yFood Question, Vent

Having just cooked two full holiday dinners at my own house in the past week plus helped my mother with her dinner yesterday, my sympathies lie with your MIL. A holiday dinner is a tremendous amount of work. Sure, she could have done a better job of accommodating your son's food sensitivities, but with everything else going on, it's hard to keep track of everything even if you're young and full of energy and still have all your neurons firing. When you get older, even mid 50's in my mother's case, you can't do it all as easily and it's a lot harder and more overwhelming to do everything.

So to avoid disappointment in the future, I would suggest that you plan on bringing some food and desserts that your son can eat. Size them for sharing so he doesn't feel singled out or that he has to eat a special meal, but this way, if there are lots of foods he can't eat, at least you can relax and know that there are plenty of things he can enjoy. Also, verify the time of dinner - were there other people there? Did they come earlier? How did they know that dinner was going to be served 3 hours earlier than you arrived but you didn't? Sounds like there was some sort of mis-communication about the plan for the day/evening there that hopefully your husband can clear up and avoid things like that from happening in the future.

Again, be generous in your judgment of her - hosting family dinners is hard. True, a lot of older relatives insist on doing them for the sake of tradition or because they're control freaks or because they don't want to go to someone else's house but that doesn't mean that it all comes together effortlessly. By bringing things you know your son can eat, you can relax and enjoy yourselves wherever you go, even if the hosts aren't as sensitive to his dietary needs as you would like or expect them to be.

This is your sons issue so you need to be prepared to bring special food. You could have asked what she will be serving and then make suggestions. She is not nearly as concerned about this as you are, so when planning her holiday meal, she is probably not thinking about red food dye. As far as dinner time, don't you all talk about what time dinner is?

You are responsible for providing your son with food he can eat - regardless of where you go. I would never expect my MIL to make special meals for me or my kids.

Maybe your MIL thought that one day wasn't going to hurt your son. Regardless, you know you were invited over there - it's your responsibility to ask what will be served. Just as a precaution, you should have a little cooler packed with stuff that is acceptable for your son.

The whole thing about not having food left is strange though. Were you told the wrong time? Were you late? Does your MIL suffer from dementia?

I'm confused by the time the meal was served, did she not tell you when she would be serving dinner? Or did you simply arrive when you wanted to?
If one of my kids had an allergy I absolutely would provide food for them myself. I would never expect anyone else to alter their dinner menu, including a grandparent. That just seems like a parent's responsibility to me.
Maybe next year you can host and avoid the hurt feelings :)

I had a friend once upon a time who worked very hard to find what foods caused her kids to have issues. Her parents and in laws thought she was nuts and refused to "obey" her when it came to the kids diets. She decided it was not their job to make sure her kids didn't eat the stuff you are talking about. So she left them there over a long weekend. She fed them everything they weren't supposed to have right before she dropped them off too. They were atrocious. She then took them over for a weekend visit and followed their diet in the extreme.

They were like different children and thus her point was proven and the parents started understanding she was not a nut case and they started limiting the foods she told them to.

Christmas night, my brother and sister in law hosted a wonderful family gathering for all 35+ of us (ranging in ages from 3 months to 84). There are allergies to eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, corn and more among 3 of the kids -- and another couple who find too much lactose to be an issue. In addition, there are at least 5 people on cholesterol meds (and I mean SERIOUS cholesterol issues), a few with high blood pressure (keep away from salt & processed foods) and a diabetic or two. Oh, and two nursing moms and one pregnant woman (high risk -- of course). We won't even talk about the vegetarian new girlfriend.

I totally get the allergy issue -- and that it's much more a life-and-death issue than the others I mentioned with special needs. When there's a small dinner, we each work hard to accommodate the allergy sufferers -- and their parents. When there's a larger celebration, like Christmas however, all bets are off. When you get such a large group all you can do is offer a varied menu and hope people don't go hungry. Once you start eliminating foods based on each person's needs (and don't even begin to THINK about lesser "wants" like low-cal or someone who doesn't like onions or whatever), soon everyone winds up with just a lettuce leaf and a glass of water.

The moms of the allergy kids ask about the menu before hand (and 2 of them are much loved grandchildren of the hosts, in our case) and bring their own safe foods. The rest of us with lesser needs just deal. It's about a celebration with family, not a test the hosts need to pass.

