Neighbor Overstepping Boundaries

I have run into this problem as well. A very good friend discplined my children over and over. Sometimes it is okay, but sometimes it is TOO much. I spoke to her about it and she defended herself saying that she thought it was the right thing to do. So, we don't see each other as much anymore. I do think saying something is important. It will eat at you otherwise.

Isn't there any way to head them off at the pass? If, for example, they are trying to tell or teach your children how to do things while you are sitting there letting them figure stuff out for themselves, can you encourage your children's learning and persistence before the other couple jump in? Idk, it's hard to give examples since you didn't get very specific! Or, if they "correct" your child, can you nicely say to the couple, "Don't worry about it. I'm watching them"?

I think the best thing you can do is either be proactive and beat them to it, or politely let them know that you're parenting and their overinvolvement is not necessary. If they protest, you can ask them whether they question your judgement. If they are as polite as you, they'll back off. If not, they'll put their negative thoughts on your parenting out in the open where you can deal with it.

No advice for you but I remember being young without kids and thinking "OMG what awful parents to let that child lay in the middle of the cereal aisle screaming". And then I had kids and learned pretty fast that all the answers I thought I had at 20 didn't really work in real life.

Parenting in your mind before you have kids is soooo much easier than parenting in person with kids. lol. Wait until your neighbor's little darling is sitting playing in dog poop or streaking butt naked through the yard and then they'll get a good dose of reality parenting.

I think you should wait until the neighbours do something that you believe is overstepping their bounds with you/your child, and at that point say something then. If they say something to your child (as if you weren't there, say what someone else has suggested, "Thanks; I'm right here. I can take care of it." If they say something to you that you feel is opinionated about how you're raising your child, say something like, "I have a different parenting style. If I ever need advice, though, I am sure you will be able to give me some good perspective." And leave it at that. Try to leave it neutral and friendly. I don't think it has to be confrontational.

If you know these people well and you truly value the relationship, I think you should do what Melinda suggested. Most likely, they are insecure in their own parenting abilities and so they feel they have to be demonstrating or practicing their "skills" all the time. They are looking ahead to problems they may face with their own baby and trying to hone their skills now.

If you are confident in your own parenting style, then you should speak up and not let this continue. It will just create more resentment in you, and in the neighborhood. People will start to shun these parents. Since your humor isn't reaching them (or maybe they are taking it as a compliment and a signal to continue!), then you need to be more direct. Just say, "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't discipline my child when I'm right here." If they criticize others' parenting styles, you can say "You know, we all struggle to find the right way to raise our kids. There is always more than one choice, and it's hard enough to be a parent without being critiqued by someone with a different style." If they protest, you may have to add that you value the many neighbors you have and think it's great if everyone gets along, and you'd hate for people to avoid each other because the contacts are so negative and unpleasant. If they remain defensive, you'll know you haven't lost much of a friendship.

If it's confusing your child, I would remove your child from the situation. Explain that every family has rules but that your child needs to listen to your rules, not the neighbors', except of course when it comes to things in their house or on their property. However, you obviously don't want to constantly take your child home from neighborhood playdates because someone else is difficult! Good luck - it's not easy in situations like this but the sooner you put a stop to it, the less resentment everyone will feel.

How about just being honest and straightforward? You could say - not at the time of the incident - "I want to talk to you about something...." and just be honest. If being honest ruins the relationship then it is not much of a relationship to begin with. There is nothing wrong with saying..."I know you have good intentions and I appreciate that, but the truth is that it feels like you are undermining me sometimes." If she can't handle that then that is her problem. She may have no idea that is how you feel - she may appreciate someone cluing her in on why the moms aren't totally psyched about her.

I had a similar situation years ago with good friends of ours yet luckily they lived far away and we only saw them every once in awhile. My friend would become disciplinarian to all the children even though I was right there... I was at a loss for words and did find it insulting that she'd tell my children how and what to do at every turn around.
This is her personality I learned and she meant no disrespect. We 'lived' with it and our children are now grown. We are the best of friends and I love being with them. As the children became older it didn't seem to undermine my own authority with any of them...mine or hers.

