Need Advice Regarding Undisciplined Nephew

Hi R.,

Your nephew's parents may be too lenient or inconsistant, but they may also be exhausted and embarrassed that they can't seem to control their son. Sometimes kids like this actually have something else going on, like A.D.H.D.
It can be so tricky giving people advise about their kids because you really don't know how they will take it. If you try to speak to his parents about him, do so gently and with genuine love and kindness. Best Wishes, P. B.

Your son is 2. Their son is 5. Be careful how you judge-- your son has not yet reached the stage where you will find yourself counting to three. In a year or two you may understand better.

Hello R.!
Always remember that "what comes around goes aound" especially in this type of a situation.I would have to say that unless your child is being hurt himself I would try hard to stay out of the disciplining and leave that to the parents.I realize that you say there is no discipline but there are other ways-maybe talk to your in-laws?Trust me when I say it will cause a lot of unwanted friction.Good Luck!

Hi R.!!I hope you dont take this the wrong way but it sounds like your nephew may have a some form of maybe autism(I know there are MANY forms)but I have a friend whao has a son hes 3 and acts the same way,he has these outbursts and screams,kicks,ect.(its not the usual 3yr old tantrums its very differant,kind of out of control)for no reason at all.Its VERY hard for the parent to see this,they could be in denial or dont want to believe there is something wrong.Now what I said to my friend is,do you think you should maybe have him evaluated for his behavior? or say it to one of the parents(whichever one you think may not get offended)...Does he go to school??what do they say if he does??They should notice if there is something going on w/him.I know Doctors overdiagnose "Autism" but I just thought it may help you to know that some of those behaviors fall in the autism catigory.I really hope you can reach out to your family,it must be sad to see your nephew like this,im sure he can also be a sweet boy too!!Is he affectionate??I have so many questions!!Well please let us know how you make out.If you want to send me a message I can try to get you some info,hope you work it out!!Good Luck!!!!!!!

Hi R.,

I'd say you are in the right to intervene when your nephew is being too rough with your son, having trouble sharing,or jumping on you, but otherwise I do think it is the responsibility of his parents to discipline him. If they don't do it at home, he is really not going to respond in other places. I can see from what you have written that the parents do not seem to find his behavior a problem. I think you and your husband have a few choices-you can socialize with the other sister, you can confront the situation directly and ask them to respect your house rules about behavior or you can put up with it. I run into this issue from time to time with visitors and I find that setting the house limits with the child in the presence of the parents often helps. You might be able to engage your nephew by telling him he is helping by showing your little son the way to behave. You could engage the older kids by praising them when they show good behavior-maybe the young man will wnat to get in on the praise too. Sometimes I just have to bite my tongue, too. Good luck!

Wow, R., what a nightmare. Listen - I think you are absolutely in the right to discipline your nephew, especially when it involves protecting you and your family, your safety, and your sanity. So I would do even more of that, just try always to be very loving about it, and calm, and mix it with lots of affirmations of the nephew whenever he does anything that isn't misbehaving. But when he screams, perhaps give him a time-out in another room until he can sit at the table without screaming. If you are hosting gatherings at your home, you should be able to have rules for how things go in your own home. They can make their own rules for their home, but in your home there is no screaming at the table. Maybe try to phrase it that way. And then you can always have certain foods - desserts or something - that are for all the people who don't scream during supper. and if your in-laws protest, you can tell them they're free to parent however they like, but you're going to have a certain set of rules hold sway for your family as well - and in your home, people don't grab each other's things, scream, or hit. I would try to make it as much about YOU and your family, as possible, rather than about THEM, to avoid friction. And like I said, affirm the boy if he says or does anything nice - "I love how fun you are! You are sitting there so nicely right now! I can see you love your cousins so much!" Whatever you can think of.
Good luck! That's a real tough one!!
T.

I am thinking the same thing as Julie, that the boy might possibly have a sensory disorder or otherwise be on the spectrum. Perhaps you could gently suggest having the boy evaluated?

I would also throw the parents excuses back in their laps.

When they say, "Oh, he is just acting like that because it is too late for him!" you say coolly, "Of course you are right. You certainly don't want to stay out when it is obviously too hard on him, poor little man, so take him home to bed. Love ya! We'll see ya next time! Drive safely!"

My son used to act out most when with his cousins (the only kids he was every around). I made excuses because he was the youngest, and he did get overtired, and he had sensory intergration issues.... blah blah blah...

My sister in-laws felt free to disipline (I do it too, though and am constistent and follow through). They tell me exactally what they thought. If I wasn't following through - they'd tell me (thats what family is for!) As the old saying goes... You can pick your nose, but not your family! I hated that they were right sometimes, but I'm a better mom for them saying something sometimes, and my son is a better person because of it.