By the way, because the moms of the little ones who are most directly affected work so hard NOT to be a burden, my sister (who was bringing dessert) came up with a recipe for really yummy gingerbread that was egg-free, nut-free AND corn-free. She rocks. Also, though, her child is grown, no one was going to her house (so she didn't have to clean or prepare a darn thing) and that was the ONLY thing she had to worry about -- no 7-hour open house and full dinner for more than 30!

Sorry-- I can't imagine how difficult it is to see your child at risk (because this is such a serious issue) and watch as they are seemingly passed by. I hope you can forgive your MIL and enjoy your family celebrations.

2 of my kids and I have serious food allergies. It's nice when someone wants to cook special food for us but we never expect it. We usually bring our own food when we travel or visit others. For us, it's the only way to make sure we don't have a reaction.

I'm happier and less stressed if I don't expect people to accomodate our special food needs. It's easy to get in the habit of taking bringing our own. This way, we are not disappointed because we have nothing to eat, and we've learned to be grateful when other people go to the extra trouble to cook special for us.

I would normally just say to bring the desserts he can have so he doesn't feel left out, but it sounds like she knew you were coming and didn't save any dinner for you. Wow! And served it before you came, knowing when you were coming? You are right - she didn't care.

How about not accepting invites to dinner. That would be my view. And no, you are not wrong for feeling this way.

Always bring food with you and eat it with your son.

I am still shaking my head. My mother goes overboard to make sure my families allergies or sensitivities, and even likes and dislikes, are paid attention to. She is THAT happy that we are visiting. I feel so bad for you!

Dawn

I have food sensitivities and I understand your pain. I have learned to bring my own desserts.

This Christmas no one, not even my own mother, made any egg-free desserts. So I made my own and brought them to each house. Even though both my MIL and my mom know I'm allergic to eggs, they just make whatever desserts they want. I have just learned to get over it.

I always bring enough egg-free dessert to share with everyone--I don't think you can have too much dessert! You can just make it a tradtiion, and even involve your son in picking it so he feels like he's getting his favorite.

I always ask about the menu ahead of time. If they ask why, I always remind the of my egg allergy and let them know I'm not asking them to make anything special, but I just want to know. Sometimes they offer to change the menu once they are going over it with me. You see, people who don't live with food sensitivities don't think about it. It's not their fault, they just don't have to live with it so they don't think about it.

If they have a menu where there are things I can't eat, I bring a substitute to share. No one has ever been offended that there is more food. I'll often bring an extra side dish.

It's disheartening how your own family doesn't seem to care about your food sensitivities, but like I said, you just learn to get over it and bring your own to share. Also, don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions. I've been told there isn't any egg in something but people don't always think about things like mayonnaise (which is made with eggs) and other pre-mixed things with eggs in them. Put your son's health first, and if you do it kindly and bring your own stuff to share, you'll always be good!

Good luck!

That was rude of your mother to serve dinner before the time she told you to be there.In regards to the dessert, yes, she could have thought about it but didn't. My son has a severe peanut allergy so we bring desserts wherever we go. We have to . We can't trust anyone else to make something safe because they don't really get it. Regardless of my son's allergy, we also bring ravioli/pasta,fruit salad ,dessert,and drinks for the kids to EVERY holiday we go to. This way my kids can eat.Otherwise the food is usually too rich or something they don't like.At My MILs, she served prime rib ,meat crepes,greek lasagna,greek potatoes,salad and bread.All the kids ate the ravioli,fruit salad and bread. They would have been starving had I not planned for my kids.Oh, and I grabbed a 2 liter of ginger ale on the way out the door. If I hadn't , there was nothing for the kids to drink, not a juice,pop, and the water cooler had a couple of inches left in it.(I don't usually give my kids pop but it was a holiday)So the entire pop was gone after dinner because I have nieces and nephews ranging from 18-5 , nine of them.
So, my advice to you is to plan for your child wherever you go . It will be like this for his whole life. You can't count on people to accomodate because it won't happen .I would talk to your mom about serving before you got there though . That was pretty rude.Also, discuss the menu with her beforehand so you know what to expect.Hope it gets easier for you . Happy New Year=)