If it is bothering you, pick and choose the times you are around them. You could sit with your friend one and one and let her know how you feel. If she is a good friend, she'll listen and... it may be hard for her to change.. but maybe she will. If not, you could limit the times you're together.

Good luck

I understand your desire to not "rock the boat" so to speak, with these neighbors but if it's bothering everyone and no one is saying anything then how will they know that they're offending people? They may think they're being helpful and that their help is appreciated. In my experience, "know-it-alls" seldom see themselves that way. By all means speak up. It's your child. Don't be intimidated or afraid of offending anyone. Just say something like "I appreciate your help but I'll handle it." Or "My husband and I are using a particular style of child-rearing and we won't know how effective it is if we don't use it consistantly." Anything along those lines will bring it out in the open and hopefully give them the hint. If your other neighbors are equally bothered by it then talk to some of them and enlist their help. If they hear it from a few people they may get the idea and stop. Then everyone will be happy. Your other neighbors will probably appreciate it as well. If all else fails, do what Dear Abby used to suggest: send this to them. Good Luck!

This is such a great question, that we all have dealt with at some time, and you've gotten great answers. Thanks for posting! I agree with Mari quite a bit. Another thing I would suggest is having one phrase to use everytime the couple disciplines your child. Something as simple as "thanks, but I'm right here" or you could get more specific, but use the same words everytime. This should show them that you are shutting it down immediately. Get some of the other moms to use the phrase too. I think they will get the picture that you have all talked about it,and are equally unappreciative.

I try to live by the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child", and then it takes the edge of other's parenting styles. It's hard not to read criticism into other parent's styles. I'm guessing they aren't parents? Remember how you were before you had kids. I thought I knew it all until a spirited toddler humbled me and made me realize that not all kids and parents respond to the same type of parenting!

If their discipline style is just different (and not alarming like spanking or screaming) I wouldn't worry too much about undermining your authority. In fact, it may help your child realize that other people are looking out for them and have rules for behavior, especially when they start school and are away from you. You should talk to your child and let them know that it's important for them to listen to other adults, too, who are only trying to keep them, and their friends, safe. But they should always tell mommy and daddy what happened.

If it makes you uncomfortable, you can step in when your child does something wrong and say, "now Joey, you know hitting is not allowed and Mrs. Z. is right in telling you so. Now we go into time out." and then remove your child from the situation and discipline in the manner you see fit. That sends a signal to your neighbor that "I will handle it" and the discipline is fitting and consistent for your child. Good luck!

HI D.,

I would not let anyone step in with my child, especially with me standing right there. I have no problem saying to someone "I will take care of my child, thanks." and I would say it with a smile. Someone who has something to say about all the parents parenting usually hasn't to much to say that I would ever listen to. Your not being oversensitive at all. If you don't set them straight right away, it will not stop.

I was reading your about your plight because I was looking for an answer to my own situation. We took on the raising of our nephew who has a small degree of attachment disorder. A dear friend of mine slowly without my really being able to see it began undermining my and my husbands authority by little slights or comments regarding how we see things in front of our nephew or out of sight from us. I had my nephew home schooled from the 3rd to 6th grade and when I put him back in public school he was in trouble from day one (writing girls notes et) which ended with eating lunch with a qualified adult and two denentions) It came to the fore with my friend when she hollered at my husband for telling our nephew to take his things to the car( she was angry because she did not think my husband spoke correctly to our nephew) I finally looked at this situation and realized that over a period of 5 years my friend has drawn too close to my nephew and undermined us with comments here and there. After the blow up at her home where my friend actually told us to leave she wrote a letter to my husband and myself. The letter to my husband stated that she felt that we needed to talk. At this time I felt she had absolutely carried things too far and wrote to her that the issue is closed. We have our nephew in the hands of the school authorities and doctors and psychologists and as I re read the letter to myself I saw that three times I told her the issue is closed.

