let this kind of stuff eat you up, you're going to be miserable and your relationship with her will only deteriorate.

I say it all the time on this site and in real life, YOU CAN'T CONTROL OTHER'S ACTIONS! You can only control yours. So what if she doesn't want to answer her phone? You don't want to answer yours either! (Or at least that's how it seems to her, I bet).

Maybe to her the message she left was an important one. I know if I called my family and asked if I could take their kids and they ignored my message AND my follow up calls, I'd be HOT! You have realize that while you're busy running after your kids and doing your daily routine, she probably doesn't have that.

I think in this case it's a bunch of little things that have built up to annoy you. I would even venture to say that there's probably a much deeper issue here than what you're stating.

So, my advice...take a deep breath. If she wants to take the kids and the time works for you say "Sure! No problem!" If the time doesn't work, say "Wow, how great! The kids would love to come, but we have plans on Friday. Would Saturday work? or maybe next Friday?" If she calls you, call her back! If she doesn't answer, leave her a message and leave it at that. Let her call you on her own time. The only way to fix this is to look at your reactions to her actions. Accept her for who she is and move on.

Sounds like it is a combination of bad communication and pride.

while I completely understand being irritated at her lack of 'organization' (for lack of a better term) but this may have to be one of the those things you have to swallow your pride for.

My mom calls repeatedly in a day and then doesn't answer her phone either. I would say, call her back once, leave her a message, and let it go. I agree with the previous post to try and set up a once-a-week time so there is no question when it is.

I know it is hard to ask for help, especially from someone who makes you feel not good enough when you ask, but sometimes you just gotta suck it up and ask anyway.

Good luck

ummmm. I think you're reading way too much into it...Your MIL has opened the door to wanting to interact and relate with your kids..You should not feel guilty or cringe at the thought of calling her and asking her for help. Do it! When I need help I ask :)

If the "when to take the kids" issue is the only real one between you, well, consider that things could be worse, honestly. Take a breath and focus on that for a minute. Some older people, assuming she's older, really are not fond of their telephones and feel no obligation to pick up a ringing phone if they're busy, or even if they're not busy. They see phones as intrusive. My mom and her many friends felt like this, and I tend to think like that too, so it's not just the elders. I do agree that it's annoying when she wants to be in contact and then does not answer or call back, but just be aware that she may not even realize how much she doesn't respond to the phone.

It sounds like you and she could use a schedule. Rather than setting up her time with the kids casually "as you go," take a calendar, and work out the dates and times for her kid-time over two weeks or a month, then see her --- don't do it on the phone, see her, and tell her this is why you're coming over -- and say very cheerfully and positively, "I know you love the kids. And I really do appreciate your help. It's tough sometimes to work out the times, though. How about if we work together to set up your dates with the kids for the next few weeks and see how that goes, having it scheduled in advance?"

She may balk and say she wants to be more casual, feels like she's beiing made into a babysitter instead of a warm fuzzy Grandma, etc., but if you are very upbeat, don't force things and make her feel you really need her and the kids like to be with her, it could work. I would not get into some big confrontation about the phone thing, especially as you get along well otherwise; focus on the schedule idea. Oh, yes, your husband should help with this too! Ensure she knows: "We're not just treating you like a babysitter! We really want you to have the time you want with the kids, it's just hard these days with everyone's activities. We want to be sure you get YOUR time with them and this is a way to do it."

If she just refuses, give it some time and try again, reassuring her that this is for her benefit. I would not withhold the kids if she is balky about a schedule, though. You do like her, other than this scatterbrained and/or somewhat manipulative way she has with scheduling her time!

I totally get what you're saying. I love my in laws (FIL recently passed though). They used to call on say Monday during the summer or school break and say - we'd like to take X to the beach on Wednesday, we'll pick her up at 10. Great, but I would have liked to be asked if Wednesday is a good day for them to take her. I personally don't like to be told something when it involves my daughter, I'd like to be asked. Fine point, I know, but I do get what you're saying.
Sounds to me like your MIL might be a little self-centered. I don't always return calls right away either if I'm busy. When someone says they will help with the kids while hubby is away, I expect that they should make good on it. Not that I would ask for help (which you didn't), but I would think if you offer, you should follow through. I might not be as nice as you were. The next time I spoke with her or saw her after that week, I'd say "I seem to remember your saying you wanted to take the kids while hubby was away last week. What happened?"
Ugh. I've had to overlook a lot when it's come to my husband's family and he's had to do the same for different reasons for my side of the family. So I guess nobody's family is perfect - and I don't expect that - but it is easier when they at least work with you rather than against you.
I would definately keep some good boundries up and not let myself be bullied into anything I didn't want to. I also believe in killing people with kindness sometimes bacause it throws them off a little - lol.

All you can do is set your boundaries. Tell her what times are ok to take the kids and if she doesnt like it, too bad! You don't have to respond to her calls at all no matter if she calls 2 or 3 times---call when its a good time for you. you don't have to explain or apologize for not getting back in her time. She can't make you do anything and so you run the show here----choose to have a good attitude and don't let her petty stuff bother you. She likes control and wants it from you-don't give your control to her. Make your relationship on your terms period. She has a choice wether she is involved or not. Best wishes and no, I don't think you are being that way. I do think that you should call her if you want help and ask for it. She can't read your mind and its not fair to expect someone to do anything without calling and asking them. So, you both have a part in this.

GL!

M

Well your feelings are probably hurt. I would let it go. Just make the best of it. My inlaws were older when they became grandparents. They watched my oldest son once for 45 min. They never watched any of our children again. It was probably for the better. She doesnt really have good common sense.
Just continue to include her and maybe she will help you ..probably not.
Dont become bitter. I know its overwhelming when you need help. I wish I had help. My husband is barely home he returns home around 11 pm or midnight

I am for being very straight forward but pleasant. If you would like her to take the kids some day, call her and ask. Maybe she wants to be asked. Maybe she feels left out and does not want to intrude in your life but still would like more contact and is taking the passive aggressive way for that reason, complaining without being very direct herself. Ask, email, leave voicemail, but communicate. My mom is 87 and she worries that the kids might not like the way her house smells if she cooked cabbage or how she looks if she does not have her teeth in, etc. so she wants everything scheduled to the last second. She also expects her kids to come her way since she simply cannot walk as well as she used to. It sometimes seems "selfish" but when seen from her perspective it really is not. Have you tried including her more like a friend, calling just to chat, informing about what the kids do, asking if she wants to come visit? Maybe she will behave nicer if you do as well.

Oh I know, what you mean.

My in-laws do not answer the phone unless they know it is you. We move a bit so they never pick up unless I first email them our phone number. They blame it on calls you get about changing phone company and stuff.

Now they have taken to never responding to emails.

I have also notice that in a lot of older folks, when you say anytime I will be home all day so any time is good. Doesn't mean anything to them. They want a precise time but they will not be the ones to pick a time, they want you to do it.

If it were about you being b*tchy then you would play it up. Don't call her back, just happen to drop by either Friday evening or Saturday morning (since you have not heard from or seen her in a while) and blame it on absent mindless.

If it isn't well do the above anyway. At least you will get a good giggle out of it.

I totally understand where your coming from. My MIL sees the kids only if its convenient for her. It used to bother me, but I just dont have time to be mad about it anymore. You already know you cant depend on her so the sooner you come to terms with it, the better off you will feel and wont keep getting disappointed. Shes the one missing out, not you.

No you are not. I understand.