Hi M.,
A good friend of mine has daughter with celiac (must be gluten free or gets sick). The way she manages meals successfully for many years is to bring along food for her daughter and to ask ahead of time what foods will be served to ensure that her daughter will be able to eat part of the planned meal OR Mom will simply bring an appropriate set of food for her daughter and she'll eat it with the rest of us at same table but skip what would make her ill. My friend is very good and pleasant about asserting what her daughter needs to have at her meals. Her daughter has thrived from age 18 months (diagnosis) to being a high school senior today. I believe its always okay to bring something along with that your child will be able to eat without getting ill. I welcome your additional feedback because my daughter in law is now expecting a baby and I want, in the future, to provide better hospitality for her and her baby. I always expect that guests coming to our house may need to eat some things that are different from what I typically put on the table.
I always work to provide fruits as alternative to things with sugar and dyes.
Hugs!
C.
mother of three

It sure would be niec if she was considerate about it. Live and learn. She's not. pack your son things he CAN have...just in case.

I have grandchildren with allergies and food sensitivities too and I sometimes ask if they can eat this or that and don't try to fix something they definitely can't eat but then again sometimes I am having a certain meal and they either eat what they can of it or bring something they can eat. I do try to have something they can eat though. But it's hard to fix a meal for a large group and take orders too. You should take something for your son to eat and then everyone else enjoy the meal.

Your Husband... should be dealing with your MIL.
It is his Mommy.

Maybe your MIL doesn't believe in food sensitivities?
Maybe she needs a formal NOTE from the Pediatrician, so you can show it to her. Maybe then, she will feel it is a legitimate concern.
And, maybe make a list for her of foods he cannot have. I am sure she can't possibly remember everything and each item.
And yes, at the same time, just make something to bring over, for your son, that he can have and eat. Just like, going to any play-date at a friend's house. You also bring foods for YOUR child, that he can have and that is safe for him.

And, how come, she did not know, what time you were arriving??? There were other guests there too. The "party" should have had a start time, right? Did MIL tell you, what time dinner was? Or what time to come over??? She cannot halt... her cooking or meal time... for just one family. The other guests, seems to have been there, already.

The food was gone already, by the time you/your family arrived.
That is a shame.
But apparently the dinner party, started earlier... and the other guests were there already.
You were late... to the dinner?

Or were you on time??? And they just happened to be rude and cook and eat and leave no left overs for you/your family, on purpose?

Maybe MIL and the others, did NOT know what time... you and your family would show up at the dinner.

Regardless, cooking for a dinner party... takes time. Cooking 3 hours ahead of a planned dinner party time... is not out of the ordinary.
When I have guests over... no matter how small or big of a group.. I always start cooking, at least 6 hours, ahead. So that, dinner can be served... ON time, and at the time I have stated to my guests regarding the dinner event and invite.

I understand your concern but I if she knew what time you were coming but cooked 3 hours sooner did you also know what time she was cooking? If so, I would think that you would would have not planned to eat there. Given that situation, I would have been sure that at least my son was fed prior to going. Then, if we wanted to nibble while there we could. Otherwise, I would have taken some things my son could have eaten.

If it were my grandson, especially if he would be eating dinner with me, I would have made sure there was a dessert he could eat (even if I asked that you bring it). If you were coming 3 hours after my meal, maybe not so much.

Cooking dinner before she knew you'd arrive seems strange... She shouldn't have cooked way earlier than she said she would. But when did the dinner begin? Were you just 3 hours late to the start time? In that case, then no, she shouldn't have worried about starting dinner to coincide with your arrival... You were late and others shouldn't wait for you.

As far as special foods, I have to be honest. My daughter has special dietary needs and I ALWAYS bring a special drink, vegetables, snacks and a special dessert for her... Always, even to my own mother's parties. My mom watches my daughter three days a week and knows what she can and can't have nearly as well as I do, but when she's having a dinner party for several people (like she just did on Christmas Eve) she doesn't need to have that worry in her head. She's cooking, cleaning, entertaining... She doesn't need to worry about having lactose free milk and goodies. Sometimes she does, but not always and I don't expect it. When we go to my husband's family, I bring her enough food for entire meals or I volunteer to bring some main dish and dessert that I know she can and will eat. At the very least, you could have asked your MIL what she was making for a dessert so you'd know either way.

Sorry I can't be more supportive. It is too bad that it happened this way for you and your son and I do feel badly for you. Holidays are stressful enough without this kind of stuff!! But I think that you need to just bring things for your son and once people start seeing you do that, they automatically think about it when having you over. Merry day after Christmas!