My nephew is a beautiful child and has come a very long way towards progressing as a nice citizen and I am just blown away that I did not see the destructiveness that I allowed to happen in front of my eyes in constantly being worn down by my friend or so called friend. It only took one act of undermining to destroy a beautiful society and that was when the Devil told Eve -- you positively will not die if you eat off the tree of the knowledge of good and bad when there father told them they would. I see what I have done and I agree with J.L. Remember your friend, try to be tactful, but in the end you not your friend are responsible to see that your children respect others, add to your household peace and grow up to be good citizens.

I'm all about the village raising a child. I love it when I see my kids taking direction and discipline from other parents. I feel it teaches them to respect authority (adults and parents). I am always there to monitor the situation and will say something if I feel the problem wasn't handled correctly. Sometimes, I myself learn something new in the process! Unless it becomes irritating and over the top, I just say roll with it.

If you were doing something that annoyed your neighbors wouldn't you want the chance to know about it and possibly correct it? I'm sure this person has no idea how they are coming across. I wouldn't even beat around the bush about it. You have to tell her exactly how you feel. You don't have to be rude, but you do have to get your point across. You could also be saving her some future humiliation when her "perfect" child decides to push mom and dad's buttons and all of her discipline advice gets thrown out :)

Hi D.,

I'll come right out and tell you, I have been a mom for 30 years. I was widowed when my first two children were young and remarried 12 years ago. I have four children ages 8, 10, 23 and 30, one grandchild, age 7, four step children, ages 32,25, 23 and 18 and two step grandchildren, ages 1 and 3.

I am a christian and I do not believe it takes a village! It takes a mom and a dad! The reality is, discipline is a form of love and if the other person doesn't truly love your child, they should NOT be disciplining them. As well, you are the one who is morally and legally responsible for your children.

Actually, I am probably more strict than most and I demand my children respect adults. I do realize in certain circumstances it will be necessary for other adults to provide some discipline. (school, etc.) I think you know this too. It sounds like the circumstance you are speaking of is different then the one where a child's behavior is dangerous or destructive. Outside of that kind of circumstance, if you are present, the other adult should express their concerns to you and have you impose the appropriate discipline. In the former circumstance, they should act to stop the immediate behavior and then bring the matter to the parents. Usurping your parental authority is degrading to you and confusing for your children.

If the situation makes you feel uncomforable then follow your gut. Many of the women's comments here are utopian and utopia does not exist. Except in heaven. Most of the people who think "it takes a village" want to be the policemen of the village!

We do not all have the same opinions regarding discipline, expectations, etc. so the parents should and still do have the ultimate authority over their children.

Do you have the same love for your your neighbor's children as you do your own? Be honest. God commands us to love our neighbor. But he does not command us to like them. We must treat others as we would like to be treated, but if we are not being treated with respect we have every right to speak up for oursleves.

Do some people need help with their parenting skills? Likely, but then our parents weren't perfect either.
Unless someone's parenting skills are so far out as to be dangerous (and there are laws to protect against people whose behavior falls that far out from the norm) we all should have the individual right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. How these things are defined is probably not the same for everyone.

Generally these intefering people aren't being honest with their own motivation for getting involved in your life.
The reason rude people get away with being rude is because ironically, even though they don't worry about offending you by inappropriatly, interferring, unsolicited in the raising of you child, YOU worry about offending THEM by exercising your parental rights!

People like this will always impose their opinion on you as long as they can get away with it. Oppressing you inflates their ego and this is a very powerful motivation for them. You must stop this now even if the friendship is damaged.

Be assertive, not aggressive. Saying things exactly as you have here is absolutely appropriate. It is sad that these rude people have put you in the uncomfortable position of calling them on their behavior, but you must or you will feel impotent and subsequently angry and then you might overreact.

You have every right to have your feelings respected, so practice what you want to say, then muster up your courage and approach these people. If they are offended, that is their problem. They brought it on themselves. Hopefully, they will simply get the message and will be less likely to impose their choices on you in the future.

I realize there are many people who read what I say here and think I am rude. I have been a mom a long time and my opinion is wrought from experience, and the bible. The irony here is I, also am part of the global "village" you speak of. I realize many people don't have the same opinion as me, if the "village" rule applies to all then you would have me rendering discipline to your child. Fortunately, I think that is your job.

Best Wishes,
J. L.