My MIL never had food in the house when we were invited. Knowing kids were coming you would think she'd at least have milk and cereal and bread but no. I had to start bringing everythng my kids would need to eat when we visited. Then she got upset because Id "drag in all this food she didnt want" as she said... Excuse me, it isnt for YOU. So, when our daughter developed type 1 diabetes it became even more important to supply our own food. MIL didnt like that either. We did eventually just stopped going to her house. I have a good friend whos daughter has a nut allergy so when I make things for them I always make sure it has no nuts or comes from a place that processes nuts. They are always so greatful that I cared, but very few people think about the fact that Im allergic to chocolate and still give me candies and cakes with chocolate and I cant eat it. I just let it slide. Its not their problem that I have a food allergy. But I know what you mean. It would be nice if they thought of someone else now and then.

That stinks, especially on Christmas! Next time bring a side dish and a dessert your little guy can eat. No host would be offended and you would have piece of mind. Blessings.

Live and learn...time to pack safe food for your son and help him choose wisely while out.

Not all cooks know how to cater to special needs diets. I've tried to over the years, and guess what? I gave up.

I am thinking yes and no. As a guest, you should just bring soemthing if you know your child has sensitivity issues, but it was your mom, so I think she should have had something special for her grandson. Do you think she just got busy and forgot?

If your mom is anything like my mom, she doesn't remember things like that. My son just got braces this passed Spring. I've told her so many times he's not allowed to have caramel or any crunchy candy like that. She gave them each a little Christmas bag of hard chewy caramel nutty chocolates when they got there. Don't know if it's an age thing and she forgets or if she just doesnt want him to be left out. I've learned to bring my own stuff for him no matter if I'm asked to bring something or not.

sadly, the world does not revolve around families with medical needs &/or allergy issues. I have learned the hard way NOT to go anywhere without bringing what is needed for my own family. I also believe it is not fair to expect others to provide for you.....when quite often you know best what is needed. It's simply easier to be the bigger person, not to take offense....& be happy by being self-sufficient.

& now for full disclosure: my older son has physical disabilities & my ILs never, ever provided for his special needs. My younger son is allergic to peanut, & rarely is peanut not present - either in snacks or desserts. It's up to me to provide for my family's needs, & I do so willingly. :)

Yes, it was rude and thoughtless, but forgive her anyway, and just make a mental note that you should keep handy some treats he can have, so that you can take them to occasions where he might be served things he can't have. It's possible that she was so busy with all the other preparations, that it just slipped her mind that he couldn't have these things; or that she thinks you're exaggerating his sensitivity, and it's really no big deal; or that these foods are traditional items for her to serve so she wanted to make them, and thought you'd bring something for your son to have.

My son is also allergic to Red 40 [it makes him itch if he eats even a small amount], and it's tough telling him he can't have M&Ms and Skittles and all these other things; however, he hates getting the itchies, so he's actually pretty good about avoiding it, though he does get disappointed that he can't have everything that he wants, especially when his brother can. But, that's life, unfortunately, and most people don't know that Red 40 is in so much food (particularly candy and other sweets), so I'm trying to take my own advice, and keep "safe" foods (like granola bars, or non-red candy) on hand, so he can join the occasion and eat along with his friends, even if he can't have the particular foods they're having.

I know how you feel. I think the best thing to do is just move on from the MIL doesn't care issue and just call ahead of time and say I hope you don't mind but I will need to bring some dishes for grandson. I have tried for years to get through to my father's wife about how I don't eat pork(I get really sick), and she puts it in almost every meal we eat when we go to her house. So I just move on and just eat what I can. I always bring food with me or go and buy some at the store so I don't starve. It doesn't matter what the issue is with your MIL, and I know they can drive us crazy and make us think, what were they thinking, but you need to do the best for your son. Yes, she should ask you or have something for him, but I have found out that it is not that they don't care, they just don't think about it. I think next year you should just ask what you can bring as a side dish and what type of dessert. I usually host T-day and Easter and I would love it if someone actually called me and asked what they can bring, I usually make the phone call and ask can you bring, and every time it is sure thing and no one seems upset. Try not to let this bother you are going to drive yourself crazy like I use to do.
Hang in there you are not the only one.

I'm sorry but you are soooo wrong, first you were late, then you expect them to cater to your needs...not cool! If your son has some food sensitivites it is your responsibility to bring him something to eat not anybody else. Your MIL went through alot of work to fix dinner and all you can do in complain. Talk about being insensative. No she does not need prayers - you do.